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I grimace as Briar’s words strike that raw, exposed nerve ending, the truth of her observation lancing straight through me like a serrated blade. She shouldn’t be so understanding, so willing to absolve my unforgivable transgressions after the hell I’ve just put her through. Briar should despise me, unleash the full brunt of her hatred and fury until I’m left a shattered, hollow husk adrift in its wake.

Yet she doesn’t—and that cuts far deeper than any hatred or scorn ever could.

I swallow hard, Adam’s apple bobbing convulsively as I rake a trembling hand back through my hair. What’s the point in even attempting to deny it, though? We both know the bitter truth hanging suspended in this charged space between us.

Fuck, I can’t…

Words wither on my tongue, shrivelling up before I can give them any tangible shape. My throat works uselessly, chest heaving with the strain of those unsaid admissions until Briar’s gentle murmur breaks through the tempest swirling in my skull.

“…”

Briar’s softly murmured cadence slices through the haze, that single utterance somehow eclipsing everything else until it’s all I can focus on. Slowly, inch by agonising inch, I drag my gaze up from its fixed point on the hardwood between my boots to meet her searching look head-on.

Christ, she looks so… broken. So brutally ravaged, abdomen and hips criss-crossed with thick swathes of pristine white gauze stained crimson around the edges, some lacerations untended and still weeping sluggishly. Every laboured rise and fall of those lush curves is a reminder of the depravity she’s endured here.

Because of me.

Because I’m an utterly worthless piece of shite who folded under the slightest pressure, prioritising self-preservation over shielding her from these fucking rites.

“. Please…” Briar’s tone takes on a firmer edge now, one that brokers no further argument or evasiveness. “Come back over here.”

It takes every ounce of flagging resolve to tear my haunted stare away from those gauze-swathed badges of shame and meet her eyes again. Briar pins me in place with an unwavering look that brooks no argument, daring me to defy the gentle command.

I lick my lips in a nervous tell, the muscle darting out to wet suddenly parched skin while tremors wrack up and down my arms. But I can’t resist the gravity of her pull any longer, feet propelling me a stumbling half-step closer to the edge of the bed.

Then another.

And another still, gradually closing that unbridgeable chasm separating us.

Until I’m near enough for the scent of Briar’s skin to wash over me in a heady, intoxicating blend of vanilla and caramel. Until my knees brush against the edge of the mattress, shaking like a newborn calf struggling to find its footing for the first time.

Briar reaches out, smooth fingertips grazing over my knuckles with a tenderness that sears through my flesh down to the very marrow of my bones. She tugs gently, a silent beckoning to follow, guiding me down to sink into the plush mattress while shifting backwards into the cradle of rumpled pillows.

I comply without a second thought, allowing that tenuous grip to become my solitary tether as I sprawl in a graceless heap beside Briar’s outstretched form. She settles back against the pillows, slipping her legs beneath the duvet as her head lolls to one side, patting the space beside her in open invitation.

“Lay down,” she murmurs, voice pitched low as if coaxing an easily startled animal. “Let me hold you for a bit, yeah?”

A strangled noise catches in my throat at the suggestion, one part incredulous scoff and two parts visceral denial. Briar can’t possibly want to embrace this shattered, hollow husk I’ve become. Not after the atrocities she’s endured because of my gutless compliance and unwavering adherence to this sadistic depravity. I’d sooner let myself disintegrate into the aether than inflict further trauma by baring the ugliness gnawing at my core.

As if sensing my reluctance, Briar levels me with a pointed look that leaves no room for dissent or protestation.

With a bone-deep sigh of resignation, I ease down onto my side, allowing gravity to carry the motion until my cheek comes to rest pillowed atop the gentle swell of Briar’s chest. My gaze remains fixed on the fresh bandaging peeking out from beneath the blankets, tracing every swathe of pristine white gauze standing in stark contrast to the mottled canvas of blemished skin.

