Page 6

GUILT AND PENNANCE

E MILY

Once I’m back in my apartment, I wish I hadn’t promised to go back upstairs in the morning. I don’t know how I can keep facing them when I’m the one who’s caused their misery. But I know I can’t stay away from them either. No matter how dangerous it is to be around them.

How long will it be until they figure that out and either turn me in, kill me, or worse, tell me to get lost? It has to say something about my mental state if I think being sent away is worse than death, but I don’t focus on that. I can’t, or I’ll have to admit how real my feelings for them are.

I go through the motions with my cam clients. I don’t really enjoy it like I used to. Transforming myself from Emily to Jasmin used to be fun, like playing dress up, or acting in a play. It’s just not the same now, and I’m not sure exactly why. This experience seems to be changing me—but which experience? If I’m honest with myself, I’ve felt off about everything since I started falling for the guys.

I can’t just disappear from my cam life, though. I need to keep my clients happy so that I can continue to use this as a cover for my other job. The job that’s never made me feel guilty before, and I don’t know how to deal with it.

It’s weird how much everything feels different since I agreed to commit to my guys. And none of it is because of them. The timing of it all is eerie, though. Is the universe trying to tell me I can’t be happy? I hope not, because I don’t want to give these guys up. I can’t.

After a fitful night’s sleep, I head to the coffee shop around the corner to grab breakfast. If I’m ever going to make it up to the guys, I have to start somewhere. Coffee and donuts sound like as good a place as any. With my arms loaded down with bags of pastries and a drink carrier, I head up to their apartment.

Jeremy answers after one knock, and I know they’ve had as little sleep as I have. “Was it bad?” I ask, handing over part of my haul.

He nods, letting me walk ahead of him into the kitchen. “Luke is having nightmares now. They started shortly after you left. Somehow, he got the idea that whoever killed his dad is coming after him next.”

“What? That’s ridiculous,” I say, stopping myself from finishing my thought. I would never take Luke out the way I did his father. I can’t tell them that, though. Admitting what I’ve done would ruin everything. “Why would anyone want to hurt Luke?”

“That’s what we’ve been trying to convince him—that no one is after him. Sadly, that doesn’t stop the nightmares,” Jeremy explains, pulling me into a hug after we set everything on the table.

“I just got him back to sleep,” Will says as he enters the room. “He’ll have to drink cold coffee later, because I’m not going back in there to wake him, and neither are you.” The forcefulness in Will’s voice makes my heart jump. I’m happy that they’re all so protective of each other. I guess growing up together will do that for people, though.

I hand each of them a cup, then pick up a bag of pastries with mine and head to the living room. They only ever eat dinner in the kitchen, so I know I’m not overstepping. Will and Jeremy follow me, taking seats beside me on the couch. While I enjoy their warmth, I also feel a little smothered because of everything going on inside my head right now.

We eat in silence, drinking our hot coffee between bites of sugary goodness. Part of me is dying to ask more about their families, to learn more about their fathers, but I’m too scared to ask. What used to be comfortable silence is filled with anticipation, and not in a good way. Jeremy and Will don’t seem to notice that I’m distracted at first.

“Em?” Exasperation is clear in his voice, and I’m certain it’s not the first time Will’s said my name. His hand waves in front of my face, and my cheeks turn red.

“I’m sorry, I guess I was daydreaming. What is it?” I shake myself to refocus.

“I asked if you were going to stick around today, or if you had to work,” Jeremy responds. Fuck. I hadn’t thought past breakfast.

“I have to work, but I can come back after if you want,” I offer. As much as I enjoy spending time with them, I’m paranoid that I’m somehow going to let it slip that I’m the one responsible for all of this. I can’t give myself that chance. I need to find a way to prevent that from happening.

“I’m sure there are rules and stuff about your job, but can you tell us anything about your clients? We’ve only seen your public show, so we’re curious about the private chats,” Will interjects.

“You’re right, I can’t tell you much, but,” I respond, pausing for dramatic effect, “I pretty much do whatever my clients ask me to. Within reason, and as long as they’re paying.”

Both men’s eyes go wide. I can see their imaginations going wild with crazy ideas about what I do for money. I expect to see judgement from them, but it doesn’t happen.

“That’s awesome. But you have control, right? No one can force you to do something you’re not comfortable with, can they?” Jeremy asks.

They scoot as close to me as possible and each of them takes one of my hands. I can feel their concern through our connection.

I smile, shaking my head. “No one can make me do anything. They ask, and I decide if I’m willing or not. Sometimes, it depends on what they’ll pay. Other times, it’s a simple yes or no. There are a few things I’ve done on cam that are not my favorite, but I was paid well, so I agreed. But all of it is consensual.”

I don’t want to get into details about my cam calls, so I try to change the subject. “Most of what I have to do today is for subscribers in the general channel, though. I don’t have too many private appointments.”

