Page 24 of Craved By You (Dark Desires Duet #1)

Astrid

T here was a part of me that briefly thought about entertaining the idea of hearing Colt out.

However, I wasn’t sure how I would ever be able to look past his desire for human flesh, no matter what he said.

Whether his victims deserved it or not. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed the towel that he had left hanging up for me.

I dried off and turned to find Colt standing in the doorway, holding a cup of steaming coffee.

Startled, I jumped back and held the towel up to cover myself.

The air in my apartment had grown thick, heavier than the damp towel I was clutching in my trembling hands.

The steam exited the bathroom as quickly as it had entered and I was left with a chill seeping into my bones.

“Thank you.” I walked hesitantly toward Colt and accepted the coffee he had taken the time to make for me, staring at it for a brief second before taking that first sip, hoping that it wouldn’t be my last.

Stop it Astrid, it’s not like he has any reason to kill you. My anxious thoughts were starting to cloud my rational judgment. I needed sleep. Desperately. I still clung to the slight hope that when I woke, I would realize that all of this was just a dream.

“ I set some clothes out for you.” Colt smiled at me. “I’ll let you get changed and then maybe we can talk?”

I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to respond.

I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I needed time to process everything.

I walked past him and went into my room and shut the door behind me, not inviting him in.

I took note of the oversized Vore Ritual t-shirt that was lying out with my plaid pajama shorts and after a few deep breathing exercises, I finally got dressed.

Before leaving my room I acted out the conversation that I needed to have with Colt mentally, in front of my mirror, so that I would be able to breeze through it once I returned to the living room and met him face to face.

Colt was sitting on the edge of my worn couch, his broad shoulders were slumped and his gaze was fixed to the carpet.

He looked vulnerable and the silence that surrounded us continued to scream loudly with the horrifying truth that had clawed its way into my consciousness like a wild animal.

I crossed the living room and sat in my favorite chair across from him.

“ You ate them.” My words came out in a fractured whisper. They felt gross and unbelievable and suddenly I felt the need for another shower.

He flinched and bowed his head further before clearing his throat. “Astrid…”

“ Don’t,” I choked out, wanting to get up and run, but I knew he would follow. “Don’t say my name. Not after…” My breath hitched, a sob escaping as flashbacks of what I had found played in my mind like a slideshow. Bile began to rise in my throat and I swallowed hard, fighting the urge to be sick.

“ I know, it’s disturbing and sick.” His voice was rough and he finally lifted his head to look at me. The pain in his eyes almost made me get up and rush over to console him. “But you have to understand.”

“ Understand?” My voice rose, laced with a tinge of hysteria. “Understand what, Colt? That you’re a monster? That you violated human decency? How could I ever understand that?” I began to cry but I wasn’t going to lose my momentum. “I trusted you. I let you touch me and all this time…” I shuddered.

Colt stood up and slowly walked toward me. “Astrid, please, it isn’t what you are thinking.”

“ It isn’t what I’m thinking?” My voice was as sharp as shattered glass.

“You killed people, Colt, and then you devoured them.” As those words escaped my mouth, the reality crashed down.

The one man who had made me feel safe, who made me start loving me again…

The man I had such a quick emotional connection with even after everything I had been through, was nothing more than a predator.

“ It started as desperation,” he pleaded with me to listen as he ran his hands through his hair. “I was going to starve. It was survival, and they weren’t innocent people. None of them.”

“ You call that survival?” I spat as I stood up and made my way behind the chair to add a little more distance between us. “What about after your first time?” Tears were streaming down my face, blurring my vision. “You could have stopped after one.” Nausea began taking over again.

“ It changed me,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “But what it did, what I am ? It has nothing to do with you.”

My laughter came out harsh, a mixture of horror and disgust brewed deeper within me. “Nothing to do with me? It has everything to do with me. How can I ever feel clean again? How can I ever look at you and not think about what you’ve done?”

He took another step closer, the look of anguish came over him. “Astrid.”

“ No!” My voice cracked. “You need to get out! Get out of my home, my heart, and my life!” I backed away and stumbled against the door frame as my body shook uncontrollably, as I sobbed. “Just go.”

Colt froze in place, his shoulders slumping as he realized that there was no working this out. The pain in his eyes intensified. “Astrid, I…” His voice was thick with what sounded like unshed tears.

“ Get out!” I demanded. “You disgust me. I never want to see you again!”

The words lingered in the air, sharp and final.

I watched as Colt stood there a moment longer.

I thought briefly that I might have to call the police to have him removed.

He started to open his mouth as if to speak before ultimately accepting defeat.

The urge to try and fight for us had finally drained out of him, and he let out a heavy sigh before he walked toward the door and left.

The click of the door closing was loud and echoed through my apartment, a chapter closed that I had never wanted to write.

I wonder how much of that my neighbors heard.

I leaned back against the door and sank to the floor as heavy streams of tears flowed down my face like the Euphrates. The person who had saved me was a monster, the truth cut through like a wound that would never heal, and yet… A part of me still wanted him.

???

When I woke up the next morning, my heart and mind both told me that I was going to have to talk to Haileigh about all of this. With her growing interest in Chris and Ryder, I couldn’t bear not sharing the information with her when they could be aware or even just as much a part of it as Colt.

I got ready and made my way into work and was greeted by Haileigh’s glowing smile that quickly faded away. “Hey, is everything okay?” She wasted no time.

