Page 20
CHAPTER 19
WHAT A GIFT LIKE THAT MEANT
SAGE
No.
He couldn’t be there. How the fuck was he there?
Sage tried to keep track of the game. Her eyes bounced from the glowing screen of the tablet to the streaking splotches that she knew were bodies running up and down the court, but it was all blurring together. The colors, the lights, all of it swam before her eyes like paint smeared on glass.
Everything was fuzzy — the sounds muffled, her breathing shallow — but through it all she felt him.
At first, she’d thought it was just an uncanny resemblance. The world was full of tall men with skin the color of rich ochre and pale eyes. But then he’d looked at her from the opposing team’s bench, and there was no denying the fact that Evan White was there.
The second she became aware of him, it was like every single layer of warmth and self-assuredness she’d built up around herself was stripped away in an instant, leaving her naked and bare.
She’d gained weight since he’d last seen her, and she felt the extra mass on her body like it was strangling her, painfully aware of how her thighs strained against the fabric of her slacks and how broad her shoulders were. Her hair was up in a ponytail — he’d always hated it like that .
The rational part of her brain was there, screaming for her to stop and think and just fucking ignore him , but she couldn’t. She couldn't seem to remember how to be the person she'd become when confronted with the man who'd shaped how she used to be.
And, of course, David was watching her. Watching her more than he should. But she couldn’t handle him right now, not when she was barely handling herself. She’d missed plays. Missed assists and turnovers as she tried — and failed — to focus.
When halftime came around, she was surprised to see that they were ahead by five. She’d been so lost in her head that she’d barely noticed the court in front of her.
Trailing after the team as they walked to the locker room, she felt the looming presence of David walking silently beside her. Something about him being there reassured her. Made her feel stronger than she actually was.
But then she heard the click of dress shoes against the stone floors approaching, and she felt her muscles seize, tension filling her entire body as an unmistakable scent hit her.
She’d bought him a bottle of Hugo Boss cologne before she understood what a gift like that meant. Especially a gift like that from a fifteen-year-old to her coach.
He approached on her left, pacing himself so that he could walk alongside her.
She hated how familiar he was. She even recognized the jacket he wore — a heathered charcoal gray with silver buttons. He’d worn it when they qualified for Nationals her sophomore year. He was still barely taller than her, and his eyes were still just as blue as they’d always been.
“Sage,” he said softly, under his breath.
Sweat gathered on her back and all that she could do was keep walking. Maybe if she ignored him he would —
“Please. Let’s talk after the game.”
She felt him move away, only then realizing she’d been holding her breath. She let out a shaking exhale, shaking her head like maybe it was all a nightmare that she could escape.
But it wasn’t a dream.
Halftime passed in a haze as she avoided the concerned glances David kept shooting at her, and then she was back on the bench doing it all again.
* * *
They won.
She should be excited and celebrating with the team. This win clenched their spot in the conference tournament, defying the expectations everyone had after seeing them play at the beginning of the season.
But she felt nothing, while simultaneously holding back a tidal wave of every feeling she’d shoved down and walked away from in the past five years that threatened to drown her at any moment.
Sage forced herself through the motions: retrieving the book, cleaning up the bench, gathering their balls, making sure the guys packed their uniforms and warm ups before heading out to the bus.
She was carrying the ball bag down the hall when Evan found her.
“Sage,” he said again, and she felt her sanity fraying, splintering, the hours of being locked in a heightened state of anxiety finally catching up with her. She was minutes away from collapsing.
“Talk to me,” Evan pressed. His voice was too sweet, too gentle, and as he continued, she felt herself speeding up, trying to put more space between them. “It’s been forever, sweetheart. Just hear me out.” He reached out and curled a hand around the back of her neck, his fingers pressing against her pulse point, just like he used to. “I’ve missed you.”
Her skin was cold. She jerked away from him, even though there was a sliver of herself that urged her to stay. “Evan, please,” she said, hating how small her voice had become.
