Page 19

Tarynn

I ’ve always been an earlier riser minus the rising part. When I wake up, I’m up. There’s no chance of going back to sleep, but I like to snuggle under my warm covers, watch the sunrise creep through the windows, just lay still and do nothing at all.

Over the past three weeks, I’ve made an artform out of the mornings that I wake up to the man in my bed beside me. He doesn’t always spend the night. Sometimes, he stays late and then leaves to go do club business—apparently bikers have late bedtimes and Crow and Raven have an inexhaustible supply of energy.

He goes into work at his tattoo shop at nine and stays until around six or seven. He takes on mostly large scale projects now and his clients usually sit between eight to ten hours, which just blows my mind, but apparently that’s not that unusual for heavily tattooed people. I suppose it’s like anything. You start slowly and build up your tolerance.

Even after a full day at work, he either goes to the club first, or comes directly here. I can’t call our days routine, or say that we have one. Between my schedule and his, sometimes all we have is a few hours in the night, an early morning, or a stolen lunch hour. My favorite nights are the ones where I get to go to bed with this wonderful man and wake up beside him.

Like this morning.

I went to bed with Crow, but I’m not going to assume that I’m going to wake up beside him. It could be Raven who greets me. They’ve been switching out so often that it’s become what I guessed it would be—a seamless transition that no longer looks like a warzone.

It’s Wednesday morning and it just so happens that I have today off. I can tell by the watery daylight just spreading across the sky that we still have time before he has to be up and off to tattoo.

Connie is still sleeping soundly, chain sawing her logs, on the world’s plushest, largest dog bed. The thing dwarfs her. It takes up a good chunk of the bedroom. Crow was so excited to go and get it for her right after we got back from Vegas. It’ll still be a few weeks until her cast comes off and she’s good to go, but she has a bladder of steel and between us, we’ve established a routine where we take her out at seven-thirty. She likes her sleep and is perfectly content to stay in bed until we wake her for outside and breakfast.

When we’re at work, if we have overlapping hours, Crow drops Connie off at the clubhouse. He was worried that it would be too much for her, because we didn’t know what trauma she’d been through—but she loves it there, and surprisingly, the men adore her too. I really don’t think it’s just the men. All the old ladies and kids spoil her terribly as well.

My cheek is resting against Crow’s chest, my arm draped over him, as well as one of my legs. This isn’t how we fell asleep last night. He was the one wrapped entirely around me after he ate me out and fucked me into six orgasms.

I move my legs a little, testing to see how sore I’m going to be today. There’s no question that it’s going to be a reality.

There’s a twinge, but at least I don’t feel wrecked. I’m going to be able to walk after all. Yay for me. I better not tell Crow. He’ll want to rectify the situation and he’ll be late for work. If I get Raven, he won’t make it in at all.

I lift myself off of that solid, inked chest just enough that I can tilt my face and stare up at the slumbering god in my bed.

The stitches are gone, replaced with a red scar that’s fading every day. I know every mark and freckle on his skin now.

I can’t believe it’s been just over three weeks since we got back from Vegas. In the best way, it feels like a lifetime.

I saw what my parents believed a relationship should be—my dad getting all the glory and my mom ghosting through life.

With Crow and Raven, it’s the opposite. He sees me. He thinks of me. He asks about my day, and he’s truly interested in every little thing that happened. He cares about my feelings. I find both Crow and Raven ridiculously easy to talk to. For a man who spent most of his time alone, he’s so easy to get along with.

Neither of us have ever lived with a partner before. You’d have to have had one in order to do that. We have so many of each other’s firsts already.

I know that it will wake him up, but he’s so beautiful when he’s asleep, warm and soft, unguarded and peaceful, that I can’t stop myself from brushing the pad of my thumb over his stark jawline.

His lashes lift from his cheeks, treating me to the full intensity of his gaze. His face crinkles and goes even softer as he smiles.

“Sorry.” I kiss him, lingering on his lips. Morning breath? Fuck that. There’s not a single time when this man isn’t straight up delicious. Every part of his body, every taste and touch, makes me half crazed and starved for more. “I couldn’t resist.”

“Don’t be sorry. I like having extra time with you.”

“You’re probably tired.”

