“Dinner was great, Momma.” Beau leans back in his seat, rubbing his hand across his stomach for good measure.

“Thank you, baby.” Momma plants a kiss on Beau’s forehead as she reaches over his shoulder, grabbing his now-empty plate off the table.

I continue pushing my food around my plate, having almost completely lost my appetite. Although dinners used to be a very loud affair in our family, tonight, a somberness has settled over all of us.

“Are you going to eat or play with that all night, Cole?” Momma asks, giving my shoulder a squeeze as she goes by.

“I’m not that hungry, but what I ate was good… for lasagna.”

“For lasagna? How could you not like the greatest dish known to man, especially when our momma made it?” Beau chuckles, leaning back in his seat and rubbing a hand across his distended belly.

I could say something about his eating habits, but that seems way too much like something Cooper would say, so I just answer his question instead. “Because it’s messy, and the noodles, no matter what anyone does, are always soggy for the sauce. Don’t even get me started on the large chunks of tomatoes.”

“You know your brother has always hated anything that has a sauce, no matter what’s in it,” Momma chimes in. “I remember he wouldn’t even put ketchup on his burger.”

Momma’s right. It’s another thing Alise and I would commiserate about when we were younger. Alise has more of an issue processing what is going around her without getting overwhelmed, and I’ve always had an aversion to foods with certain textures and conditions. For instance, I can’t eat a tomato, but I use ketchup. However, I never put it on anything because it makes the bread soggy, but I can dip french fries into it, no problem. Yes, I know it makes zero sense to someone who doesn’t have that issue, but to me, it means everything. I remember when I was younger, Momma feared I’d be malnourished, but as I got older, we found a way around it.

“It’s not the sauce, Momma. It’s the texture of everything together that gets to me. I love ketchup for dipping, but never put it on anything like a burger.”

“My mistake, honey,” Momma whispers, before turning back toward the sink. “Why don’t you boys head out to the game? I’ll have dessert ready for you two when you get back.”

“We? I wasn’t aware that we were going anywhere.” I groan, leaning back in the chair.

The last thing I want to do right now is leave the house. Although my mood has definitely stabilized after almost attacking someone in my room earlier, I don’t trust myself to be out in public, where anything could set me off.

“Didn’t Momma tell you I had something to chat with you about?”

“She did, but I figured we already got that out of the way before dinner.”

What the hell could Beau need to talk to me about? I still have no idea what I’m going to do about the Timberwolves offer, not that I really know what it even is. I need to call Remy back and apologize for losing my cool. I’ll listen to everything he has to say and then politely and firmly tell him no. No matter how insane the offer is, there has to be a team somewhere that’s willing to pay top dollar for me, even to ride the bench. Anything is better than being a Timberwolf. Anything.

“Not even close, brother. Not even close.” Beau chuckles, pushing to his feet and stretching his arms above his head.“You aren’t getting rid of me just yet.”

“Fine, but we aren’t going anywhere until we do the dishes,” I respond, grabbing my plate and pushing back from the table. “Rules are rules.”

“It’s okay, my sweet boy. I can wash a few pots and load the dishwasher, but don’t get used to it,” Momma responds, not bothering to turn around and look at either of us.

Something is off. Momma never, and I mean never, does the dinner dishes. The rule in this house has always been that the cook doesn’t do dishes. It’s one of the main reasons we all learned to cook, so for at least one night a week, we weren’t subject to dish duty.

“But Momma…” I head toward her but feel Beau’s hand on my shoulder, pulling me to a stop.

“Let this one go, Cole.”

I stare at Momma for a few more moments, wondering what happened suddenly, but come up empty. Is she scared of me? Afraid to be alone in the house with her own son? I can’t say I blame her if she is.

Maybe I can get a room somewhere for the night and give her some space. I could call Alise, but there’s no way I’ll get away without having to explain why I suddenly want to hang out with her after being in town for eight weeks and never picking up the phone to call her. Does she even have her own place here in Redwood Falls, or is she still living with Auntie Peggy? Either way, it’s a bad idea. That leaves going to stay in the city with Beau or getting a room at the bed-and-breakfast here in town. I do not want to take the chance of running into Cooper, so the bed-and-breakfast it is. It’ll only be for a few days.

“If you’re sure, Momma.” I plant a kiss on the top of her head, pulling her into my chest. I expect her to jump at my touch or even shy away from it, but she does the opposite. Momma turns in my arms, wrapping both of hers around my waist and burying her nose in my chest.

“It’s so good to have you home.” Her voice cracks slightly as she pulls back, tears pooling in her eyes. “Now, go have fun with your brother. I promise to have snickerdoodles ready for you.”

