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CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

BECKHAM

Time. It’s supposed to heal all wounds.

Sometimes, it just serves as a Band-Aid until it’s ripped off and you have to deal with reality.

My dad came to see me in my room the night of our win. He told me about my mom’s release and explained that he hadn’t wanted to tell me about the details until after the playoffs. I’d figured as much, but I would have preferred the heads-up at least. I don’t do well with surprises. But I’m not upset with him.

Sure, there were times when I was little that I would cry or beg him to stay before he left so we weren’t alone with our mom. And maybe I was a little angry too. But with all the years of counseling we’ve had individually and as a family, I understand how my mom’s alcoholism affected us all. All three of us were victims of her abuse.

I’ve been checking in with him and Brooke every day. My mom can’t leave the state, but I still want to make sure she hasn’t tried to contact Brooke. I know my dad has a handle on it, but I was Brooke’s protector from the time she was born basically. Mom has no parental rights to Brooke, but there’s nothing that says she can’t contact her. I’m a legal adult now, so she knows any contact with me would go unanswered. I just hope, for Brooke’s sake, she stays away from her. My mom might have turned her life around, but I will never forgive her for what she did to us.

Carol has stepped in as a mom for Brooke, and I know they’ve gotten even closer since Casey and Charlie left home. I want Brooke to have a strong female in her life. I want her to learn how to be open to that kind of love and maybe not be so closed off to talking about her feelings, like I am.

When we got home from Pennsylvania, some of Charlie’s things were gone. Did it hurt? One thousand percent yes. Did I blame her for going? Not one bit. I’d told her I wanted space, but I only meant that night. And, well, maybe a few days after, but I never wanted her to leave.

Casey and I talked about everything, and he encouraged me to let Archie and Pitz know what had happened to me and why Charlie was staying with Arbor.

Of course, when we sat down to talk about it, the first question Archie asked me was, “What the fuck did you do to mess it up this time?” He’s never been one to beat around the bush.

I’ve texted Charlie every day and asked her to come over, but she tells me she wants me to focus on the upcoming game. While I appreciate that, I also need my girl. I don’t like waking up in my bed without her.

I know I probably didn’t handle the whole situation in the best way, but it’s not every day you see your mom, who you thought was in prison, at your playoffs game.

I’ve been sitting in my room for the last thirty minutes, thinking about everything but the paper I should be writing about the different rock elements of Missouri. We’re not even in Missouri. And also, why the fuck did I have to take Geography as an engineering major?

There’s a knock on my door, and I holler over my shoulder, “Come in,” not bothering to see who it is.

I know it’s not Charlie or Casey because neither of them would knock. So, that leaves Liam or Arch.

“Hey, brother.” It’s Liam.

“What up?” I spin in my chair and face him.

He’s looking down and rubbing the back of his neck, and he looks like he might be sick.

“You okay, man? What’s going on?”

Pitz is usually a pretty happy guy. But I know this playoffs run hasn’t been easy with Callaway basically taking over his spot.

“Yeah—I mean, no, but I hope it will be.” He laughs a little and lets go of his neck. “I wanted to tell you guys first before the whole team finds out. I’ve decided to enter the transfer portal after the championship game. I have one year left of eligibility, and in order for me to get a decent call in the draft, I need to get more field time. Callaway’s arm is a missile, and after this playoffs run, I know he’ll be starting next year. I can’t sit on the sidelines, man. My talents might be different from Bo’s, but I’m a good fucking quarterback.” He looks up at me for the first time since entering my room and has a smirk on his face.

“Dude, you are one of the best out there. As your friend and roomie, I hate to see you go. As your teammate, I totally get it. I would probably do the same if I were in your shoes.”

I get up from the chair and walk over to him. We grab hands to shake, but I pull him into a hug. He pulls back, and I go sit on the edge of my bed.

“Thanks, Beck. It wasn’t an easy decision to make. I’ve been here my whole college career. Walker was always my first choice, and I was hoping to end it with a ring here, but I might just have to get it somewhere else.” He laughs and points at me.

I laugh, too, but it’s never easy to see a friend like Pitz go. I meant what I said; he is a great quarterback and one of the best in college football. I have no doubt he’ll find the right team.

“Okay, so now that that’s out of the way, we have pizza. Come eat with us. You’ve been locked up in the room since Charlie left. Snap out of it, man. It’s cheat day, fucker. Let’s eat some greasy goodness.” He waves his arm for me to follow and steps out of my room.

When I get to the kitchen, it’s just the four of us. Archie’s head is down as he chomps on two piled slices. Casey and Liam are talking about some girl Pitz hooked up with last night. Which, of course, makes me miss Charlie even more.

When I sit down, Archie looks up at me and nods. “Sup, Linson? You done crying in your room?” he teases.