He snorts and cups my face, tracing my bottom lip with the pad of his thumb. “What’s on the agenda for your lovely day off? It wouldn’t happen to involve bringing me and my client coffees to the shop around lunch, would it?”

“Of course I could do that.”

He can’t keep the devious grin off his face. “The coffees are just an excuse for me to magically have a problem with my power source that I’ll have to rectify in the back room where I’m going to fuck you senseless.”

“Oh my god,” I breathe. I’m so sore, but that doesn’t stop the twinges and the slow, wicked second heartbeat from thundering between my legs. “I think you fucked me to the point of raw last night.”

“I love that you say fucked. I love that you call it a pussy instead of a vagina and a cock instead of a penis. I’m enjoying it very much just how badly you’ve been corrupted.”

I turn my face and bite him lightly in the shoulder. “Careful,” he rumbles. “That could get your ass spanked. I could sneak some lube along with me and take that tight hole in the back room, fuck my sweet, dirty girl while everyone else is so, so close.”

I really sink my teeth in, which makes him groan. His arms circle around me and he whirls me around, parting my legs so he can kneel between them. I immediately clench my thighs to his waist. He’s hard hot, insistent as he nudges his cockhead against my entrance. He doesn’t thrust inside, but slicks the tip through my wetness. Even that feels sore, but it’s not painful.

Just well used.

And my god, does that ever make my face heat up.

“I’m kidding about all that. Don’t come to the shop on your day off. Those hours are precious.”

“There’s nothing I’d rather do than spent them with you.”

He teases me a little bit more, then slides off me. It takes all my control not to pull him back. He swings his legs around to sit on the edge of the bed. When he stretches his arms overhead, I’m treated to the hottest fucking show, all his ink and his back muscles shifting in tandem.

“I was thinking that I might… Umm… that I might try and go over to my parents’ house. I need to talk to them at some point and the longer it stretches on that I haven’t done it, the more anxious I feel about it.”

He cranks his head over his shoulder to study me. “Careful, babe. I have a weak stomach in the morning. Talk of your parents might cause me to spray the dog with vomit and wouldn’t that just make for a terrible morning?”

I gather the sheet around me, laughing. “Morning, Raven. It’s been a few days. I’ve missed you.”

“Morning, babe.”

I never thought that I’d like being babed , but when Raven uses that word, it makes me want to laugh and shiver in pure desire at the same time.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you? I can’t cancel on my client, but we could go later.”

“I’m not saying this because you’re Raven and not Crow. I’d be telling him the same thing. I’d like for you to be there, but I think the first conversation that I have with them needs to be alone.”

“They’ll probably act like a bunch of tool bags, calling you a Jezebel and what not, and then I’ll really be hard pressed not to fashion an impromptu torture chamber out of the kitchen and treat your dad to a little bit of light tickling .”

My robe is hanging on the back of the door and Raven passes it to me. It’s cotton, a butter yellow with little flowers. It’s worn out and ancient, but I loved it so much it was one of the things I brought with me when I left my parents’ house.

I slip it on, knotting the tie. “Jezebel?” I frown at him. “Do you know that from somewhere, or have you been doing some reading?”

“I’ve been pounding the Bible hard,” he winks at me. “We’re almost three quarters of the way through. There’s a distinct advantage in having a second fresh mind to pull shifts. It’s really quite something, working together for a change. It’s astounding what we can accomplish.”

“Wait!” I steer him to the bathroom down the hall, I’m going to thrust us both into the shower. There’s no way I’m not taking advantage of having enough time to leisurely wash each other’s hair and discover all the ways we can drive ach other crazy with just tiny little touches. “You’ve read three quarters of the Bible in three weeks?”

He shrugs, cranking on the spray. “I’m a fast reader. Don’t tell him I told you this, but Crow’s even faster. It’s probably the only thing he’s better at than I am.”

The house is a smaller two-bedroom, though one bedroom is so tiny I’m not sure how it qualifies as anything other than a storage room. He did extensive renovations when he purchased the little bungalow, including new vinyl plank flooring in a dark gray that matches the walls. He redid the kitchen and the bathroom, the star of the show is the wide tub he managed to fit in. It makes showering in there doable, but just barely, given that Crow and Raven are fucking massive. When we switch spots, he still has to guide my hips when we change positions under the spray so that I don’t slip and fall, but as far as I’m concerned, that’s a bonus.

