Page 84 of Find Me in the Rain

My mind bounces to her stroke. When she didn’t wake up. When I realized the last thing I’d said to her wasn’tI love you.

To bringing Jack to see his grandma in the hospital bed for the first time. To lying in her hospital bed with her and wrapping her arm around me, pretending we were back in our old house and I had just climbed into her bed.

To right now, knowing I will never get to see her beautiful eyes again, never get to feel her put her hand on my shoulder when life gets to be too much. I’ll never get to feel her arms wrap around mine. I’ll never get to have her walk me down the aisle or go wedding-dress shopping.

And Jack.

Jack will never get all the moments I was already so lucky to have with her.

Everything.

Inside.

Of.

Me.

Breaks.

The first tear rolls down my cheek—a sign of the storm that’s about to explode out of me.

I kick my chair back, throwing it against the wall. A guttural scream rips out of me as I back up until I feel the coolness of the wall against my thin shirt.

I fumble for my phone and scroll to Alec’s number. I need him. I need him so much right now.

Right as I’m about to press it, Char’s picture appears on my screen.

I slide to answer as my last scream rips through the room, and her cheery voice greets me. “Hey, Laura. What’re you doing?”

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

When Char speaks again, her voice is quiet. “Laura?”

Summoning every ounce of strength I have left, I get two words out, thick with my tears. “She’s gone.”

“Oh my God. Laura, take a deep breath, honey. I am so sorry. I’m grabbing my keys. I’m coming. We’re all coming right now.”

Charlotte’s always been there, even when I didn’t know I needed it. So has Josh. And now, they are all I have left in this world.

She’s gone, she’s really gone.

Loneliness settles into every cell in my body, and to be honest, I don’t know that this feeling will ever leave me.

The next two days are full of, “I’m sorry for your loss,” and, “I’m here if you need me.”

When people say that, I wonder if they actually mean it or if they say it just to make themselves feel less awkward.

Charlotte took care of all the funeral arrangements and left me and Jack to mourn peacefully in my room instead of picking casket liners and flowers.

I owe her more than she could ever know.

When Char picked me up from the hospital, she had Josh and Jack with her. Josh drove my car home and took Jack for ice cream, so I had time to figure out how to tell him.

And I told him the truth. That Grandma was sick and they couldn’t fix her. He asked a thousand questions, which I’d fully expected. And I answered each one as best I could.

We went through old photo albums, through all of the photos on my phone and laptop, and I showed him all the pictures of Mom and me through the years. We had looked through them before, but it felt much different now.

These pictures are truly moments frozen in time. Moments I will never get more of.