Page 34 of Convincing Alex (Stanislaskis #4)

“What I did?” He jammed his hands into his pockets so he wouldn’t shove her back. “I’m the one who walked in and found her snuggled

up to that pretty-faced playwright.”

“You don’t know what you found.”

“Then why don’t you tell me?”

She’d die first. “You don’t know her at all, do you? You didn’t have a clue how lucky you were. She’s the most loving, most

generous, most unselfish person I’ve ever known. She’d have crawled through broken glass for you.” Afraid she’d do something

violent if she didn’t move, Lori began to pace. “I was so happy when she told me about you. I could see how much in love she

was. Really in love. She wasn’t just taking you under her wing until she could find someone for you.”

“Find someone for me?”

“What do you think she did with all those other men who were dazzled by her?” Lori tossed back. “Oh, she’d try to talk herself

into being in love, and thinking they loved her back, and the whole time she’d listen to their problems like some den mother.

Then she’d steer them in the direction of some woman she’d decided was perfect for them. She was usually right.”

“She was going to marry—”

“She was never going to marry anyone. Whenever she said yes, it was because she couldn’t bear to hurt anyone’s feelings. And,

okay, because she always wanted to have someone she could count on. But however loyal, however sensitive, she is to other

people’s feelings, she’s not stupid. She’d tell herself she was going to get married, then she’d go into overdrive finding

the guy a substitute.”

“Substitute? Why—?” But Lori wasn’t ready to let him get a word in.

“Not that she ever calculated it that way. But after you watched it happen a couple of times, you saw the pattern. But you...”

She whirled back to him. “You broke the pattern. She needed you. You made her cry.” Angry tears glazed Lori’s own eyes. “Not

once did I ever see her cry over any man. She’d just slip seamlessly into the my-pal-Bess category, and everyone was happy.

But she’s cried buckets over you.”

He felt sick, and small, and he was beginning to understand a great deal about groveling. “Tell me where she is. Please.”

“Why the hell should I?”

“I love her.”

She wanted to snarl at him for daring to say so, but she recognized the same misery in his eyes she’d seen in her friend’s.

“Charlie was—”

“No.” He shook his head quickly. “It doesn’t matter.” What did matter was trust, and it was time he gave it. “I don’t need

to know. I just need her.”

With a sigh, Lori fingered the square-cut diamond on her left hand. Bess had pushed her into taking the right step with Steven.

She could only hope she was doing the same in return. “If you hurt her again, Alex—”

“I won’t.” Then he sighed. “I don’t want to hurt her again, but I probably will.”

She weakened, because it was exactly the thing a man in love would say. “I sent her home. She wasn’t in any shape to work.”

“ Dyakuyu .”

“What?”

“Thanks.”

She hated feeling this way. The only way Bess could get from one day to the next was by telling herself it would get better.

It had to get better.

But she didn’t believe it.

She hadn’t had the heart to throw out the lilacs. She’d tried to. She’d even stood holding them over the trash can, weeping

like a fool. But the thought of parting with them had been too much. Now she tormented herself with the fragile scent whenever

she came downstairs.

She thought about taking a trip—anywhere. She certainly had the vacation time coming, but it didn’t seem fair to leave Lori

in the lurch, especially since Lori had added wedding plans to her work load.

A lot of good she was doing Lori, or the show, this way, she thought. But the problems of the people in Millbrook seemed terribly

petty when compared to hers. Too bad she couldn’t write herself out of this one, she thought, as she stood in the kitchen,

trying to talk herself into fixing something to eat.

Well, she’d certainly made the grade, Bess told herself, and pressed her fingers against her swollen eyes. She’d fallen in

love and had her heart broken. Great research for the next troubled relationship she invented for the television audience.

The hell with food. She was going to go up to bed and will herself to sleep. Tomorrow she would find some way to put her life

back together.

When she stepped out of the kitchen, what was left of her life shattered at her feet.

He was standing by the table, one hand brushing over the lilacs. All he did was look at her, turn his head and look, and she

nearly crumpled to her knees.

“What are you doing here?” The pain made her voice razor-sharp.

“I still have my key.” He lowered his hand slowly. Her eyes were still puffy from her last bout of tears, and there were smudges

of fatigue under them. Nothing that had been said to him, nothing he’d said to himself, had lashed more sharply.

