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“How did the Bloodletter even have a spell to break it?” I ask.
He looks surprised, whether that I’ve questioned this, too, or that I keep interrupting him, I don’t know.
What I do know is that it bothers me hearing Hudson talk about mating bonds—and especially about breaking them. I don’t know why, but it does, so I plow ahead, determined to finish the thought for him. “If they can’t be broken, how did some old vampire in a cave just happen to have the spell lying around to do the one thing no one else in history has been able to do?”
“Exactly. Plus…” He pauses a moment, like he’s got to prepare himself for whatever he’s going to say next—or my reaction to it.
It’s that thought that has me rolling my shoulders back and bracing for whatever blow is coming, even though I know it won’t be physical.
“Do you remember what your bond with Jaxon looked like?” he asks. “I only saw it once, in the laundry room, and I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I didn’t realize then…”
“What?” I ask as my stomach twists itself into knots.
He sighs. “What a mating bond should look like.”
“So what are you saying?” I ask in a voice so shrill, I can’t believe it’s coming out of my body.
“I’m not saying you weren’t truly mated.” Hudson places a soothing hand on my shoulder. “I’m saying something was wrong with your bond with Jaxon. I’m not sure if that was because the spell was already at work or if…”
“Or if there was always something wrong with it?” I finish.
“Yes,” he answers reluctantly. “It was two colors, Grace. Green…and black.”
Turns out I was right to brace for that body blow, because—just like that—my stomach bottoms out and I feel dizzy, one thought circling in my head over and over.
If something was always wrong with my bond with Jaxon…it might never be fixable.
You Can Run but
You Can’t Hide
“I need to go,” I mumble and take off down the hall, hoping Hudson will just let me go. The last thing I want to do today is more soul-searching detective work.
Up until this moment, I think I still believed this situation could be fixed. That Jaxon and I could be together again. All week, I’d been finally grieving the loss of the mating bond, but breakup or no, I still thought we’d find a way to work things out. Silly me.
I should have known the magical universe would have one more fuck-you up its sleeve.
I just hope Hudson lets me make it back to my room to mourn in privacy the loss of everything Jaxon and I had.
Hudson obviously doesn’t get the memo, though, because he starts walking with me. Of course. Because why would he actually do what I want him to do, even this once?
My hands are shaking as I’m fighting the tears threatening to lay me bare, and I wait for him to ask me what’s wrong or, worse, if I’m okay. But he doesn’t. Instead, he just walks silently beside me until, finally, he says, “I understand that news was a bit of a shock, Grace. But really, are you that surprised Jaxy-Waxy couldn’t even get a mating bond right?”
I stop walking and slowly turn to face him, fury quickly replacing the despair that had been swallowing me whole. “Are you serious right now? Do you even have an ounce of compassion in your entire body?”
He looks bored again. “I’m a vampire. Compassion isn’t something we actually do.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Keep it up, and I’m going to turn you into a pile of rocks.”
“Ooooh, I’m so scared.” He waves his hands in mock panic. “Oh, wait. Been there, done that, didn’t want the T-shirt.”
I don’t know if it’s the ridiculous hand gestures or the idea of Hudson in a Vampires Rock T-shirt, but my anger disappears as fast as it came on. This whole discussion is just so absurd.
Hudson must not think so, though, as he looks totally offended—at least until I look deep in his eyes and see the satisfaction there. And I realize another truth tonight.
Hudson picked a fight on purpose. He knew I was devastated, knew I was using every ounce of control I had not to burst into tears right in the middle of the hallway. All the badgering and sarcasm wasn’t because he was being a dick. It was because he was being nice, though I’m sure he’d rather die than admit it.
It’s not the first time he’s done it, and it probably won’t be the last. But maybe, one of these days, I’ll stop falling for it. Maybe.
Then again, maybe not.
Because something about it, something about the snide comments (on both sides) and the bickering back and forth, sometimes it feels an awful lot like…foreplay.
Just the thought has my already queasy stomach flipping and knotting up at the same time. Because foreplay is a lot of things—fun, exciting, sexy—but it usually leads to something else, something important, and I don’t have a clue how I feel about that. Not when it’s barely been a week since Jaxon broke my heart all over again…and just a handful of minutes since I learned it can never be fixed again.
We finally make it to my room, but before I can dart inside and throw a thanks for a weird evening over my shoulder, Hudson reaches a hand out to stop me. “You okay?” he asks, brows raised and forearm resting against the doorframe.
“Yeah,” I tell him, even though I’m not sure it’s true, what with these strange kinds of things happening inside me, things I never imagined I’d feel in response to Hudson of all people. He may be my mate, but he’s also my friend and this moment, this pose, feels distinctly un-friend-like.
“I should go in,” I tell him, hating how breathless I sound. Hating even more the way his pupils dilate in response…except, also not.
“Okay.” He steps back. “But let me know when you really want to get some answers.”
“Answers to what?”
“To those questions we keep throwing around. You can’t hide forever, Grace.”
It’s so close to what I’d been thinking earlier, what I’d sort of told Macy, that it gets my back up. “I’m not weak,” I tell him. “I am capable of dealing with hard things, you know.”
“You’re capable of dealing with anything. No one doubts that—and if they do, they’re daft, because you’ve proven it over and over again. You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met.”
Hudson doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean, which is probably why his words touch me so much. But before I can think of how to respond, he continues. “But you have a tendency to avoid conflict whenever you can.”
“There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to fight,” I tell him.
“No, there isn’t. But there is something wrong with hiding from things until they get so big that you can’t ignore them anymore. It’s like people who shove bills in a drawer because they don’t want to face them. They keep stuffing the drawer until no more bills fit—and by that time, their life has gone completely to hell. Yes, things might be bad, and it doesn’t seem like there is an easy solution at first, but after a while, if you wait too long, there are only hard choices left to make.”
His words hit home. And I can’t help but feel he’s talking about our mating bond. He never said what exactly he’d been researching in the library, but suddenly I have a clue. I haven’t really let myself examine too closely how Hudson might be feeling being mated to me. I wasn’t ready to face any answer he might give—that he wanted the bond or he regretted it. But while I was hiding my head in the sand, Hudson wasn’t.
“You said you were researching mating bonds tonight,” I say, my breath barely a whisper above the pounding of my heart. “Exactly what were you trying to discover?”
His gaze holds mine for several beats before he tells me, “How to break them.”
Mixed Messages
Three hours later, I’m still staring at the ceiling over my bed as I consider what Hudson said about how I avoid conflict.
I want him to be wrong, I really do. But the longer I lay here on this hot-pink comforter that I don’t want—that I’ve never wanted—I can’t help wondering if he’s right. Especially when I roll over and bury my face in a hot-pink throw pillow.
I take a deep breath.
And for the first time, I allow questions I’ve ignored for months to invade my head like a swarm of angry bees.
How did Lia know that I was Jaxon’s mate before I’d ever heard of Katmere? Before Jaxon and I ever touched—since you supposedly only mate after you touch? For that matter, how did she even know where to find me?
How was I able to take Hudson and trap us on a different plane—for months? And why did my mating bond with Jaxon disappear while we were there?
Why was my mating bond with Jaxon two colors instead of just one, a twisted braid of green and black instead of one brilliant, solid color?