Page 35 of Desired for Her Blood

“By the time I reached my late teens,” I continue, “the Captain stopped using his venom before he fucked me.”

Her body tenses as she draws an audible breath.

“Instead,” I continue, “the fucker would pin me down or tie me up. He loved it when I’d fight against him, how frustrated and angry I’d get that I couldn’t stop him, even though I was bigger, more muscular than he was.”

She shudders, drawing a ragged breath through her nose, as if her imagination has filled in the details I left out. And I hate that my memories are staining hers now. But at the same time I feel like her knowing these things means I’ve become part of her.

“In spite of my superior size, it was easy for him to overpower me. He threatened to slit my throat, if I told anyone. Not that I considered it. I was so ashamed. I thought if I kept getting stronger, if I fought against him harder…” I shake my head. “I had no fucking clue he was a vampire. That I didn’t have a chance.”

“I’m so sorry.” Her voice breaks.

“And it turns out, all the senior officers were vampires. And…” I draw a shuddered breath “…most of them had been…let’s say taking turns with me ever since I came aboard.”

“Oh, no…” Her body tightens and she rubs her head against my chest, her soft hair a balm for my pain, an encouragement to continue.

“I hated myself.” My voice cracks. “Hated how they made me feel so…”

“Used.”

“Yes and…” I shake my head, hoping I can hide from her what I actually meant, but I can’t stop myself. “Thing is, by the time the captain stopped using venom on me, I was in my late teens, a fully grown man and…”

I shake my head. “Let’s just say I’d done my fair share of fucking while we were in ports. I understood sexual pleasure, and Ihatedhow these men could…” Shame flows inside me. Shame I thought I’d shed years ago.

“It wasn’t that they were men, per se, it was that they were taking me by force and...”

Her hand strokes my cheek softly, and I close my eyes.

“When they fucked me, when they raped me, I’d get hard. They’d make me come and then laugh about it. And I’d get angry…”

“Of course you would.”

“So fucking angry. A few times I took it out on the poor wenches I’d meet while on shore.” Now she’ll hate me forever.

“You were a victim of abuse,” she says softly. “You’d beenraped. Repeatedly. Things that you did back then…you were acting out of your trauma.”

“That’s no excuse.” I look away.

“But it’s areason,” she says firmly. “You didn’t act in a vacuum. Cruelty didn’t come out of nowhere. You were in pain.”

I draw in a shuddering breath absorbing her understanding and kindness. It’s been centuries since I’ve even let myself think about this part of my past, about how hard I fucked some of those barmaids, and I’ve certainly never confessed it to anyone.

Even when I was with Octavia, wholovedit when I hurt her, I didn’t even let myself think about why it came so easily for me to hurt her.

“And when you were twenty, he turned you?” she asks.

I nod. “But there’s more before that.”

“Tell me,” she says softly. “If you want.”

I should have kept my mouth shut. Because as difficult as it’s been to revisit these memories, what came after was worse.

“When I was around eighteen or nineteen, I decided I’d had enough.” My stomach contracts and twists. What they did to me when I tried to leave the ship. The pain, the humiliation I suffered.

“I talked to some of the other crew. The ones I thought I could trust.”

She nods against me.

“Together, we planned a mutiny. At that point, I still didn’t understand that the captain and officers were vampires. Just that they were sadistic assholes who could easily overpower me.