“You didn’t have to bring it by.” If composure was all she had left, she would cling to it. “You could have dropped it in

the mail. But thanks.” Her smile was so cold it hurt her jaw. “If that’s all, I’m in a hurry. I was just on my way up to change

before I go out.”

“You can’t look at me when you lie.” He said it half to himself, remembering how her eyes had drifted away from his face when

she said she didn’t love him.

She forced her gaze back to his, held it steady. “What do you want, Alexi?”

“A great many things. Maybe too many things. But first, for you to forgive me.”

Her face crumpled at that. She put a hand up to cover it, knowing it was too late. “Leave me alone.”

“ Milaya, let me—”

“Don’t.” She cringed away, crossing her arms over herself in self-defense, and his hands stopped an inch away. There was an

odd catch in his breath as he drew them back and let them fall to his sides.

“I won’t touch you.” His voice was quiet and strained. “Please, let me say what I’ve come to say.”

“What else could there be?” She turned away. “I know what you think of me. You made that clear.”

“What I did was hurt you and make a fool of myself.”

“Oh, yes, you hurt me.” She was still trembling from it. “But not just that last time. You hurt me every time you pulled back

when I needed to tell you how much I loved you. I thought, I won’t let it matter, because he’ll have to see it. God, he’ll

have to see it, because it’s right there every time I look at him. Every time I think about him. And he loves me. He wants

me. In my whole life, no one wanted me. Not really.”

“Bess.”

She jerked away from his hands. “My parents,” she began, turning back. “How many times I heard them say to each other, ‘Where

did she come from?’ As if I was some stray pet that had wandered in by mistake.”

When she began to roam the room, her shoulders still hunched protectively, he said nothing. How could he tell her he was sorry

he’d opened up old wounds, and sorry, as well, that it had taken that to have her reveal those smothered feelings to him?

“I handled it.” Those stiff shoulders jerked as she tried to shrug it off. “What else could I do? It wasn’t their fault, really.

They’ve always been so perfect, in their way, and I could never be. Not for them. Not even for you.”

“Do you think that’s what I want?”

She glanced back then. The tears had dried up. There was no point in them. “I don’t know what you want, Alexi. I only know

it keeps circling around. I went from my parents into school. Those awful teenage years, when all the girls were so bright

and pretty, and falling in and out of love. No one wanted me. Oh, I had friends. Somewhere along the line I’d learned that

if you didn’t try so hard, if you just relaxed and acted naturally, that there were a lot of people who’d like you for what

you were. But there was never anyone to love. There has never been anybody to love until you.”

“There’s never going to be anyone else.” He waited until she turned back. “I love you, Bess. Please, give me another chance.”

“It won’t work.” She rubbed at her drying tears with the heel of her hand. “I thought it would, I wanted it to. I was so sure

love would be enough. But it’s not. Not without hope. Certainly not without faith.”

The calm way she said it had panic streaking through him. “Do you want me to crawl?” He ignored her defensive retreat and

gripped her arms. “Then I will. You’re not going to push me out of your life because I was stupid, because I was afraid. I

won’t let you.”

Was this how a man crawled? she wondered. With his eyes flashing fire and his voice booming? “And the next time you see me

kissing an old friend?”

“I won’t care.” With a sound of disgust, he released her to stalk the room. “I will care. I’ll kill the next one who touches

you.”

“Then New York would be littered with bodies.” It should be funny, she thought. Why wasn’t it funny? “I can’t change what

I am for you, Alexi. I wouldn’t ask you to change for me.”

“No, you wouldn’t.” He scrubbed his hands over his face and struggled to find some balance. “I know a kiss between friends

is harmless, Bess. I’m not quite that big a fool. But the other night, when I walked in—”

“You assumed I was betraying you.”

“I don’t know what I assumed.” It was as honest as he could get. “When I saw you, I felt... It was all feeling,” he said

carefully. “So I didn’t think. In my heart, in my head, I know better than to assume anything. One of my own rules that I

broke. There were reasons.” Calmer now, he walked back and took her hands. “We’d just finished the bust, and I was wired from

it. I knew I’d tell you about it, all about it. I’d gone beyond trying to separate that part of my life—any part of it—from

you. It was going to upset you to think about it, because of Rosalie. I knew that, too. Damn it, I knew you’d gone to that

funeral alone, and I felt like the lowest kind of creep for letting you.”

He was prying her heart open again, inch by inch. “I didn’t think you knew.”

“I knew.” His voice was flat. All he could think was how desperately he wanted to hold her. “You leave notes everywhere. All