“That means we’ll get to watch,” Will says, high-fiving Jeremy in front of me. Fuck. I’m not prepared to perform knowing that they’re part of my audience. I knew that they’d seen my streams, but didn’t realize that meant they were subscribers.

“What? You guys subscribed? That’s crazy, especially after you figured out it’s me.” I try my best to sound convincing instead of intimidated.

“To be fair, we subbed before we knew it was you. But just because we know you, that doesn’t mean we can’t support you. Besides, the shows are hot.” Jeremy makes a good argument, but I’m still a little uncomfortable.

“I just meant you didn’t have to waste your money, that’s all.” I voice my concern without considering that they have the extra money to spend.

“Nothing to do with you is a waste of money,” Will replies. It’s a sweet sentiment, and I appreciate what he’s saying. I still feel awkward knowing that they’re watching streams. And paying for it, when they could be getting their own private shows for free.

“I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree, then.” I finish my donut and coffee, then settle back between them. I could stay until lunch, but I need to do some thinking and prepare for my stream. Luke is still sleeping when I stand up to leave.

“You’re coming back for lunch, right? Luke will be pissed at us for not waking him up if you don’t,” Jeremy says. It’s a guilt trip and he knows it. I can’t help feeling like I deserve it, though.

“Of course. I’ll be back around one. What do you want me to pick up for lunch?” I shouldn’t ask, but I can’t help it. I have to find a way to make this mess up to them.

“You’re not buying us lunch. You got breakfast, so one of us will take care of lunch,” Will insists. I can’t argue with his reasoning, so I agree. After we say goodbye, I race down to my apartment.

Once inside, I lock the door and slide down the wall next to it. I have no idea how long I sit there, staring into the apartment. From this vantage point, I feel like an outsider looking in on my life. I’m surprised that Will didn’t comment on my lack of furniture when he was here.

It’s not something I ever really needed before. But if this four-person relationship is gonna work, I’ll have to let them into my apartment sometimes. And that will require places to sit at least. It’s not like I can just have them over for sex all the time. At some point, they’ll want to hang out.

I don’t know why I’m so hesitant to fully commit to a relationship with them. Even if it’s unconventional, it makes us happy. That’s the important part. I mean, yeah, my secret life is a consideration. As long as I can maintain my own space, that shouldn’t be a problem. Daydreaming isn’t getting me anywhere, so I pick myself up and head to my cam room.

Instantly, a sense of calm washes over me. Being this close to my computer set up relaxes me and eases my mind. I reach out with my power and check my schedule. I have a stream and one call later. I’m experimenting with stream content, so I run through my song choices. After making my selection, I go over the moves I’ll make to the music, doing a practice run of the dance routine I plan to start with.

Having that taken care of, I walk to the closet and open it. I have to select an outfit and want something that will accentuate my performance while giving me something to take off slowly. Am I spending way more time on this than usual? Yes. Does that have anything to do with the three men I know will be watching? I’d rather not answer that question, thank you very much.

I hate to think that they’re changing me, but I know it’s true. Camming used to be something I didn’t put a lot of thought into. I just logged on and did what felt right, or what people asked for. Since my guys discovered my secret, I have to admit, I’ve been putting a little more time into planning things for the streams. My fans seem to appreciate it, and I’m getting bigger tips, so I guess it’s working out.

Settling on a cutout bodysuit with a lacy babydoll over top, I head to the bathroom to shower. While I’m under the steaming spray, I forget for a moment, everything that’s going wrong in my life. I think about Luke, Will, and Jeremy watching my live stream, and I get excited. Thinking about them makes me remember the other night, when we were all together.

I lather up my hands and run them over my body. A shiver runs up my spine, and I pause for a moment with my breasts in my hands. I can picture Jeremy and Will teasing my nipples while Luke lapped at my entrance. I roll my nipples between my fingers, then slide a hand down my stomach. My fingers stroke at my clit for a second before dipping inside me. I mimic the motions Luke made that night with his tongue, building myself up to my release.

When I come, I cry out their names. Maybe I should head upstairs a little early so there’s time for a quickie before lunch. Then I can be sure I won’t be late to the live stream. I push the thought away as soon as I have it. Sex isn’t what Luke needs right now.

I take my time washing up, then wash and condition my hair. Turning off the water, I grab a towel and dry myself before stepping out and wrapping it around me. I wrap my hair in an old t-shirt, then head back to my bedroom to get dressed. A quick check of the time tells me that I haven’t drawn everything out as much as I’d hoped.

I have nothing to do for a couple of hours. I could head back upstairs already, but I’m still worried that I’ll slip up and say the wrong thing. Or I’ll end up talking them into an orgy that Luke’s not really up for. Since I don’t want either of those things to happen, I decide that maybe a nap is the best option.

