Page 20 of Danger Close (Mourningkill #3)

“If you need anything from me, you shouldn’t be scared to ask.

” He nodded, as if he’d finally gotten to what he wanted to say.

“I don’t know what’s happened to you in the time we’ve been apart.

I’d like to find out. I want to know why you flinch away from me.

Why do you always look at me like I’m about to hit you. ”

He’d noticed? I usually hide it so much better. I wrapped my arms around my torso, pulling his jacket firmly shut around me as if it was armor. As if it could hide the nakedness I felt at his keen observation.

“I’d like for you to tell me one day. I’d like for you to really believe that I would never hit you. And I’d like to not work so damn hard to keep space between us, so I don’t scare you.”

He gestured to the space between us. He’d left half a room of distance, plastering himself against the wall by the door. I had not realized that was intentional.

I noticed the sound of stirring pots and the washing dishes had ceased.

“I plan to be in Trinity’s life from now on. I intend to be a father, and maybe one day, God willing,” he rapped his knuckles against the wooden wall then put it behind him again, “a grandfather.”

He tilted his head. He leaned slightly to peer out the open door. He’d noticed the silence as well.

“You and I would be in that boat together, you get me?” He continued as if he hadn’t noticed the eerie silence. “I wouldn’t mind you and I trying to be on the same page.”

I swallowed, finally confessing to a realization that threatened to shatter me.

“You really were a spy, then?” I said on a breath, prying my eyes from his, and staring into the fire.

“Of course, I was. What did you think I left for?”

I shrugged as a tear fell down my cheek. It was a tear of humiliation and defeat. A tear of absolute sorrow for the girl I had been. For the fool I was. For the fool I still am.

“I thought… I thought you had lied. I thought…” The words lodged in my throat, but I had to spit it out. I had to say it for my own sake. “I thought that maybe you had another family. Or, maybe you didn’t want that life. You didn’t want me. The baby. That you’d just…”

“Abandoned you.” He finished the thought for me.

“For months, I heard nothing. After almost a year, I just thought…” I had fucked it all up. I had ruined us. I had ruined myself.

I assumed that all my tragedies were of my own making. I had earned my misery through my own mistakes. But this? I had blamed him, and hated him for thirty years when the only person I had to blame was the one who stared back at me in the mirror.

“Damnit!” His head fell back onto the wall with a thud. “Teri… please…”

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, frantically wiping the tears away with the sleeves of his jacket, only for more to fall. “I’m sorry.”

“Please, Teri.” His voice was a plea. Almost a whine. “Can I hold you? Please?”

I looked up at him in surprise. He looked like he was fighting invisible chains that kept him on that wall. Was he holding himself back because he did not think I wanted his touch? That I didn’t crave him, even now?

I nodded, giving him my consent. He shook his head. “I need you to say it, baby. I don’t know if I’m just seeing what I want to see, and I don’t want to hurt you. So, please–”

“Yes. Please. Hold me,” I whispered.

He lunged forward, picking me up bridal style, spinning so that he sat on the bed with me in his lap, his arms wrapped around me.

It was so natural to place my head on his shoulder, tucking my forehead into his throat, his beard ticking the crown of my head.

He squeezed me to him, his strong arms a comfort I didn’t know I needed.

His tenderness brought even more tears, and he let me cry into his shirt, my fingers fisting his collar, as his massive chest muffled my sobs.

“Something went wrong with us, Princess.” He gently rocked me on his lap. “I’m going to find out what it was, and fix it. If it was a person, I’ll hunt them down and make them pay for their crimes.”

“No!” He did not know what he was saying. I would never want him to put himself in danger for my sake. “Don’t. Does it matter anymore?”

As lethal as Cobra might be, he didn’t understand the power a man like Ray could have. I had seen with my own eyes what he was willing to do to a person who kept him away from his toy. I did not want to stand over Cobra’s hospital bed as he fought for his life. That price was too high.

“Don’t cry, Princess.” His hand came up to cup my cheek, his thumb pushing away my tears.

“I’m sorry.” I wiped the tears away as fast as I could, and I had to wipe my wet palms against my jeans to dry them. “Please, believe me. I never got your letters. I didn’t know. I’m sorry. Please… forgive me.”

“Don’t be sorry.” He placed his palm on my jaw, tilting my head up so I could look into his eyes. “And there’s nothing to forgive. It was a mistake–a bad mistake–but a mistake nonetheless.”

His touch was warm and gentle. I leaned into it, a glutton for this tenderness.

“I’m going to fix it, if you let me.” He placed his forehead against mine, his prominent nose nudging mine in the sweetest gesture of affection. “In the meantime, will you let me…” He swallowed. “Can we see where this goes?”

“What?” My brows knit together in confusion, my mind too overwhelmed to think.

“I care about you, Princess. Time is fleeting. I’d like to spend some of it–in fact, a lot of it–with you.”

I gazed up at him in wonder, my heart reaching out to him.

I wanted that. I wanted it so badly that it frightened me.

Flashes of a woman in a hospital bed, a tube down her throat, her bones broken, face swollen flashed through my mind.

I blinked, and the image stayed, but instead of a petite Asian doctor, it was him.

Cobra, broken, barely breathing, as machines beeped around him.

I couldn’t let that happen. No matter how much I wanted him, no touch, no bliss, no happiness was worth seeing him hurt.

I pushed out of his arms, and he let me go. I stepped away from him, placing cold, sterile distance between us until I bumped into the nightstand, almost knocking over a lamp.

“No.” I shook my head, crying even more. “No. I don’t–we can’t—”

Every attempt I made to explain, to lie, died on my lips.

“Okay.” He came to his feet, his face relaxed, his body casual. “Okay.”

He frowned, then nodded. Then he smiled, and said for a third time, “Okay.”

He stood up, went back to the wall, his hand behind his back. He waited as I wiped my face again, getting my sniffles under control.

“The other thing I came to say was…” His eyes warmed, the green of them glowing brightly as he gave me an almost boyish, lopsided smile. “I think you look beautiful. I wasn’t sure if I’d told you that today, or not.”