Page 4 of Desire and Discipline

Joseph

Guilt dogged Joseph’s conscience all day, to the point where he was nearly unable to return home to face his wife once he’d left the house.

He spent the morning at White’s, the afternoon at Gentleman Jack’s trying to work off some of his emotions through boxing, and finally snuck back in through the rear entrance of the house, hoping not to be spotted.

As the household should be busy with supper, he thought he had a chance.

It almost worked.

“Joseph? What are you doing back here? Everyone is in the dining room.” Diana, his father’s nurse, frowned as she came down the servants’ stairs he was going up.

The informal greeting was one he’d become used to.

Diana had been instrumental in nursing his father back to health and taking down the traitor who had injured him.

During the investigations, permission to use each other’s Christian names had been given by all parties involved.

There was no point in standing on ceremony while hunting a traitor.

The casual demeanor had continued beyond the investigation, and now Diana was as much a friend as she was an employee.

“Ah… I came in the back way,” he said, waving his hand over his shoulder. Which was a kind of explanation, though a very incomplete one.

“I see.” There was something in the way she looked at him that made him feel like a naughty child, which was ridiculous because she was only a few years older than him.

“How is my father doing today?” Asking after the Marquis always distracted Diana.

If Joseph did not know any better, he would have thought there was something growing between them beyond the bounds of her profession, but that was ridiculous.

Diana was a nurse, after all, regardless of any informalities, and his father had never taken a mistress that Joseph knew of.

He’d remained faithful to the memory of his marchioness all these long years.

“Very well. We took a walk around the garden, and I do not believe he needs his cane as much as he currently relies on it. He has been moving very well lately.” Diana pressed her lips together, not sounding as happy as she might have.

“I believe he will soon have no need of my services, though I am going to mention hiring another valet for him to assist with his daily activities. I am sure he will resist the suggestion, so I wanted to let you and your brothers know so you might lend weight to it.”

“Of course, whatever you say, Elijah, Adam, and I will all back you, and so will the others” Tendre for his father or not, Diana was extremely competent in what she did.

She was also very good at managing his father, but she was correct in thinking that he would resist additional help.

That his father allowed her to assist him as much as she did was a minor miracle and likely due to the fact she was even more stubborn than Evie.

“Thank you, Joseph.” Her smile was much more genuine now.

“No, thank you.” He smiled broadly back at her and quickly picked up his pace to move beyond her before she could question him further, which was a smart decision. He heard the pause behind him before she continued down the stairs, as if she’d been contemplating calling after him.

Would she tell the others she’d seen him sneaking in the back way?

He hoped not. If she did, he would have to come up with some excuse. Perhaps just that he did not want to interrupt their meal when he was leaving again immediately.

Thankfully, he did not meet anyone else as he quickly ran up the stairs to his room. He changed into suitable attire for the evening as fast as he could, then went back down the back staircase. This time, there was no one on it. As he darted out the back door, he breathed a sigh of relief.

There was enough time to find his own supper at the club before he made his way to Hartford House.

He would need to be sneaky there as well.

He knew his family did not approve of his matter of handling things, but they were not him.

It was all well and good for Elijah to preach about honesty with his wife when he could not keep his own wife honest and under control.

Joseph had almost been trapped into marriage with Josie, and the idea made him shudder.

He adored her, as she was almost like a sister to him, but the idea of being married to her was enough to give him hives.

She constantly led Elijah on a merry chase, both verbally and physically.

She also submitted to him, as a proper wife should, when it was time.

That was the opposite of Joseph’s cravings.

Though he found acceptance within the Society, he was still a man with desires more properly attributed to a woman.

There were those in the Society who preferred to live as the gender opposite to what they’d been born to, but that was not him, either.

He was a man, enjoyed being a man, but… he liked to be spanked by a woman.

He liked it when a woman had sexual power over him.

Priscilla did have the latter, in some measure, but if she knew about the former, she would never look at him the same way again. He would not be her stalwart husband, her protector. It would change the very nature of the roles in their marriage.

