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CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

CHARLIE

“Let’s see the neck. Is it healed yet?” Arbor examines me as soon as I enter the sorority house.

The last time I was here, I was in a turtleneck despite the warm fall weather, and she knew exactly what I was hiding.

“Turns out, cold spoons help. Thanks for the tip.”

“That would be my mom’s advice. Although I’m not really sure I want to know how she knew that would work. Come on. Let’s go upstairs.”

I came over to the sorority house to study and hang out with Arbor. Since I’ve been at Walker, we have been able to spend more time together. Lily and I also get along great, but Arbor and I have history, so it’s been much easier for me to bond with her, especially since we’ve known each other since we were in diapers.

Arbor and Lily’s room is one of the larger rooms in the house. There are two twin beds, two desks and chairs, a small couch, and one lounge chair. They’ve decorated their room in purple and blue with lots of floral prints. They’re style is similar to mine, but I prefer pink.

When I finally get my room here, I can’t wait to decorate it. All the pink. All the peonies. I found a wall sticker that’s one giant peony, which will basically take up my entire room, but I can’t wait to put it up. It’ll go with my peony comforter perfectly.

My thoughts pause when I start to realize that my finally moving in here means I have to move out of the house. Away from Beck. I mean, I know I can stay over there whenever I want, but the thought of not waking up in his arms now … yeah, it causes a little ache in my chest.

Arbor plops down and is sitting on her bed, books spread out in front of her.

I look up from the book on my lap, which I’m clearly not reading. She’s looking at me, head tilted, twirling a piece of hair around her finger.

“Char, now that you and Beck are back together, can you please shed light on what the heck happened back in the day?”

“It’s something that feels so ridiculous. I try not to think about it.”

“I just remember him always being around after they moved to Troy. You guys were inseparable. Then you guys all came down for a game our senior year, and you wouldn’t even look at each other. I asked my mom if she knew, but she would never say. So, I don’t know if she really didn’t know or if she wasn’t supposed to say. I know it’s not really my business, but?—”

I cut her off, “Arbor, it is your business because you are my friend. More than a friend. We’re practically like family. The truth is, I think we each have a version of what really happened. It’s actually something I’ve been thinking about a lot, and I know we need to talk about it, but I can’t figure out how to bring it up.”

“You know he’s totally obsessed with you though, right? I mean, he’s always looked at you possessively, but it’s gone to a whole new level. It’s totally hot, BTW. I wish someone would look at me like that.” She laughs. “I’ve always been a little jealous of you and your relationship with him. Not in, like, a mean way, but more envious, I guess.”

“Did you have a thing for Beck? I wouldn’t blame you if you did, but I’ve always wondered. You definitely look at him.” I smile and wiggle my eyebrows at her.

Shaking her head, she says, “No, no. I mean, I appreciate a fine-looking man, but he’s always been yours. Not that he would have looked anywhere else either. That’s why I guess I don’t understand how you guys could have broken up.”

Arbor might be able to help me work through how to approach this with Beck, so I may as well tell her my version of events. I take a deep breath and look at her.

She waves her hand in a well, come on motion, so I release the breath I was holding and start.

I suppose if I’m going to have this conversation with Beck, it might help to sort out my thoughts now. “You remember my friend Britney?”

“Yep, hated her,” she says and shrugs. “Mostly because I didn’t like the way she looked at you behind your back. Britney was the typical mean girl, in my opinion. Your friendship didn’t make sense to me.”

As I listen, I nod.

My mom had similar concerns about my friendship with Brit. I swear I think moms just know this stuff. The first time I brought Brit over, my mom was friendly, but the minute she left, she told me she didn’t care for her. That was her polite way of saying she didn’t like someone. I should have listened.

“Okay, so Britney was at my house one day. We were up in my room, hanging out, and she went downstairs to get a drink. When she came back up to my room, she told me what she’d heard down there. Beck was talking to my mom, and Beck looked upset, I guess. He was talking about not wanting to see someone. She heard him say he didn’t know what to do about it and that he wasn’t sure how to tell me.”

I stop talking and look down at the book in my lap.

