Page 36 of Falling Backwards (The Edge of Us #1)

MAGGIE

“You’re sure, honey?”

my mom asks.

“Your dad and I can cancel the cruise. We can—”

“No, Mama, don’t do that.”

I let out a soft laugh at how sweet and unnecessary that is.

“I didn’t tell you any of this to make you cancel your plans and come here. I just wanted to let you know it’s final that the girls are going out of town this week but that you don’t have to worry about me being alone. I’ll be with Luke.”

Her sigh is long but light.

It’s Monday, and she and Dad are leaving for their cruise literally in a matter of hours, but of course she would offer to bail on it for my sake. Like when my friends made a similar offer, my heart has been filled with extra love.

Indeed, I continue.

“I love you both so much, but everything is fine and is gonna be fine. There’s no need to mess up your plans whatsoever. I promise.”

“Are you sure?”

she checks again.

“We love you so much, too, and we want you to be safe and not afraid. It worries us that this Kyle guy has been so creepy, and if there’s any chance you’ll feel afraid this week even though you think he might have finally backed off…oh, sweetie, especially over a holiday….”

Funny how it feels like something in me lightens even though I wasn’t feeling heavy.

“I’m not afraid when I’m with Luke,”

I assure her softly.

“Not afraid or unsafe. I know that sounds weird because for the longest time, all I did was tell you how he aggravated me at work and everything, but it’s true. And we are hoping Kyle is over me. We’re just still going to take precautions until we know.”

I pause.

“Plus, Luke and I are happy now. Being together is what we want.”

She giggles, just like she did when I told her he and I are officially dating, no longer pretending.

“I’m happy you’re happy,”

she says.

“He’s not so bad after all, huh?”

Her tone grows more playful.

“You know, I wondered if that was the case. Wondered if there was something sweet underneath all the annoyance. Know what I mean? Then he came up with the pretend-dating thing….”

My cheeks have grown warm. I murmur.

“Yeah. It’s true.”

After clearing my throat, I change the subject.

“Well, speaking of relationships: please enjoy your anniversary cruise. Take lots of pictures! I bet it’s gonna be so cool.”

She makes an excited little noise.

“It seems so! Honey, we’re gonna take so many pictures, you’re gonna feel like you were there yourself!”

I laugh.

“Yay! I’ll try to get a few pictures of anything fun we do. Maybe show off the things Luke and I are supposed to cook to take to his mom’s house.”

“Ooh, yes, photograph the Thanksgiving food! And the Friendsgiving food!”

She pauses.

“And Luke, ’cause I wanna see how cute he is.”

That makes me laugh again and blush again.

I’m going to do it, though.

—

“To us!”

Emma exclaims with a bread roll in one hand and her lifted wine glass in the other.

“Happy Friendsgiving to the best human beings a girl could know!”

“Happy Friendsgiviiiing!”

Joy and I sing out loudly, raising our own glasses. The three of us all go to clink our toast to completion, and we clink a little too hard, and we all laugh as we try not to slosh wine anywhere.

After I’ve had a savoring sip, I echo Emma, “To us!”

“Yes!”

Joy says. She smooches at us, and we smooch back.

Emma dips her roll in some gravy, takes a bite, and groans appreciatively like this is the first taste she’s had—in actuality, she’s on her third roll.

“You love it?”

I ask with a grin.

She nods big.

“You made the hell out of thish gravy!”

“You made the hell out of the orange-cranberry sauce.”

“Yes!”

Joy says again. She holds up the deliciously sauced sandwich she just grabbed from the platter in the middle of the table; we got some sliced Thanksgiving turkey from a place in town, but only for these sandwiches.

“I could live off of this food we’re eating, y’all!”

“Right? And your oven-roasted potatoes are amazing, Joyful.”

“Aw, thank you! I’m so happy with how crispy they got!”

“Crispy potatoes are the best.”

Emma is nodding big again and again, looking like she’s in food heaven.

Oh, my friends. I love them so damn much.

And I love that they really do support me and Luke. When we left my bedroom this morning, Joy was puttering around the kitchen and Emma was shuffling out of the bathroom, but they both perked up at the sight of us and then grinned and clapped when we told them our news.

Here and now, I shift a smile between the girls, then tell them.

“I’m thankful for both of you no matter what day of the year it is.”

Each of them goes soft in expression. Joy presses a hand to her chest and instantly looks watery-eyed.

It makes me feel more emotional, too, as I add to them.