The first hesitant drag of Briar’s nails stroking through my hair is like a shot of pure lightning straight to my nervous system, every over sensitised nerve ending jolting alive with renewed vigour. My spine stiffens instinctively, muscles coiling taut before she simply repeats the feather-light caress in a continuous loop. Gradually, the rigid line of my shoulders loosens incrementally with each cathartic stroke, allowing the tension to bleed from my frame one vertebrae at a time.

“It’s not your fault, you know.” Briar’s lips brush the crown of my head as she speaks, the susurration ghosting warmly against my scalp. “None of this is on you, babe.”

The words hang crystalline between us, cleaving straight through the last tattered remnants of my resolve in one fell swoop. A snort of acrid derision rumbles up from the depths of my chest before I can contain the visceral reaction.

“Don’t fucking kid yourself, srdie?ko,” I rasp out, the words hitting the air with all the ragged bite of gravel grating underfoot. Rolling my shoulder, I prop myself up on an elbow to glower down at her crumpled features in the dim lighting. “You and I both know goddamn well this shiteshow falls squarely on my shoulders, so quit trying to offer absolution where none is due.”

Pursing my lips, I shake my head in a vain attempt to dispel the fresh surge of self-loathing swirling through my veins like viscous poison. I rake a hand through my hair again, dishevelling the dark strands until they tumble in wild disarray across my brow.

“I should have… done something, anything to stop this before it even began,” I bite out, the words laced with a bitterness that sours my tongue. “Instead of meekly obeying these sadistic Edicts like some good little lapdog, eager to please his masters. I could have told Hansley to go fuck herself, taken whatever punishment they deemed fit rather than… rather than subjecting you to… this…”

By the time my tirade trails off, my chest heaves with every ragged inhale, shoulders rising and falling in sharp staccato bursts. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I squeeze my eyes shut in a futile effort at staving off the encroaching onslaught of self-recrimination.

Because lancing this particular wound only serves to fester the seething disease within me. No matter how much of my soul I try to purge and atone for, that hollowed vacancy will remain. A yawning abyss that not even Briar’s softness and compassion can hope to fill, no amount of gentle reassurances able to suture the void left by my complacency.

I fucking failed her. Plain and simple.

“Hey, none of that regret shite, yeah?” Briar admonishes without any real bite, fingers resuming their soothing trail through my hair. “Beating yourself up over could’ves and should’ves won’t change a damn thing about what’s already happened, . It is what it is at this point.”

A shuddering breath rattles from the depths of my chest as Briar’s soft murmur reaches past the loop of recriminations echoing in my skull. Dragging my knuckle beneath stinging eyelids, I allow her gentle tones to slowly filter through the chaos roaring between my ears.

Pursing my lips into a taut line, I expel a ragged sigh that borders on a growl of frustration. Easy for her to spout that sort of aimless platitude when she hasn’t the faintest goddamn clue about how deep this shite truly runs. When she’s been kept wilfully blind to the full scope of this demented charade.

All to test the full measure of my loyalty to the Order…

The thought alone is enough to curdle the blood in my veins, a fresh swell of nausea roiling up from the pit of my gut. Before I can swallow back the bitter surge, Briar continues in that same gently chastising tone.

“Besides, it’s not like I didn’t get fair warning well beforehand about how fucked up that Trial was gonna be.” A wry chuckle slips from her, the sound laced with rueful amusement rather than any genuine mirth. “Fuck, I count myself lucky in a way—at least I was given to four blokes who actually seem to give a toss, rather than some sadistic prick who’d off me without a second thought.”

The words hit home with the force of a sledgehammer slamming into my solar plexus, every molecule of air in my lungs wheezing out in an agonised exhale. For a moment, all I can see is a rapid strobe of kaleidoscope images flashing behind my lids—a jumbled reel of Briar’s lifeless body sprawled at my feet, glassy eyes left unseeing after I’ve taken everything in a ruthless display of obedience.

Christ, how in the bloody fuck am I supposed to tell her?