I start flipping through the pages and continue, “She told me I couldn’t trust him and that he was lying to me about something. That he probably wanted to break up with me, but didn’t know how to tell me. So, naturally, I spiraled. Looking back, I think it’s stupid that I believed her, but at that time, Beckham had been distant. He had been at football camp for most of the summer. He came back, but then he left again for a few days and hadn’t told me where he was going. I really didn’t think much of it because that was us. I trusted him—until she put that seed of doubt in my head.”

“What a bitch. I’m sorry, Char, but honestly, she’s a bitch.”

The look on Arbor’s face makes me laugh.

“Oh, I know. And when I confronted Beck about it, he just stood there and didn’t say anything. I felt like he was gaslighting me. Making me feel crazy for thinking these things, yet didn’t have a solid response for where he’d been or what he had talked to my mom about. He got mad and walked away. All my mom told me was that there was more to the story but to give Beck space, so I assumed what Britney had said was the truth. Casey tried to intervene, but I was too stubborn and hurt by that point. As you can imagine, Casey wasn’t a fan of Brit either. Then, I guess … the silence between Beck and me just broke us. It hurt me more than I’ve ever told anyone.”

Arbor shakes her head and points at me. “Girl, you know there has to be more to it, right?”

I nod. “I know, but we’ve never talked about it. And then I heard rumors that he’d tried hooking up with Brit, and when I asked her about it, she said he had come on to her and she’d turned him down out of loyalty to me.”

Hearing myself say this out loud makes me feel embarrassed by how gullible I was and how I took her word for all of it despite knowing Beck more than anyone else did.

“When senior year came around, Beck and I didn’t even want to be in the same room. He came for his recruitment trip here with Casey, and once they committed to Walker, I didn’t feel like I belonged here because, honestly, I felt kind of left out. Casey and I used to be inseparable, and it seemed like he was choosing Beck over me. Which is totally stupid. They both wanted me to come to Walker, even if Beck didn’t say it. It had always been our plan.”

“So, that’s when Brit convinced you to go to State with her? When you were feeling like they were leaving you behind?” she asks.

“Yeah, but I never felt good about the decision. From the time I sent in my paperwork to State, it was like this dark cloud hung over me. And when we got to school, she basically ditched me for the girls she’d met when she rushed. When I went Phi Chi and she went Theta, I knew our time hanging out together was going to dwindle. And I didn’t like any of her friends anyway, but I also didn’t really connect with any of the girls in my house. Which was why I started making the trips down here to stay with Casey. I missed him—and Beck … even though I didn’t tell anyone that part.

“So, by the end of the school year, I knew I had to leave. Brit had been doing some sneaky shit too. She would take my clothes and then completely tricked me into thinking I’d lost them. But then I’d see one of her friends wearing something of mine, and I even found one of my sweaters in the back of one of her drawers. Not that I was snooping, but when I was packing to move out, I checked just to see where half my things had gone, and sure as shit, at least one was in her drawer. Oh, and she would guilt me into buying things for the room, like snacks, laundry supplies, you name it. She would use her mom’s single-parent status as a weapon to get me to feel bad for her for asking her mom for things. It was gross.”

There’s more to the story, like how depressed I got, but I’m embarrassed by the whole thing when I say it out loud.

“Okay, that is really gross. Well, I’m so glad you’re here and that we get to spend more time together. And I know our moms are happy you’re here. And besides, we have the very best house on campus.” She winks.

She’s not wrong. Our sorority house is not only huge, but it’s also gorgeous. The house is white brick with a wide front porch. There is a large eagle sitting in the front, which is our symbol. Inside, it has a beautiful foyer with meeting and common areas on either side. There’s a huge kitchen, which is stocked with snacks and drinks, and we have a cook who makes us three meals a day. Because I’m not living here right now, I don’t eat here very often, but I appreciate that it’s here when I need it. Much better than cafeteria food.

A large, winding staircase leads to the second floor where the rooms are, and there’s another set of stairs that lead up to a third floor with more rooms. My room, when it’s ready, will be on the third floor, but I’m hoping to move to the second floor before next semester. Room selection is based on GPA, and we have a mandatory GPA guideline as part of our bylaws. I’m doing well in my classes right now, so I don’t think it will be a problem.

But again … that means I’ll be away from Beck.

“But, Char, back to Beck. You need to talk to him. I’m not an expert in relationships, but what you guys have is special. Don’t lose it again.”

