Page 11 of Escaped (Snowbound with a Stranger #3)

Domino Effect

Eli

“We’re both killers.”

She repeated my words, disbelief resounding in her tone.

“You’re a killer too?”

“Yes.”

Surely, she knew that much, didn’t she? She’d seen me blow the brains out of one of Hawkins’ men.

She exhaled as though I’d punched her in the belly, and her face blanched as I glanced her way.

“I know this isn’t easy.”

Squeezing her knee again, I withdrew my hand and returned it to the wheel.

The road was long, its winding confines widening as we raced from Hawkins’ bunker, but I still had more control over the car with both hands.

“Right.”

Her shaky voice demonstrated the understatement of my point.

I knew from experience that there was nothing easy about taking another life. That was why I hadn’t wanted it for Erin. She’d deserved better, but she’d ended up with me and the foes from my fucked-up past.

“Can you tell me the truth?”

The weight of her gaze speared me.

“About what?”

I sensed where her question was leading—to the dark world I’d frequented before Hawkins had knocked me from the trajectory—but before I volunteered information, I wanted to be sure.

“About this so-called club I’m a part of.”

Her hand balled at her side, expressing her no doubt torrid mixture of emotions.

“Had you killed someone before Hawkins took us, sir?”

There it was—the one question I’d been dreading more than any other. The one that revealed more of who I really was than I was ready to show. As amazing as it had been getting to know my little girl, I’d known her curiosity would eventually lead us right to that moment. She was too smart to distract forever.

All those hours we’d been holed up in the cabin where I’d avoided her inquiries, the ones where deflection had led to delicious punishment and pleasure, but in the confines of Hawkins’ car, there was nowhere left to hide.

Erin had asked me a direct question, and I owed it to her to tell the truth.

“I told you once that I couldn’t be open about my old occupation.”

My jaw tightened.

“The Official Secrets Act?”

She sighed.

“Yes, little girl. If I tell you the truth, then I could be in all sorts of trouble, but I want to be honest with you. You deserve that.”

The idea that there was any trouble worse than the sort we were driving away from was laughable, but it did nothing to assuage the deafening silence stretching around the car’s interior.

“Thank you. So, will you be honest?”

“I will.”

I’d never wanted to be honest with anyone before her, but as she had in so many ways, Erin had broken all my rules.

“And yes. I had killed before Hawkins stormed the cabin.”

There were no simple ways to sugarcoat what I’d done. The man I’d been was a monster with few redeeming qualities. Sure, I’d assumed what I was doing had been good for Queen and country, but I hadn’t known, not for sure. I’d chosen to believe the things my superiors had told me because it had been a convenient way to appease what little conscience remained. I hadn’t given those faceless targets another thought until my delicate brunette had showed up for James’ hike.

“More than one person, sir?”

I tensed at the apprehension in her voice, loathing that I’d provoked her fear. After the trauma of the last few hours, she merited love and solace, not more shock and awe.

“Yes, more than one.”

There was no choice anymore. I’d have to tell her something about my previous incarnation.

“I was a paid assassin.”

I pulled in a breath, painfully aware of how the pace of her own breathing had accelerated.

“Like a spy?”

She sounded despondent. Rightfully so, I supposed, but it was still utterly demoralizing to hear the woman I was besotted with so downbeat about me.

“It was less espionage and more execution.”

I cringed at the tactless way I’d presented that, but it was already too late. The words were out there like a hammer to a landmine.

“Paid officials decided the fate of my targets, and I was employed to execute their orders.”

She shuddered, glancing down at her lap as we drove on, and for the longest time, she said nothing.

“I’m not proud of what I did.”

My tone was imploring, as if I expected the confession to rid me of any agency over the deeds, but I was nothing if not a realist. I knew how much the admission would tear the fabric of everything a woman like Erin held dear, and sitting there, I didn’t know if there was any coming back for us.

“It’s no excuse, but I want you to know that.”

“How many?”

Her jaw clenched as she looked my way again.

“How many people have you killed?”

Cold dismay resonated through my spiraling system.

“This sounds awful, but honestly, I don’t know.”

My throat dried at the painful honesty.

“I was a paid killer, little girl. I didn’t keep a running tally.”

“That’s why you didn’t tell me at the cabin.”

She nodded as though the final piece of a puzzle had just been dropped into place.

“You were ashamed.”

Ashamed? My eyes widened at her assessment. Was that what I was?

“I didn’t want you to think less of me.”

I detested the unease in my voice. So used to being in control, especially where Erin was concerned, it was new and disconcerting to find myself on the other side of the fence.

“I didn’t want the man I used to be to change things between us.

But it was stupid of me.”

I released the air I’d been holding onto.

“Of course it changes things… it changes everything.”

“Please don’t speak for me.”

She folded her arms across her chest, her expression irate.

“You might be the one allegedly in charge here, but I can still think for myself.”

“Yes.”

I had no doubt about that.

The woman I’d grown to know and wanted to worship was more than capable of thinking for herself. It seemed she was capable of a great many things, an image of James and Hawkins springing briefly to mind at the verdict.

“So, tell me what you think.”

The daylight around us seemed to be increasing, but shrouded by the trees encroaching from both sides of the road, it was taking a while for the sun to make itself known.

“I don’t even know what to think.”

She shifted her arms to give herself a hug.

“It’s not every day I, not only encounter my first gun fight, but discover the man I’ve been fucking is a killer…”

Disdain echoed in her voice.

“But then, I suppose I’m a killer now too, so what’s the difference?”

