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Chapter Twenty-Nine

AVA

I t was one of those moments that reminded me why I loved adventure, why I loved to explore the world and all its beauty. The night creatures had created a purring chorus in the surrounding trees as a warm evening with a lush blue sky fell over our muddy little camp. Stars poked out of the navy blue velvet sky, sparkling brightly as if it was their first day in the universe.

I stood near the river and stared out at the landscape as it dipped into the shadows of night. The water below was not seething with wrath anymore. It meandered between its steep banks, nonchalantly, almost coyly, as if forgetting that just a day earlier it raged like an out-of-control beast ready to take away anything in its path … including me.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Jack’s deep voice floated through my reverie. Had his voice always sounded whiskey smooth like that?

“They aren’t worth a penny. I was just watching this river and wondering how it could change so dramatically in just a few days. Then it almost killed me. Now it looks like something you could float a paper boat down.”

“Guess everything has a spectrum, and sometimes you find yourself at one end and the next thing you know, you’re at the other end.”

I peered sideways at him.

A crease formed on the side of his face as he stared out at the river. “Yep, should have worked on that one a little longer before tossing it out in the world. But this river is starting to feel like an analogy for my life. When things aren’t going right, or I feel like they’re slipping out of my control, I show it in my attitude. When things started going south between Gwen and me, I wasn’t worried about losing her. We’d already grown apart and discovered we were never suited for each other. But then there was Holly. I felt myself slipping away from her life. I wasn’t going to be her dad day and night. Only every other week and that didn’t seem right. Yet there was nothing I could do about it. It aggravated the hell out of me not to be able to change that.”

“That’s how I felt when the doctors told us Nonna didn’t have much time. Her kidneys had started shutting down, and there wasn’t anything they could do but keep her comfortable. There are no worse words in the medical world than ‘All we can do is keep her comfortable.’ It’s the doctor’s not-so-subtle way of saying it’s over, and there’s nothing anyone can do.” I looked over at him. “No one likes to feel out of control, Jack. Your feelings about Holly are completely natural. They show that you’re a good dad, a great dad, and no matter how many holidays or weekends you spend with her, she’ll know that. She’ll feel it here.” I pressed my hand against his chest. His heartbeat sped up when I left my hand there a few seconds too long.

I dropped my hand, and the two of us stared out at the disappearing landscape. The fire flickered in the pit behind us, but there was no other light for miles. It made you feel as if you were standing at the end of the universe.

“I have a confession to make, Lo … Ava,” he said quietly. “I treated you badly from the start because something about you—well—I think if I’d let myself in on how I really felt about you—that I’d lose that control I always try so desperately to hang onto. I was just going along, minding my own business, doing my job the best I could, getting through each day of my new life without Gwen and Holly, and then all of a sudden, standing in the staff lounge—there was this beautiful, intelligent woman who was so incredible, all the energy in the room seemed to sweep her direction. Seriously, the whole staff was sitting there in absolute awe of their new colleague who came with a top-notch resume and world experience most of us could only dream about. I was intimidated and knocked off balance and completely and utterly confounded by my reaction. So, I did what I always do best. I pulled into my tight little shell, turned off my feelings and left the room without even a hello. Now that I think back on it, I realize it was a coping mechanism. I regret it now, my behavior, but I know that doesn’t smooth things out. Just glad to get it off my chest. Guess I’ll head in. Big escape day tomorrow.” He turned. I don’t remember how or when it happened, but my hand flew out and I grabbed his.

He turned toward me. I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my lips against his mouth. It all happened fast, like an unexpected explosion, and as our mouths touched it occurred to me that he might very well pull away. But he didn’t. He waited (an excruciating amount of time) before finally wrapping his arms around me. We kissed for a long time in front of the meandering river and beneath the newborn stars. For that long moment I was lost in the feel of his strong arms around me and the tender but urgent kiss. Then that little goblin that always seemed to sit on my shoulder when I least wanted him to tapped me a few times to remind me that this wasn’t a good idea. There was little reasoning behind it, but I knew I was going to regret this impulsive decision.

I pulled away, and my hand flew to my mouth. “No, I shouldn’t have—I’m sorry.” I turned and ran off.

“What the hell are you so afraid of, Lo?” he called to me.

I stopped, spun around and marched back. “What am I afraid of?”

He shrugged. “Simple question.”

“It’s not fear. I slipped into a moment of insanity, and now clarity and sanity have returned. You and I can’t ever be, and you know it as well as me.”

He crossed his arms trying to look in control, but it was more defensive. “I don’t know it at all.”

“I’ll lay it out for you then. We work at the same university. That should be an obvious one, I think.” I was talking loudly and fast, and I swung my arm around. I was starting to feel myself fall apart, and I didn’t want that. I took a deep breath and looked straight at him, which only made my chest ache and feelings of regret worse. I couldn’t tell which I regretted more—the kiss or allowing myself to have feelings for the man. “I have no idea where I’ll be in a year because frankly the campus walls are slowly closing in on me.”

Jack glanced around. “Yes, who’d want to give up a terrific adventure like this?”

“See, there’s another thing. There’s no way I’m going to give my heart over to someone who clearly sees me standing here upset and responds with flippant, curt remarks.”

Jack dropped his arms and looked contrite. A rarity for him. “You’ll have to excuse my instinctual coping mechanism. It’s always in overdrive when you’re around. I haven’t figured out how to behave with you because you are the most frustrating, complicated, annoying and, at the same time, amazing woman I’ve ever met. And let me remind you that you kissed me .”

“You kissed back.” The only lame retort I could think of.

“Well, that’s because I’m human.”

“It was a mistake. Forget it ever happened.” I felt inexplicably on the verge of tears, but I fought hard to keep them back.

“Let me tell you something that I think you need to hear, Professor Lovely.”

This time I crossed my arms, and it was definitely defensive. I was protecting myself from whatever he was about to say because for some damn reason whatever the man said really mattered to me. As much as I liked to think they hadn’t, the months of sharp scowls and anger had dug into my soul.

“A woman can be drop-dead gorgeous, outstanding in her field, loved and admired by everyone and still have major flaws.”

I flinched at his words. “Well, then good for me. I’m none of those things, but I own up to the fact that I have plenty of flaws.”

“You’re all of those things, but you don’t see this one flaw. Or maybe you know it’s there, but you choose to ignore it. You’re afraid to give your heart to anyone. You’re so concerned about being fiercely independent that you won’t allow yourself to be with someone. Zach told me you’d left a string of broken hearts in your path around the world.”

“In other words, you formed your entire opinion about me based on what Zach said. Zach is a jerk, and he chews with his mouth open.”

Jack took a step closer. “Maybe this time you’re worried there’s more to it than you expected.”

My reaction to his words hit hard. It was time for my own coping mechanism to go into overdrive. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

He flinched at my response, and his jaw tightened. He was back. The Jack I knew from work. I’d hurt him and I regretted my comment. The truth was this time did feel different, and that was what had me more than a little freaked out.

“Fine, Lo, when we get back to the university, we go back to the way we were, only I won’t waste a second being angry or upset or anything at all. We’ll be neutral and act as if the other person doesn’t exist. This whole trip will be erased from our memories. We don’t even have to acknowledge each other in the hallway. You’re invisible to me, and I’m invisible to you. Does that work?”

I could feel the tears again, but there was no way I’d let him see them. “That’s fine.” I walked away quickly because I could no longer hold them back.