She gets up and comes over to the chair I’m sitting in. She grabs my hands and pulls me up into a hug.

“You’re right, Arbs. I know you are. I just don’t know how to start the conversation.”

“I mean, again, no expert here, but maybe naked?”

We both laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Lily comes into the room, backpack over her shoulder.

“Just telling Charlie to get Beck naked before they have a serious talk.” She starts laughing again and nudges my shoulder.

“Speaking of Beck, I need to get going. He’s picking me up here so we can run some errands.” I start packing my bag.

“But I just got back! Can’t you stay a little longer? I wanted to tell you about that guy I hooked up with last weekend.” She looks at me, her lip sticking out in a pout.

“I’m sorry, girl. We have to go get my parents an anniversary gift and pick up some things we’re running out of.”

Arbor is still standing next to me, and I give her another hug after I put my backpack over my shoulder. Then I walk over to Lily and give her a hug.

“We’ll hang out soon. And you’re coming to the game with me this weekend, right?”

“You know it. This is the last game before playoffs, right?” she asks.

“Yep, this game will give us the division championship, and we’ll move on toward the big show! OMG, can you imagine going to the national championship game? I want to see the guys hold that trophy!”

I feel like my heart skips, just thinking about it. All the guys have worked so hard this season. It hasn’t been easy. Living with them, I get to see all the injuries, aches, bruises. But they never really complain.

“Ladies, I’ll see you later.” I open the door, hold up my hand and wave, and shut the door as they both say goodbye.

Beckham

The sorority house is just a couple of blocks away, but instead of walking over to get Charlie, I drive so we can head out to get her parents a gift, and I also need to pick up a few things from the store.

I park outside the house, and when I see her walking down the front steps, I can’t help but smile. This girl lights up my world. I know her room must be close to being ready, but I don’t want her to leave my house. My bed. At this point, I might just try to convince her to stay anyway. The guys love having her around, too, so it just makes sense. Besides, it’s taken a lot longer than they anticipated to get her room ready, but I guess when you start banging around walls in an old house, you get a few surprises.

Charlie opens the door and hops up onto the seat. We lean into each other on instinct, and I brush my lips against hers.

“Hey,” she whispers.

“Hey, you. How was your study session with Arbor?” I reach over to grab the seat belt and buckle her in.

Her hands are raised, elbows bent, as she stares at me with a smile as I buckle her in.

“What?” I ask.

“Come here,” she says.

I smirk. “What? Why?”

“Because I have to tell you something. Now, come here.” She turns her body toward mine and wiggles her index finger toward her.

I lean in, and she wraps her hand around my neck and pulls me in for a kiss. She slips her tongue inside my mouth, twirling it around mine, and it makes me groan.

“I missed you too, Boss. Should we just go home instead?” I wiggle my eyebrows.

She giggles and pushes me away. “Beck, no. I will not let your body distract me. We need to get my parents something. They’ll be down here in two days, and we don’t have any other time to go. And you know Casey won’t go pick something out.”

“Hey, you started it. I was just giving you an alternative plan.”

I straighten up and slide back into my seat. Foot on the brakes, I shift the gear into drive. I look over my shoulder to make sure no traffic is coming and pull away from the curb.

The drive to the mall takes us on the highway, away from campus. I have the music on, yet it feels awfully quiet in here. I look over at Charlie.

“So, I know you want to go to that one home store with the fancy hardware stuff for a platter to engrave for your parents, but I need to run over to Target again. The rash guard the trainer uses has been making my skin break out, so I want to stop and get the kind I’ve always used.”

She’s playing with the hem of her T-shirt and looking out the window. “Okay, sounds good.”

“I don’t have a rash, but I like to use the rash guard under my shoulder pads and the back plate straps.”

There’s a country song playing that she likes. I make it louder, expecting a reaction from her. Instead, she just sighs a little as she looks off into space. I can tell when my girl has something on her mind.

I continue, only to gauge her distraction. “Some guys just wear a shirt under the pads, but it still rubs my skin raw. I’d like to prevent that from happening. Doesn’t feel too good.”

Taking my right hand off the wheel, I place it on her left knee and squeeze. She doesn’t look at me, but she places her hand over mine and links our fingers. I feel like there’s something she wants to say, but won’t. I’ll get it out of her by the end of this little shopping trip.

