Page 48 of Chalk Outline

He turned down the deal, but I want him here. I want him in my life. I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want him to find someone else.

I never wanted him to leave in the first place.

That stupid deal. I can’t blame the alcohol because I’m responsible for it.

What have I done?

“Can we go for a ride first?” I ask, losing myself in his affectionate eyes and that tangible desire, too. “After I suture your wounds.”

“Wounds?” he questions.

“Your shirt is bleeding,” I point out, shaking my head. He doesn’t even notice it anymore when he comes back injured. It’s probably the adrenaline.

“Sure.” He grins, rubbing his cheek against my palm and basking in the warmth we create.

I lift my gaze with a small smile. Now, Jason watchesmethrough the riflescope. I wipe my tears and clear my voice.

“Your grandma warned me that if something were to happen to you, she’d behead me,” he says with a hint of amusement.

“So you know my grandma?”

“Yeah, I do. She trusts—she briefed me.” If he works for my grandma, he must know how to get underground.

“So she sends a bodyguard to shadow me even when I’m trying to become someone else.”

“I guess she likes you.” He laughs, and the familiar sound hits me so hard in the chest that I gasp. “And I’m more like a partner. You know, every rookie needs someone with experience to guide them,” Jason clarifies as he returns to scan the forest.

“Did you lose someone important to you?”

He sighs, and I hear him swallow the thickness in his throat. “I chose to protect someone and had to give everything for that.”

“And how bad did it hurt?”

“It’s a nightmare. I just wanted to feel something. A sign I was still alive. I was still me. I feel like I’m dying every single day, and there’s no way out. It’s like I’m drowning in this endless cycle of pain. I just want to feel the way I felt with,” he fumbles with his words. “I want to… fuck.”

“Fuck?” I tease, wanting to lighten the mood myself.

“That too. I wouldn’t turn down a kind offer.” He chuckles in amusement, and I find it comforting.

I shake my head, laughing softly to myself. “I bet.”

“So your nightmares follow you, too?” he asks.

“I live inside a sleep-depriving nightmare. I have had them often since I was twelve, but they stopped for a while thanks to him. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of myself. In this never-ending quest called life.”

“Slay your demons, and you’ll be able to sleep. Trust me. But if you think that will stop the pain, it won’t. You just have to learn to live beside it.”

“How do you do that?” I ask.

“I don’t know, but at some point, I decided to tattoo my body, get my eyebrow pierced, my ear, and then get my dick pierced.”

“Oh wow. We’re actually sharing personal experiences.” I suppose that’s progressive of us.

The blood rushes to my cheeks as dirty thoughts race through my mind. I read too many books for that image to taint my thoughts. The degrees plummet as the minutes tick away. My fingers feel numb, but I’m not quite ready to go inside.

“I have tattoos too. That kind of pain is momentary, but it leaves you with something beautiful that lasts a lifetime. However, your last piercing sound intimidating.” And maybe a bit alluring, I’ll admit, only to myself.

“Yeah, it was excruciating. What about you? What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?” His curiosity spills to the receiver, and the truth is that I don’t know how to answer that.