My mind is reeling at the tears in her eyes, but I don’t have the strength to ask her why she’s crying. “Love you, Momma.”

“Love you, too, sweet boy. Always have and always will.”

“Even when I’m being an out-of-control asshole?” I question, causing her to smack me hard in the center of the chest.

A small giggle escapes from her lips before she schools her features into a stern mask.“Language, Cole Hendix. I know you haven’t been home in a while, but swearing still doesn’t fly here.”

“Sorry, Momma.”

“But the answer is yes. I still love you, even when you’re being an out-of-control asshole.”

“Momma, language!” Beau shouts from beside us, wrapping his arm around both of us in a tight hug.“I feel like I should say asshole just to be one of the cool kids.”

Momma opens her mouth to chastise him, but he places a finger on her lips. “I know, language.”

Momma swats at his hand, narrowing her eyes at both of us before stepping out of our group embrace. “Get out of my kitchen before I change my mind about those snickerdoodles.”

“Don’t have to tell us twice. Let's get out of here, Cole. We have a lacrosse game to attend.” Beau wraps his arm around my neck and pulls me out of the kitchen toward the front door.

“When did you start giving a crap about any sport besides hockey?” I ask, trying to pull from his grasp and failing. It’s my shoulder. I don’t want to risk tearing something again by trying too hard to get away from my brother. One wrong turn could set all my progress back weeks. It has nothing to do with the fact that Beau’s grip is much stronger than the average person’s.

“When my little brother decided to play lacrosse during the off-season. He wants to make the varsity team at the high school next year. Be the first freshman in history to manage that since the three of us went through there.”

“Remy said something about you taking part in some giving back to the community crap Cooper came up with to ease his conscience.”

The Big Brother Big Sister program’s goal is to help children achieve success in school, avoid risky behaviors, and improve their self-confidence. It’s the perfect place for kids to find themselves and get a little direction from an adult. Man, I wish Momma had thought to put me into something like this after Dad died. Maybe things would have turned out a little different for me because all I had was Cooper, and he’s the last person I would confide in for anything.

“You need to cut Copper some slack, bro. He’s been carrying a lot more on his shoulders than any of us could’ve imagined.”

I sigh loudly, not wanting to get into a conflict with Beau. We have a tentative peace for now, and it’s kind of nice. Maybe I can work a little harder to keep it going. So, instead of making another crack about Cooper and his publicity stunts, I change the subject to safer territory. “Kyle didn’t make varsity?”

“He didn’t even go to tryouts and was automatically put on the Junior Varsity team, but only after Copper made a phone call.” Beau holds open the door and makes a show of ushering me out the door.

“Surprised he didn’t demand he be made a starter.” I chuckle, but I don’t step out the door. “Before we go, I need to grab some stuff from my room. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Cooper would never do that. Besides, it was his fault Kyle didn’t go to tryouts in the first place.” Beau pushes the door shut and hustles down the hall after me.

“You don’t need anything but your winning smile.”

I roll my eyes at him before making my way down to my room at the end of the hall. Growing up, this was Cooper’s room. It was the biggest out of the five in the house, had the best view of the mountains, and its own bathroom. I remember when Momma switched mine and Cooper’s room when I turned sixteen, making the excuse that I needed more space, but we all knew that had nothing to do with it. She was bribing me, hoping I would stay. Even then, I had one foot out of the door, whether it was to go to college on the other side of the state or to play professional hockey.

“I’m not trying to duck out on you, Beau. I’ll go to the stupid lacrosse game with you. I just need to grab a bag and some stuff for tomorrow.”

“Huh?” Beau pushes in front of me, blocking me from opening the door. “Got a hot date you didn’t tell your big brother about?”

Crossing my arms over my chest, I stare at him. “Move, Beau. And no, I don’t have a hot date. Not that my dating status is any of your business, but now I'm going to get a room at the bed-and-breakfast in town for the night.”

Beau cocks his head to the side, his eyes scanning my face like he’s trying to solve a complex puzzle. “Why? Momma promised us snickerdoodles after the game. Snickerdoodles , Cole.”

Much like all my brothers, I have a soft spot for Momma’s baking, especially her snickerdoodles. “I’ll be here after the game so you can have some of your precious cookies. I just don’t want Momma to be uncomfortable.”

After everything that happened earlier and how awkward dinner was, I knew something was up. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Momma was fine when I hugged her, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t still leery of me being in the house.

“Why would she be uncomfortable in her own house?”

He can’t be serious. “You are so fucking dense, Beau.”

“No, I know exactly what your dumb ass is thinking. I just think you’re being a dumbass.”

