Page 12 of Donut Disaster

Cookie sits tall in front of Pastor Gaines while barking up a storm.

Carlotta boot scoots her way over. “Tell that yappy puppy to hush on up. I can’t turn this thing off, you know.” She points to her ear and I can’t help but make a face.

“Oh yeah?” I lean in and whisper, “Well, I think you turned off your brain. What are you still doing with Harry? I thought you’d have your way with him, then kick him to the coital curb for another twenty-six years, the way you did the first time. You’re a creature of habit. Or did you forget?”

She gives a playful smirk as she glides back his way and brazenly picks up his hand, alerting me to the fact he’s not going anywhere this time if she can help it.

Good luck with that, Toots. That man is a serial philanderer. In fact, I think having affairs is his day job. That whole mayor of Honey Hollow is just a side gig with baked goods as benefits.

Pastor Gaines bellows out a blessing over the kitchen, something about sliced bread, grain-filled silos, and a never-ending supply of yeast.

Yeast?Really? As a baker, I can appreciate the finer qualities of the single celled-organism, but something about the provocation makes me uneasy.

He moves on to the great room and shouts a general benediction that starts with the remote control and ends with the loveseat. So weird.

Mom’s sage is smoking like a chimney and she coughs up a storm.

“Oh, we need to hurry. This is starting to burn my hand,” she cries.

We head to the den, then to the downstairs bathroom before moving this sorcery up a flight of stairs. Cookie leads the way, barking up at Pastor Gaines as if he were feeding him his lines.

Everett leans in. “What’s got Cookie so worked up?” His cologne hypnotizes me for a moment.

“I don’t know. I thought maybe he was high-strung or something.”

He inches back and glances to Noah. “Not at all. Something has him going.”

Mom rattles her smoking sage into each of the three bedrooms—embers and all, before getting to the master. She throws the door open and we’re all treated to a flesh feast that none of us can ever unsee.

“Oh my God.” My gut saysbury your face in Everett’s rock-hard chest, but not a cell in my body is willing to comply.

A brunette sits up and growls at us to leave, using a rainbow of salty words that would make any sailor proud.

Mom cringes as she seals the door shut. “It looks as if Meg and Hook have already taken care of the blessing for this room.”

Pastor Gaines nods with that eerie grin. “And may they go forth and be fruitful and multiply, yielding a crop of healthy children.”

Mom grimaces. “That was my youngest daughter and her boyfriend.”

He holds a finger in the air. “Perhaps a blessing reserved for some time in the future.”

Everett and I head downstairs and I follow Cookie straight into the living room, only to turn back and note there are only Alex and Noah following us.

“Where’s the rest of the party?” I crane my neck up past them in the event my mother is on fire and Pastor Gaines is praying a blessing over her smoking hot body.

Alex winces. “Your mother and the preacher ducked into a room.” He shrugs as if offering an apology on their behalf.

Noah scratches the back of his head. “And Carlotta and Mayor Nash dove into the room next to that.”

“What?” Leave it to Mother and Carlotta to try to outdo one another in the senior bop department.

This is one battle of the headboards I’m not interested in listening in on.

Alex’s phone goes off. “I’d better take this. It’s Jeremy.” He heads out the front door and it’s just Noah, Everett, and me.

Cookie barks my way as if demanding to be in on the roll call.

“Aww. What do you want, you handsome little beast?” I bend over and give his furry face a hug.