Page 34 of Desiderium (Devil Dogs of the Apocalypse #2)

She’d told us when we first met, after being alone for so long last year, about how the darkness got to her.

About how she once thought about ending it all.

About how everything was so futile, so worthless, so inconsequential, she was mere seconds away from forfeiting her life.

I can’t have her sinking back into her depression, again.

Not now. Not ever if I have anything to say about it.

I’m the only darkness she’s allowed to surround herself with.

I shake my head. “No, baby.”

“We’re just like them.” Her brows furrow and her lower lip trembles as she points to the mangled bodies on the ground. “What’s the fucking difference? What’s the point?!” she continues, driving herself deeper into that hole of despair.

“No, baby. No. The point is us. We’re what’s different. We feel…. Love. Pain. All of it. But them? They feel nothing. Nothing. Listen to me, we are not the same.”

Tears begin to flow freely as her vision goes distant.

I place my hands on her cheeks once again, looking right into her eyes, straining to capture her attention.

“We are not the same. We’re going to be ok.

Cole is going to be alright. And we’re going to get those fucking supplies and get back to him so you can see for yourself.

” She doesn’t reply, continuing to stare blankly at me, lost in her state of grief.

“We can do this, baby. You can do this. Don’t shut down.

Don’t let yourself fall back into that dark space. ”

Her vacant expression never falters. It’s as if she doesn’t hear me at all.

Even as I’m practically screaming in her ears to stay strong, she’s deaf to my pleas.

Her expanding pupils taking over her glistening eyes are all the proof I need to see that I’m losing her.

That she thinks it’s too much for her to handle.

That she’s giving up. Just as she almost did before. ...

Fuck that.

Not on my watch .

My hands grip her shoulders like a vice as I press my forehead directly against hers, filling her vision completely.

There’s no looking away. No cowering. No hiding.

No more fucking dark spaces to slink into when the darkest fucking thing she can imagine has become the very entity laying siege to her dimming gaze.

I’ll hold her waning soul hostage if I need to, tethering her to this very existence.

If she needs to cling to darkness, I’ll be the one to surround her.

I’ll always do anything and everything to keep her safe. To keep her alive. To keep her living . If I can’t break her out from this downward spiral by being compassionate, I’ll do it by breaking her heart.

“Remember you talked about it that one night, back at the estate? You said we made you feel alive—Cole, Hawk and me. Was that all fucking bullshit? You’re just giving up now, is that it?

Am I not standing here in front of you, giving you everything I have?

Do I no longer bring that spark to your heart, energizing your very soul?

Do the others? Are you just going to say fuck it and leave us all to our misery?

Hate to break it to you, baby, but that’s not how this works.

You go and I’ll follow right behind you.

” I pull out my pistol, making sure she sees it in my hand.

“You want to do this now? Is that something you want? Let’s go. ”

She gasps, jerking her head back, her eyes widening at my implication as she sways a little. “No, Jax. No! I don’t... But—"

There’s my girl....

Quickly reholstering my weapon, I place my hands back on her arms to steady her.

“But nothing,” I growl, forcing my strength into her.

Even when she thinks she has none, she’s more powerful than she gives herself credit for.

“We brought you to life and you gave us life in return. You gave us purpose. All of us. Don’t you dare leave us for the darkness.

Don’t do this. You come back to me. Right now. ”

“Jax....” Her breath catches on my name as she looks away.

She says it so softly I’m not even sure I heard her.

“I can’t do this. Please.... It hurts. I can’t.

.. Please... Help me.” She lifts her gaze back to me, unshed tears filling her eyes with anguish, concealing the depths of them from mine.

Rocking from side to side, her arms coil around her chest, tightening with every exhaled breath. “Take it away...”

“What can I do, baby? Tell me and I’ll do it.”

“It hurts... I can’t... I feel chained down and heavy. It’s pressing in on me from all sides, suffocating me.” Her breath stutters while her body starts to shake in my grasp. “I need to feel weightless. I need oblivion. Please...,” she cries.

I look away, second guessing myself for a second.

That almost sounds like she’s asking for.

... Fuck. I shouldn’t be thinking about that right now.

