Page 20 of Estelle’s Ardent Admirer (The Bookshop Belles #1)

CHAPTER 20

Much Better Words

M isery engulfed Estelle at how badly her world had turned. And how quickly. The Ferndale Hall staff were at that very moment happily making her life, and the lives of her sisters, so much easier, and she’d interpreted Felix’s assistance as interference.

“I’ve gone mad,” she said as she reached for Crafty and gave the cat a cuddle. Her fur was soft and warm, and with a sinking heart, she realised the cat was heavier than usual. Stroking the cat’s sides, she felt the outward curve of her belly and sighed again.

Crafty biffed her head against Estelle’s chin and then flopped onto the counter. “I am an idiot,” Estelle told herself, as tears splashed into Crafty’s fur. The cat let out a mew of protest at having water dripped on her, sprang up and scarpered away.

Estelle wiped her face and sniffed loudly. There was nothing for it; she buried her head in her hands and sobbed. Guilt added to her sorrows. Their debts were under control, thanks to Felix, and they had beautiful fabric for new dresses thanks to Miss Yates. She should be the happiest bride in all of England, but instead she was a miserable wreck who’d thrown it all back in Felix’s face.

And oh, the fabrics! She should give them all back, but they’d cut most of them up already and Mrs Poole had half a dozen local girls stitching away frantically to get them made up by the time of the wedding… and oh no, she was going to have to face Reverend Millings and probably have to listen to one of his awful lectures and…

“Estelle?” Marie’s voice said softly, an interminable amount of time later. “What ever is the matter?”

“Everything,” she wailed into her hands. “I’ve ruined it all.”

“I’ll get Louise. She’ll know what to do.”

A minute later, Estelle was surrounded by her sisters and their worried faces. She burst into a fresh bout of tears. “I’ve been awful to Felix and I called him useless and now there won’t be a wedding and it’s all my fault,” she said in a rush of emotion.

Louise pulled Estelle away from the counter and wrapped her in her arms. “There there, I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

“It’s worse,” Estelle sniffed loudly and Bernadette pressed a handkerchief her way. “We had a fight and he’s going to call the wedding off.”

Marie asked, “Why would you fight? You are perfect for each other.”

“That’s the problem. I thought he was so perfect as well, but he was doing too much and he was taking over. And even worse than that, he thought I’d simply up and leave you all to manage the bookshop without me!”

Bernadette laughed.

Estelle stopped crying immediately and stared at her youngest sister.

Bernadette shrugged, “What’s the problem with that?”

That was not the response Estelle was expecting. “I’m needed here. Running the bookshop is a lot of responsibility.”

Louise, Marie and Bernadette exchanged glances. Louise said, “We’re not infants. We are perfectly capable.”

“But father…”

“... Will come back. At some point,” Marie reminded her. “Just because he left you in charge doesn’t mean you have to always be in charge. He told us to use our initiative, and we have. We will continue to use our initiative. We will manage very well. We started discussing it even before you accepted Mr Yates. I even talked to Reverend Millings, and though he won’t let us pay Ruth wages, he’s said she can come to work for us properly as long as we put two shillings in the collection plate for her every Sunday. She’ll do very well behind the counter with a little training, so we won’t even be short-handed.”

“And Brutus has asked if I’ll teach him book-binding,” Louise put in, looking rather pleased with herself. “I said yes, of course, and I’m going to use your room as the drying-room, so we’ll be able to expand my binding operations.”

Estelle looked for reasons to argue and all she could come up with was, “So, you’re saying I’m not needed?” They’d already arranged to replace her, even made plans for her room, without saying a single thing about it!

Bernadette put her hands on her hips in frustration and raised her voice. “We never said that! Stop twisting things! No wonder you had a fight if you turn people’s words around like that!”

A fresh wail erupted from Estelle but Bernadette cut her off. “Mr Yates is the best thing that ever happened to you. It’s one thing to be nervous, but another entirely to throw away your chance of happiness.”

“He wanted to take me to Ireland. We’d be away for up to six months!”