After setting an alarm, I drop the towel and t-shirt on the floor and climb into bed. I stare at the ceiling, expecting to struggle with everything weighing on my mind. Within minutes, I’m fast asleep, lost in dreams of my past mixed with my fears of the future.

Luke’s father merges with the man my father sold me to, and in my dreams, I’m the one who kills him. With my hand still in his chest, my father’s voice echoes around me. “Good job,” he says. “And to think, I tried to sell you because I thought you were worthless.”

I turn toward him and rip his heart out again. This time, I know exactly what I’m doing, and I don’t freak out after. Of course, I’m not that child anymore. As his body collapses, my father stabs me with a knife I didn’t see.

I wake with a start, clutching my stomach and expecting to see a blade sticking out of my gut. There’s nothing, though, and I scrub my hands over my face, wiping away tears I hadn’t realized were falling. I flop back on the bed, giving myself a minute to calm my racing heart. I stare at the ceiling as I focus on each thud in my chest, willing the rhythm to slow down.

Deep breath in, hold; out slow. It takes a few minutes, and I have to check my stomach again to make sure that I didn’t really get stabbed. Once my brain finally comprehends that it was a dream, my heart rate slows and I can finally think again. As worried as I am about my secret coming out, I’m more upset by the dream. I make a quick post about a sudden emergency I need to deal with and cancel my stream for today, sending a short message to my call client as well. I won’t be at my best after that nightmare.

I dress quickly and head upstairs. I’ll be early for lunch, but it won’t matter. The guys have never turned me away before, and I don’t expect them to do so now.

LUKE

When I hear the quiet knock at the door, somehow, I know it’s Emily. I’m not handling my father’s murder very well. I haven’t left my room all day. Will and Jer have been great about making sure I’m not alone, but it’s not their responsibility to take care of me.

I dash to the door, bumping Jer out of the way, and throwing it open to drag Em into my arms. She’s been crying, and I wonder if she’ll tell us why.

“Hey, you. How are you feeling today?” she asks with a small smile.

“Much better with you here. How about you?” I tip her head up so she has to look at me. I can tell she doesn’t want to answer, and I’m sure she knows I won’t push.

“Nightmares again; bad enough to cancel my stream today, but I’m okay. Nothing to worry about. I just need some company, and I wanted to check on you,” she whispers.

I don’t want to admit that I love the way she clings to me. I hate that she has nightmares, and even more that she doesn’t want to tell us what they’re about. Her parents died when she was younger, and I’m sure that has something to do with it. More than anything, I want to chase the monsters that haunt her away.

I scoop her up and dash back to the couch, dropping onto the soft cushions with her on my lap. Jer grumbles as he shuts the door and follows us. I chuckle when he flops onto the chair across from us.

“Well, you took care of me yesterday when I needed you. So, today it’s my turn. What can I do to make you feel better?”

Something akin to guilt crosses Em’s features, and I would swear that my kitten was keeping secrets. But what could she possibly have to hide from us? Besides her cam girl persona, that is. Since we already know about that, I’m guessing this is something else. If it’s important, she’ll tell us.

EMILY

Luke’s desire to care for me is touching. It definitely makes my guilt flare, though, and I can see in his eyes that he’s noticed something. All I can do is hope he doesn’t ask. “You really don’t have to do that. Let me take care of you. This week has been tough, and you deserve a break.”

He shakes his head and hugs me tighter. I look to Jeremy for assistance, but he’s frowning at his phone and not paying any attention to us. I wiggle a bit, acting like I’m trying to get away from Luke. I know I can’t, and I don’t want to anyway. I’m certain he knows it, but he plays along.

“Where’s Will?” I ask, realizing that he’s not here.

“His dad called and he had to go home for a while. Dave is freaked out about what happened to my dad. He thinks that Will being here will put a target on his back next. As if it’s all connected to me somehow,” Luke says quietly. I’ve hit a nerve without meaning to.

“I’m sure that’s not true, even if it’s what his dad thinks.” My reassurance does nothing to change Luke’s expression.

“We’ve all told him that; but he doesn’t want to believe us,” Jeremy chimes in. It seems as if he was paying attention to our conversation after all.

“Look, I know it’s paranoid. What if it’s true? What if I’m putting all of you in danger because some rogue vampire hunter is out there targeting us?” Luke’s forehead glistens with sweat and he starts to shake.

“What makes you think it’s a vampire hunter? The other guy who was killed wasn’t a vamp, was he? It seems to me like there’s more of a chance that it was some kind of business they were both involved in than a racial thing.” I almost slip up and tell him exactly why his father and the other guy were killed, but I stop myself.

WILL

Being summoned by my father is not my idea of a good time. I walk into his office, nodding at his secretary as I pass her desk. I try not to notice her short skirt or the amount of cleavage showing from her low-cut top. It’s no wonder Mom thinks he’s cheating.