“I love you both.”

Just like that, they’re setting down what they’re holding and scraping up out of their chairs. I copy them and we all meet in a tight hug.

“I love you both, too, so much,”

Emma tells us.

“So do I,”

Joy says.

“And I’m thankful for you no matter what day it is too.”

“Same, times infinity.”

I squeeze them as hard as I can. They do the same to me.

Blessings, each of them.

—

Before I know it, it’s early on Tuesday afternoon. My friends have left town and I’m waiting for Luke to come pick me up from my apartment. It’s time to kick off me staying with him for the next few days.

Since I have to work in a little while, I’ve gotten dressed for that, then triple-checked that I’ve packed everything I’ll need. While we were texting this morning, I said I’d like to make sure we won’t have to come back over here for anything and he told me not to worry about something so silly, but he had to know that wouldn’t talk me out of it.

I also received a short visit from Huck and Harleigh Merritt, which was a pleasant surprise; even though they live across the hall, it’s been a while since I’ve talked to either of them. The place to find them is usually at the bar, but obviously I’ve stayed away from there lately, and even when the girls and I cross paths with them there in normal times, they’re always too busy to talk for long. Today it was great to spend a few minutes hearing about their holiday plans, catching them up on Kyle and thanking them for having my back about him, letting them know how my friends are, and getting a sneak peek of information about fun end-of-year events they’re planning for the bar.

Now that I’m officially the only one in the apartment and there isn’t much of anything for me to focus on, everything feels eerily empty, still, quiet. Seems like the cold outside is seeping its way indoors despite that the thermostat is set on a comfortable temperature.

I know it would feel different if the plan were for Luke to stay here; he would liven things up the moment he arrived. Still, I’m looking forward to us staying at his place. Since making our plan, I’ve found myself comforted by the memory of being there and the prospect of going back. It’ll be nice to be in his space again.

Talk about him livening things up around here—the mere thought of him seems to brighten the cloudy daylight filling the apartment, seems to ward away that creeping cold just a bit.

Then a happy tune of a knock comes at the front door, and my stomach flips with excitement and relief that he’s here. I check the peephole out of habit and see him on the other side and can’t help grinning as I open the door.

He grins back at me without a moment’s pause, happiness and warmth radiating from him.

He livens me up.

—

“All right,”

Luke says as he shuts us out of his apartment.

“Got your sleepover stuff brought in, got my list of what to buy at the grocery store, you’re all set to go to work….”

The first two points are exciting. The third…not so much. I wish I were getting ready to spend more time with him rather than getting ready to be taken to Lucent—God, am I in no mood to be away from him. But after this midday shift, I’ll get lots of time with him. I mean, I work tomorrow, too, but so does he, so we’ll be in the same place even if that place isn’t here.

He turns away from the door and starts going down the stairs.

“I’m forgetting something I need to do.”

While I follow him, I think. While I think, I say pointedly.

“Guess what’s good for not forgetting things you need to do.”

He considers that only for a second, and then his chuckles and their white puffs of warmth hit the cold air.

“The Reminders function on my phone?”

I chuckle, too, in confirmation.

He says.

“How strange that you mentioned it one time in passing and looking into it still slipped my mind. Ordinarily, I hang on every word you say.”

“Sure you do.”

“Cross my heart, Maggie Moss.”

His tone has gone more serious here, and I love the sentiment.

Still, I say.

“Next time something comes up, I’ll remind you to set a reminder for it.”

“Cool, if it’s important.”

“Even if it’s not. You can do it just to get into the habit.”

He waves a hand.

“Nah, that’s not necessary. I remember most things. Whatever is evading me right now must not be that big of a deal.”

“Well, if you just go ahead, then you won’t keep forgetting to use the tool that will keep you from forgetting to do things you don’t wanna forget to do. Right?”

He finishes descending the stairs and turns to fully face me, and the way he looks at me is so warm and genuinely easy; he isn’t truly defending himself just like I’m not truly berating him. He puts his arms out to the sides, settles his hands on the wooden railings lining the stairs. I stop on the bottom step. Being near his height gives me free rein to soak up his expression, especially from this close.

I take my time doing it.

Warm and easy Luke is something to behold.

I’d say I look my fill of him, but it isn’t true; there’s not enough time for that.

Belatedly, I notice he hasn’t spoken again because he’s been soaking me up, too, while we’ve stood here. I don’t stop him. I want him to think warm and easy Maggie is something to behold too.