“Ireland!” Louise looked amazed. “My goodness, what an adventure! You lucky thing!”

“No, but… but…” she couldn’t say that she didn’t want to go to Ireland. The lie burned her tongue.

“You got scared,” Bernadette said when Estelle couldn’t get a coherent word out. “You’re supposed to be the sensible eldest daughter, but you’re acting like a baby!”

“I am not!” Estelle raised her voice in denial, though she sounded querulous and petulant even to her own ears. Slowly, she turned to Louise and Marie, who shrugged and shook their heads.

Louise said, “I think you are. Mr Yates is lovely. He’s handsome, thoughtful and he’ll take excellent care of you. Actually, not just you, he’s also making sure the rest of us are looked after. He told me yesterday he ordered me four brand-new book presses from London!” Her face shone with happiness. “I said he was too generous, and do you know what he said? He said that he’d never had a sister, and now he has three, so he fully intends to spoil us!”

Estelle looked around at them, seeing the sincerity on their faces, as well as their concern for her. They meant every word they were saying, she realised. And not only that, but they were all grown women, even Bernadette; they weren’t her baby sisters any more. They’d sat down together - while she was deliriously distracted by Felix - and worked out a plan for exactly how they were going to cope without Estelle. A good plan, too, Estelle doubted she could have come up with a better one.

Marie adjusted her glasses and said, “We’ll still be here for you, when you get back from Ireland. And the bookshop will be here too. I’m sure Father will be home by then as well. You really won’t have anything to worry about.”

“We will be fine,” Bernadette said, handing Estelle another handkerchief when Estelle sniffed loudly. “But if you stay here moping about and not marrying Mr Yates, you will drive us all mad with how you drove the loveliest man away for the silliest of reasons.”

“But I want to look after you,” Estelle said, realising the truth of her feelings. “I’m worried what will happen to you when I’m gone.”

“For goodness’ sake!” Louise shouted. “Let go of this weight of duty or expectation or whatever else it is that’s making you act so addle-headed and get out there and marry that man!”

Goodness, her sisters could really cut her down to size when they were like this. Estelle wasn’t sure they’d ever all ganged up on her this way before; it was quite lowering.

But she had a sickening feeling that every word they’d spoken was the truth.

“Am I really being so stupid?” she asked timorously.

“YES!” the three of them yelled at her.

Lightheaded dizziness took hold and Estelle thought she might faint. “What have I done?”

Louise clapped her hands together, shaking her head and half-laughing. “She gets it! Finally!”

Clarity dawned through her misery. “I don’t want to lose Felix.”

Marie shook her head and said to nobody in particular, “I don’t understand people in love. They act so silly.”

“I am in love!” Estelle said, suddenly realising the truth. “I love Felix Yates, and I’ve… I’ve sent him away! Oh dear. How can I fix this?”

Bernadette put her hand on Estelle’s shoulder and said, “Go and get him, silly.”

“But he’s gone to Ireland! He said he was going to go on his own because he was sure I wouldn’t want to see him…”

“I’m fairly sure he won’t have ridden directly to Bristol to get on a boat,” Marie said dryly. “Trips like that do take time to arrange. He’ll be at Ferndale Hall, packing. I’m sure you could catch up to him.”

“And if I don’t catch up to him, I shall find out where in Ireland his mother lives and follow him there.” Estelle set her jaw determinedly.

“There’s my big sister who doesn’t let anything stop her when she wants something,” Bernadette said proudly. “What are you waiting for?”

“You’re right!” Estelle rushed out the door. A moment later she rushed back in and ran for the stairs, shouting “I need my riding habit!”

“I’ll come and help you change,” Louise said, laughing as she followed Estelle up the stairs. “Calm down, Estelle. You’ll catch up to him.”

Mere moments later, Estelle was in the livery yard behind the Red Lion, becoming reacquainted with Somerset Valley Four.

Just as she was leaving, Cousin Joshua displayed his impeccably awful timing and caught her in the archway.

“Where are you off to?” he asked. It sounded more like an imperious demand.

