Page 31 of Ever After Between the Lines (Montgomery Ink Legacy)

Chapter Four

SAWYER

“Fuck.”

Laura dropped her hands and cursed under her breath. “I’m sorry. Was that her?”

I glared at Laura, even though this wasn’t her fault. No, of course this wasn’t her fault. Everything that we had gone through over the past fifteen years had everything and nothing to do with any actions she had made.

Instead, Laura had been the person stuck in the center of complications and brutality and loss repeatedly until there was no escaping.

And I had been the one standing beside her, and yet a thousand miles away.

“Yes. That was her.” Guilt rode up my throat, and I swallowed back any bile that had come with it.

I had done my best to keep my past in the past. Because every time I was forced to look at it, it felt like I was right back in it.

Feeling every single moment of loss and pain.

I thought I was over this. I thought I could look toward the future and see something.

Instead, all I saw was the past. It gripped me with its talons and plunged me into its darkness.

There were many reasons why I had left my old life behind. Some of it had to do with my passions and my needs. But a lot of it had to do with the man I used to be. Because I wasn’t him anymore.

“You should have told her, Sawyer,” Laura whispered.

I froze, my chest tightening.

“Laura is right.” I glared at my brother as he spoke, but he held up his hand before I could say anything. “I don’t know why you and Kate were keeping a relationship on the down low for so long. But it’s not my business.”

“You’re damn right it’s not your business.”

“Sawyer,” Laura whispered.

I flinched. “I am going to tell her.”

“Everything?” Gus asked.

“Don’t. Just don’t. I fucked up.”

“You did,” Gus snapped. “Kate is a good person. But the problem is so are you.”

My heart raced. “Why are you yelling at me about this?”

“Because you don’t think you are. Because every single time you find a little bit of happiness you think you need to push it away. You think it’s your fault that anything bad happens in the world.” Gus paled and looked over at Laura. “I’m sorry.”

“No, that’s why I’m here. I wanted to tell him I was doing okay. That he doesn’t have to worry about me. Stop worrying about what happened. I know you are never going to be able forget, but I am not on your chest anymore.”

“But you are,” I whispered, barely resisting the urge to rub my hand over the ink on my flesh. The ink that Kate had traced that morning.

“I’m not a problem. Maybe I should stop coming here. Maybe I should stop visiting you. I only came to tell you I was happy. And that I want you to be as well.”

I began to pace, bringing my hand through my hair. “She was already falling away, Gus. This isn’t going to help anything.”

“I can talk to her,” Laura said, her voice soft.

I shook my head. “I don’t think that would help anything.”

“Well, if your groveling doesn’t work, I’ll talk to her. Because you deserve happiness, Sawyer. So I’m going to leave and I’m truly sorry if I messed up anything.”

“It wasn’t you, Laura. I should’ve said something to her before this.”

“And I shouldn’t have touched your face. I’m just so used to thinking of you as the boy you were. Just like I was the girl before. But I’m not. Be well, Sawyer. And I’ll do the same.”

And with that she walked away, leaving me alone with Gus and all of the mistakes I had made.

“How do I tell her?”

“First you need to figure out what you want. Do you love her?”

I looked at my brother, my shoulders tense. “I never thought I would be able to.”

“Maybe you should think of an actual answer before you talk to her then. You don’t have to love her right now, but you have to respect her enough to know that if you can’t love her, you need to let her go.”

“I never should have let it come this far.”

“That is bullshit. You are my brother. I love you with everything that I have. You are a damn fine uncle and brother-in-law. You are a fantastic brother and son. And yet, you are horrible to yourself.”

“This isn’t helping anything,” I groaned.

“Maybe it’s time we have this conversation. Yes, in the middle of our work parking lot. But there hasn’t been a better time, has there?”

“Gus.” My pulse increased and I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to go back to the way things were. Where Kate didn’t have to know what I didn’t have in me.

“No. You’re going to listen to me for a moment.

Because you went through hell and I will never understand how life could be so cruel.

I will hate what happened to you, and the fact that nothing we had within our grasp could prevent that.

But you saw Laura. She is the healthiest I’ve ever seen her.

And she wants you to be happy. Just like we do.