After another little bit, he finally murmurs.

“I ought to set a reminder to find out how to get your first name changed to Bossy.”

I break into a smile, snort into light laughter.

“Bossy Moss?”

He winks at me. “Mmhmm.”

The wind nudges at us, makes us tense up a little, causes my bangs to tickle my forehead and his raven hair to be mussed even more attractively than it was. My fingers go there, not quite stroking his hair, not quite resting on it.

His breath in is slow and goes deep. His eyes go slowly, too, over my lips, stirring a buzz in them. In a smooth second, his hands are in my coat and around my waist, lifting me enough for my feet to leave the step—my breath hitches and my free hand takes hold of his shoulder. With half a turn, he sets me on solid ground with him. I’m back to having to tilt my face up to see his.

Fun though the other angle was, there’s no denying that this one feels perfect.

Like the suddenly gentle, almost vulnerable intensity in his expression.

Like his hands no matter where he ever puts them on me.

Like those eyes falling shut as I allow my fingers to slip farther into his hair.

It hits me once again that no one has ever affected me the way he does.

I have to whisper.

“You’re breathtaking, you know.”

He stays as he is for another few moments. Then his grip on me tightens, and his thumbs drag down over the fabric of my blouse—they’re as deliberate going back up as his new breath is going into his lungs. His eyes drift open again, and as they connect with mine, their intensity seems to heighten. It’s like his grip is tight around my heart as well.

“Thank you,”

he says lowly.

“I don’t know it about myself, but I know it about you.”

I don’t know it about myself either.

And yet where we stand with me in his hands, after all the times I’ve already been pressed against him and felt, seen, heard how highly he thinks of me…I also don’t know only self-conscious things about myself. Not anymore.

Little by little, he’s helping me realize I’m okay.

It…makes me feel brave.

Makes me wish I hadn’t shied away from the gentle sweep of his hand just beneath my shirt after we woke up together in my bed. I wish I had let my desire for his touch be bigger than my worry about not being enjoyable to touch. Wish I could have had more time to absorb what he said and quiet my nerves and let myself be in those moments the way I wanted to be.

Thinking of all that and of my current feeling of bravery reminds me of other similar things. Brave words I spoke at the park the other day, as well as a much older memory.

Since those words didn’t end in disaster, I don’t hold back the ones that come to me now.

“Do you remember the Water Rocks? The cloudy day when…?”

Luke’s gaze settles on mine with blue gentleness.

“Of course I do. I’ll never forget that day. The way you looked at me and the way you made me feel.”

Even with us no longer being at odds, those last things aren’t things I expected to hear. They put flickers of more memories in my mind, put an abrupt shakiness in my hands—and they leave me warm with wonder about how I made him feel.

I look down from his face and finally abandon his hair and shoulder to smooth at the front of his coat once, twice. Then I adjust the open sides of it for no reason.

“Neither will I,”

I whisper.

“Never forget it.”

After another fidgety second, I give a reluctant laugh.

“I still think I must’ve been bad at it. First kiss.”

“No, you weren’t bad at it. You were just right.”

I don’t have to see his eyes to know he means that; it emanates from him like all the rest of his sincerity has.

A lump springs to life in my throat, and I can’t help thinking even more about it: the first boy I kissed, the first boyfriend I had, the first boy I gave my heart to, the first boy to crush me, the first boy I crushed.

Embarrassment tries to sear up through the hum of the lovely things I feel…but I don’t want that or any of those other gray thoughts.

We’re not interested in wallowing in the bad stuff. All of that happened a long time ago and we were young. We were growing and part of growing is doing things that are stupid. If we learn from it, it doesn’t have to hinder us for the rest of our lives. That’s why we agreed to put up the wall between us and the past.

I bring my eyes back to his. That lump in my throat twinges hard when I see the look on his face because it’s as full as my chest is.

I wonder what he’s thinking. I don’t want to ask in case it, too, involves something sad.

Instead, I keep going with the calmer thoughts, and I smile at him.

He seems to leave behind whatever has brought that expression on, and he smiles back.

As his lips near mine, I realize I’m tugging lightly on the front of his coat, realize his hands are pulling me closer too. I don’t know which of us started it, but we’re equally on board for the kiss that’s approaching.

It comes, stays only for short seconds, then goes.

So not enough.

We’re being magnetized back in when his name rings out from nearby, genial and followed by the closing of two car doors.