We strip off our clothes and get in. Whether it’s Raven or Crow, they both prefer to give me most of the water and take the overspray until they have to rinse their hair. Crow says it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. He doesn’t want me to get cold. Raven says people used to think that bathing would kill them, and he hasn’t quite evolved out of that reasoning.

It strikes me right in the middle of squeezing shampoo onto my palm, ready to lather into Raven’s black hair, that I’m falling in love with them. Both of them.

I reach for his wet hair with shaking hands. He closes his eyes, giving an exaggerated purr as I massage his scalp. This man might look like a big baddie, but under all the ink and the black clothes, his dark hair and eyes, he’s soft. He’s soft for Connie, for me, and for the men of his club who are making a real effort to understand who Crow and Raven both are, after he admitted that he has more than one personality.

I couldn’t believe it when he slipped into bed, my first night in the bungalow, after settling Connie on the foot. It was almost three-thirty, but I hadn’t been asleep. It wasn’t that the place was strange or new to me. After spending so much time with him in Vegas, it felt wrong to be alone. I missed him.

I’d folded myself into him as soon as he climbed into bed. He’d kissed my forehead and told me that he’d come clean with the club. No one called him a freak, a liar, or told him to get help. They’d accepted his truth the same way they accepted that if he wanted to talk to any doctors or other professionals about what was going on with him, then he would. He’d promised that it wouldn’t change anything, except that Raven was more social and sarcastic. They’d probably get tired of his mouth in short order. Bullet—who I know from Patti’s, raised a beer bottle in a toast to that. Outgoing or not, he was still their Enforcer.

“Are you double sure that you don’t want me to come with you? I could give you moral support by staying in the car and creeping the house like I have no chill.”

I laugh, some of the tension ebbing away and the anxiety spinning in my stomach settling. Raven knows what to say because he’s sometimes painfully observant. He likes to think he doesn’t have much in common with Crow, but he’s wrong. When they set their heart on something, they do it all the way.

“You won’t stay in the car. You’ll be scoping out the house, walking crazed circles around it. They don’t need another window punched in and you don’t need another bloody first.”

“I’ll be sure to boot the door down then. Let it take the brunt of the blow.”

I roll my eyes. “Sometimes my dad is the kind of person that could tempt even the saintliest person into bitch slapping him.”

“And I’m not exactly saintly.”

I wipe the soap suds away from his forehead, so they don’t end up in his eyes. “That’s right. But l—” I cut myself off, realizing what I was about to say. I cover fast. “like that about you.”

He doesn’t nail me on that. He does claim my lips, forcing me back under the water, drenching us both. I break away, shoving at his chest.

“You beast! You’re drowning me.”

He pivots me around with my hips in that sweeping motion we’ve perfected, digging his hands in his hair because it’s thick and long, and the water never rinses out all the shampoo properly without his help.

“Raven?”

“Hmm?” He stops, water and soap running all over his face. A bunch of suds trickle down the bridge of his nose.

“I feel like we’ve been living in a bubble, a little bit. It’s a wonderful bubble, and I think that you and Crow—that you’ve… that you’ve been…” I swipe my hand over my face, more to try and compose myself than to clear away water droplets. “I think you’ve been waiting for me to tell you that I’m ready. I see the bikers from your club all the time at Patti’s. I know it’s not the same. They’re rowdy there, but the real debauchery must start when they get back to the clubhouse on those nights. I know that it’s wild and there’s heavy drinking and there are women and… I know you think that I’ve been sheltered my whole life and you’re right. But… I like riding on your bike. I like having you and Crow in my life. It’s starting to feel like… like you’re everything.”

He ducks back under the spray when it’s clear that I need a minute. He pops back out, grabs the shampoo, and takes his time working it through my hair. It’s long and he has to go back for more before there are even suds. Washing my hair is a huge production. Even in the summer, it takes forever to dry.

“When I go to school, I’ll meet a whole bunch of new people and hopefully, I’ll be able to make some good friends, but I thought about what you said, about the club’s old ladies wanting to take me for lunch or dinner one night. I think that I’d like to do that sometime. I don’t know if I’m ready for the clubhouse yet, but I’d really like to meet the people who make your club a family.”

