Page 37

HARLOW

I take up residence in the uncomfortable chair by my aunt’s beside for four days. Four long days full of endless nurses and doctor’s visits. Of sympathetic looks from Brooke and Reese when they turn up with decent coffee and try to convince me to leave.

The doctor said I could stay as long as I liked, and I’m taking him up on the offer. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me most; there’s no way in hell I’m leaving her now. I’d never forgive myself.

“Any change?” Brooke asks when she stops off on her way to work.

“They think we’re at the end. Vitals are dropping.”

“Shit.”

“It’s okay. It’s what she would want,” I say, trying to hold my voice steady. Nothing about this is okay, but at least she’s not suffering. It could have been much worse.

“I just stopped in to bring you this.” She hands over a bag and a coffee. “I know you won’t eat otherwise. I need to do a few things after work, but I’ll be back later, okay?”

“Sure, thank you. How many shots of coffee are in this?” I ask when the strong scent hits my nose. My stomach turns over at the smell, reminding me that I can’t remember the last time I ate.

“It’s just a standard cappuccino.” She narrows her eyes at me. “Are you feeling okay?”

I can’t help but think it’s a stupid question. I haven’t left this room in four days. I’ve been sleeping in a chair and only nibbled on some of the food she’s turned up with. I’m only wearing different clothes from when I arrived because she brought them for me.

“No, I’m really fucking not.” My voice cracks with emotion and exhaustion.

Unfazed by my outburst, Brooke reaches over and takes my hand, squeezing in support.

“You really need to come home to sleep.”

I glance over my shoulder at my aunt. “I will … soon.”

Brooke nods and continues to hold my hand. “I’ll be back later, okay?” She squeezes again before dropping a kiss to my cheek. “Call me if you need anything.”

“Thank you,” I whisper as she walks away.

Sitting back in the chair that has become my home, I take a sip of coffee. The warmth is soothing, but much like the smell, I don’t get the joy I usually do when the taste hits me.

Fucking hell, I need some sleep.

Nibbling at the pastry, I watch my aunt, wondering if today is going to be the day I’m forced to walk out of here and leave her behind.

For her sake, I hope it is. Guilt swamps me at having such thoughts, but I know it’s what she wants, and I need to think about her right now, not me.

She always told me that when the time came, she didn’t want it to drag on.

I remember her telling me horror stories from the TV or newspapers where people ended up in hospitals and care homes for months as the disease slowly ate away at their bodies. I shudder at the thought.

As hard as it is to accept her wishes, to allow her the peace she craves. I know she’s right. I’d want the exact same thing.

I curl back up in the only position I’ve found that’s vaguely comfortable, and, with the beeping of the machine in my ears, I drift off to sleep.

It’s fitful and full of nightmares involving losing my aunt and Corey simultaneously.

I can see myself curled up in this chair as a team of nurses and doctors come racing in for my aunt, who’s still lying lifeless on the bed.

They do all the checks I’m now used to them doing, but the atmosphere surrounding them is different. The looks on their faces are different.

My heart starts to race, knowing what they’re telling me without needing words. This is it. This is the end.

I wake with a start, my heart still trying to pound out of my chest.

It was just a dream.

Just a dream.

Until I open my eyes and find the exact image that was just in my head, only now it’s before me as two nurses and a doctor stand beside my aunt.

My heart plummets.

“No,” I cry. “No, please.”

I scramble from the chair and over to the bed. I take her hand in mine. It’s cold, but then it has been since I first arrived here.

“We’re so sorry, Harlow. She’s at peace now.”

“No,” I cry, dropping my head as realization hits me. I’ve been sitting here religiously so that she wasn’t alone, and I was asleep when she needed me the most. A sob rumbles up my throat as I run my eyes over her. She looks so peaceful. As if she’s just drifted off to sleep.

My eyes burn as tears fight to be set free.

Everything around me begins to blur, and my legs start to feel a little funny.

One of the nurses must notice that I’m not doing so well because she races around the bed just in time to catch me when my knees buckle.

“Whoa,” she says softly. “I’ve got you.”

She lowers me back to my chair as I struggle to pull the air I need into my lungs.

“Try to control your breathing, honey. In. Out. In. Out.” I focus on her words, and after a few seconds, things start to come back to me. The room stops spinning.

“Is-is she really gone?”

“I’m so sorry. Is there anyone we can call for you? Your friend, maybe?”

