Page 18 of Desiderium (Devil Dogs of the Apocalypse #2)

Aly

We’ve been at it for about an hour now and, so far, have absolutely nothing to show for it.

Hawk and Cole are over in the far corner where the kitchen and pantry used to be while Jax and myself are situated in the space formerly known as the living room area.

Or maybe it’s more like the front porch? I have no idea anymore.

The only thing I do know is I’m not thinking about all the decaying limbs and various other disgusting things I’m currently trampling over. Let’s face it, they all deserved what they got, but I don’t want to think about their ooey gooey leftovers lining my shoes for the next month.

Bending my knees, I lift, what I can only assume, is a shelf.

.. or a piece from the stairs. Maybe the fireplace mantle?

Either way it’s heavy as fuck. It doesn’t help that half of the thick wooden beam is covered with smaller bits of wood, insulation, and whatever else people use to build houses these days.

Not to mention dirt. Lots of fucking dirt.

It’s absolutely everywhere.

On the ground .

In the air.

...In my fucking underwear.

Ugh... that’s gonna chafe.

Sifting through the rubble is absolutely awful and exhausting.

It’s definitely not easy when you consider the conditions we’re working in.

Not only is everything either demolished or incinerated, it’s also completely waterlogged.

Anything I’ve found that’s surprisingly intact after all these months is still unsalvageable.

The overall feeling of digging through what remains is somber, understandably. The loss. The defeat. It’s almost unbearable when you think about it, let alone confront it head on. But even on the darkest day, a light can shine through the clouds.

The safe that was situated right next to the front doors is still intact, blackened from the explosion and noticeably damaged, but it’s there, standing in one piece.

Luckily, the locking mechanism wasn’t damaged and, with a loud creak breaking the silence around us, Jax is able to open it.

As he looks inside, however, there’s a noticeable change in his demeanor.

The strong, indestructible force I’ve come to know as Jax, diminishes slightly at what he sees.

Letting go of the beam, I turn to see if the others noticed Jax’s decline, but Cole and Hawk, oblivious to the change, continue digging around in their areas, focused on their tasks while keeping a look out. Unable to do the same, I abandon my area and go to Jax.

His hands cling to the top of the safe, white-knuckled and tense, while his head hangs limply to his chest. It’s almost as if he’s forcing his strained arms to hold himself up but is losing the energy to do so; the weight of whatever he’s found crushing his soul.

A shudder crawls through his limbs just as I hear a sharp exhale filled with grief leave his lungs.

Surely, this isn’t his reaction to seeing that his arsenal survived. I mean, his weapons collection was pretty impressive but it wasn’t something to bring a man almost to his knees. No… it must be something else.

I step to his side, curiously waiting in silence for what might have endured these past months and events. He reaches in and with shaky hands retrieves a bundle of photos wrapped in a green band. He catches me trying to look beyond his large frame and turns towards me, holding the package up.

“These, um…, I didn’t think I’d ever see these again.

” With a gentle touch, he runs his calloused fingers over the glossy pages, lost in his memories as he does so.

He shakes his head and exhales but it’s more in relief than sorrow.

“There are pictures in here that… Some of the people in these photos… they’re…

they’re not around anymore. This is all I have left of them.

” He breathes in deeply and holds it for a few seconds before releasing, all the while looking at the lake in the distance.

I can see he’s doing everything he can to reign in his emotions and not let them overwhelm him, but sometimes, the dam just needs to break.

I push the photos between us, right up against where his heart is, where they’ll be safest. “Then let’s keep them alive in here.” He nods, sniffling a little before pulling me in closer, enveloping me in his arms .

What do you say to comfort a person who’s surrounded by his old life that’s now nothing but …

well nothing . The precious little bits he and the others might be able to forage from the wreck are all that’s left of a life that was stolen from them.

I think back to the events that led up to that day, to him making the decision to give it all up, and can’t help but feel a little guilty.

They came that day, Earl’s brother and his crew, seeking vengeance for what Jax did to Earl and his camp in order to rescue me.

The absolute carnage that he left in his wake, all to get to me : the girl that just so happened to stumble into their town and pass out from dehydration while Cole and Hawk were, coincidentally, stalking me.

If it wasn’t for my being here in the first place, they might still have their home. Their life. I can’t help but feel like this is all my fault.

“I’m so sorry, Jax.... I’m so sorry .” The words heave out of me, as if they’ve sprouted wings and taken flight on their own whims, desperate to bridge this gap of grief between us.

Jax must notice my inner turmoil is more than just empathetic and lifts my chin with his gentle fingers, forcing me to look into his eyes.

I try but can’t keep my tears from welling up as my thoughts continue to run rampant through my head.

Looking into his eyes makes it even more difficult to hold them at bay and a few escape the confines of my lashes.

He shakes his head as he catches them with his thumb before lifting it to his lips, kissing away my tears and stealing my heart all over again.

It’s like he can read my mind when he says, “No, baby. No. ”

He puts the pictures into the side pocket on his tactical pants before grasping my face between his strong hands.

“Look at me. I wouldn’t change a thing except for to kick my own ass into gear faster and to stop fighting my feelings for you every step of the way.

” He lifts his hand and pats his pocket.

“I’m beyond happy these survived. I will cherish them as long as I’m able.

