Page 18

Raven

I t’s not a weekend night, but it’s still night and the club is loud with voices. They’re mostly male, since the club whores generally only come out en masse on weekends. I can imagine all the guys in the lounge, a few watching some shit on TV, others throwing darts or playing pool, others sprawled out on couches, yapping about bikes, bitches, or guns.

A quick inhale in the hall tells me that none of the old ladies are around, or if they are, it’s late enough that they’ve already cooked and had done with it. The place has a distinct odor of eau de male , not pot roast and mashed fucking potatoes.

Connie had surgery on her front legs, and one is in a bright purple cast. I’ve helped her go outside a few times now, carrying her and bearing as much of her weight as possible. At first, she didn’t know what to make of a virtual stranger grabbing her around the hind end and whispering sweet dog nothings in her ears about just letting it flow, but now that she knows that I’m here to help her, as soon as I set her down and assume the position, she knows what to do.

She’s groggy from the pain meds that I’ve been giving her. I have a week’s worth and so far, she’s taking them well.

At my house, which I guess is now Tarynn’s house—we managed to get her to eat a bit of soft food before giving her another dose.

She’s such a sweet dog with the softest brown eyes, so eager to please and so gentle natured. There’s no way she didn’t have a family at some point. It breaks my heart—and Crow’s too—but life is hard. People move. They change. They don’t take responsibility for the ones they love. Sometimes, they can’t. Oftentimes, they just choose not to, thinking that if they turn their head in the opposite direction and don’t see, then the problem doesn’t exist.

I get Connie settled on my bed in my quiet room. The first thing I see are Tarynn’s bags. She assured me that she’d be fine at the house tonight. It’s late and she has more than enough clothes and shoes from our trip that she won’t need her other things until morning.

She encouraged me to go back to the club and get things settled—not even knowing what those things really are, but she could sense my restless agitation the closer we got to Hart. I wanted to spend the night with her and come back to the club in the morning, but she was right when she pointed out that if I did that, there’s no way I’d be sleeping.

The house is furnished and was cleaned when the last renters moved out, but it’s been almost a month. It’s been sitting empty and it’s my fault. I just never got around to posting the ad online for it. Every day I meant to do it, but something always came up. I’m the last person who would ever believe in fate, but maybe a few things in life do actually happen for a reason.

Now, Tarynn has a place to stay. While we were in Vegas, I paid my regular cleaner a small fortune to be there to receive all the furniture I ordered, as well as to bring linens for the bed. Tarynn had a small heart attack when we got there and she found out what I’d done, but instead of protesting uselessly that it was too much, or doing the whole ‘I couldn’t possibly accept this’ routine, she wrapped her arms around my neck, kissed me softly, and thanked both of us for being so unbelievably kind and for giving us a home.

I settle Connie on the bed and curl up behind her. I tuck my face behind her soft brown ears and inhale her dog scent. She smells like soap and something sterile, still lingering from the vet, but she also just smells like outdoors and sleepy dog.

Five year old, ten year old, fifteen year old me rejoices in this moment. I always wanted a dog. I mean, I wanted a fuck of a lot more than too—acknowledgement, control over my body, a part in the family, to have just one single friend—but I really, really wanted a dog. Adam and I didn’t agree on much, but we agreed on that.

I’m sorry, okay? I wrecked your childhood. I get it.

My head barely hits the pillow before knuckles rap against the thick door. I left it ajar for a reason. Because I knew that I couldn’t come back here without having this out. It’s the reason I’m here instead of with Tarynn, where I want to be.

Because I have obligations.

Or do I?

Don’t you fucking dare, Owen. You like it here. You like the life, and I know that when you get to do real violence, it make you giddy. You can’t honestly tell me that you detest anyone. They’re our family, not just mine.

“Come in.” I sit up, barely refraining from adding something snarky, like tacking on darling .

Don’t fuck this up. I let you stay in control. If you wreck this, it’s not just me who will be disappointed.

He means Tarynn, but he also means me. I hate that he’s right.

I’m pretty sure that Tyrant allowed his father to suggest his name. Zale Grand was okay until he wasn’t. Maybe he was more like me than anyone will ever know, or maybe one day, he just snapped and decided to turn into a raging fucking butthole with major paranoia issues. Potato pot-at-o.

Anyway, Tyrant isn’t much of a Tyrant at all. We go by our club names around here, but a lot of the men call him Gray anyway. He’s younger than me by a few years, the club’s golden child in more ways than one. He cut his teeth on this place, his old man being Prez before him. His grandfather founded the place. He’s got that sun bronzed, Greek god look about him, with long ashy hair, stark green eyes, and a physique that more than just the club whores have drooled over for years. He only has eyes for one woman, our club queen.

Thing about Gray—he’s a family man, he takes the club brother shit seriously. This place and all the men in it—we’re his and he’s ours. He gives back far more of himself than he ever asks for in return. Doesn’t mean he hasn’t got his hands dirty for this place in the past or that he hasn’t seen his fair share of death, violence, and blood.

