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And yeah, okay, there are a number of problems with the way alphas and omegas are treated in our society, and we need protections and laws, and hell, we should probably blow the lid on Cedar Falls, even if that would mean we had no income after we did that…

But.

We cannot further the interests of the Polloi, because they are a society that is abusive to both men, alphas, and betas. On this point, Calix and I are agreed.

But I’m pretty sure Calix wants to leave.

And we’ve all felt shit through the bond, and none of us have said anything about it, but I think he’s having an affair.

Probably with that Tammy chick that he works with all the time at Cedar Falls.

I mean, whatever I felt, it might not have been sex.

It could have just been Calix masturbating, who knows.

(It’s honestly weird, but I think we all still need solo time, even with this many sexual partners.

We feel it in the bond sometimes when someone’s jerking off, though.)

I’ve thought about confronting him, but I don’t. Mostly because I think if I do, he’ll leave, and I don’t want him to go.

So, I don’t say anything.

No one says anything.

And then, one day, Calix says something himself.

calix

I DO NOT mean to have sex with Tammy.

It’s funny, because people always say shit like that, and it always sounds like the most dickish thing to say, but I think people say it because it’s true.

I’m not really making excuses for myself.

Though I will say that the pack never really sat down and had a conversation with each other about whether or not we were exclusive to each other.

I think there was an assumption, though, so I’m not making an excuse.

I did not do this thinking that it would be just fine or that it wouldn’t hurt my mates. I knew it would. I did it anyway.

When I did it, though, I wasn’t thinking about them.

I feel like they haven’t been thinking much about me, either.

I feel like… I feel like I spent my whole life thinking about everybody except me, and right when I got the chance to think about myself, it was snatched away from me by this scent match that demanded I put the pack ahead of myself.

It’s not that I’m selfish, I swear.

It’s only that…

Maybe I am selfish. But why is that other people get to be selfish, and they don’t have to share a woman with three other men? Why is it that when they say they don’t want to share their woman, no one even calls them selfish?

So, am I selfish?

Before I tell the pack, I talk to Maggie on the phone, and we’re in utter agreement about everything.

“It’s impossible,” she says, “no matter what anyone says, for it ever to be anything other than a mess. I don’t think one woman can love four men equally without having a favorite.”

“She doesn’t have a favorite,” I say. “It’s not like that.” But then I think about it. I think it might be Knight. Or maybe Striker. Definitely not Arrow, that’s pretty obvious.

But oddly, later, when I tell them, she’s sitting in Arrow’s lap, and they’re apparently on some mission together to the fucking Polloi compound, so who knows.

I’m not her favorite, that’s for sure. On the other hand, I did pull away recently. I did fuck another woman. So… what did I expect?

“Well, maybe not yet,” says Maggie. “But you know how it goes. Maybe at the beginning, everyone feels on equal footing and there’s always a lot of sex. But the minute she gets knocked up, and it’s by one of the guys, and everyone always knows, it changes everything.”

“Yeah,” I mutter, because I do know. I’ve seen packs where all of the children were fathered by one of the alphas, and where he controlled access to the omega, treating her territorially.

I’ve seen packs where the alphas know which kids are theirs biologically, and they treat the kids that aren’t theirs badly.

I’ve seen packs where the alphas are so jealous of each other they beat each other bloody. I’ve seen all sorts of things.

“I never wanted it for you, Cal,” says Maggie. “I want for you what I have with Kim. To have your person, someone who can unequivocally put you first, not put you and four other people first, especially when all four of you have radically different ideas.”

“It’s not what I wanted for myself either,” I say.

Maggie gives me her support, though, which is a good thing. I don’t know how it even works, really. In the Polloi, you didn’t leave after biting an omega, so I don’t know how it is I think I’m going to pull it off. We all feel each other in this bond of ours. We are a scent match.

Who do I think I am?

I haven’t thought it all through when I come out with it.

We’re in the middle of one of our fights, which have been happening with increasing regularity. It reminds me of that time, before we all went feral for the second time, before Lotus demanded that the others bite her, when we were all at odds, and I wondered how this pack could even work.

These arguments often end up with Striker barking all of us down, telling us to go and cool down. In rare cases, Lotus has intervened. Once I thought Knight was going to punch someone, and she got cold and regal and formal, and he whined and submitted to her.

I don’t know what we’re arguing about. Five things.

Striker wants to start some YouTube channel doing sermons. Lotus and Arrow want to take up the mantel of the Polloi, who are so very oppressed or whatever, and Knight is arguing with everyone.

I just say it. “I’m thinking about leaving the pack.”

And they all get quiet and look at me.

Lotus gives me a small, sad smile. “I thought it might come to that, Calix. I don’t want to lose you, but I want you to be happy. I’ve felt you… in the bond… is it Tammy?”

Well, I guess I knew everyone probably knew, too. I guess I wondered why no one was saying anything. I thought they must have felt me in the bond. We all feel each other’s sexual arousal. Not always, but often. “It doesn’t matter who it is,” I say.

“Hey,” says Lotus, “I’m jealous, like jealous as all hell, and I hate her, but…” She lifts her shoulders. “I wouldn’t do anything about that. I love you, Calix. I want you to be happy more than I want you all to myself.”

I’m not sure how I feel about that. It should feel good, but it feels like rejection. I want to say that the sex with Tammy is better than what I’ve had with Lotus, but they’ve felt it in the bond. They’d know it was a lie. The sex is… pedestrian. It’s nothing like what we have together, but…

“Why?” growls Knight.

I look at him.

“No,” says Lotus to him, firm. “We don’t need to be like that with him.”

“He has a reason, right?” Knight crosses his arms over his chest.

I nod. “I just don’t think it works.”

“What?” says Striker. “What doesn’t work?”

