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DOT

What I appreciated most about my current situation with Kat and Dante was the tender care and support they offered me. Deep down, I wanted to be done with the drugs as much as they wanted me to be. I hated feeling trapped and controlled by the addiction. It was a monster I could never shed from my back, haunting me at all times of the day no matter what, and I had fallen prey to it. I always scratch that sick itch even when I didn’t need or want it, but my body craved it. I would feel like dying without it and my brain would be flooded with a darkness that ate away at my sanity until I finally gave in and soothed the beast. It was killing me, leaving me disgusted with who I had become. Especially after everything that happened the other night.

I couldn’t even think about that night without reliving the all too recent events and feeling that raw pain. It was beyond excruciating and overwhelming, haunting me with the images of the few things I did remember. They flashed behind my lids every time I closed my eyes. Taunting me with their gross recollection. The burden of that night, and knowing how much worry and pain I caused my devils, was too much. I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry myself from existence. I may not have remembered much from that night, but they did. And I made them tell me everything . Every single sick detail. Every harsh truth of what I did or didn’t do. I wanted to know everything. I needed to know just how much of a fucking fool I made of myself, and how I had not only embarrassed them, but hurt them.

Fuck, how could I be so stupid?!

I sat on my couch, thankful this was all happening at home. In my safe space. Kat made me promise when we got here that I would tell them where all of my stashes were, all the places I hid coke, even the mini stashes of pills I had tucked around the apartment. And I did.

Kat and Dante followed my every word and instruction and tore the apartment apart. They found and cleared out all the drugs, ensuring there were no more left. Not even an aspirin. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, and maybe subconsciously, that’s why I kept putting it off and making excuses. But I had to do it. For them.

Kat told Patty that I was getting clean and she was thrilled. I think she said her exact words were, “Thank fucking christ.” Apparently, Patty had been covering for me at Eden’s Inferno, but I was feeling guilty and I missed her. And oddly, I missed dancing.

I sipped the hot chamomile tea, wrapped in a faded quilt, when I heard the light footfalls of someone coming down the hallway behind me. Dante gently placed his hands on my shoulders. “How are you feeling, angel? Can I get you anything?” He rubbed my shoulders and gently massaged them, relieving the tension that had gradually built over the last few days. I closed my eyes and soaked in the attention, allowing, if only for just this moment, to not feel the heavy weight of sadness and regret that had taken over me since I stopped using.

“Honestly, Dante, I just want to feel happy again. How do you do it? How do you feel so alive and genuinely happy without using? It’s been so long since I felt it… I’m scared I’ll never feel happy again. Like it’s impossible.” That was honestly how I felt right now. Bubbles was gone. And I was just Dot. Fuck, Dot was gone too. Now, I was just Luanne… again. Boring, sad, weak, pathetic Luanne.

“Dottie, you will feel happy again, I promise you. You don’t need drugs for that. It may feel impossible and like it’ll never happen, but I promise it will. It just takes time. It’s only been a couple days. Give yourself a break. Hell, I think you’re doing amazing. Way better than I ever did.” He walked around the couch to face me. I knew I must have looked like a hot mess. My hair was ratty, and I hadn’t showered in days—I just didn’t have the energy. I didn’t feel pretty or worth his attention. I felt ugly and gross. Unworthy. Immediately, I looked away from him, refusing to look into his beautiful dark eyes… even if I knew he could see just how horribly fucked up I was. He sighed faintly and placed his hands on my thigh. “Hey. Look at me, angel. I know this isn’t going to be easy. I’ve been right where you are and felt it all myself. But you have me and you have Kat. And we won’t let you fail. We are going to support you every step of the way. No matter what, Dottie. Wings or no wings, you will always be our little angel.” He gently cupped my face and forced me to look up at him. Tears burned my eyes, seeing him look at me with such endearment and devotion. His deep brown eyes swirled like pools of chocolate I wanted to dive into. I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve either of them. They were too good for me. And I loved them more for it.

Wet warmth trailed down my cheeks to his hands. I didn’t expect to start crying, but then again, my emotions were all over the goddamn place. Dante swiped away my tears with his thumbs. He took my now cold tea from me and set it on the coffee table. “Come here, angel.” He moved to sit sideways on the couch, slouched, with his back against the armrest. “Lay here with me.” He patted his bare chest, and I obeyed, readjusting to snuggle between his legs, lying on his toned stomach. “Everything you’re feeling is normal, I promise. But don’t think you need to hide anything from me or from Kat. Trust me. We’ve seen it all, Kat more than me. She helped me get clean off this shit too.” His fingers gently stroked my messy hair. “We are kindred spirits, angel. All three of us. Never forget that.”