His salt of the earth, down to earth personality is the reason that he closes the door and leans against it casually. He only smiles at the dog, though the club doesn’t generally let animals in here. I only brought Connie with me because Tarynn has a hard time lifting her, and I knew the clubhouse wouldn’t be in loud party mode tonight.

Tyrant raises a sandy brow and waits.

If this was Crow, he’d wait right back. There’s no way he’d be the one to break the silence first. I try and channel my inner douchebag—I mean Crow—and wait, back against the headboard, one hand resting on Connie’s shaggy ruff, fingers buried in the fur so far that they’re seeping up the warmth of her skin.

Inner douchebag? I have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re the one on the outside now.

Ooh, who knew. Crow can be funny when he wants to be.

Tyrant probably has his old lady and his daughter here, or wants to get back to the house they’re still renovating together. He’s not going to wait me out. “What are we doing here, Crow?”

I know how unwarranted it is, but my first impulse is towards violence. I want to shout at him that it’s Raven, not Crow. I want to tell him that I’d like to come over there and tear off his mouth, shove it where the sun don’t shine, and let him talk out of his ass all he’d like then.

Sigh. Old habits die hard, don’t they?

Crow’s right. I don’t know why I’m like this. I guess it’s going to take a while for the rage and frustration at having spent years unloved and fucking caged to fade.

“What do you mean, what are we doing here?” I need to know if he’s talking about club business, Tarynn, or Connie, before I know how to answer that.

Of course, it’s all three, because I’m the common denominator. Everything I do affects the other.

Ty pushes off the door and takes a step into the room. When I don’t lunge off the bed to attempt to break him in half —he’s a big man, so it would probably take several tries—he ventures forward with another. Finally, he drops down in the chair where Tarynn sat when she was here, eyes scanning the bookshelves.

“I like reading too,” he muses. “I knew you did, but I didn’t realize just how much.

Tyrant might be our president, but he’s not forceful. He’s not paranoid like Zale, who never would have let a man lock him out of what he saw as his own clubhouse. The guys might have had rooms in it, but Zale viewed all of it as his.

Tyrant is more like a benevolent guardian of the place, protecting our right to life, freedom, safety, and brotherhood. That includes our rights to having our privacy and the sanctity of our own space.

“Who’s your favorite?”

“Tarynn likes Dickens.”

“Ahh. And you? It’s impossible to choose, isn’t it.”

I don’t think we’re talking about books. No. I know we’re not talking about books. “I think that if you’re not constantly discovering new authors to fall in love with and be amazed by, you’re doing it wrong. Life is long. It probably shouldn’t be lived with only singular experiences.”

Tyrant nods. He sets his hands on his knees, gripping the worn spots in his faded jeans. He fills up that chair, on the verge of breaking the damn thing even though it’s sturdy. I don’t know why that makes my heart race, banging straight into fight mode. I’ve been there for years, watching things through Crow’s eyes. I know these men as well as he does. They just don’t know me. I know that Tyrant is a good man and that he came in here because he has the club to worry about first, but also because he meant to support me, not tear me a new one, but all the same, I still want to lunge off this bed and sink my teeth into his jugular before I tear out his throat.

What the fuck, Raven? There’s self-preservation and then there’s just unhinged psychopath territory. Don’t make me sorry that we’re doing this. Scratch that, I’m already sorry.

Despite his annoyance, Crow doesn’t try and wrestle me out of our body. He doesn’t shove me straight to the background. It’s not just because Tyrant would see it all happen. Crow wants to make good on his word. He might not have made a promise to me and the peace truce or whatever it is that’s between us might be tenuous, but he gave Tarynn his word.

“I have no doubts about you. I know you’re not leaving the club. We don’t chain men here. You knew that you could go away for a few days, since we’re in downtime right now. We didn’t have any rides or jobs planned. You let people know where you’d be, and if we’d needed to call, I know you would have answered and been right back here. I’m not asking about you .”

“You’re asking for the club.”

“I’m asking for the protection of the club. I need to know what might be coming at us.”

I stroke Connie’s fur gently, concentrating on that spot between her ears because sometimes it makes her give little doggy grunts of pleasure. One other thing I love about dogs so far? That she snores. Loudly. She makes other strange sounds that aren’t growls or barks. I read up on German shepherds while Tarynn was driving, and most people say that the grunting and groaning is a thing. I like it. Very much.

“I know I went to Vegas with a woman I barely knew after I helped her abscond from her home, and I came back with a dog. I know that doesn’t make much sense to anyone.” I finally lift my hand so Tyrant can see the gold band there.

He shoots straight out of the chair like there’s an ass eating monster tunneling up from the floor. “What the fuck, Crow?” He starts to pace, silently debating with himself how to deal with this.

Fact is, if you’re a one percenter, you’re not like other people. With us, he’s come to expect all sorts of the fucked up unexpected.

“Okay.” Whatever he has going on in his head, his eyes aren’t danger. It makes me three percent less likely to want to break all the bones in his body. He nods. “Okay. I guess that answers my questions. Unless you tell me differently, I don’t think this warrants calling church, but I need to know if the other church, the one Tarynn grew up in, is going to be coming for us. You know that it’s important to me that the community doesn’t hate or fear us. I have a daughter. She’s going into kindergarten soon. She’s a part of this community and I don’t want life to be rough for her, or any of the other kids, because of me.”