“Hmmm.”

I don’t press, stepping under the water to start the laborious process of trying to get all the suds out of my hair. After a good rinse, I find Raven studying me and give him a reassuring smile.

“I know it’s probably extremely wishful thinking, but it would mean everything to me if one day, you’d be able to think of my parents as family.” I gather up my hair and start twisting it to wring it out. “Honestly, at this point, I’m not even sure what I think. There would need to be so much growth, from all sides. I don’t know if there’s a middle that can even be found.”

Raven pulls me into him, slamming out bodies together. His hot tongue swipes over my bare arm and up my shoulder, licking up water droplets before his hot mouth latches onto the side of my neck, teeth grazing my sensitive skin.

There’s no possible way that I can take having him inside of me without ruining myself, but the full body shivers try to convince me otherwise.

“I’m the club’s enforcer. His rough voice is so sweet in the shell of my ear. “I’m good at making the shit go away. Keeping order. I wish I could do that for you.”

He brushes all my hair away from my neck so he can continue to lick and bite me. He’s careful not to mark me, even though I know that he probably wants to. If I was him, I couldn’t honestly say that I wouldn’t want my parents to see those small stamps of need.

I smooth my hands up his shoulders, tangling my fingers in his wet hair. “I need you to know that my freedom, my life, and my happiness are on me and me alone. I’m the one responsible. It’s not dependent on my parents ever approving of my life in any way. They don’t have the power to change my mind.”

His tongue traces the shell of my ear. “I know, babe. I trust you.”

By going there, I’ll probably only make things worse, but I want to try. I feel that it’s the right thing to do.”

“They don’t know real happiness.” He pulls back, drinking me in. I lose myself in his eyes, the softness of his face in this moment, unguarded and sweet, just for me. “Real happiness isn’t following a prescribed set of rules, counting on your own control and austerity to save yourself from some unknown. Happiness is being on a bike, riding straight into the wind. It’s staring up at the stars on a cloudless night. It’s men who are there for you, even when you doubted they would be—brothers who have your back. It’s sinking into a good book and both losing and finding yourself, the perfect cup of coffee first thing in the morning, dog snores that go all night long. It’s finding that person that makes your soul and your brain feel at peace when all you’ve ever known is war.”

We’re already pretty much smushed together, but I collapse into him, losing myself in his hard planes, melting into him. I rest my cheek on his shoulder, warmth flowing from me, my heart heavy and near to bursting. “That’s such a beautiful way to put it.”

We stay that way, holding each other, pressed so tight together that not even water can slide between us, until the shower starts to get cold.

Raven wraps me up first, sliding a thick black towel around me and getting a smaller one from the cupboard under the sink for my hair.

He does all of it naked, looking painfully hard.

I swallow hard at all his male beauty. “What do you want for breakfast?”

He smirks at me. “You.”

“What else?”

“Pizza. And you.”

Raven hates regular breakfast foods. Crow doesn’t eat in the morning at all. “Pizza I can do. There’s one in the freezer.”

“Awesome. Pop it in the oven, I’ll take Connie out and get her fed, and then I’ll put you up on the counter and eat your sweet pussy. I owe her an apology, given how Crow fucked her raw last night.”

“Holy god.” I smack his chest. “If anyone’s eating anyone, it should be me taking care of you.” His towel is practically an eight person tent.

“Excellent. I can be your breakfast.”

I roll my eyes at him, but pick my robe back up instead of getting dressed. There’s pretty much no point, given that I’m going to be naked in the kitchen in short order. My gag reflex is extra strong in the morning, but the way my mouth waters and my body gets ten shades of achy all around my midsection at thought of taking his thick cock into my mouth and making him lose all semblance of sanity and control, is a pretty good reassurance that I can overcome it.

Raven is definitely my new favorite breakfast food.

***

A few hours later, I pull up in front of my parents’ house.

I haven’t so much as driven past here, not even covertly or discretely since I left. I’ve gone out of my way to avoid the area entirely.

The apprehension I feel at parking in their driveway by the station wagon that I used to drive, is nearly crippling.