“ No, no it really isn’t.” My eyes started to well up. “It’s Colt.”

Haileigh grabbed the keys and rushed over to turn off the open sign just before locking the doors. “We don’t have appointments for a bit, it will be okay.” She grabbed my hand and dragged me back into her office, sitting me down on the high-heeled shaped lounge seat. “Tea?”

“ Sure.” I shrugged. “English Breakfast?”

“ You got it.” She forced a smile as she removed a pod from her Keurig and began to brew hot water into a cup with retro daisies on it, adding a dash of cool water before handing it over to me. “Now, spill the tea.”

I stared at her blankly as I contemplated what she had just told me.

“ No, drink that while you tell me what happened.” She rolled her eyes as she read my mind. “When you’re ready.”

I sat huddled quietly on the lounge as my tea cooled, debating if I was just going to blurt out the entire thing, or if I wanted to leave anything out.

No, she’s my best friend and I need to protect her.

I began to tell her everything in ragged bursts, punctuating each segment with sobs and shuddered breaths.

The vibrant radiance that Haileigh usually dispelled was suddenly subdued as she motioned for me to scootch over.

She squished onto the lounge with me and draped her arm across my shoulders.

“ And then he just left without so much as a fight for us.” My voice was barely a whisper since my throat was raw from all of the crying. “It was like the monster under the bed had finally shown its face and then excused itself.”

“ You demanded he leave,” Haileigh pointed out. “It’s not like you really gave him an option to stay and try to talk through things.” She squeezed me tightly. “I can’t blame you, that’s horrific.”

I nodded as the tears began to stream again.

I was so tired of crying, but truthfully I was still so tired.

Even sleeping most of the day yesterday hadn’t helped because I kept seeing his face in my dreams. “I’m to the point where I can’t even think of him touching me without wanting to scrub my skin raw. ”

A long silence stretched between us as Haileigh rubbed her hand up and down my shoulder to console me between sobs. Finally, Haileigh spoke, soft yet hesitant. “But, he saved you, right? He’s the one who showed up and got you out of there.”

“ Yes,” I admitted, my gaze fixed on the cup of mostly untouched tea. “He did. He took me back to my place and the entire time he was gentle and caring, just like he’s always been.”

“ And you’re torn between wanting to hate him and simply just… wanting him?” I knew she wasn’t going to let this go.

“ I don’t know.”

“ And he said it started out as desperation?” Haileigh pressed gently, wanting to make sure she had all the details accurately.

I nodded. “Starvation, there was no other way.”

Haileigh paused her interrogation and just as I believe she had no other questions she started up again. “The people he… ate, did he say anything about them?”

“ Just that…” I paused, trying to remember the fragments of what I let Colt say. “That they weren’t innocent. I didn’t want to hear any of it, so I didn’t let him speak much. That still doesn’t make what he did okay.”

“ No, it doesn’t,” Haileigh began slowly so as to choose her words carefully.

“Maybe it’s not about being okay with it, but more like understanding it.

What happened to him was terrible, Astrid.

Maybe finding his mom dead and then fighting for his own life against her murderer got his morality twisted and he couldn’t think of anything else except to go into survival mode. ”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and I pulled away from Haileigh’s consoling grasp. “Twisted? Haileigh, he ate people! No amount of twisting makes that okay.”

“ I know, let me finish.” Haileigh held up her hand to cut me off. “It’s awful and disgusting. But if he only hurt people who were deserving, at least he wasn’t hurting innocents. He was just playing out his own version of Dexter.”

A knot began to form in my stomach, regret building from me not being willing to hear him out. “He implied that, yes. Even if they were the worst people in the world I just don’t think that eating them was the right way for him to handle it.”

“ No, it wasn’t right,” Haileigh agreed. “It still explains a little.”

I shrugged off her comment and wrapped my arms around myself, embracing my own body in a hug.

“I don’t know how.” I was finding myself trapped in the deep conflict that I had been trying to avoid.

Part of me still wanted him. The part that had felt safe in Colt’s arms, the part that had seen the genuine worry in his eyes when he tended to me, that part whispered the most dangerous question of them all. Could I truly dismiss him entirely?

“ It’s still so gross.” I choked out, tears blurring my vision again as I fought an internal war between my head and my heart.

“The thought of it makes my skin crawl and how could I ever trust anyone again? I could have never imagined that someone I was so connected to on all levels could do something so awful. ”

Haileigh reached out and took my hand in a firm grip. “I know, honey. It’s going to take a lot of time. It’s okay to feel disgusted and betrayed, but you should also listen to the other part of you that still wants him.”

“ I’m just confused, that’s all.” I pulled my hand back. “He saved me. He was kind, just like the person I fell in love with, but then I came back to reality.”

“ Maybe that’s it then.” Haileigh paused, staring at me intently. “But then there’s the what if ?”

I felt myself starting to feel torn between whether Haileigh was on my side or his. “What do you mean?”

“ What if one day you find yourself able to forgive him? Would that change how you are feeling now?”

I stared down at my hands, my clenched knuckles turning white as snow.

Haileigh had asked a very valid question.

What if I could one day forgive him? The thought echoed through my mind.

His kindness, obsessive and protective nature, and the connection we had.

All of it had been overshadowed by a single monstrous act.

Only it wasn’t a single act. Who knew how often or how many times a month he restocked his supply. Was that forgivable?

That answer felt impossibly far away.