Which was why such activities were better kept outside of it.

Something that none of his family could understand because, even in their perversions, they kept to their prescribed roles.

Hopefully, he would be able to avoid them all this evening.

They were supposed to hold to the code of the Society, which was not to speak of such things to outsiders.

The liaisons conducted within the Society were utterly secret.

But Joseph did not think Evie had made an idle threat.

Likely only his absence since he’d been caught with Lady Cross had kept her or one of the others from speaking to Priscilla.

That was why, after supper, he idled on the corner where Hartford House was located, waiting until quite a few carriages had arrived before slipping in with a larger group who entered at the same time. No one paid him a bit of attention, and some of his tension eased as he walked through the rooms.

He had not seen any of his family members arrive, which helped.

With any luck, he would be able to find either Lady Cross or another lady willing to fulfill his needs and be gone before they appeared.

Perhaps he should consider a man as well.

He supposed it did not need to be a lady helping him purge the guilt and dark cravings that dogged his body, even though he did find it far more satisfying to have a lady do the deed.

He was in rather desperate straits at the moment, and Lady Cross was nowhere to be seen. Neither were any of the other ladies known to indulge gentlemen such as himself.

Waiting in the shadows for a quarter of an hour, he’d nearly given up on waiting any longer and was about to approach Lord Morton when he spotted Lady Cross coming down the hall. Removing her gloves from her hands, she’d obviously just walked in.

Letting out a sigh of relief, Joseph hurried down the hall to meet her.

“Lady Cross,” he said, giving her a respectful bow as soon as he was within reach of her. Older than him, she was a stately woman, a widow who had no interest in ever marrying again, but who thoroughly enjoyed disciplining men who desired it. She raised her eyebrows at him.

“Joseph.” There was an odd quality to her voice, almost as though she’d turned his name into a question.

“Are you free this evening?” he asked, doing his best to hold still rather than bouncing on the balls of his feet the way he wanted to as his anxiety took hold.

He felt jittery, the guilt warring with nerves, and the urge to hide was growing stronger.

The sooner they could be behind a closed door somewhere, the better.

This was far too out in the open, where Rex or Elijah or anyone might walk by and see them.

“I am. Are you?” She raised an eyebrow at him. When Evie and the others had caught him with her previously, she’d been greatly displeased by the interruption and with him.

“I am,” he said firmly. The details were his own business. “Though we should lock the door this time.”

Her lips pursed, and she looked him up and down, crossing her arms over her chest, as though she was thinking.

“You have been a very naughty boy, and I am going to punish you very harshly if you go with me,” she warned him.

There was a sternness to her that had not been there before.

Every fiber of his being ached at the words because that was exactly what he wanted.

More, it was what he now deserved. He needed the harsh punishment more than ever, needed the pain to wash away the guilt that plagued him.

He was not sure if he was imagining the judgmental glint in her eye.

It was hardly unusual for a husband and wife to seek separate desires at the Society for Sin or for only one individual to be part of the Society.

That was why it had been created—to cater to those who could not have their needs fulfilled elsewhere.

There was not supposed to be any judgment, but… Lady Cross had seen Evie, Josie, and the others and how upset they’d been at Joseph for being there with her. It might influence how she felt about him.

Though, apparently, it would not keep her from helping him. Possibly because she knew how much he needed it, and he was grateful for that.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said.

He’d explained to her that he could not call her ‘my Lady’ because that was what he called his wife as an intimate endearment, and she had accepted the explanation. Lady Cross was unbothered by her title when it came to such matters.

Pursing her lips, she looked him up and down again, as if wondering whether it was a good idea.

He clenched his hands into fists. Perhaps it was not, but it was what he needed, and he was becoming desperate to have those needs fulfilled.

He did not know that he would be able to think of anything else until he did.

“Very well. Follow me.” Crooking her finger, she swept past him, going deeper into the house. Joseph followed obediently behind.