“Fuck you. I wasn’t crying. I was working on a paper and trying to manage my fucking schedule with our practices. It’s killing me, man. I’m exhausted.”

I pull three pieces of pizza from the box. When I realize I just pulled three, it makes me think of Charlie. And how I want her to come back.

“Heard. There’s a shit ton going on right now, but we’re so close, baby. We work hard; we play harder. We own those Southeast fuckers,” Archie says.

He shoves the last huge bite of pizza in his mouth. I’m surprised the dude doesn’t choke.

“Yeah, speaking of a lot going on, where have you been lately, Arch? We know your class schedule, so where do you go when you aren’t here, at class, or at practice?” Casey asks.

“In due time, my friends. In due time,” Archie says while nodding.

“Well, that’s cryptic as fuck. I just told you guys about one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make, and you tell us in due time? I call bullshit.” Liam slaps a hand on the table, laughing.

“Fellas, there are a lot of wheels in motion, and I can’t wait to tell you about all of them. But for now, let’s stay focused on winning the whole fucking thing.” Archie reaches into the box and grabs two more pieces of pizza.

We shoot the shit for a little longer. Then Liam gets up to take a call, and Archie goes to his room. Casey and I are still at the table. He’s typing something on his phone, and I’m watching him as I spin my water bottle around in circles on the table. He’s either texting Noelle or Charlie. My bet is on Noelle, but then he looks up.

“You look like shit, you know?” He points at my face and the stubble that’s gone too long without shaving.

I glance down at the table and rub my jaw. “I’m going for the mountain-man look.”

“Really? Because I thought it was a hermit you were aiming for. Aside from practice, you’ve barely left your room.”

“I have to keep my GPA up in order to keep my scholarship. You know that.”

“Doesn’t have anything to do with avoiding life,” he says, and I look up at him. Casey tilts his head and doesn’t flinch when he says, “Your mom is evil.”

As much as I know it’s true, I flinch at his words because I hate hearing about her just as much as I hate talking about her.

He must sense my unease because he pauses, as if choosing his words carefully. “Listen, Beck, we’re not the kind of friends that share every detail of our lives. Mostly because you like to keep things to yourself and I respect that. That doesn’t mean that I won’t be here to listen if you ever want to talk.”

“I don’t,” I say quickly because I’m already fidgeting in my seat at the notion that Casey is gonna want to have some sort of heart-to-heart moment where we dissect my past.

He laughs lightly. “I figured.” His tone turns serious. “It also doesn’t mean I haven’t been listening all these years to things you don’t say.”

I furrow my brow in confusion.

He continues, “Yeah, you say a lot without even speaking. You said, I love my little sister, Brooke , every time you babysat her when your dad had to work late and never complained about it, even when everyone else was out at the movies or at a party or riding our bikes around town. You said, I’m a good son , when you asked my mom to teach you how to cook when we were only ten because you wanted to do something nice for your dad when he came home from a long day at work. You said, I’m a fucking awesome friend , when you didn’t go on the eighth-grade class trip to Six Flags because I broke my leg and couldn’t go and knew I was upset about it. You say, I’m a great fucking person , when you live every day as Beckham Linson—son, brother, friend, baller, and one of the best fuckers I’ve ever met—despite having a shit childhood. You don’t have to talk about shit, but there’s no one in this world who thinks about other people the way you do, man. Sure, you’re anal as shit with your things, and you’re a neat freak like I wouldn’t believe. And only a good guy would find goddamn peonies in the winter to give to a girl. That’s you, Beck. So, we don’t have to talk about your past. That’s cool. But don’t you dare lock yourself away and start looking like some kind of mountain man because of it. It sucks, but it’s who you are. My best friend. Who needs a shave.”

Casey leans back in his chair, and we sit here for a while. It’s a lot to process, his words. So, we just stare at the oak table for a bit with a weird kind of silence in the room.

I let out a deep sigh. “You been working on that speech for a while?” I ask.

“No. It was impromptu. How’d I do?”

“It was no Oscar-worthy monologue, but I think it could find its place in a Matt Damon, Ben Affleck screenplay.”

“Fuck off.”

“I love you, too, brother.” I lift my water bottle to my mouth and take a sip.

Casey laughs and grabs his phone.

“Hey, Charlie forgot her favorite pink sweatshirt. She says it’s in the closet next to your hoodies. Do you want to take it over to her?” He smirks. “You’d really be helping me out if you did. I have other shit to do.”

“Oh, yeah? Like what?” I prod.

“If you must know, it’s time for my daily jerk. Plus, Noelle just sent me a snap of her at that bar, The Font, in her overalls, and she just took a blow-job shot. Dude, there’s a little bit of whipped cream on her upper lip. Hard as steel right now, and I need to go take care of it.” He adjusts his junk and stands.