“I almost hit her earlier. I’m surprised she even let me touch her after that.”

“You’re right. Any other woman probably would be terrified of you after what happened. But this isn’t any woman. This is Momma. You know she is made of stronger stuff than that. She raised four boys practically on her own. No family to help when times got tough. A little screaming match and watching a grown man throw a temper tantrum are nothing new to her.”

“But she—” I begin, but he cuts me off.

“Cried.” I nod my head in response as Beau steps closer, bending slightly to whisper in my ear. “Because this is the first time she’s had two of her sons in the same place in almost ten years. Not only are we in the same room together, but it is the home she raised us in. The place where we made a home as a family.”

When he puts it like that, it makes sense. Momma has always been sentimental, especially when it comes to her boys. I take a moment to scan the walls of the hallway. Both sides are covered with framed photos of me and my brothers, both together and individually, in chronological order. I haven’t set foot in this house since the night I left, choosing to have dinner with Momma in the city whenever I was in town. It makes sense that having us back together like old times could cause her to choke up.

“Are you sure?” I ask, more for myself than anything else.

Momma has never once done anything she didn’t want to, but if there’s a chance that she might be afraid of me for any reason, I need to be sure.

Beau doesn’t hesitate before responding. “As a heart attack. Now get your ass out the door, or we are gonna be late. I don’t want to hear her mouth for being late.”

Beau grasps my shoulder, spins me around, and shoves me hard in the back, causing me to stumble slightly. Thankfully, I manage to regain my balance and scowl at him over my shoulder. “Her who?”

“Alise and Ramona, of course,” Beau responds as if this is a regular Thursday night. Well, for him, I guess it is. Hanging out with the family, going to the high school for games, promising to stop by Momma’s because of the promise of getting some freshly baked snickerdoodles.

“Then why did you say her and not them?” I question, pulling the front door open and heading down the stairs toward the unfamiliar truck in the driveway.

“Semantics.” Beau strolls past me toward his car, hitting a button on the key fob. The headlights flash once in time with a loud beep. “Hop in. They both aren’t going to give me a hard time for being late. That will be all Ramona. As a matter of fact, I’d better text them so they know we are running late.”

“Seems like you’re going about and beyond for Cooper’s…” My voice trails off slightly as I try to remember how Cooper introduced Ramona to me, but I’m coming up empty. I have no idea what’s going on between Cooper and Ramona. I remember she was at the hospital when I woke up, and they seemed pretty close, but that could mean anything.

“Fiancée?” I pull the passenger side door open and climb inside.

“Yup, there’s a woman in the world that’s willing to put up with our older brother’s shit for the rest of their lives. Poor woman.”

“Poor woman, indeed.” I chuckle as Beau starts the truck, pulling out of the driveway and heading toward the high school.

We drive down the familiar roads of our childhood in silence, each of us lost in deep thought. Memories of my childhood flash before my eyes as the scenery speeds by. During the summer, we used to play street hockey at the park at the end of our block. We’d have to get there early in the day to beat the other boys who wanted to play basketball instead. If we got there first, we kept the court until lunchtime. If they arrived first, they’d do the same. Those were the only days Momma managed to get the three of us out of bed before noon.

Beau makes a quick left, heading toward the center of town. Redwood Falls is nothing but an enormous square. There are four major streets running through it from north to south, with four principal streets running east to west, making it easy enough to get from one place to another. When we were younger, we’d give each other the cross streets on where our houses were instead of a number. It was so much easier to find our way around that way.

A loud chime fills the cab of the truck, alerting Beau to an incoming text. Instead of waiting to respond, he hits the accept button, and an electronic voice reads the message.

Ramona

Thanks for the heads-up. Alise is late too.

Ramona

Oh, and the gate to the back of the school is open.

“That girl would be late to her own funeral.” Beau shakes his head, turning right, into the high school parking lot. “The lacrosse games are on the soccer field behind the school. Fingers crossed the gate is open, or we’ll have to hoof it to the game.”

“It’s good to know there are some things that never change.” I chuckle, remembering being late for school because we were waiting for Alise. After a few calls from the principal, Auntie Peggy started setting the clocks in their house twenty minutes early just to make sure she wouldn’t make us late anymore.

“Even telling her an earlier time, that woman always finds a way to be late.”

“She probably expects that you’re telling her earlier than usual just to make sure she isn’t late. Then she calculates how much time she really has, but is still late,” I quip, knowing that’s exactly what Alise is doing. “Y’all need to just accept that Alise is going to be late no matter what you do, and plan accordingly.”

“We have already been doing that. It’s one reason we never let her drive anywhere. That way, we can control what time she arrives.” Beau chuckles as another text message comes in.