That should be the last thing on my mind with everything else going on.

But as I look back into her eyes, I see it.

The ache. The need. The same look was there when she had her last panic attack.

She said she felt like she was dying. The uncertainty.

The lack of control. The pain of it all.

She needed us to take it away then, and just like the many times before that, we showed her the stars.

Her arms tighten, compressing her chest even more. I can see she wants the weightlessness that ropes can provide, but I can’t rig her up like Cole used to on the side of the road.

Oblivion, however, I can do that.

She sees the understanding in my eyes and gasps in relief as I wrap my hands around the backs of her thighs, lifting her up in my arms and flinging open the car’s rear door and shutting it behind us.

Her body molds to mine as we fall onto the seat, the weight of everything crashing down upon us as I take her lips with mine.

It’s frantic and overwhelming. There’s no time to think as we claw at each other. Pushing, pressing, pulling, needing.

Her panties don’t stand a chance as I reach for them, gripping and shredding the material in half, letting the flayed piece of cotton fall to the floor.

“Fuck,” she moans.

“That’s right, baby.”

My one hand drifts back up to massage her breast as I press two fingers of the other between us, working her clit into a frenzy.

The steady pressure has her throwing her head back against the seat cushion, arching her neck and chest right into my face.

She still has her sports bra on and even though I’d gladly rip that offending piece of fabric off her beautiful body, I hold back, lifting it up, instead, to reveal her breasts.

Unable to help myself, I take one in my mouth, rolling the peaked flesh of her nipple with my tongue. She lets out a moan in response, grabbing the back of my head to keep me from pulling off of her and forcing me to give her more pleasure .

Yes, ma’am.

My fingers return to her core to find her absolutely soaking wet. So much so that my boxer briefs are now damp with her arousal.

“Fuck, baby, you ready? You want me?”

Aly lifts her head, her eyebrows furrowed with unwavering intensity, her jaw clenched with agonizing rage and sorrow as she nods.

“Yes.” The words, barely there but spoken nonetheless.

She’s coming down from her panic attack, but we’ve been here before—I know she needs more.

And while I can’t wrap her up in intricate rope ties like Cole has, I can still give her the release she needs.

I grab my dick, notching it at her entrance but not needing to do anything else as she lifts her hips and drives down, sheathing my cock in one fell swoop.

“ Fuuuuck....” The sudden movement catches me off guard but feels so good, jolting my hips into action as I piston them against her in return.

It’s fast. Hard. Punishing. But even with its brutality, we refuse to look away from one another.

Fucking our collective pain away while finding solace in each other’s souls.

Healing each other through the intimate act.

After a few minutes, we come together. Our chests heaving and skin covered in sweat as we drift together on a sea of weightlessness. I know this doesn’t help our predicament in the long run, but hopefully, it resets Aly. Gives her a moment of peace in the storm we’re weathering.

“Come back to me, baby.” My thumb caresses her cheekbone, bringing her attention back to me, her clear eyes focusing on mine once again. She also seems to be breathing more steadily and her shaking has ebbed.

“That’s it. That’s our girl. Come back to us. Come back for Cole. He needs you right now and we need to get back to him.”

“Ok.” She purses her lips, releasing a heavy breath but nods determinedly.

“Ok?”

“Yeah…. Yeah. Let’s go.” Taking another deep breath, she continues, the fire returning to her eyes as she sets herself to the task. “Let’s get this shit over with.”

I sigh, relieved she’s returned to her determined state, letting her mind focus rather than letting it drift away into darkness. “Good girl.” I kiss her on the forehead, grounding not only her but myself to the present as I whisper, “I love you… Always.”

“To the moon and back.”

We kiss each other one more time before separating, and, without worrying about getting dressed, take our seats in the front of the station wagon once again.

A short while later, the abandoned supply truck comes into view.

We find our clothes in the mix and get dressed, then load up what we can.

The station wagon is significantly smaller compared to the heavy-duty truck bed but we’re able to get about half our gear stowed in the hatchback.

It’ll have to be good enough. We can always come back through and pick up the rest later on.

But for now, we need to get back and see how Cole’s doing.