“Bro, I think you’ve been around Pitz and Archie too long. You’re starting to sound just like them.”

“Fuck you, Beck!” he says with a laugh.

As he walks away, Archie comes back into the room and heads for the door. “Later, boys.”

“Where you going?”

“I’ll see you all tomorrow.” And then right before the door closes all the way, I think I hear him say, “Going to see my girl.”

But that can’t be right.

Even though it is cold as shit right now, I decide to walk the two blocks to the sorority house to take Charlie her favorite pink sweatshirt. I didn’t text her before I left. I didn’t want to give her the chance to say never mind.

As I round the corner, I pull out my phone and text her.

Beck: Hey. I’m outside with your sweatshirt.

Charlie: I told Casey to bring it to me. Sorry!

Beck: Don’t be sorry. I’m happy to do it. Come out.

Charlie: Okay, give me a sec.

When she steps out the door, she’s in tiny shorts and a long-sleeved shirt, which is so old that it’s practically see-through. And UGGs on her feet. At least she put shoes on. Charlie hates wearing shoes.

Her arms are crossed tightly around her body, and I can see her starting to shiver already. She takes the last step down and comes to stand in front of me.

“Hi,” she says cautiously, and I hate it.

I want to reach for her so bad and just pick her up and carry her back to my house with me—and then of course fuck her all night. I miss her so damn much. It takes everything in my power not to kiss her too. Her lips are begging for me to kiss her. But I won’t tonight, unless she reaches for me.

“Hey. You didn’t answer my text this morning. Did you get the peonies?”

“Wait, what? I did reply. You didn’t get it?” She pulls out her phone. “Ohmigod. I forgot to hit Send. I’m sorry. Yes, I did get them. Thank you, Beck. But you really didn’t need to do that. You have a lot going on right now.”

I nod. “I do, but you will always be my priority.”

I’m looking at her, and I’m trying to will her to meet my eyes, but she turns her head to the side.

“Beck, I know I am, but you need to stay focused right now, okay? And I feel like there is a lot we still need to say to each other, and it’s just not the right time to hash it out.”

“Hash it out? What does that mean? We’re not broken up, and we never will be again.”

She interrupts me before I can say more, trying to get me to look at her, “No, wrong word choice. I just mean, we need to talk about some things, and those things can wait until after the championship game, Beck.”

“Okay, Charlie. I hear you. I’ll just head home then.”

I hand her the sweatshirt and step back from her. I start to turn to leave, but she grabs my arm.

“Beck, it’s killing me to stay away. You know that, right?”

Turning to face her, I can’t keep myself from touching her. I bring my hands up to cup her face and look her in the eye. I need her to hear what I’m saying.

“Charlie, this time away from you has killed me too. I can’t even come up with enough words to say I’m sorry. I understand why you’ve done it, and I know I deserve it after I blew up at you after seeing my mom. But don’t for one second believe that I don’t need you. I need you and want you every second of every day. You are and have always been my reason for moving forward, for trying to heal, for proving to myself that I am worthy of your love. I’ll probably always be a work in progress, and I am back in regular counseling sessions, but I beg you to be patient with me. Because I promise you, everything I do is for you.”

Tears are running down her face, and she reaches up to grasp my wrists. “Beck, I’m sorry for how I handled it too. I didn’t know what to do or say. But one thing you never, ever, have to be unsure of is my love for you. You are a part of me, and I will never let you go again. And I’m so glad you’re going back to counseling. I think that’s amazing, and I’m so proud of you. Let’s just get through this last game, okay. Stay focused. Win .”

I nod, then bring my forehead to hers. “Okay, baby. I’ll give you, us, this time, but you better be ready for me. Once we win this game, you’re mine.”

She laughs. “Oh, I know I’m yours. Always have been.”

Pulling back, she softly kisses me. “I better go inside before I freeze.”

“We don’t want that. Although…I’m happy to warm you up. Just say the word.”

“Beck! Don’t tempt me. You better go before I change my mind and follow you home.” She lightly pushes me away.

“Okay, okay. I’ll talk to you later.” I turn and walk away from her. Again. But when I round the corner, I look back and see her still watching me so I stop and she blows me a kiss. I give her a wink and a smile in return.

When I get home, I pull out my phone to put it on the charger. I just want to shower—and probably jerk off—then go to bed. When I plug in my phone, I see a missed text. It’s the text she forgot to send earlier today, then another one right after.

Charlie: I love you, Beck. Good night.

Beck: I love you, Boss. Night.

I know I told her I needed some space, but I never meant for it to be more than one night. And maybe she’s right. It’s probably not the right time to talk about everything, but, fuck, I miss her.