Page 95 of Ebbing Tides

Routine, I told myself.I need my routine. I need life to calm down. I need …

My face crumpled with a torturous, threatening wave of emotion; I knew exactly what I needed. The same thing I'dalwaysneeded, alwayscraved.

Love.

It was the only thing worth living for. The only thing that ever quieted the demons in my head. And it was the only thing I'd had to work tirelessly for, just for it to be snatched away the second I got a taste and started getting used to it … again and again and again and again.

“What the hell am I going to do?” I asked Lido, my voice quiet and quivering. “What the hell am I supposed to do without her?”

“Here you go,” Grace said, announcing her presence.

Startled, I cleared my throat and sat up, blinking away the moisture from my eyes. She hurried over with the pillows and blanket bundled in her arms, placing them on the couch beside me.

“Hey, thanks,” I said, hating how rough my tone was, giving away my emotional anguish.

Her eyes caught mine as she took a step back, and I looked away, putting my focus back on Lido. Hoping his unconditional affection could make it easier to breathe in this place void of oxygen.

“I guess I'll head up to bed,” Grace said reluctantly, like she didn't want to walk away. Like if she did, I might disappear and cease to exist.

“Okay.”

“I love you.”

My throat tightened around nothing but the sadness rising up from my chest. “I love you too.”

She headed toward the stairs, taking each step slowly, until she stopped walking altogether.

Then, without turning to look at me, she said, “You need to let someone take care of you, Max. You try to be so strong all the fucking time, but I know you're not. I know you're not, and that'sokay. It'sokayto not be okay sometimes. Just let someone else take care of you for once.”

I sucked in a worthless breath. “Laura took care of me,” I muttered.

“Then let someone do it again,” Grace said with finality before hurrying toward the stairs, as if scared that, if she stayed, I'd get the last word.

“Who takes care of you?”I heard Melanie say, her voice carrying through my mind like a whisper in the wind.

I let her ask me that question on repeat as I pressed my forehead on Lido's warm, soft head, and one more time, before I succumbed to sleep, I allowed myself to cry.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Lido stayed with Sid and his kids while Grace and I headed down to the funeral home to meet up with Lucy.

We'd decided to take our separate vehicles after I told her I needed to stop at the office for a couple of things, assuming that, with the upcoming arrangements for Dad, I'd be out of work for another few days.

Lucy was already waiting by the time we arrived, chatting with the funeral director like she'd known him forever. When she saw us enter the old Victorian—a building that was easily a hundred fifty years old, if I had to guess—her face lit up with a wide smile.

“Oh, we were just talking about you,” she said, reaching out to loop her arm through mine, dragging me closer.

“Should I be scared?” I asked with a brusque laugh, my gaze meeting the funeral director's.

He smiled, extending a hand. “Not at all. We were just talking about your time in the Army.”

“Ah,” I grumbled, accepting the gesture warily.

“Thank you for your service, by the way,” he added.

I nodded in lieu of thanks, not wanting to linger on a past I seldom liked to talk about. Then, as I released his hand, I asked, “So, uh … how do we do this whole thing?”

He offered a curt nod, taking the hint with the precision of someone adept at reading the room. “Right. So, if you'll just follow me …”