I shake my head. I need a little time alone to try to process this. Brooke will be back later. Nothing will have changed by then. A miracle isn’t likely to happen.

The nurse allows me to stay with my aunt to attempt to say my goodbyes. I have no idea how long they give me; my grasp on reality is long gone. All I know is that when she comes back and softly tells me that they need to do their jobs, it’s not at all long enough.

Although, I’m not sure any amount of time ever will be.

Reluctantly, I tidy up the few bits I have scattered around the room before standing beside my aunt and doing one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.

I never got the chance to do this with my parents. The social workers decided I was too young to be able to deal with it, so I never got a final goodbye. I was left with the memory of refusing to acknowledge them as they walked out of the house to collect my friends and that stupid birthday cake.

Placing my hand on her cheek, I look down at her peaceful face.

“Sleep t-tight.” My voice cracks, and a sob erupts from my throat.

I back out of the room, not wanting to leave her. Tears streak down my cheeks, but no noise comes from me. I’m too numb.

That all changes when I look up and find Brooke and Reese standing off to the side, waiting for me.

I wail and they both run at me, thankfully catching me before I hit the floor.

“She’s gone,” I cry as they both hold me.

“We know. We’re so sorry.”

We stand there locked in our embrace for the longest time, but eventually, Reese pulls away.

“We should get you home.”

I nod, unable to do anything else. Just moving my legs in the direction of the exit is hard enough.

The journey home is a blur. I feel nothing. Everything is numb.

I’m ushered toward the couch and drop into the corner when encouraged to do so. Brooke pulls the blanket from the back and throws it over my legs.

“I’m going to make you a coffee,” she says softly. “Would you like anything to eat?”

I shake my head. I don’t have the stomach for it.

She nods and backs out of the room.

Their whispered voices float through the air, but I don’t know what they’re saying as I stare at the blank TV in front of me.

It’s like life is going on around me while someone’s hit my pause button.

I’m exhausted, but if I close my eyes, her gaunt face is all I see. If I keep them open, then I’m reminded of what’s happened.

There’s no relief.

None at all.

After a few minutes or what could have been hours, Brooke and Reese join me once more.

“Here you go. I know you said you didn’t want it, but I made you a sandwich. You really should try to eat something.”

I nod.

“Just relax. Don’t worry about what comes next. We’ve got everything under control.”

I nod again.

A concerned look passes between them, but they don’t say anything. They just sit with me in silence. It’s all I need.

At some point, Reese gives me a hug and says she’ll come back tomorrow. Brooke orders takeout from our favorite restaurant, and I poke it around the plate for a while before giving up and curling back up under the blanket.

I end up passing out with my head in Brooke’s lap as she gently plays with my hair like my mom used to when I was a kid.

The next thing I know, it’s dark and Brooke is telling me that we should go to bed. I allow her to drag me from the couch and up the stairs. She pulls the sheets back and tucks me in.

“You want me to stay?” she whispers when I reach for her hand.

“Please,” I whisper, and she immediately climbs into bed behind me.

“Everything will be okay, Harlow. I promise.”

I want to shout. I want to scream. How can anything be okay? Everyone has left me.

Everyone.

I drift off a few times, but when Brooke stirs a few hours after the sun rises, I’m staring at the wall in a daze.

“Harlow,” she whispers.

“Yeah?”

“How are you doing?”

I roll onto my back so I can stare at the ceiling for a change of scenery. My stomach rolls.

“Fuck,” I bark, jumping from the bed and racing toward my bathroom to throw up.

“Jesus, are you okay?” Brooke asks from the doorway when I’ve finished and slumped back against the wall.

“Yeah.” Pushing my sweat-damp hair from my face, I risk a look up at her.

Her brows are pulled with concern.

“You need to look after yourself,” she chastises. “Take a shower. I’ll make you some breakfast. Which you will eat,” she adds in a stern voice.

“Fine.” I roll my eyes at her, but even doing that takes more effort than I’ve got right now. What I really want to do is crawl back into bed.

“Thirty minutes max, or I’m coming back to get you,” she warns before leaving me alone on the bathroom floor.

I love her to death, but right now, I wish she’d allow me to wallow in peace. I know she’s just doing what she thinks is best for me, but the thought of showering and attempting to be normal just seems wrong.

“Don’t you feel better now?” Brooke asks when I join her in the kitchen wearing a clean hoodie and yoga pants, and still with wet hair.

“No, not really,” I mutter.