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CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

NICO

A m I really going to do this?

Nico’s heart was pounding so heavy and with so much force, she felt as though at any moment it would suddenly explode from her chest and land splat on the floor.

Yes, you’re going to do this. You have to. You have to at least try.

They’d done dismally since coming back. In some of the races, neither one of them had even finished because they’d both crashed.

She would say that they were back to where they were when they first began the season.

But that wasn’t true. They didn’t glare at each other and fight.

They didn’t even look at each other. And they didn’t talk at all.

The atmosphere felt heavy as though an ominous dark cloud hovered over the entire team, threatening a storm that never came.

Nico had decided that the only way to rid themselves of it was for the storm to break, even if she was the one who had to make it break.

Nico was worried they might not earn a single point in all the remaining races combined, not to mention Rocco blowing his shot at winning the trophy.

If they kept going the way they were, the outcome might be even worse for her. She might be let go. If that happened, she feared no one on the circuit would be willing to take a chance on her again. Her dream of being an F1 driver would be over.

She could not let that happen. Would not let that happen. She had to do everything and anything within her power to stop it from happening.

She glanced at the clock as she paced the length of the room and back, trying to walk off her nerves. It was Barcelona all over again. Only this time, there would be no Casey.

None of this should surprise you. You knew that kind of happiness couldn’t last. He was going to find out eventually. You can’t be with a person—really be with a person—and keep your entire past from them.

She could never be a part of his life, a part of his family. They could never accept her once they knew, just like he couldn’t. And she didn’t blame them. She didn’t blame him.

You always knew it wasn’t possible. It would never happen for you—a normal relationship, a normal life. Not for someone like you.

She jumped at the sound of his voice.

“Where’s Casey?” he demanded.

Nico rushed to the door and slammed it shut.

“He’s not coming.”

“Bobby told me he wanted to talk to me—us.”

She shook her head. “I just told Bobby to tell you that to get you up here. You’re not leaving until you hear me out.”

“I’ve already told you, I don’t want to hear anything from you. What makes you think I’d believe anything you have to say?”

Her throat was so tight, she found it difficult to swallow.

She had told herself she would look him in the eye and force him to do the same.

But now, hearing his voice and seeing that cold look in his eye, she couldn’t bring herself to.

It was a good thing the floor was made of tile, simple white tile with no fancy designs.

She could stare at it as she spoke without getting dizzy.

She cleared her throat. “It doesn’t have anything to do with matters outside racing.

I know that’s over, and I’ve accepted it.

But what I can’t accept is you fucking up on the racetrack like you have been ever since we came back.

You may not be able to trust me in your life off the track.

Okay. I understand that. I can accept that.

But what I can’t accept is you doubting me as a driver and your teammate.

I had to work just as hard as you to get here.

In fact, I probably had to work harder.”

“Spare me!”

That sparked anger in her, and she looked up.

“Are you really that dense? Did it escape your notice that I gave you an opening out there, blocking three cars so that you could pass through? You could have been up on that podium—should have been up there.”

“I don’t need you to win a race. So, don’t do me any favors and get away from that door! Now!”

Looking at him, Nico thought that he might push her away, but she stood her ground.

“I’m not saying you need me to win a race.

It should be obvious you don’t, given you’ve done it before.

And don’t go thinking I was doing you any favors.

I wasn’t being selfless, just realistic.

It’s my rookie year. I don’t have a shot at that championship.

Not this year. But you do. So stop pouting and do something about it. ”

“I’m not pouting, and I am doing something about it.”

“What you’re doing is losing any shot at that championship. You’ve been doing it ever since we came back. And while you’re at it, you’ve been undermining me as well. But then maybe that’s the point.”

“What does that mean?”

“Look, I’m not saying you should think of me.

I wouldn’t expect you to. But think about your family—your parents and grandparents, who’ve done everything they can to get you to where you are.

Think about Sofia and Beatrice and how much they look up to their uncle Rocco.

You shouldn’t be trying to find ways to disappoint them.

You may be an annoying, arrogant, asshole, prick.

Hell, you’ve mastered the art. But you are an annoying, arrogant, asshole, prick who can drive better than anyone else out there! ”

She opened the door and then paused as she was walking through it.

Should she say it? Damn it, she would.

“You may feel like you can’t trust me just like you can’t trust Carolyn.

But there’s a difference between me and her.

I want you to win. Not for you—you annoying, arrogant, asshole, prick—but for your family.

You don’t know how lucky you are. It’s not all about you, Rocco.

You wouldn’t be here without them, and I’ve got news for you, the world and everything in it doesn’t revolve around you.

Your head is big enough. If it gets any bigger, you’ll be like the little prince, and it won’t fit in the damn car. ”

She heard something. Was he laughing?

“I can’t believe you just said that.”

She sighed, bit her lip. “I can’t believe it either. I don’t know where that came from.”

Suddenly she was laughing too.

But once they’d stopped, she drew a deep breath. She felt as though she were going to cry. She felt how very badly she wanted to.

Exit stage right. Now.

She kept her head averted. She couldn’t trust herself to look at him.

“Okay, well.” She swallowed, doing her best to sound businesslike. “I think you get what I’m saying.”

“Yes.”

His voice wasn’t cold. It wasn’t harsh. It was … what?

Tender?

No. Not tender.

Do not go there.

She quickly left the room, running down the stairs and out of the paddock.

It had gone well. Better than she’d expected.

I wish I was stronger , she thought, keeping her head down and wiping her eyes. I wish I had it in me to walk out of the room holding my head high instead of running like a scared rabbit . What was she so afraid of?

You know.

She was afraid her face would betray her. That he was still written all over it. That if she’d stayed just a little bit longer, he’d see it—the way she felt about him, the way she still felt about him even knowing he no longer felt the same way about her.

She drew a deep breath.

She needed to think of him as a teammate and nothing more.

And she needed to do something else.

She’d do it when they raced at Imola in Emilia-Romagna. It was only a few hours away. That would be her last chance before the final race of the season. After that, she might not get another one.