Page 21 of Feared

“It wasn’t, I’m just tired.” Mary felt it was the truest sentence she had spoken all day, and maybe even for the past seven months.

“Okay, whatever.” Anthony fell silent, watching the light change from green to red. “I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it does.”

“What does?”

“You know, that I’m the one staying home.”

Mary sighed inwardly. “Don’t let the Tonys get to you. They’re from a different place and time, you know that.”

“I know, but still.” Anthony hit the gas. “I’m only staying home because it makes the most sense for all of us.”

“I know that, and I appreciate it.”

“As soon as my book is finished, I’m hoping I can find a publisher.”

“I know that, too.”

“Then maybe we can get a nanny, or let our mothers do it, or whatever.”

“Right, we’ll see how it goes.” Mary wished she could make it all right for him, but she couldn’t. And part of the problem was how guilty she felt, because he had turned down a big teaching job at UCLA for her, so she didn’t have to move away from Philadelphia.

“I mean, obviously, I’m excited about the baby and all, and I’ll love being home with him. Or her.”

“Of course you will.”

“But it wasn’t the plan. Obviously, it’s not the plan.”

“No, right.” Mary bit her tongue. She had heard him say this before, but she never knew how to react. Truth to tell, it wasn’t the plan for her either. She would’ve loved to have stayed home with the baby for more than a few weeks. She’d always envisioned herself as an at-home mother, at least for a time. But they got pregnant sooner than they’d expected, so they had to compromise. And like any good settlement, neither side was completely happy.

“I don’t even know if I’ll be good at it.”

“Of course you will,” Mary said, to soothe him. “You’ll be a great dad.”

“But will I be a great mom?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Yes.” Anthony chuckled.

“Seriously? Don’t buy in. We don’t have their ideas of what women do and men do. Please don’t let it make you crazy, or me.”

“I won’t.”

“We’re better than that. We’re smarter than that.”

“I know.” Anthony paused. “But your parents get to me. I feel bad in front of them, ashamed.”

“Why, honey?” Mary asked, hurt for him.

Anthony shrugged, his dark gaze looking out into the night. “Obviously, I wish I had been able to provide for you, so your father wouldn’t worry or your mother.”

“Aw, honey, don’t be that way. They love you, and that’s all that matters. They know you’re amazing and great, and when you sell your book, things will change.”

“But what if I don’t sell it?”

“You will.”

“But what if Idon’t?” Anthony repeated, and Mary knew the anxiety was deep-seated, for them both.