It takes all my courage to walk up to the front door and ring the bell.

There are a few large trees in the front yard. Their little square of grass is immaculately mown. The flowerbeds are as lovely as ever. The only thing that’s different about the place is that the glass they’ve had repaired isn’t exactly the same shade as the one on the other side. The old one is just a little bit more faded and foggy.

I wait and wait, but there’s no answer. I ring the bell again, tapping my toes anxiously. I didn’t want to antagonize my parents, so I didn’t wear any of my new clothes. I’m dressed like an eighty-year-old woman in my typical high waisted jeans and light green blouse. My hair wasn’t dry by the time I wanted to leave the house, so I braided it and twisted it into a bun at the nape of my neck.

There are zero signs of life from inside the house or from outside. Other than the birds, the yard is so eerily still.

I walk around the side of the house. There’s no fence here. The door to the garage opens to the backyard. There’s no one back here either. My dad isn’t sitting outside reading, and my mom isn’t tending her flower gardens.

Even though I feel like an intruder, I open the garage door to check if their car is here. I let out a small sigh of disappointment that doesn’t do anything to erase the twinge that tightens my chest when I see that it is.

They’re here. They’re just ignoring me.

I guess they could have gone for a walk, or they might be busy with someone who dropped by for some counselling. In the past, it wasn’t that uncommon for people to come by at all hours of the day and night, but if that was true, I would have seen a flicker of something behind the privacy glass at the door. My dad always met with people in the living room.

I shut the door and walk back to my car, forcing myself to keep my head high. I came here to try and make things right between us, but if they don’t want to do that, I’ll deal with it. It doesn’t mean that I’ll stop trying. Maybe they’re not ready yet.

The walk to my car feels a thousand years long. I turn back around even though I know that I shouldn’t, and I swear that the lace curtains in my parents’ bedroom are swaying, like someone just stepped back from the window so I wouldn’t catch them spying on me.

Probably my mom. My dad would never do anything like that. He’s far too bold. His not answering the door sent a clear message.

I try not to let my anxiety get out of control as I drive around, a little bit aimlessly. My eyes well with tears anyway.

I don’t know why I do it, but I try the church. I find myself rolling into the large asphalt lot, staring at the white walls, the stained glass windows, and the ornate roof peak with the large metal cross.

I clutch the top of the wheel with both hands and rest my chin on them. I don’t know why I’m here. I knew my dad wouldn’t be in the office if his car was at the house.

I close my eyes against the hot sting prickling the backs of them, but then I just sit and let the tears flow. My eyes fix on that cross, way up there, offset by a perfectly blue sky.

“I forgive you,” I whisper. It’s not clear who I mean. Maybe I don’t even know. I wanted to tell my parents, but maybe this is what I truly needed. I spent many hours here, probably just as many as I spent in school or at my parents’ house. Sunday school, church services, extra courses, youth group, plus all the hours that I cleaned here. My dad loved being the first person here on Sundays and for anything that was ever going on at the church, which meant that my mom and I were also always here early.

This building has seen so much of my blind obedience. Maybe indoctrination isn’t too strong of a word. I’ve cried here, laughed here, literally sat and dreamed. In addition to my own life, I’ve been to just about everyone else’s major events here. Weddings, funerals, baptisms. Beginning of life, end of life, and all the years in between. I know every single person who attends this church. I can’t remember a time when that wasn’t true. This place hasn’t just been the center of my dad’s world. It’s been mine too.

Maybe that’s why I ended up here. Something in me knew that I needed to tell this place goodbye, with the hope of returning, one day, even if it’s just to pay homage to the good memories I had here.

“I’m ready to move on now,” I whisper. “I’m ready to keep growing. I hope we can find a way forward.”

I didn’t expect to find any relief or resolution today. No real hope or absolution. I expected my parents to sit there and let the things I was saying fall on deaf ears and then to tell me that I’d strayed, and they were disappointed. I expected them to be hostile and unreceptive. Dreams and hopes are one thing, but I only counted on becoming a family again in any capacity in the far distant future.

Leaving the church behind me, I catch sight of myself in the rear view mirror. I didn’t realize that I was smiling, but I am, just a little.

Sometimes, a little is actually a lot.