We park in a spot not too close to the entrance. I get out and swing around the front of the truck to her side.

I open the passenger door for her and reach over to unbuckle her. As I release the strap across her chest, the backs of my fingers graze her breasts.

“Beck,” she warns.

“Hmm? What, baby? Do you need something?” I smirk.

She just shakes her head and smiles.

There’s my girl.

I settle in close to her and lean against the doorframe. Brushing my fingers on her chin, I bring her face toward mine. “Hey. You okay? You’ve been kind of quiet.”

Her hand reaches up and takes hold of my wrist, but she doesn’t pull it away. “Yeah, I’m fine. I was just talking to Arbor about some things today, and it’s got me thinking, is all.”

Okay, now I’m on alert.

“What kinds of things? School stuff or something else?”

I don’t want to assume it’s about me, but I get this feeling in my gut that it is. My intuition isn’t usually wrong; it’s something I learned to trust at a young age. I had to protect myself and my sister.

“Beck, I think we need to talk.” She eyes me warily.

I know that tone. It’s the one she used when we broke up two years ago. “Oh, fuck no. I’m not doing this again.”

“No need to get defensive, Beckham. I just want to talk.”

“Fine,” I say as I run my hand through my hair. “ Charlene , what would you like to talk about?”

She scoffs. “See, this is why I didn’t want to say anything. It’s going to break this bubble that we’re in. But, Beck, I really think we need to discuss why we broke up. I think we have two different ideas about what happened, and I feel like, in order for us to move forward, we need to have the conversation.”

Her eyes are looking into mine, like she’s trying to read me. I’m really trying not to close off. My first response is to shut down and not talk. Which was how we got to where we were two years ago. My therapist told me it was okay to let people I trusted see who I was. And I do trust Charlie. It’s just that the stuff she needs to know, I’m not ready to talk about it.

Instead, I nod. “Okay, tell me what you think happened, and I’ll tell you what really happened.”

“Beck, I really don’t want to fight or upset either one of us. You keep saying things like I’m yours and we’re forever, and I believe you, but I can’t have this hanging over our heads. Can you? Do you really want to move forward together and have questions?” Her eyes are wide as she studies my face for a reaction.

“No, you’re right. But seriously, tell me what you think happened. I can already tell you that whatever Britney told you was a lie and not at all the truth.” To give her some comfort and show her I’m not mad, I hook a piece of hair that came out of her messy bun and tuck it behind her ear.

I can see her gathering courage to say what she needs to say.

“Okay, well, it was after you got back from football camp before school started our senior year.”

I nod, listening.

“And you left almost right after you got home, and you hadn’t told me where you were going, just said you had a family thing. I never questioned it because, well, I trusted you.”

I nod again.

“Britney was at my house and said she’d overheard you talking to my mom. She said it seemed like you were talking about a girl, and then she heard you say that you didn’t want me to know and you weren’t sure how to tell me.” She sighs.

“Then, when I asked you if you were cheating on me and wanted to break up, you completely blew me off with really no response other than, ‘If that’s what you want to believe, Charlene, then I guess you don’t know me at all.’ Then you left my house. So, I took your response as Brit telling the truth.

“Then, two weeks later, Angie James told me that you and Brit were all over each other at Mike Brown’s party. I couldn’t go because I’d gotten really sick—do you remember?” she asks.

“Yeah, I remember it all. But you didn’t really believe I’d hooked up with her, did you? I mean, baby, you knew I couldn’t stand her. And Angie was a liar too. She was always trying to stir shit up between you and Britney, too, because she was jealous that Brit was hanging out with you more than her.”

“Well, that’s what I thought, but when I asked Brit about it, she told me you had been coming over to her house after practice and hanging out. And then you tried hooking up with her at the party and she rejected you.” She takes a deep breath in and holds it, waiting for my reply.

“Okay, well, first of all, Brit was completely delusional. I never stepped foot in her house, and I sure as shit never made a move to hook up with her. So, that’s that, Boss. That’s the truth of it. She was jealous of you, and she lied to you. She took an opening that Angie had given her and ran with it.

