Page 15 of Darcy in Distress (Pride and Prejudice Variation #17)
“I think we should have abducted Mr. Collins and locked him in the basement at Netherfield,” Wickham declared.
Bingley, who was riding slightly ahead of the other three gentlemen, slewed his head around and stared in horror at the former steward’s son.
“Wickham is joking, Bingley, I assure you,” the colonel said, “though I confess it is a most attractive prospect compared to our aunt learning of your whereabouts, Darcy."
“How did our aunt discover we are here in Hertfordshire?” Darcy fretted.
“She has eyes and ears in many places,” his cousin said gloomily. “I agree it is most unfortunate. Do you think she will inform Matlock of your presence here?”
Darcy considered and then shook his head. “I would hope not. She is not on good terms with the Earl. All the same, I devoutly wish she did not know where we are. I do not need to have her sending letters here insisting that I marry her daughter Anne.”
“Or worse yet, coming here to berate you over your disinclination to marry Miss de Bourgh,” Wickham said drily .
Darcy openly shuddered. “Please do not say such things, George. I want to be able to sleep tonight.”
/
“Mr. Collins? Mr. Collins ? That vile man! I cannot bear to hear his name mentioned! Why is he here?” Mrs. Bennet demanded fretfully.
Jane sat down on the wooden chair next to her mother’s bed and reached out to pat her mother on the arm.
“It seems that he informed Father of his prospective visit last week, but Mr. Collins originally was intending to come in the middle of November. His patroness, a Lady Catherine de Bourgh, asked him to move up his visit, and the letter informing us of the change went astray.”
Mrs. Bennet sat up with a groan and lifted a handkerchief to her lips, causing Jane to gaze at her with real concern. Her mother often took to her bed when she was irritated by life, but she looked genuinely ill now.
“Oh Mama, you do feel poorly!” she exclaimed.
“Indeed I do,” Mrs. Bennet said feebly. “And now this odious Mr. Collins is here, who will throw us out of house and home when your father dies. My health is far too indifferent to entertain the man, but no one cares for me and my nerves. No one at all!”
“Mama, I promise you that Lizzy and I will look after the house and Mr. Collins until you are better. But really, Mama, you ought to see Mr. Jones as soon as possible.”
Mrs. Bennet reached frantically for a metal pan sitting nearby, and Jane cringed as her mother vomited into the basin.
“Oh, Mama!” she cried out. “Do let me send for Mr. Jones.”
“Yes, yes, I need to see Mr. Jones,” Mrs. Bennet murmured weakly. “I would not be at all surprised if I was dying of smallpox or something of the sort. If I am, I can take some small pleasure that Mr. Collins may die with me.”
/
“What a remarkable dining room, Mr. Bennet!” Mr. Collins cried out ecstatically.
“The table is so very large, and fine, and well-polished. As for the chairs, I declare I have never seen any so wonderful, save, of course, for all the chairs at Rosings, but then it would hardly be expected that a house like Longbourn could compare to the grandeur of Rosings, dwelling place of Lady Catherine de Bourgh!”
Elizabeth took a bite of her roll and chewed on it vigorously, the better to vent her spleen without saying anything impolite.
Mr. Collins had spent the first several hours of his stay talking incessantly, and she was looking forward to retiring to her bedchamber in a few hours to get away from the noise.
If the man had anything of interest to say, she would have heard him gladly, but he was a thoroughly dull conversationalist. Moreover, his penchant for complimenting Longbourn and its contents could easily be construed as avaricious enthusiasm, given that he was the heir to the estate.
“Mr. Collins,” Mr. Bennet said hastily when his guest paused for breath, “please, will you not tell us more of your patroness?”
“Oh, I would be honored! Lady Catherine de Bourgh is quite the most affable, gracious, honorable woman in the entire kingdom! She is sister of the current Earl of Matlock, you know, but you would never imagine her high antecedents given her kindness to me. She has invited me to dine at Rosings twice already, and I had the honor of making a pool for quadrille recently. I am truly blessed to have such a marvelous lady as my patroness!”