“Sage.”
Relief warred with humiliation at the sound of David’s voice. She kept herself still as he walked up, coming to a stop beside her.
“Coach,” David said, his voice cold as he addressed Evan. Turning to Sage, his expression softened. “Everything okay?”
Evan laughed, his wide, bright smile so charming that Sage had to forgive her younger self for seeing what she thought she did in him. “We’re all good,” Evan said, all nonchalance and ease. “Sage and I know each other from California.” His eyes turned to look at her, and she forgot how to breathe. “She was such a promising player. One of the best I’ve ever coached.”
She was going to pass out. Her eyes burned, but even now she couldn’t pretend like a compliment from Evan didn’t feel like oxygen after hours trapped underwater. His praise was everything .
In that moment, she hated herself even more than she hated him.
David shifted beside her. “Right. Well, we’ve got to get back to the hotel.”
“Think about it, Sage,” Evan said, looking right at her like it was only the two of them in the room. “It’d be great to catch up.”
Sage forced her feet into motion.
She could feel David following as she walked out the doors, shoved the balls under the bus and climbed on board. She felt him behind her as she slid into the first open row of seats, but was still surprised when he sat down beside her.
He turned his body toward hers as the bus began to move, his knees pressing against her thigh. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Fine.”
His brows pulled down over his eyes. “I don’t believe you,” he whispered, his voice sandpaper in the darkness of the bus.
“That’s not my fucking problem,” she hissed back at him, losing a bit of the stranglehold of control she’d had over herself.
Immediately, she wished she could take the words back. Everything around her was falling apart except for the man beside her who refused to accept her lie. Shame curled in her stomach, and she turned, pressing her forehead against the cool window.
She heard the rustling of fabric as David got up, obviously moving to another seat. Obviously moving away from her. And when she pulled out her phone and found his number, the shame that burned hot and violent inside of her raged unchecked.
Courtyard Marriott.
The text from Evan came a moment later.
See you soon.
* * *
The elevator doors slid open with a ding, and Sage walked out into the lobby.
She wore jeans that were too loose and a thin camisole she’d packed to sleep in. She knew he wouldn’t like it, but when she’d packed for this trip, Evan White was the last person on her mind.
As she’d stood in front of the floor length mirror in her room, she’d felt like a battle was waging inside of herself. The Sage Fogerty who went to Southeastern, bought herself flowers, and had a best friend who read books with her and brought her soup wanted to tell Evan White to fuck all the way off to a dark sewer somewhere in Europe where human excrement had been piling up for centuries.
But equally as loud was the Sage from five years ago who wanted nothing more than the approval of the blue-eyed man who was so much more than her coach. It was all she’d ever wanted.
So, in spite of herself, Sage was going to see him.
Stepping into the lobby she stopped, her breath catching in her throat.
David sat perched on the edge of one of the couches, his long fingers fiddling with the brim of his hat. His hair was mussed, his mouth drawn into a frown. He still wore the sweater and slacks he’d worn to the game.
She took a few steps toward him.
His head jerked up. Something like pain flashed across his face as he looked her up and down.
He cleared his throat. “Are you going to see him?”
Sage found that she couldn’t form words, so she nodded.
He rubbed his palms over his face as he exhaled roughly. “I don’t like it, Sage,” he said, his voice muffled by his hands. He dropped them down into his lap, picking up the hat again and resuming his fidgeting. “There’s obviously something going on…” He trailed off, clearly hoping that she’d jump in and clarify the situation.
But she couldn’t. Not when she had no fucking idea what she was doing. She didn’t know how to explain to this man who was so good why she was about to walk out into the cold Baltimore night to see another man. A man who was decidedly less good in every way that mattered.
It was one of those moments where she felt like her life was living her. Like at some point she’d given up the reins and now she was barely holding on and just trying to stay alive.
Sage shook her head, pushing her loose hair back over her shoulder. “I just…I have to go,” she finally said.