“I hate to say this, but you know she only became friends with you because she liked Casey. She was after him hardcore. Brit was sending him tit pics, and … well, other pics, and he would ignore her. So, I guess she figured if she became friends with you, she could get closer to Casey. When that wasn’t happening, she got mad and turned her attention to me. And for the record, after the first tit pic she sent me, I blocked her ass.”

I’m completely avoiding giving her the whole truth, but I can’t bring myself to tell her about my mom yet. So, I’ll make it about Brit. Everything I’m saying is the truth, but it’s really just skimming the surface.

I did have a conversation that day with Carol, and it was about my mom. I did ask her not to tell Charlie because I needed to be the one to tell her. But that wasn’t what Brit heard or told Charlie. So, I let it fall apart, like a chickenshit.

“Charlie, the only thing you ever needed to know and believe was that I loved you.”

“If none of that was true, why didn’t you fight for me? Bang down my door and make me listen to the truth?”

Her words hit me like a sledgehammer.

“Why would I when you believed the worst about me?” I swallow and give her two years of pent-up emotion. “I hurt you by not being completely up front with you, but you destroyed me when you believed I’d betrayed you.”

“Beck,” she stutters, her bottom lip quivering as she comprehends my words.

Charlie takes three deep inhales and pats her thigh at the same time. The lock button on the car is nearby, so she leans forward and hits it three times for no apparent reason. Then she hits unlock. Three times.

Her eyes drop to her lap, and tears spill down her cheeks. “I lost two years with you because, deep down, I think I always felt what we had was too good to be true. It still feels like that. Even now. Makes me wonder if I try to sabotage it because I’m afraid I can’t control it.”

I take a step forward, lift my hands to her jaw, and wipe her tears with my thumbs. I will her gaze to look up into mine.

“I never fucking stopped loving you, Boss. Even when you ignored me or gave me sass. And even when you got together with that fucker, Tony. I mean, babe, seriously, he was a piss-poor replacement for yours truly.” I try to make the conversation lighter.

“Are you kidding me right now? I don’t even want to think about the girls you were with while I was gone last year! I bet you and Archie just traded girls. In his room one night, yours the next. Urgh, I can’t even.”

My hand is resting on the cushion behind her, and she tries to push me away, but I don’t let her.

“What are you talking about? I never fucked anyone else. Tempted a few times, sure?—”

“Spare me the details!” she cries.

“What I was saying was that I never got far with any girl who came on to me because she wasn’t you. I know you were with Tony, and it absolutely fucking tears me up to think about it. But that whole time, I couldn’t go through with fucking some random girl because none of them were you.” I slide my finger down her chin and tip her face up to look at me.

Tears are pooling in her eyes, and all I want to do is wipe them away. I told Casey I would have this conversation with her, but I still can’t get the words out that I need to say.

“Baby, let’s just put this behind us and move on. You heard me when I said I love you, right? I have never stopped loving you. I waited for you. I waited for you to come back to me. I knew it would happen, but you needed to be ready to let all of this go. Can you let it go now?” I plead.

Sniffling and wiping the tears that have fallen, she nods. “I love you too, Beck. I never stopped either. I’m just so mad at us now that we’ve talked about it. I think, deep down, I knew she was lying, but you had pulled away that summer, and I felt like what she’d said made sense. That you didn’t want to be with me, but didn’t know how to tell me. So stupid.” She pauses, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for doubting you, Beck. And I’m sorry for believing her. She drove a wedge between us and my family. I don’t know if you know this, but I wouldn’t speak to my mom for, like, two months after we broke up. She refused to tell me what you had told her. I was so mad, but you know my mom. Can’t stay mad at her for long.”

I nod, knowing already that Carol kept my secret. Even begged me to tell Charlie when they weren’t speaking. I think she pulled everything out of her arsenal to get Charlie back into her good graces. It made me feel guilty as hell.

Leaning in, I kiss her lips. I can taste the salt from her tears. I hate that I made her cry. I have never wanted—and never want—to be the cause of her tears.

Pulling back, I use my thumbs to wipe away the rest of her tears. “Let’s go home, baby.”

She nods and leans in to kiss me again. “Yeah, I’m not really in the mood to go shopping now. I’ll figure something out for my parents.”

With one last kiss, I close her door then walk around the front of my truck. My head is down, but I can feel her eyes on me. When I reach my door, I look up and give her a smile to let her know everything is okay. That we’re okay. For now.