Laura, even through the worst, was never selfish enough to want to pull you from your current life.

From your future. You were the one that always did that.

So let yourself have a future. If not, then what is the fucking point of you being here? ”

“Gus,” I rasped.

“I was losing you day by day. I thought maybe when you changed jobs and found your art again you were back. But I was wrong. And then you started to smile again. And you started to leave the house. You were happier. It took me forever to realize it was because of Kate. Because you are finally letting yourself be . Don’t let the past scare you from what could be now. Don’t hurt her.”

“I’m already doing it.”

“So stop.”

“You say that as if it’s easy.”

“Life is never easy. The choices we make, even the ones that feel insurmountable or the easiest thing in the world, always come with conditions. Find her. Fix this. For her and yourself. I love you, Sawyer. But don’t let this catapult into something worse.”

And with that, Gus squeezed the back of my neck, glared at me for a moment, and then left.

I looked down at my hands, feeling far more hopelessly than I ever had in the past. Or at least for a good long while.

I had to repair this.

Kate deserved better. She always had.

And the problem was, I knew exactly where she had run off to. That should worry me more than anything.

I ran around the corner and down two blocks to where the small creek that surrounded the area lay. We were in off-season, so the creek wasn’t full or bubbling, but there was still enough of it for one of those picturesque moments if you were on a certain bridge.

Our bridge.

The one that I had first kissed her on, the one that I had first allowed myself to just be.

Kate stood there on the bridge, her back to me.

The slight breeze in the air winnowed through her hair, sending tendrils backward.

She turned slightly so I could see her profile, but she hadn’t caught sight of me.

She looked like a damn goddess there. With her hair billowing around her face, those flowing pants moving slightly in the wind.

As dusk threatened, the streetlights hadn’t turned on fully, so I couldn’t see her face.

I couldn’t read her features. That had been the problem the past week or so.

Because she had started to hide her feelings from me.

But even in our lightest moments, those feelings had broken through.

And I had seen the rawness of them so well it scared me.

I was such a bastard.

She stood on our bridge, the one we had first kissed, the one where I had taken it too far, and there was no going back to what was.

I knew my footsteps were loud as I walked up behind her, but Kate didn’t say anything.

Didn’t move. Instead she just stared off into the distance, her hands on the railing.

The metal and wood of the bridge was more decorative than anything.

If a strong gust hit it, it was sturdy enough not to be blown away, but bicyclists didn’t even use it really.

It was just a place that was fragile enough that others stayed away from it, yet sturdy enough for you to walk over, or perhaps take a moment.

Just like we had done before.

And perhaps what we were doing now.

“Who is she?”

Her voice broke me. Because there wasn’t sadness there. There wasn’t anger. No, it was resignation. I would’ve even preferred it being devoid of emotion. Instead it was as if she knew where this would lead. And I didn’t even know.

“Her name is Laura.”

“That’s not really an answer. But perhaps it is. Is she why you kept us secret for so long?”

I frowned, resisting the urge to reach out and touch her shoulder. I wanted her to face me. I needed to see her eyes. Only I knew once I did I would lose all sense of what I needed to do. Not what I wanted to do.

“I thought the two of us were keeping our business private because we wanted to. Because of your small town, and because it was nice just to have something for the two of us.”

She turned then, a wry smile on her face.

But it didn’t reach her eyes. “You know what, that is true. I’m the one who agreed to secrecy.

To hiding what we were to each other. Though I don’t really know what that is, so the hiding it had been a good thing.

It had given us time to be with one another, without any complications or worries or expectations. Except I might.”

“Kate.”

She shook her head. “I lied. Because I did have expectations. I didn’t mean to.

But I kept wanting more. And that’s my problem.

We never promised each other more. We didn’t promise each other anything.

So who is Laura, Sawyer? How many other secrets did you keep?

How many other trysts did you keep in your pocket?

Did you take her up to a mountain lodge?

Where you pretended there was one room and one bed? ”

“No. It’s not like that.”

“Then what was it? Where did I go wrong?”

I needed to reach out but I knew she’d reject my touch. And I’d deserve it. “You didn’t go wrong. This isn’t your fault.”