“What’s this all about?” I snap when the door closes behind me. He jumps at my voice, and I notice that he’s taking care to keep his phone covered. That’s weird, but I have no idea why.

“Will, I’m glad you came,” my father answers, setting his phone face down on the desk.

“I didn’t have much choice. You made that pretty clear. What is going on? You call me and claim I’m being threatened because I live with Luke. That’s ridiculous.” I don’t want to have this argument again, but I will not let my father bully me into moving home. I like my apartment and my roommates.

“You need to come home, son. It’s not safe living with those boys. Your mother is worried about you. If I’m honest, I am too.”

I shake my head and close my eyes. “No.”

“What do you mean, ‘no.’ You will pack your things and come home today. Or I will cut off your access to the family money. Do I make myself clear?” A vein in Dave Jeffries’ neck pulses. I’m pissing him off, and I don’t care.

“ Crystal . But I’m not doing it. I have my own bank account, and I make my own money. I don’t even spend yours anymore. So, no, Father , I will not move home because you demanded it. Is there anything else you needed to waste my time with? I have a friend who’s just suffered a tragic loss and needs me.” I hope that Luke is feeling better today. He was still locked in his room when I left, and I haven’t gotten to talk to him yet. Other than comforting him while he struggled with his nightmares last night.

“You can’t be serious,” he scoffs.

“I can assure you, sir, that I am serious. Cut me off. Disown me. I don’t care . I’m not your puppet, and I won’t be jerked around by you anymore. I’m a grown man, and I have my own life to live. If you don’t like it, you can fuck off ,” I growl. It’s not smart, and I know it. My father has a temper, and it has a very short fuse.

He’s around the desk with his hand on my throat before I can move. “I gave you everything, and this is how you talk to me? I should snap your neck right now, you disrespectful little shit.”

For a second, I think he’s going to do it. But he hesitates, and that’s all the opening I need. I punch him in the gut, then the jaw, and he releases me. Coughing and sputtering, I draw in a few ragged breaths. I back up to the door, putting space between us.

“I might be a disrespectful little shit, but at least I’m not abusive. This is the last time you’ll ever put your hands on me. If you try again, I will kill you. Do you understand me, old man?” I lock eyes with him and for a moment, I think he might be scared. It’s hard to tell, because he’s a shapeshifter like me. We have an easy time bluffing, because we can change our eyes at will.

“You don’t know what you’re doing. Come home now and I’ll forgive this transgression,” he offers. I shake my head and laugh at him.

“Why do you want me home so badly? You’ll never be able to control me the way you do Mom. You might as well forget it, because I’m never coming back now,” I say, jerking the door open and storming out.

EMILY

The door slams and I turn to see Will storming into the apartment. I stand up and walk toward him. “Are you okay? Luke said your dad called and you had to go meet him.”

Will shakes his head but lets me pull him into my arms. He’s so upset that he’s shaking. Once he’s in my arms, he hugs me so tight that it’s hard to breathe. I won’t complain, though. He needs me, and I’ll do whatever I can to make him feel better.

Luke and Jeremy walk over and wrap their arms around us. The group hug is nice, even if I’m being squished. “What did he say this time?” Jeremy asks.

“The usual. I need to move home. This time he told me that he’s cutting me off.” Will coughs a little, and I notice the purple marks on his neck.

“Did he do this to you?” I ask, my eyes going wide. Rage boils through me, and I desperately want to be the one to handle his father.

Will blushes and dips his head. “It’s okay, really. I punched him a couple of times, and he knows now that he’ll never touch me again. Or else.”

“Damn straight,” I mutter. I find myself wishing that Will’s dad had been my target instead of Luke’s.

“I’m sorry that your dad treated you that way,” Luke says. “It was because of what happened to my dad, wasn’t it?”

“Don’t worry about it, Luke. I took care of it. I’m not going anywhere, and he understands that now.” Will hugs Luke, looking at me over his shoulder. It’s touching how close these guys are, and I’m thrilled to be part of it.

Even as I have the thought, I know that this drama is my fault. If I hadn’t accepted the contract and killed Luke’s father…no, that’s not fair. He would have been taken out anyway, even if it had been someone else who did it.

I’ve worked most of my life to rid the world of these horrible men. I can’t let myself second guess that now. I have to keep researching the trafficking ring and find out who’s in charge. If I can take him or her out, I might be able to stop them all. I have to stay focused on the mission and stop letting guilt tear me apart.

“I’ll get lunch started,” Jeremy offers, heading to the kitchen. A few minutes later, we’re all settled on the couch with plates full of sandwiches and pasta salad.

Will turns on a movie, and we eat in silence. For the first time in days, it actually feels comfortable instead of awkward.