Our moments come to a sudden end. He shares a disappointed sigh with me before we step apart.

“Hi, Luke!”

comes now, the voice clearly belonging to a child. When I look over, I see an older woman and a little girl waving.

“Oh,”

Luke says to me.

“uh, the neighbors I told you about. Turkey craft kid and her grandma.”

I wish we hadn’t been interrupted, but my work shift starts soon anyway, and my heart warms anew at the mention of these people.

“Oh, okay.”

I wave back.

Luke calls.

“Hello, you two! Doing all right?”

The grandma winces apologetically and replies.

“Well, we are, but I’m sorry to interrupt. Would it trouble you to carry this case of bottled water indoors? I had a young man at the store load it into my car, but I wasn’t sure how I’d get it out again!”

He rather perks up.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll grab that for you.”

He puts one arm around me and takes me with him as he walks.

“Ms. Ruth, this is Maggie, my girlfriend!”

“Aw, your girlfriend! Nice to meet you, dear! You’ve got yourself such a sweet man!”

I don’t know when the grin came to my face, but it’s here.

“The pleasure is mine, ma’am. And yes, I know—I’m so lucky. Is there anything I can help carry while Luke gets the water?”

In a way, these few minutes we spend helping and chatting set unease into my bones; I don’t want to be late for work. But greater than that feeling is a sense of perspective tied up with happiness. I’m relieved we were here to ensure Ms. Ruth and her granddaughter didn’t hurt themselves trying to carry something heavy on their own, and she and Mitzy are friendly and cute, and…I don’t know. It all just makes me feel like the delay is worth it. Surely the world won’t end if I arrive at Lucent a touch later than I meant to.

Indeed, it turns out not to. When Luke pulls into a parking space in front of the building so I can get out, the clock on his dashboard says my shift starts in one minute, and I’m okay with it both in my mind and out loud when he apologizes.

“It’s fine,”

I assure him.

That has him making a, ‘Wow, okay,’ kind of look, which I understand yet find adorable.

“You’re going to the store now?” I ask.

He blinks away his surprise and nods.

“Yep. I’ll get those last-minute things we need for my mom’s house.”

“Can you get us some gummy worms while you’re at it?”

I love the smile he breaks out into, and I love the laugh that follows it.

“My God, I….”

He bites back the rest of the sentence, but his eyes stay bright.

“Yes, I will.”

Then he makes a swift move across the center console and kisses me.

It’s hard to only give myself a moment to kiss him back, but I manage. After, I look at him for one more bright second of my own, then smile, too, and hurry out of the car.

The world still doesn’t end when I get clocked in directly after my shift was supposed to start—a couple of people are in the breakroom, but none of them care what I’m doing. Even the hostess I’m replacing doesn’t mind that I don’t get to the stand precisely on time. She just smiles and trades wishes for a great Thanksgiving with me before she leaves.

Everything is fine.

Who’d have thunk it, right?

I recall the day Luke and I decided to be a fake couple. He mentioned teaching me that rules don’t have to be rigidly followed all the time. Although I’m sure it made me roll my eyes back then, now it makes me chuckle.

I’m still not okay with things like having my phone on me while I’m on the clock, but if I were and I had it now, I’d text him to share my amusement.

All that said, my mood does cool as I get started with my shift. Even with Luke so big in my mind, I don’t forget about Kyle. I replay the days he showed up here, and then I’m taken by a cascade of other memories that spill discomfort through me. I can’t help feeling freshly worried and afraid.

But at the park….

I’m eased by remembering how Luke stood up for me and in front of me, how he laid it all out for Kyle…and how Kyle’s attitude changed within seconds.

Maybe it’s all over. Maybe he finally got the message.

I don’t know how many times I’ve hoped these things over the last couple of days.

All I know is that unlike every other time I wished Kyle would go away, this time it looks like he really might. We weren’t supposed to confront him, so I feel stupid about that, but when Luke did it, it seemed to snap Kyle out of whatever he was thinking.

But if it didn’t—if Kyle’s words of apology and truce at the park meant nothing and he keeps bothering me—I’ll find a way to deal with it. I won’t be alone in it. I’ll have my family, my friends…and my not-fake boyfriend.

I actually do kind of wish I had my phone on me right now. I think Luke would like to hear that I’m finally feeling kind of positive about all this.

Between that truth and the knowledge that I’ll get to tell him in person soon enough, my mood warms right back up.