She had no patience left for him and shouted, “Leave us alone!” then clicked her tongue to the horse to trot away.

“Come back here immediately!” Joshua shouted, but he was behind her and Estelle pretended she hadn’t heard.

Paying back only a little of Joshua’s rudeness did not feel good, because it immediately made her fret about how he might take his temper out on her sisters. Surely he’d go straight into the bookshop and give them a piece of his mind.

As much as she wanted to turn back and help them, they had assured her they were capable of looking after themselves. Joshua would surely test them, but she had to let them handle the annoying man on their own.

At this moment, she had a drumbeat in her heat: Get to Felix. Get to Felix.

Had he already called off the wedding? He might have gone straight to the church after leaving the bookshop, to tell Reverend Millings not to call the last banns tomorrow. It would be all her fault if he had; after all, she’d told him to.

I’m such a fool, I only hope I’m not too late to tell Felix I love him. I will never stop telling him I love him.

Her heart nearly cracked at the thought of never seeing him again. Never seeing that wide, joyous smile of his or hearing him crack a joke in an obvious attempt to amuse her. Kissing him. Suddenly, she remembered Miss Yates’ words about her long-lost fiancé; “None of the gentlemen made my heart beat fast the way my Henry did.”

Felix makes my heart beat like that, Estelle thought, urging Somerset Valley Four to trot faster.

I really do love him , she realised. She could not imagine the rest of her life without Felix in it.

Beside her. Wherever they lived.

But first, she had to get to him.

If he’d already departed for Ireland, she really would beg Lord Ferndale for his mother’s address and go there to find him. And she’d apologise profusely to Lord Ferndale and Miss Yates for making such a mess of things; she shuddered to think of how disappointed they must be!

So many mixed thoughts swirled through her head as Somerset Valley Four took her through the streets of Hatfield. St John’s church was just ahead. She’d put up with Brimstone marrying them if she could only right her stupid mistakes.

The sight of Felix approaching the church from the other direction made her shudder in fear. There he was, the man of her future, but he was on his way to cancel their wedding.

She pulled Somerset Valley Four to a stop and slid out of the saddle onto the road. Tears turned the world blurry as she ran towards Felix. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” she called out.

Felix pulled up his horse and climbed off, holding on to the reins. His face looked stricken, his eyes red. She’d done this to him.

She had to fix this terrible wrong. “Please, Felix, I’m so very sorry. I’ll understand if you want to call it off, but please don’t just yet. I love you. I really do love you and it feels so good to say that at last. I’ve been such a fool and I…”

Felix tethered Hannibal to a water trough in the street, then reached for her and held her tightly.

“My darling Estelle, tell me this is not some feverish dream and that you’re really here?”

“I am here, and I’m so sorry.”

“Is everything all right?” He held her face in his hands. “How - no, I won’t say that.”

Estelle sniffed and smiled through the tears. “You were about to ask how you could help, weren’t you?”

“Guilty,” he said with a shy smile.

“Please don’t cancel the wedding. I do want to marry you, Felix, if you still want to marry me. Because I love you, and I realise that now. My sisters ganged up on me and helped show me how foolish I was. And how awful I was in accusing you of taking over. You weren’t, not at all. You really were helping. Are helping. I think I was angry with myself that you’d helped so much. Maybe I thought I could do everything but I was also not letting my sisters step up and help either. They’re not children any more, they’re grown women and I need to stop making decisions for them…”

Felix’s lips descended on hers in an emotional kiss that was a little less delicate than their earlier ones on account of their heightened emotions and their free-flowing tears.

“My darling Estelle,” he said.

Hearing those words made her heart sing. “I love you, Felix.”

He said nothing more as they kissed again, openly and quite scandalously outside St John’s.

When they eventually stopped kissing, Estelle said, “I’m so relieved I reached you before you reached the church.”

His brow creased. “I wasn’t going to church. I thought you were.”

“I was coming to you.”