But that…” He lifts his hands to the rest of the rubble.

“All this stuff? It’s just stuff, baby. Even if I didn’t have these photos anymore, you’re right.

I have and will continue to keep their memory alive in me.

I’ll remember them. I’ll honor them… I’ll fucking miss them.

But pictures are just pictures. And stuff is just stuff.

It’s all nice and good. But, in the end, it’s still just stuff.

Not necessary. But you know what is?” He looks deeper into my eyes, peering into my soul, making a connection I feel down to my bones.

“You. You are my life. And Cole’s life. And Hawk’s life.

We can live without all of this, but you?

We wouldn’t be able to live without you. ”

He draws me in, kissing me softly before whispering, “We were only surviving before we met you. You taught us how to live again.”

I gasp at his words. It’s exactly how I feel about them.

I press my lips back to his, holding on tight and pulling him to me but I can’t seem to get close enough.

I want to crawl inside and dive deep. I want to surround myself with his strength and passion until we’re no longer two people but one powerful entity.

Soft kisses become urgent and bruising. But before I can take it further like I want to, Jax pulls away, stopping us in our tracks. “Later, baby. We’re too exposed out here. I want to, I really do. And I know Hawk and Cole are on watch right now but we need to—”

Suddenly, a bullet whizzes past our location.

Jax turns and immediately readies his gun while simultaneously looking around for the shooter.

He nods at something behind me so I turn as well, only to see Hawk and realize he was the one that shot his gun.

He still has his silencer on which is why the gunshot was muffled, but what’s he shooting at?

He catches my gaze, weapon still drawn and at the ready, and indicates with his eyes to what’s behind me before mouthing the words we gotta go ….

Unable to stop myself, I turn back around slowly. When I see what he was shooting at, I immediately want to run but force myself to keep still. It’s an unwritten rule: Unless absolutely necessary, you don’t want to draw any attention to yourself. Running will definitely do that.

On the other side of the safe, about ten feet away crumbled on the ground, is the mutilated body of an infected corpse.

The bullet to the head took him out quickly, quietly and efficiently.

But that’s not what has me wanting to flee the house of a hundred corpses.

Out of the tree-line at the front of the property, dead men creep towards us… .

It’s a horde….

Dozens... if not hundreds of them....

I look over to the truck we just filled, hoping we could all make a run for it, but no… there’s no way. They’re within twenty feet of us now and closing. We’re nowhere near close enough to reach the truck before they get to us. In fa ct, we’d have to go through some of them in order to get to it.

And just our luck, they’ve spotted us.

Fuck….

Jax is right next to me. Shoulder to shoulder.

He doesn’t look at me when he speaks, keeping his weapon aimed at the zombies as they slowly stalk closer and closer.

“Get to the lake,” he whispers. “They can’t swim.

Get to the lake. The guys will follow you.

I’ll pull up the rear and take out any of them that get too close. ”

I almost hesitate, wanting to beg him not to be stupid and to run with us, but my training hits me head on, forcing my legs to move.

Catching the eyes of both Hawk and Cole, I run as fast as I can to the lake.

They both turn and within seconds are on either side of me, their weapons lifted and at the ready even as we make a mad dash to the water.

Without reminding each other, we pull our balaclavas over our faces, just in case.

They can still transmit the virus if they get close enough, even if they don’t actually bite us.

“They’re fucking faster!” Hawk yells as he runs next to me, pushing me to run in front of him while he covers my back.

Over the winter, the zombie sightings were less frequent.

It was almost like the cold made them slow down or even hibernate.

Maybe the lack of ‘food’ led them to conserve whatever energy stores they had until spring came, making them hungry and desperate.

Or maybe it’s just been a while since we’ve had a full-scale open field encounter that we’ve forgotten.

Who knows. All I know is that these bastards seem like they’re speed walking, maybe even on the verge of a straight up jog, rather than just lurking now.

The muffled sounds of a gun being shot ring out from behind us. Fuck, some of them must be getting close. I want to turn around to see if everyone’s ok, but I stick to my training and focus straight ahead. The beach is right there… just a little farther.

The mud is definitely not making things easier. The squelch and suck of the damp ground grabs at my shoes, slowing me down as I retreat, forcing my body to work harder just to survive.

My breathing picks up. It’s not that far to run, but my adrenaline is in overdrive.

Sadie is right on my heels, pushing me to keep going and to not slow down.

To not look back. We can make it. These zombies, while they aren’t slow and feeble like last year, still aren’t sprinting like they did in World War Z, thank God.

Even my tired, unfit ass can make it if I just keep going.

Almost there...

Just a little bit farther...

A few more shots ring out, luring me to turn around but I force myself to stay focused—to not succumb to the bait. It kills me not knowing what’s happening but I need to listen to Jax.

To trust their experience and skills will get them through this just as I am.

To keep going, forcing my steps one after the other regardless of how much it pains me to do so .

To not stop until I get there.

To not be the weak link.

My feet finally crash into the lake but I continue running until the water reaches up to my chest—a safe enough distance from the mayhem waiting back on the beach. As I turn around, the water continues to splash around me as Hawk and Sadie come barreling to my side. But where’s…

“AHHHHHH!!!!”

“HOLY SHIT!!!!”

“FUCK, COVER ME!!!”