“You are fortunate indeed,” his host said solemnly. “Now, I understand that Mr. Darcy is the nephew of Lady Catherine? ”
The Bennet ladies, who were, one and all, bored with this conversation, perked up at this question.
“The Darcys are related to your patroness, Mr. Collins?” Lydia exclaimed. “How extraordinary!”
“Indeed they are, Miss Lydia! Yes, Lady Anne is sister to Lady Catherine, and thus Mr. and Miss Darcy are nephew and niece to her ladyship. That is why I came several weeks before I originally planned. Lady Catherine knew of her relations’ sojourn at a nearby estate and informed me, with her usual condescension, that I had the opportunity of being of real use to both herself and her Darcy relations.
I am aware they are new to the area and look forward to serving them in any way they see fit! ”
He beamed, his chest puffed up like a pouter pigeon, and Elizabeth was forced to swallow a laugh. Her cousin did take himself very seriously.
“I have no doubt that our new neighbors will be delighted to have you at close hand for any assistance they might need,” Bennet commented drily.
Mr. Collins was, it appeared, impervious to sarcastic inflections and said importantly, “It is, of course, my great honor, sir.”
/
Netherfield Hall
“Georgiana?”
“Yes, Mother?”
Lady Anne gazed down affectionately at her daughter.
While her husband had proven a villain, her two children were everything she could ever wish for.
Her son, burdened with a great estate while still in his twenties, had toiled and battled to care for both Pemberley and his sickly mother and gentle sister.
Georgiana herself had proven a kind, gracious, if terribly shy girl.
Given their father’s character, Lady Anne knew how fortunate she was that her children were benevolent, godly individuals.
“Are you still writing your cousin Anne at Rosings?” Lady Anne inquired, seating herself next to her daughter.
The two ladies were relaxing in Georgiana’s private sitting room off of her bedchamber, and Mrs. Lockwood and Mrs. Younge had retired to their own chambers, allowing mother and daughter to speak freely.
“Yes,” her daughter said in some surprise. “I have not heard from Anne in several weeks, but at times she feels too poorly to write. I hope she will send a letter soon. ”
“Here to Netherfield?”
“Yes, I wrote to her that we were spending some time at Netherfield,” Georgiana said, and then winced, “Ought I not have done so, Mama?”
“Well, Lady Catherine has discovered our whereabouts, probably because of the letter you wrote to Anne, but do not worry, my dear. It is of no particular importance.”
Georgiana’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “Indeed, Mama, that seems most unlikely. I know that Cousin Anne does not tell Lady Catherine of our letters. When I was in that dreadful boarding school, we used to write frequently, and Anne assured me that she kept my letters in confidence.”
“Yes, my dear,” Lady Anne said drily, “but that does not mean that Lady Catherine has not read your letters on the sly, so to speak.”
Now Georgiana looked horrified. “You think that Aunt Catherine would read my cousin’s letters without permission? That is most uncouth!”
“She used to creep into my chamber and read my letters when we were girls,” her mother said with compressed lips.
“Your aunt wishes to know everything about everyone, in her circle at any rate. And of course, she wishes for your brother to marry your cousin Anne. I should have warned you of Lady Catherine’s proclivities for snooping, but it did not occur to me. ”
Her taller daughter pulled her into an impulsive embrace. “I know you were not well for many years, Mama. Is it bad that my aunt knows where we are living now? Will she tell our uncle Matlock?”
“I think not,” Lady Anne said comfortingly.
“She and Matlock are at daggers drawn at the moment, both being extremely strong willed. Furthermore, both wish to form alliances with us. Catherine wants your brother to marry her daughter, and Lord Matlock is entirely opposed to that scheme. Do not worry, Georgiana.”
/
Matlock House
London
Lord Matlock broke open the letter in his hands and peered at it with quivering nostrils. The letter smelled of the cheapest type of snuff, and it was written with a pen which needed mending, thus causing it to be rather difficult to make out the words .