He laughed and kissed her again, “I was on my way to you , to beg forgiveness and ask you to give us another chance. To tell you that I don’t care where we live; all I care about is that I live with you.”

They laughed and kissed again and held each other.

“I want to live with you in Ferndale Hall,” Estelle said, realising that the words were true even as she spoke them. “We’re perfectly able to help from there if my sisters need us, but you’re right. You really did make it clear to me from the beginning that you needed me to be mistress of the Hall - so did your grandfather! - and I wasn’t being fair. I do want that, and I think I could be good at it.”

Felix half-laughed, shaking his head. “You will be incredible at it, something everyone but you already fully understands.”

“And I want to go to Ireland to meet your mother. I want to sail on a ship, and maybe even go and see Greece one day - though I really do think I want to wait until after Father gets home for a trip that far.”

“Quite understandable!” Felix looked overjoyed. “Would you like to delay the wedding?” he asked quite seriously. “Of course you want your father there on your wedding day. I am happy to wait for you as long as need be.”

The dear, darling man. Estelle shook her head. “No. Father might be months, or even a year. I don’t want to wait that long to marry you. Besides, Louise has plans to take over my room with the four new book presses you ordered for her.” She pinched his arm lightly, smiling up at him. “You are too generous.”

He shook his head, still grinning foolishly, and kissed her again.

Estelle looked around and realised something. “Somerset Valley Four is missing.”

“What?”

“The horse I hired. I was so distracted I forgot to tether him.”

Felix puffed himself up and held out the crook of his arm to take. “Well then, my darling, I believe it is incumbent on us to find that wandering animal and return him home.”

They retrieved Hannibal and walked back toward the Red Lion, assuming the hired horse would make his way back to the yard.

“I need to apologise to you as well,” Felix said. “I was overdoing it. I was trying too hard to impress you and overstepped. I should have helped with you, rather than making decisions without consulting you. I should have listened more rather than making assumptions.”

It felt so good to hear those words, although she felt far too guilty that she’d messed this up so much. “We’ve made rather a muddle of things, haven’t we?”

“We can begin to un-muddle them in our sweet time. I was excited about Ireland and leapt into action instead of asking you first. I do have to work on that side of myself. Please keep me sensible when the insensible occasion arises.”

Estelle wiped away another tear, this one of happiness. “You bring joy when it’s most needed. Please don’t change.”

They kissed again and Estelle felt so loved and adored. When they came up for air, she said, “I love you so much, Felix Yates. I know that whenever life brings us low, you will find a way to bring some joy.”

Felix joked, “I have a feeling we might spend a good deal of our time hunting for stray animals.”

“At least this one won’t get pregnant. It is a he, and a gelding at that.”

They giggled and held hands as they continued to search for the hired horse. They turned the corner to see it heading through the arch into his home behind the Red Lion.

“Ahh, clever horse.” Estelle said. “I have heard they have an excellent sense of direction and always find their way home.”

“Just as I will always find my way home to you, my dearest, wherever that might be.”

Her heart could not be more full, and yet Felix had found a way to do just that.

“I do love you so much,” she said, holding his hands in hers and leaning in for yet another kiss. “Let us never argue again.”

He kissed her with such gentle passion she quite lost her head. When he pulled back, he said, “I shall do my best to make sure we never have a reason to do so.”

An angry male voice behind her said, “Stop this disgusting display immediately!”

Estelle sighed deeply.

Felix looked to Joshua, then to Estelle, his eyebrow raised in question.

That’s when she realised what he was doing; asking her permission before he stepped in to help.

The beautiful man. She smiled at him and whispered, “Be my guest.”

“Ahh, Cousin Joshua,” Felix exclaimed loudly. “Your timing is impeccable. I shall be a moment. Wait for us inside the bookshop.”

Joshua’s jaw dropped open but he quickly shut it. Estelle had never seen him so lost for words.

Felix handed Hannibal to the livery stable hand and gave him a coin, then he extended his elbow to Estelle and they made their way into the shop for yet another completely unnecessary confrontation.

“We are a team,” Estelle said determinedly. “We can manage this.”