Ramona

You two should arrive at the same time. Darius and Ford both have scored goals already.

“That’s my boy.” Beau fist bumps in the air, before grabbing his phone and shooting off a response to Ramona. “She said the gate is open. Not much walking is necessary at all.”

“Some of us could use a little workout after all those plates of Momma’s lasagna you ate.”

“I’m a growing boy, Cole.” Beau rubs his distended belly before pulling into a parking spot closer to the fields. “Besides, I spent an extra hour at the gym today to prepare for dinner tonight. I can never say no to anything Momma cooks.”

“Good thinking, Beau. Good thing Momma made your favorite for dinner instead of mine, or we’d be in a very different situation.”

“A few extra pounds never hurt anyone.”

“They can hurt a lot when you’re back at the bottom of the totem pole, fighting for a place on the ice.”

“Cole…” Beau’s voice trails off, no doubt searching for the perfect thing to say to make everything all better.

Unfortunately for us, there’s nothing he can say. What I said was the truth. No matter whether it’s with the Timberwolves or another team, I’m back to square one. Not only am I the low man on the totem pole, but I’m injured, at that. If I don’t get back into skating shape before rookie camp, I’ll have no chance of getting any time on the ice this season besides in practice.

We both hop out of the truck and head toward the field. Instead of our usual comfortable silence, this one is filled with the charged words of our conversation. Instead of telling my brother how I feel like a grownup, I take a different approach and change the subject.

“So…you and Alise. Is it official yet?”

Beau halts mid-step. He slowly turns to face me, a guarded expression on his face. “Not gonna happen, little brother.”

Alise and Beau have been dancing around each other for years. Even someone who hasn’t spent any significant amount of time around them knows how they feel about each other, but ?neither one of them will make a move. It doesn’t help that Beau is as stubborn as they come. He’s decided that things would never work between them, so they remain in this weird limbo.

Do the two of them giving a relationship a try have the potential to change our entire family dynamic if things don’t work out? Of course, but if they are still pining for each other after all these years, they have to know by now there is something between them. I don’t believe in soul mates and all the mumbo jumbo, but there is something there between them. Even I can see that.

“Hey, at least you didn’t say never.”

Beau narrows his eyes. “Don’t go there, Cole.”

“I guess some things never change.”

Beau crosses his arms, eyeing me skeptically. “You know what you need, Cole?”

“Way to change the subject.” I exhale a quiet laugh, but there is no humor in it. “I need a lot of things, Beau. Try being more specific.” A Cheshire grin spreads across his face, but I hold up my finger in warning. “And if you say ‘girlfriend,’ so help me?—”

“Oh, you need a girlfriend for sure. But you need something to focus your attention on besides your rehab.”

“My rehab for my shoulder and getting back into shape for the upcoming season is my life until further notice, Beau.”

“I get that.” His voice softens. “But all rehab and no life won’t fix what’s broken inside.”

I look away, jaw clenched shut. He doesn’t know how broken I really am. No one does, and I want to keep it that way. I just need to control my cravings, the anger, and all these feelings I can’t seem to keep locked away for much longer. Speaking with a kid that’s probably more fucked up that I am? Sure, it could help, or I could just fuck both of us up even more. Not to mention my other dirty little secret, but I at least have some control over that part of my life.

“I’m not broken, Beau. Do I have anger issues? Sure, but I always have. Was I out of control earlier? Yes, I was. I own that and will take steps to make sure it never happens again, but that doesn’t mean I’m broken.”

“Broken was the wrong word, I guess. But you need something to put your heart into. Something else to focus on while you find your way back in the game, Cole. That’s why you should join the Big Brothers Big Sisters program with the Timberwolves. You’re going to be the newest member of the team this season. It will go a long way with Coach and the rest of the team if you take part in the program.”

I blink at him, waiting for him to tell me this was all a joke, and he wants to set me up with some supermodel or something, but that never comes. “You think I should be a big brother? To a kid?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Did you hit your head at some point, and I didn’t notice?” I stride toward him, grabbing his chin to check for any bumps or bruises on his head, but he slaps it away. “There’s no way I can do anything to help a kid figure out their life. I can barely put one foot in front of the other at this point.”

“Because you know what it feels like to fight your way back. That’s exactly the kind of person who makes a difference to a kid trying to find his footing.” He pauses, tapping his finger on his chin. “And I think I know just the kid who needs you. Actually, I think you two need each other.”

“I haven’t even said yes.”

“You will. I feel it in my bones.”

“You already told Momma, didn't you?” I groan, throwing my hands up in the air, knowing I’ve already lost this fight.