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Chapter Thirty-Six

JACK

S eeing my little girl in a hospital bed, looking smaller and frailer than I’d ever seen her, was something that would follow me for the rest of my life. Holly’s fever spiked, and Gwen rushed her to the pediatrician, who, in turn, advised her to take Holly to the hospital. He worried about sepsis or a bacterial infection. When I reached the hospital Gwen was sitting by Holly’s bedside, her face puffy red from crying and in total despair. They’d done tests, she told me between sobs, and they’d let us know. There were so many ways that could go. As badly as it seemed Gwen needed a hug, she never moved toward me (nor I toward her), and so we sat on opposite sides of our daughter’s bed, each of us holding a warm little hand while we got lost in our joint tornado of worry. And it really felt like a tornado, with a vortex so strong it kept pulling me deep into the middle where the “they’d let us know” ended in the worst possible scenario. Gwen and I hardly spoke a word. We’d grown that far apart, where we couldn’t provide comfort to each other even when our despair came from the same source.

Medicated and exhausted from fever, Holly slept soundly between us. Each of us startled every time she stirred or sniffled. When the doctor came into the room we were so wound up, we both nearly shot straight up to the ceiling.

Holly’s doctor was an elderly gentleman with a slight tremble in his right hand. He wore an expression that was as unreadable as the most skilled poker player’s. “Evening,” he said as if we were just strangers passing in the hallway. He walked over to the monitors, looked at them a few minutes, then turned. “Just a viral infection that came with a pretty scary fever. I suggest leaving her here for the night, so we can give her IV fluids and keep her fever down. Assuming all goes well, she can go home in the morning.”

Gwen covered her face and sobbed. I braced my hand on the edge of the bed to keep my knees from buckling. I’d never felt such relief in my life. The doctor glanced at Gwen, shoulders now shuddering from crying and then at me. I got the scowl. He couldn’t understand why I stood on the opposite side of the bed, recovering from my own sense of relief rather than standing on the same side as Gwen. It didn’t seem fair that the dad was supposed to take the overwhelming good news stoically and be there only to provide support for the mom.

Gwen finally collected herself. “Is there a possibility I can spend the night? If she wakes up in the middle of the night calling for me—well—I want to be here.”

“Of course. We’ll have a small bed rolled in, and one of you can stay.” The doctor shook my hand with a firm grip. Another scowl but that didn’t matter. Holly was going to be fine, and nothing else in the world mattered.

We both sat down in our opposite side chairs. Gwen pulled a compact out of her purse and blotted her eyes. She reapplied some lipstick, which I considered an odd thing to do given the circumstances. Then her sudden fussing over her appearance made sense. A man of medium height, with neatly combed hair and a gray sweater vest strolled in wearing a grave look.

“Nate,” Gwen said with more tears of joy. “She’s fine. Just a virus.” She walked right into his arms.

It felt odd that not even an ounce of jealousy went through me. I was more interested in being able to meet Nate, the man who Holly would now apparently spend family time with. The fact that Gwen never once looked to me for comfort, and I hadn’t felt the need to provide it, solidified in my mind that there wasn’t even the slightest thread of connection between us anymore. I watched the pair for a second, then walked out to give them a few minutes. I was glad she’d found someone. The divorce had left Gwen hardened, angry, but she’d softened lately, and something told me that had to do with Nate.

I was standing outside the door of the room when Nate walked out. He spotted me and headed right over for a handshake. “Jack, right? I’m Nate. Holly talks so much about you I feel like I already know you. I’m so relieved to hear that she’s all right.”

I realized then that even talking about Holly made words stick in my throat. “Nice to meet you, Nate. Good of you to come. Gwen really needed you.”

“I’m just off to get some coffees. Can I get you something?”

“No, thanks anyway. I’m just going to say goodbye to the girls and head home. I’ve got some papers to grade.”

“Right, Gwen said you were a professor. You teachers have my respect. I’m in accounting. Sounds boring, I know, but I’ve always loved numbers. Well, I think I saw a coffee vending machine down this hallway. Nice to meet you, and I hope we’ll have time to chat one day.”

“That’d be great.” I walked into the room.

Holly’s big blue eyes were open. A big toothy smile followed. “Daddy, you’re here.”

I walked over and kissed her forehead. “Where’d you think I’d be, Peanut? How are you feeling?”

“Hmm—” She apparently had to think about it. “Hungry.”

Gwen laughed. “Well, that’s it. She’s all better.”

“Listen, Peanut, Daddy’s going to go home and grade some papers. Mom’s staying the night with you, so I’ll leave you two girls to your slumber party.”

“Do you think they’ll let us watch a movie?” Holly asked.

Gwen smoothed her palm over Holly’s forehead. “I’m sure we can work that out.” She looked at me. “You met Nate?”

I nodded. “I’m happy for you, Gwen. He seems great.” I leaned down and kissed Holly. Her forehead was cool. “Call me if you need me. I’m only fifteen minutes away.”

I walked out the door in total relief about Holly and at the same time sad that I had no one to talk with about the last few hours. Gwen had Nate. I had no one. Most of my friends were also part of Gwen’s friend circle, and I’d found it easier to cut ties with them after we split up. Otherwise, there were too many awkward occasions where everyone wanted to get together, and people didn’t know which one of us to invite. I made it easy on everyone and just bowed out.

I got in the car and looked up at the hospital, a blue and white industrial-style building with rows and rows of tinted windows. When I’d pulled up to the hospital, not knowing what was going on with Holly, the building looked cold and sinister. Now it just looked like the building I passed every day on my way to work.

A text came through. I yanked my phone out fast in case it was Gwen. I was on high alert right now, and it would take Holly being home and back to her peppy, sweet, funny self to get off of it. It was a text from Ava.

“Hey, the class went well. Fun bunch. I can take your classes tomorrow if they don’t conflict with my own lectures. Hope everything is going well.”

I stared at the text, and before I could stop myself, I sent back a text that I was probably going to regret.

“Holly is much better. Thanks. This goes against everything we agreed on, but I could really use a friend right now. I’ve got a bottle of wine at home if that helps sweeten the pot.”

I hit send before I could talk myself out of it. It took her a few minutes to respond, and I wanted to kick myself for my moment of weakness. Her text came back as I started the car.

“You agreed on ‘our’ new plan all by yourself. Text me your address, and it better be good wine.”