“Come on, Lefty,” he pleaded, leaning forward like he was going to get up from the couch. Like maybe he was going to reach for her. “You’re upset, and I hate that I don’t know what’s hurting you.”
Her phone buzzed in her back pocket.
She gave David one last look, and the obvious devastation in his eyes almost brought her to her knees.
It would be so easy to stay. Most of her wanted to stay. But then her feet were moving and the automatic door slid open, the cold air immediately sending shivers up her bare arms.
She walked right up to the black SUV that was parked on the other side of the brightly lit unloading area, pulling open the passenger door and climbing in.
She glanced over at Evan, who sat in the driver’s seat, reclined to the point where she had no idea how he was able to drive safely. He sent an easy smile her way, and then put the car into gear.
Neither of them said anything. Music played, softly enough that she wasn’t sure if it was a song that she recognized or not. The seat warmer was turned on, and she shifted as heat seeped through her jeans.
She wanted to make a joke about how she felt like she’d pissed herself, but she didn’t.
That wasn’t who she was with him.
They drove for a few more minutes before Evan pulled into an empty retail parking lot, easing his car into a spot in a back corner tucked under a tree. Yet another thing that felt familiar.
With the car in park, Evan shifted, turning toward her and leaning over the console. Again, one of his hands found the back of her neck, and he pulled her toward him. “I’ve missed you, sweetheart,” he murmured, his breath hot against her mouth. Cinnamon . He still chewed cinnamon gum. His lips brushed hers once. “It hasn’t been the same without you.”
And then he was kissing her.
She hated herself.
She hated the feeling of his mouth, and the wrongness of him touching her made her eyes well up with tears. She tried to pull away from him but he chased her, his tongue pressing against her lips even as she kept her mouth tightly closed.
Evan’s phone buzzing in the cup-holder between them finally interrupted his onslaught. Sage twisted her face away, glancing down at the phone.
Her entire body went cold. There, illuminated on the screen, was a photo of Evan and a beautiful woman.
A beautiful woman in a strapless wedding dress with her arms wrapped around Evan, who was wearing a tux. The same woman who Evan had been dating eight years ago when she first met him. The same woman who Evan had told Sage repeatedly meant nothing to him. The woman he’d promised to leave as soon as Sage turned eighteen.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
Sage’s voice echoed in the car, too loud and too strong. But whatever lingering part of her that had wanted to climb into the car with Evan White was gone. Crushed. Obliterated.
“What is wrong with you?” A harsh laugh combined with a sob burst from her. “Why, when you have her —” she pointed down at the image still illuminated on the phone — “are you here? What did I ever do to you? Fuck, what did she ever do to you?”
Evan watched her, his mouth tight.
“You knew how much power you had over me back then, didn’t you?” Rage filled her, burning away any other emotion that tried to gain traction. “You knew that you’d never choose me. You fucking knew and yet you still picked me, stringing me along and molding me into something I never wanted to be.”
There was so much that she wanted to say to him. Years of lingering doubts that she hadn’t faced head-on, insecurities that all went back to him . But, as she tried to catch her breath, her cheeks wet with the tears that just wouldn’t stop, she realized that he didn’t deserve it.
He didn’t deserve to know how he’d shaped her. He had no right to hear how he’d haunted her life, even years after he walked away. How he’d taken up residence in her head until it was his voice that whispered uncertainties every time she’d taken a step forward.
He wasn’t worth any more of her breath.
How had it taken her so long to realize that she was whole and complete as she was? That the person that she was outside of this car, the woman she’d become in the years since this man had left her behind was stronger than she’d ever been able to imagine?
“What the fuck am I doing here,” she whispered, her voice hoarse. “Take me back.”
Evan inhaled sharply. “Come on, Sage.”
“Now, Evan.”
She looked right at him. She straightened her shoulders, gathering the pieces of herself that he’d torn through so easily. Silently, she began to put herself back together.
And when he pulled up in front of the hotel and she climbed out of the car, she didn’t look back.