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calix

“YOU DID WHAT ?” says Tammy.

I’m in her apartment, where I’ve never been before.

We mostly have hooked up in weird places, like the back seat of her car or in empty rooms at Cedar Falls.

I texted her that I wanted to see her, and she told me to come over, and now I’m here, telling her what happened, and she’s freaked out.

I don’t need a bond to know that she’s freaked out.

“Why would you do that?” she says. “Please tell me you didn’t do that because of me, Cal, because I’m not in a position to commit to that. You’re an alpha.”

“I’m aware,” I say. “You’ve been aware. If you had an objection to my designation—”

“I can’t take your knot.”

“I know this too,” I say, although she’s wrong. I mean, if I can take a knot in my fucking asshole, a beta woman can absolutely take one in her pussy. Fisting is a thing. Women birth babies. I would never force her to take my knot, though, and I can’t claim she’d enjoy it.

“Well, you wouldn’t want me longterm is all I’m saying,” she says.

Oh. This is that thing, where people say the things they feel and act like it’s you who feels them. She wouldn’t want to date an alpha longterm, that’s what she’s saying. I decide to pretend that’s what she said. “Why not?”

“Because you’d want more than what I can give you. Because I wouldn’t be enough for you, and I want to be… enough.”

“You want to be special and important,” I say.

“You already have an omega,” she says. “I would never… you would never really want me like you want her.”

“Well, if I was so happy with her, why was I with you?”

“Don’t,” she says. “Don’t pretend you could be with me.”

“What if I could?”

“Come on, Cal.” She puts her hands on her hips.

“But if I could,” I say. “If I could, would you try?” I only ask this because some part of me knows she’s going to say no. I don’t want her to keep rejecting me the way she’s rejecting me, as if I’m rejecting her . I want her to own it.

She can’t look at me.

“Because I’m a freak,” I say. “You can’t be with a freak. You want a nice, normal man in the end, one with a normal penis, one without teeth.”

She looks up at me. “You… it’s hot, Cal, and being with you, it’s…”

“But just as a diversion, just as an adventure, just as something temporary. If it were permanent, you’d want something normal.”

“You’re putting words in my mouth,” she says, glaring at me.

“Sorry,” I say.

“It’s not even going to stick,” she tells me. “You have a life bond with that pack. You’re going to go back to them anyway.”

I eye her, nodding at her, like I agree with her. I should never have come here. What was I thinking? “I should go,” I say.

“Cal,” she says. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” I say. “No, you don’t need to apologize.”

And then I leave.

I leave again.

And I’m alone.