Page 48 of Coercion

This marriage is temporary. Our time together is temporary.

“Your parents died…” She says quietly, hesitantly.

My eyes snap to hers and for a second, something violent seizes me. “Yes,” I reply almost coldly because, unlike her, I’ve never mourned their death, never felt the need to.

“Do you, did you…” She sniffs, looking like she’s afraid to finish whatever sentence she’s trying to get out. “You moved on?”

I draw in a deep breath, taking her hand and pulling her to me. She gulps as she lets me guide her out of this space.

“They died a long time ago.” I state. “And in entirely different circumstances to yours.”

“But it wasn’t…” She pauses, glancing at me then away.

I don’t know what she’s heard, I don’t know if it’s merely rumours because let’s face it, there are enough of them, but she’s clearly trying to reach out, to understand me, and some selfish part of me likes it.

I want her to know me, to see me, to understand the man and not just the image I project.

But that’s dangerous too. I like having distance between me and everyone else, and yet the idea of Ruby knowing my secrets, of knowing my very soul and not flinching when she looks at me – yeah I’m a fucking fool to want that, to crave it.

“Do you really want to know, Ruby?” I ask.

She chews her lip, nodding. “Tell me.”

“Fine,” I grip her hand, ensuring that for the moment, she won’t turn and flee, that she’s forced to hear my secret, to understand exactly what happened that day, exactly who I am. “I killed my father.” I state. “He was a Capo for Nico’s father and he was a rat, he was betraying Nico’s parents, passing information to the Feds.”

She shudders but she keeps her eyes fixed on me, and for that alone, I admire her. She could easily shy away, let her fear override her thoughts but she doesn’t, under that exterior, Ruby has got some guts.

“He used to beat my mother up, come home drunk, take out his rage on her.” I explain. “He’d beat me to when I was stupid enough to stand in his way and yet she stood by him, despite his treachery.”

“But you killed him?” She says, still obviously shocked.

I shrug back, my lips curling into a smirk because I won’t apologise for it, I don’t feel guilt, remorse, I’ve never second guessed my actions – I knew what I was doing, even as a twelve year old pulling the trigger. “The bastard deserved it.” I state. “Anyone who snitches deserves what they get.”

She swallows, trembling just a little, and I wonder if I’ve gone too far. I didn’t mean to scare her, I didn’t mean to turn this into a conversation about me when she was clearly taking a moment to grieve her own loss.

“Are you hungry?” I ask.

She nods.

“Let’s eat then,” I say, leading her down the stairs. She needs to be fattened up and food right now is as good a distraction as anything else.

Ruby

He left with the sunrise. I guess I can’t expect him to spend all his time with me and, considering he spent the entirety of yesterday afternoon and all evening here, I can hardly complain. Compared to the last week, he’s spoilt me with his attention.

While he’s gone, I take the opportunity to have all my supposed belongings that are currently downstairs taken away. I have Sidney send them to a charity shop. I don’t want them in the house. I don’t want them anywhere near me.

I still haven’t dared to retrieve the phone. Maybe in a few weeks, once Preston trusts me more, I can sneak it out and drop it into the river, or better, leave it on a park bench and let some stranger find it. Maybe Gunner will message them, maybe they’ll fuck with him for a bit.

I smirk at the notion. Yeah that would be some good comeuppance, him thinking it’s me and some complete weirdo stringing him along.

But Preston’s words from yesterday repeat in my head, that he killed his own father, murdered him because he was a snitch – if he can do that to his own flesh and blood, what would he do to me? I don’t want to think about it but the thought scares me shitless all the same and it cements the belief that I can’t do it, I absolutely cannot betray him.

For a second I consider confessing the truth, telling him exactly what Gunnar wants me to do and begging for mercy but I know that’s madness.

Preston won’t show me mercy, he killed his own father for godsake, even if I haven’t done anything wrong, he won’t believe me.

He’ll see me exactly as everyone else sees me; cannon fodder. Expendable.