A fresh wave of stony silence stretched out around us, her gaze narrowed as she refused to meet my eyes.

“Please, Erin.”

I couldn’t recall ever being as vulnerable as I was then, sitting in that car.

“I know this is a lot, but don’t shut me out.”

“You didn’t tell me.”

Unspoken recriminations rang out in her statement.

“I asked you what you’d previously done for a living and you didn’t tell me.”

“No.”

Frankly, I wished I hadn’t had to.

“It’s not something I like to boast about.”

Killing for a salary had gifted me a comfortable life, but it had also thrust consequences in my path, as though each soul I’d taken had ebbed away a little more of my own.

Her brow rose.

“Well, that’s something at least, I suppose.”

“Men like Hawkins…”

I was reticent to mention the fucker again. His name would forever be associated with the sinking feeling in my chest and the knowledge that not only had I lost Baron, but in the process, I’d turned the woman I was in love with into a killer.

“Those are the sorts of people I used to work with.”

“‘Man’ is a rather strong noun for Hawkins.”

She spat out his name, her voice wavering as she presumably tried to reconcile her heinous experience with his ultimate fate.

“I agree.”

Stretching my neck, I tried not to focus on the pulsing throb in my shoulder. Whatever her view of me in the light of the truth, I’d need to find a medic sooner rather than later. The last thing I needed was an infection.

“I just hope you don’t feel the same way about me, that’s all.”

My tone was intentionally light-hearted, and pausing, I waited to see if she’d laugh at my quip. The quiet that met my ears was almost deafening.

“You’re nothing like Hawkins.”

“I hope not, little girl, because I need you.”

Fresh anxiety bloomed in my solar plexus as I edged closer to the other confession I wanted to relay. She already knew the murkiest part of my past. I figured I might as well tell her everything.

“For sex, you mean?”

She shook her head.

“Because after everything you’ve just told me, I don’t know how I feel about us being intimate, Eli.”

“No, not sex.”

My heart hammered faster as I edged closer to my revelation. Even when I’d worked in the field and my life had been in danger, I’d been calmer and more in control than that moment. Staring at the never-ending road ahead, I realized she held all the cards. I might have enjoyed authority at the cabin—and I had enjoyed it—but suddenly, she was the one with all the power.

“Something else.”

My foot eased off the gas, my gaze darting to check how many miles we’d successfully managed to put between us and the place we’d been held. I wouldn’t truly be happy until that number was in the hundreds, but for the time being, the imminent peril appeared to be over.

“What else?”

She fidgeted in her seat.

“Why are we stopping?”

“Because I need to talk to you properly.”

I wanted to look into her eyes when I disclosed my weaknesses. Needed her strength as I cast myself open for ridicule.

“I can’t do that when I’m driving.”

“You don’t look well.”

Her brow furrowed.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive? You have been shot, remember?”

How could I forget?

“This is just important to me, that’s all.”

Pulling over to the side of the road, I yanked on the brake, ignoring the fresh shoot of agony, before I shifted in her direction.

“More important than killing people?”

Her tone was wry, and on another day, I’d have considered spanking that look from her face, but Erin had me on the back foot and we both knew it. Revealing the truth had handed her the perfect get-out of our burgeoning relationship. She might have slain Hawkins in self-defense, but there was no justification for the things I’d been paid to do. There was no comparison between the two.

“Please listen to me.”

Ignoring her retort, I concentrated on how to relay the things I’d seen, but there was no easy way to explain that I’d been witnessing my demons in the shadows.

“I’ve been experiencing things since I did that job… bad things. Things that have plagued me.”

Changed me.

“What things?”

Recoiling, she pressed herself against the car door, but her attention remained on me.

“Images?”

I shrugged.

“I don’t know. Memories, I guess. I see them as black shapes out of the corner of my eyes, and they won’t leave me alone…”

Pausing, I pushed out the crux of the craziness.

“I think they represent the people I’ve killed…”

It sounded insane, confessing it out loud, but it was true. I just hoped she believed me.

“You see things?”

The furrow in her brow deepened.

“Yes.”

“Like… gh-ghosts?”

“If you like.”

It was a stupid response. She wouldn’t like. No one could ‘like’ the things I saw.

“But meeting you, Erin, it’s changed things.”

That might have been the understatement of my lifetime.

“When you’re around me, I don’t see those things anymore.”

I realized I was smiling as I went on.

“It’s like you’ve shone light into those incredibly dark places. You’ve frightened my demons away.”

“Really?”

Her tone sounded skeptical.

“Really.”

I pulled in a hopeful breath.

“I only saw one in my cell when we were parted. Other than that, I don’t think I’ve experienced anything since before we were in the cabin. And that’s unusual, believe me.”

I gave her a moment to soak in that knowledge.

“You’ve done that for me, little girl. You’ve not only inspired me to be a better man, but you’ve tangibly helped me to become him.”

It sounded glib, but I meant every word. She might have been the one who’d needed a guide when we’d first met, but I’d been the one who was lost.

“I…”

She hesitated.

“I don’t know what to say, sir.”

“I understand.”

Eyeing her hands, I yearned to reach for them, to feel the touch of her flesh on mine again, but it didn’t seem right until she’d had time to think through everything I’d told her and cast her verdict.

“I just wanted you to know.”

“I need time to think, but until then, you need to see a doctor, sir.”

She nodded toward my injured shoulder.

“You’re looking paler than ever. Please, let me drive until we can find a hospital.”

“A hospital?”

I shook my head at her innocent suggestion.

“Hospitals ask too many questions, little girl.”

I needed medical help, but we were going to have to think of a better option.