How do I explain that her sheltered existence here, cloistered away in this gilded prison and placed under our supposed ‘protection’, is merely a fleeting grace period? That no matter how despicable this becomes, it’s a far kinder fate than what the Order truly has in store for her once her usefulness has been exhausted?

“?” Her soft lilt slips beneath the frantic gallop of my pulse thudding in my ears, fingertips whisper-light as they drift across my temple in a soothing caress. “, babe, what’s going on in that head of yours? Talk to me…”

A strangled whine lodges in my throat at the heartbreaking earnestness in Briar’s tone—like she genuinely believes I’m even capable of helping to dismantle this clusterfuck before the hammer inevitably drops. Before it all comes crashing down in a catastrophic implosion, leaving nothing but death and ruin scattered in its wake.

Squeezing my eyelids shut, I suck in a fortifying breath through my nose in a vain attempt at steadying myself for the cataclysmic upheaval looming on the horizon. But no sooner do my lungs fill to capacity than an errant tear slips past my lashline, scalding a burning trail down my cheek to splash against the swell of Briar’s breast.

The tenuous grasp I’d managed to cling to by my fingertips promptly splinters apart, each carefully reconstructed barrier and defence mechanism crumbling until there’s nothing left but raw, exposed nerve endings laid bare. Because how the fuck am I meant to sit here and let Briar try to soothe away something she can’t? When the Order’s indelible brand is already seared into my marrow, dictating every breath I take?

“I can’t… I can’t do this,” I croak hoarsely, every syllable tasting of ash and bitter defeat on my tongue. Already, I can feel the foundations of my resolve splintering apart, unable to shoulder the Sisyphean burden any longer.

With a grunt of exertion, I brace both palms against the mattress and heave myself upright—to roll away before this unseemly display compounds the shame knotting in my chest. Heaving like I’ve just run a goddamn gauntlet, I claw trembling fingers back through my hair and twist away to avoid those concerned, questioning eyes seeking mine out.

Because a single look is all it would take to shatter me completely.

Briar’s slender fingers cinch around my shirtsleeve, halting the retreat before it can properly commence. Her grip is deceptively strong, tugging with firm insistence until my cheek slams into the softness of her sternum.

A pained hiss escapes Briar at the jarring impact, sending a renewed surge of self-loathing lancing through me. Fuck, even attempting to extract myself only piles on the hurt spiralling outward from my shattered nucleus. I’m the embodiment of everything toxic and corrosive, a malignant presence destined to corrupt and defile any innocence within reach until only barren wastelands remain.

“Please… l-let me go,” I croak out, the broken cadence emerging as little more than a hoarse rasp. “Don’t… don’t make me taint you too, Briar… fuck, please. Please, just let me go…”

The pleas tumble uninhibited from my lips, each one carrying more desperation than the last. If I can’t escape this gilded cage, extricate myself from the devastation rippling outward in concentric waves, then I’ll simply drown amidst the churning riptide. Surely that’s a mercy compared to enduring whatever depraved acts are yet to come, whatever final insult my loyalty will be tested against before the end.

“, for fuck’s sake,” she snaps, patience clearly wearing thin. “You need to quit shutting me out every goddamn time things get heavy and just be a fucking human being for five minutes.”

And just like that, the dam simply crumbles to rubble around me. Every ounce of willpower gutters and extinguishes in a puff of smoke, leaving me stripped bare and raw to the anguished realities swirling in its wake. Shudders wrack my frame as the first piteous whimpers tear free, quickly devolving into racking sobs that shake me to the very foundations.

“Briar, I… I’m s-so fucking sorry.”

Powerless to stem the tide, I let the tears come unhindered—a torrent of salt and shame scorching fresh trails across my face. They pool and puddle against Briar’s bare skin, sluicing down her chest until we’re both drenched in the remnants of my shattered ego.

Every ounce of hurt and torment rips free on a cathartic exhalation, too many years of conditioning and detachment shredding into nothingness. Until the darkness seeps into every fissure, leaving only the hollow, fractured vestiges of personhood in its wake.