“Polyamory,” I say. “It’s a good idea in theory, but I’m not sure…

I don’t think it can ever be fair, and I don’t think it’s…

” I rub my forehead. “It’s not like I want Lotus to myself.

” I lock my gaze with hers, tell this directly to her.

I love her. I can’t not love her. “I know I’m not enough for you, and I wouldn’t want to take what you need away from you.

I wouldn’t want to punish you in that way.

You’re my omega. It’s just that I want… to be significant, I guess.

To be someone’s special someone. Not, like, one of your fucking harem. ”

“It’s not how I think of you,” she says quietly.

“Whatever you’re doing with that beta whore,” says Knight, “it’s bullshit, and you know it.”

“Knight,” says Lotus, exasperated.

Knight sighs. “Calix, it’s not just her you’re leaving, you know that, right? It’s me. You’re rejecting me. I thought… you and me… I thought…”

I don’t even know what to say to that. Why did I think Knight was Lotus’s favorite? Was it because he’s my favorite? Am I allowed to have favorites? But no, this is just proving my point. This whole idea is impossible.

“You just… you put up, like, a wall,” says Knight.

“I didn’t put up a wall,” I mutter.

“We never see you,” says Striker. “You don’t want to be here.

You… honestly, I get it. It must have been awful for you, getting out of the compound, running from being forced into mating that Selene woman, and then…

the scent match. It must have felt like you were being forced again. I really do get it.”

“I just want a choice,” I say. “Tammy, it’s not… it’s not what we have, but I get to decide, you know?”

“It is Tammy.” Lotus’s voice hitches.

Shit. I turn to her. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t get it,” says Arrow with a shrug. “Sorry, Striker can get it, but I don’t. But, whatever, man. Knight’s right, you just disappeared, and you haven’t been around. You did put up a wall. If you do feel forced, I don’t want to fucking force you, you know?”

“Yeah, you do whatever you need to do,” says Lotus, but she’s on the verge of tears.

Fuck.

“No,” says Knight. “I don’t accept this.”

“Knight,” says Lotus, rounding on him, her nostrils flaring. “Stop it.”

Knight glares at her. He glares at Striker and then at Arrow. “You’re making a mistake, Calix,” he says, and now he’s glaring at me.

“In the Polloi,” I say, “I couldn’t leave.”

“Well, you shouldn’t,” says Knight.

“But we’re not in the Polloi,” says Striker. “We have a life bond, but we don’t own you, Calix.”

“I just… I don’t know how it works,” I say. “If I leave, and we all still feel each other in the bond.”

“I guess it’ll be painful,” says Lotus, wiping at a tear. “But we’ll figure it out. Things that hurt don’t tend to hurt forever, right? We’ll accept it, if it’s what you want.”

“I wasn’t trying to hurt you,” I say.

“I know,” she says.

“I know it’s not your fault that any of this happened,” I say. “I just didn’t ask to be scent matched to you. I didn’t ask for this to happen to me. I was just getting my life on track. I was just getting a life, and then…”

“I know,” says Striker. “I get it. You escaped a cult, essentially, and then you were chased by law enforcement and compelled into group sex with us. It wasn’t exactly against your will, but it wasn’t what you would have chosen for yourself either.

And now, you must feel as if your whole life is decided for you, and I can see why you feel as if you want your freedom. ”

“That’s actually it, exactly,” I say, nodding at him. “Thank you.”

“Okay,” says Arrow, “but what about the rest of us? We were imprisoned, turned into murderous creatures that were treated like dogs, and we didn’t have a choice either, and you don’t see us fucking Tammy .”

“Arrow,” says Lotus. “Please try to be—”

“It’s true,” I say. “I get what you’re saying. No question, you guys have had it worse than me.”

Arrow scoffs. “Look, it’s not a competition. We’re not trying to get the award for who suffered the most.”

“That’s not what I meant,” says Striker.

“Look,” says Arrow, “none of us are exactly happy here.”

“What?” says Knight.

“I mean, Lotus and I have been talking about it,” says Arrow, “about all of it. Why do you think we’ve been going to talk to Kyvelki? We all need something to do. But it doesn’t have to mean you leave the pack, Calix. It doesn’t mean you fuck betas. It doesn’t mean—”

“Just, let’s calm down,” says Lotus.

“You’re not happy?” says Knight. “Seriously?”

Arrow groans.

“Okay, what you and I were talking about, Arrow,” says Lotus, “it’s different that what is going on with Calix, because he has been feeling this for a while, and—”

“I want you to get knocked up,” says Knight.

Lotus rounds on him. “Why are we even bringing that up?”

“You do it,” says Knight to me. “You knock her up. And stay.”

I let out a guffaw. “Hey, I’m not… that isn’t…” I try to gather myself. “Look, I don’t think bringing children into polyamorous relationships tends to solidify them.”

“I’m not sure it tends to solidify monogamous relationships,” says Striker.

“From my experience as a priest with counseling couples, I think that if a relationship is strong, it weathers the disturbance of a child, but if it’s already weak, the child is a lot of strain and effort on a bond that isn’t built to withstand it. ”

“Fine, I get it,” says Lotus, and she’s angry and hurt, and it spills through the bond and cuts into each of us. “No one wants to have a baby. I get it.”

Instinctively, I reach for her. It just seems right to pull her into my arms.

She pushes away. “What is wrong with you?”

I step back, holding up both hands. “I don’t know.” I think I’m going to start crying now, too, and I don’t know if it’s because the bond is flooded with Lotus’s pain or if it’s because I feel like an utter piece of shit for having caused this, all of this. “I’m going to go, actually.”

“Do not go,” says Knight evenly. “You stay here.”

I don’t stay.

I flee the apartment.

I run away.