A moment later, his irritation gave way to elation. At last the Runners had completed their task. Finally he knew where his recalcitrant Darcy relations had hidden themselves.
He leaned back to think for a full five minutes, then retrieved foolscap paper, dipped his own, well-mended pen into an inkwell, and began to write.
/
“What foolishness is this?” Prince André exclaimed. “Such a thing is entirely impossible!”
“Not impossible, your Highness,” Count Zolo said with narrowed eyes.
“I have here the records from the delivery of Queen Adelaide a little more than eighteen years ago. The midwife, Rotha, confirms that the queen birthed two daughters, not one, and the elder was sent away for safety. Princess Lilia, the Crown Princess of the kingdom, stands before you now. Indeed, your own eyes must confirm the records in my hand; Princess Lilia is the very image of her younger sister, as you can see from Zestra’s portrait. ”
Lilia’s own eyes fixed on the portrait of Princess Zestra. She did look exactly like the heiress to the throne of Mirandia, right down to the matching short thumbs. Tears sprang to her eyes as she turned to the man who had raised her, to Rumer the Goatherder.
“Father?” she asked in a faltering voice. “Is it true? Am I really the daughter of the king?”
The goatherder’s weather-beaten face looked down on her with loving sorrow.
“It is true, my dear Lilia. The king and queen, your true father and mother, were fearful of treachery from within their own family, and their concerns came to pass. I have no doubt that your uncle, Prince André, is responsible for the disappearance of the rest of the royal family.”
“How dare you say such a thing, peasant?!” André snarled, taking an angry step forward. To the prince’s outrage, several royal guards stepped forward to block his path.
“Lilia, as the Crown Princess, with your father lost, you are the ruler of the kingdom,” Rumer said, reaching out to stroke Lilia’s cheek. “You have the right to have your uncle imprisoned.”
Lilia turned wide eyes on André, who was now red to the point of apoplexy.
“Everyone has gone mad!” he exploded. “This charlatan…!”
“Guards!” Lilia said in a loud, clear voice, “Take him to the dungeons! ”
“Yes, your Highness!”
/
Note: the twin princesses should be eighteen years of age, not sixteen as I wrote earlier. They both need to be of age so that they can make legal decisions for the Crown.
“Mr. Bennet?”
The master of Longbourn looked up in astonished dismay. No one ever entered his library unannounced save Elizabeth.
“Mr. Collins?” he responded as he hastily put his writing away and locked the drawer. “Have you grown weary of my daughters’ chattering?”
“Not at all, not at all,” the younger man declared, his plump form swaying slightly in his enthusiasm.
“I cannot imagine any man growing weary in the presence of such beauty! You are fortunate that your daughters are a comely group of young ladies, especially given that they have very small portions.”
“Thank you, Mr. Collins,” Bennet returned sardonically, preparing to enjoy himself.
He was quite confident that Collins was too much of a fool to notice that he had been writing, and the man was an interesting character study with his mixture of pride and obsequiousness, self-importance and humility. “Please do sit down.”
“Thank you, Mr. Bennet, thank you! I am truly overwhelmed at your kindness in welcoming me, especially when the express went astray! If I may say so, this is a very fine library.”
“Thank you, sir. It is indeed my favorite room in the house. Are you perchance here to find a book to read?”
“Oh no, sir, no! Nothing like that. I only read sermons, you know, never novels! I do not approve of novels in the least! They are filled with nonsense, and the morality of the characters are often sadly lacking!”
Bennet fought to hold back a laugh and succeeded.
“You are, I am certain, quite correct,” he said gravely. “I do hope your sensibilities are not too greatly disturbed as all my daughters, save Mary, read novels on occasion.”
“Oh my, that is most regrettable,” the rector said with a frown. “All the same, I am certain that once we are married, Cousin Jane will give up such foolishness.”
The master of Longbourn, who had been feeling entertained, jerked to an upright position at these words .
“What are you speaking of, Mr. Collins?” he demanded.
“Oh, but you see, that is why I am here, sir!” Mr. Collins explained importantly. “I am going to marry your eldest daughter!”