“I know you feel that you have a duty to protect this city, but—”

“Not just me,” he reproaches gently. “All of us. We all do. You’re a part of this community too.” His posture soften along with his voice. “What can I do to help Tarynn make this transition?”

“Nothing,” I bristle. “I’ve taken care of it. She’s staying in one of my properties, she has a job, she’s going to school in the fall. We’ve got it paid for.”

“I meant her transition into being an old lady.”

It’s nearly impossible to ignore the protective instincts screaming inside of me. Tarynn is legally my wife, but in reality, I don’t really know what we are. Moving at the speed of light when we should be taking baby steps. I’m scared to death that I’m going to ruin all of this. Now. Six months from now. Years down the road.

I’m at a pivotal fucking point here myself.

Ourselves. We’re at a pivotal fucking point.

That’s what I mean. I don’t know if I want to tell the club about us. I don’t know if Crow does either. If we do it, it’ll take a good while to figure out how, and for them to get used to the idea. I’m already basically a loner around here. I can’t see guys wanting to be friendlier after I tell them that I’m two steps away from a—

A what?

What would they really think? Them, with their fucked up pasts and bloodstained hands, their demons that they do battle with every single day? Would anyone even give a fuck?

My laughter catches both of us off guard.

Okay, all three of us.

I don’t mean the dog. She’s still snoring like tank. The whole bed is practically rattling with her chainsaw log sawing.

“Nothing. I’m sorry, I’m a prick. All of this is just unbelievable, you know? Do you ever feel that way? Like you stand back and just can’t believe that this is your life?”

Tyrant nods immediately. Another thing about him? He’s open to a point that most people couldn’t even begin to fathom. “Every day. I wake up next to the love of my life, who also happens to my best friend’s little sister. I think about all the ways we might not have found our way back to each other. I’ve got a daughter more beautiful than anything in this world. Sometimes I feel like laughing too, at the wonder of how this ever happened to me.”

He fought for it. Hard. He fought for Lark, for his daughter Penny. For every single one of us to have a good life here at the club. It hasn’t been an easy few years here, but things are finally coming out the other side, where we can take a breath.

“I have good men at my side, guiding me, but also relying on me. Men who put their faith in me to lead them. This club is my life, my breath, and my blood. There’s not a minute where I take that for granted.”

I bow my head solemnly. I no longer feel like hanging Tyrant’s eyes up on the wall as an early Christmas decoration. “I know.”

“I get that you like to be alone, but don’t forget that all your brothers here have your back. You want to introduce Tarynn slowly to this life, I understand that. You don’t want her involved at all, that’s your decision. If there’s fallout to you marrying her, helping her, wanting her, loving her—whatever you feel, then we’re here.”

“I thought you were coming in here to tell me to proceed with caution or not at all. To talk about crazy church people— namely her father, the club’s image, and to probably convince me to get an annulment because someone like her doesn’t mix with a fuck like me.”

“Hey. There’s not a woman here who isn’t too good for us, but somehow, they chose us. They love us for who we are. It’s an honor and a privilege, and mystifying as all fuck.”

Tyrant doesn’t say shit just for the sake of saying it. If he’s putting that out there, it’s because he truly feels that way. I never believed in notions of love or finding someone who could accept that there’s an Adam and an Owen in one body, let alone want both of us. It’s always been my difference that kept me apart from other people, even men who I swore an oath of loyalty and brotherhood to. I never thought that we might actually have some common ground other than a love of the lifestyle and an enjoyment of bikes.

I know what I want the first thing I do with Tarynn to be.

I want her on the back of my bike.

Not because she belongs to me, or to Crow, but because I want to share all the things I’m passionate about with her. When she’s comfortable, I’ll start showing her how to handle the bike, teaching her everything she needs to know for the day that she wants to get her own.

I don’t know what makes me do it, but I shove off the bed and walk straight up to Tyrant. I offer my hand, the first time, I think, that I’ve ever touched another person besides Tarynn, to offer anything other than pain and menace.

Tyrant grasps it and gives me a thunderous clap on the shoulder with his other hand. “We’ve got you, brother. That’s all I came in here to say. Anything you need, you let us know.”

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. Crow must know I’m going to say it, but he doesn’t push back. He doesn’t fight with me, even on the inside about it. He doesn’t try and clamp down on our tongue to silence me.

“There’s something right now. I- I need you to sit back down in that chair and hear me out. I need to tell you something about me and I need you to hear me out until I’m done. You might think it’s not possible, but it is. It’s who I am. I need you to hear that. I need you to know. I need you all to know.”

Tyrant’s hand tightens around mine in support. “Whatever it is, it’s not going to change that you’re still part of this club. Do you understand?”

When he sits, I do too.

We both need to be sitting for this.

It was Crow who told Tarynn about me, but now it’s me, for the first time, telling the world that I’m here. That I’m real. That I want to mean something and that I want to matter.

That I want to live .