Page 105 of Chalk Outline

I rush to the bathroom at the end of the hallway and slam the stall door shut.

I swallow the breath that trembles in my chest.

I miss him.

I can’t do this without him.

Reeve made everything better. From the moment he gave in, I wanted to tear my heart out of my chest and fuse it with his because it belonged to him. My heart was his, not just a part of it—every inch screamed his name.

I pull his knife out of my pocket and flick it open before my body drops onto the toilet seat. I clutch the blade tightly until it dents my skin while I sob into my other palm.

I can’t do this anymore.

Tears slide down my cheeks, and beads of blood cover the blade.

Reeve is gone.

I tighten my grip around the blade, and it cuts deeper.

Innocent people get hurt every day.

The battle is everlasting.

I don’t want to be here.

I’m tired.

I’m so tired.

All I want is to evaporate.

My hand squeezes the blade, and blood dots the floor.

I’m not happy. I struggle every day to get out of bed. I’ve always felt like I don’t belong here—like I’m an alien who accidentally landed here and was forced to stay when I only wanted to go back home.

Reeve was my home; now, I have nothing.

Everyone feels like a stranger.

Every place I go feels foreign.

This job is hard enough already, and after I lost Reeve, it became impossible. He was the shoulder I cried on after tough calls that dismantled me internally. He was the balance in my life. When everything else was terrible, excruciating, impossible, or smothering, he was my refuge. My escape. Reeve was my sanity. He was the one person I could talk to. Now, I feel so empty. I’m forced to navigate reality and memories, and I’m supposed to be a lifeline for others because that’s my job.

I’m not.

I’m toxic.

Toxic toward myself.

I break myself apart and force my hands to shred the tiny pieces that’re left, thirsting for pain, chasing a ghost, hiding in a house with too many memories.

I hate it.

I hate myself.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

All my life, that darkness ruled my life and stormed everything else. For a moment, I touched the light and felt whatit was like to see a beautiful sunrise, until it was taken away from me.