As I snuggled there with Dante, I couldn’t help but think about how badly I wanted to use. How my body shook and burned to feel the drug as it slithered through my blood and soothed my soul. It was miserable denying myself that toxic treat. But I knew it was wrong. I wanted a hit, and I felt guilty about it. I curled deeper into his chest, my brain spinning a million miles an hour, hyper focused on what I wanted and couldn’t have. As if convincing myself it was okay to use would solve everything.

Just one more would be okay, right? No, no! You don’t need it. You don’t need it.

My nails dug into his skin as I eventually fell asleep on Dante, crying, thinking about how great it would feel to be high one more time, followed by the immediate hatred and regret for even thinking such a thing.

Sleeping had become a foreign concept to me, invading me at the worst time and overtaking me when I didn’t want it. It was another cycle I needed to break… one day. But not today. Today, I just wanted this sweet moment with Dante to last forever.

Dante’s adorable light snores were something I wanted to capture and keep forever. They were soothing, but I was restless. And no matter how much I loved the sound, I couldn’t lay there anymore. As I carefully eased off the couch, I removed the blanket and covered him up with my quilt. He had settled in so well on the couch, looking comfortable and at home here in my space. It suited him. And I was ready for Kat to be in my space as well to see what this all looked like, the three of us together here, even if it was just a wild fantasy I was playing out in my head.

My apartment was large, thanks to my constant flow of tips at the club. There was more than enough space for the three of us here. Dante had already tidied everything during the first chunk of my detox. It almost felt weird having nothing to do, so as I wandered around to try and find something— anything to keep me busy, but I kept coming up short. My fingertips were tingling and my brain was aching—pulsating with each minute that passed. I felt hot and uncomfortable in my own skin. The overwhelming urge for a hit was coming in waves and those waves were crashing, harder and harder each time, closer to one another than the last. I felt such anxiety and dread refusing my bodily needs. I had to find something to do.

Busy yourself, Dot. Find something… anything!

Dante was still sleeping soundly on the couch, and I didn’t want to wake him with my problems. I felt guilty enough with him here babysitting me. I wanted to move as far away as possible to avoid making too much noise. Thankfully, my bedroom was in the back of the apartment and it was there that I found myself a task: organizing all of my lingerie. The bonus of being a dancer at a strip club, like Eden’s Inferno, is that I had a plethora of lingerie. So this task kept me busy as I forcefully removed every single piece and refolded and organized them by color and material. Once that was done, I had moved on to my personal vanity and started reorganizing my overwhelming amount of makeup, but that’s where I fucked up. So much of my coke had been hidden in compacts and old hollowed lipstick tubes. Opening those bags, seeing the missing pieces, was a harsh reminder of the shit I had gotten myself into, and how fucking hard all of this was. As I sat there, I couldn’t help but stare at my sparkly pink eyeshadows and shimmery glosses, remembering how great it felt to be high at Eden’s Inferno, performing for the crowds. How the lights flashed and strobed and the music beating in my bones guiding me through my dance. Everything was so euphoric.

The longer I sat there reminiscing, the angrier I got. I hated this person I had become, so obsessed with living in the highs and nearly ruining the best thing to ever happen to me.

You’re a fucking mess. Look at you! Look at what you’ve become, what you’ve done!

My hands squeezed the many makeup compacts in my grasp, my arms trembling as Juan’s voice entered my head and began to taunt me.

Look at what you’ve become. His laugh echoed in my brain . Bet you wish you would’ve stayed with me. I could have given you all the drugs you wanted, Luanne.

“Get out of my head!” I groaned. “Stop! Please, leave me alone!” I threw the handfuls of makeup at the wall, screaming. Glitter, sparkles, and dull pink shimmer floated everywhere like a cloud of cotton candy. “Fuck!” I cried. Tears streamed down my face as makeup settled around me, coating my skin. Before I knew it, Dante had appeared and immediately had me wrapped in his warm, strong arms.

“Shhh…it’s okay. You’re okay, angel.” His soothing words did anything but soothe me in that moment.

“No, I’m not. I’m not okay, Dante!” I snapped, my temper throwing him off. “I’m so fucked up. How did I let it get to this point? Why am I like this?!” My voice cracked. I was fighting more and more tears, all the negative emotions flooding my body, boiling to the surface. Dante just hugged me tighter. He didn’t say a word but refused to let me go. Somehow, knowing exactly what I needed, even when I had no clue myself.

“Thank you,” I breathed into him.