Page 54 of Deceiver

Again.

When he pulls away from me, leaving that desperate, empty feeling inside me, the guilt finds its way to my brain once more.

Guilt that I’m doing this when there are kids out there I could be helping.

The guilt quickly turns into shame.

I’m sleeping with a man who could very well be a monster, and instead of being out there, fixing it, I’m in here ... doing this.

“Untie me,” I say, my voice suddenly panicked.

Nothing like the sudden drop of pleasure and emotion to bring out the inner demons.

Western does as I ask, untying me quickly. The moment my hands are free, I scramble off the sofa and frantically search for my clothes. The shame that is building in my body, minute by minute, is nearly enough to bring me to my knees. What the fuck am I doing? What sort of game am I playing? Am I truly so weak that I can’t stay away from Western for a single god damned moment? He hasn’t treated me well, yet here I am, pathetically searching for his comfort.

I’m ashamed of myself.

I jerk on my clothes, the warm cum trickling out as I pull on my jeans. That only makes me feel worse, horrified, even. Not only am I sleeping with him, but I’m doing it unprotected. Angry tears burn under my eyelids as I pull on my top and then turn, looking right at Western who is watching me, his jeans on but nothing else.

“I have to go,” I say quickly.

“You goin’ to run out every time we fuck?”

God. Fuck.

That’s all this is.

It isn’t ever going to be what I need it to be. It’s always just going to be fun.

I’m so stupid.

So incredibly stupid.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I say, a lone tear rolling down my cheek. “I’m sorry, but this ... whatever it is, it’s over.”

He doesn’t say anything, he just studies me, his head slightly tipped to the side.

“I wanted to believe that this could be something,” I manage, my voice breaking, “but the truth is, I don’t know you. I don’t know the man you truly are. I’ve been fighting against myself, because a big part of me just wants to run into your arms and never leave, but there is that other part, the part that tells me over and over again that I’ll never be enough to beat your demons. You’re broken, Western, and I need someone that is whole. I need someone who can actually love me. I ... That isn’t you.”

I walk toward the door and he calls out my name, I turn, trying not to cry any more than I already have.

“You’re wrong about me.”

That gives me pause, but not enough for me to stay.

I shouldn’t have come here tonight.

I just ... I shouldn’t have.

I have to let him go, once and for all.

Even if it breaks me.

~*~*~*~*~

PLEASE NO.

Please. No.