Page 15 of Carver (Satan’s Angels MC #8)

“Because conditioning goes deep.” I tilt his chin up and take a chance, leaning in to graze my lips against his forehead, sparking a chain reaction that hits all the way down to the soles of my feet.

“It can take a lifetime to undo it. You’ve been through so much trauma.

You survived. You thrived. You have this lovely, unbroken spirit.

” I know how hard it is for him to truly hear those words, not just listen to them.

“If there are other men at the club like Dravin, men who have been through the worst the world has to offer and are still here, maybe it would be a good thing to be a part of.” So much can change in such a short time.

Every day should be lived because who knows if we get tomorrow?

My parents raised us with that mentality, but it wasn’t until Dom’s accident that it really drove home that bad things can happen to young people too.

I knew that, but knowing it and experiencing it are two very different things.

“You’d be okay with me joining a biker club?”

Honestly, after all the things Dominic has been through, a group of hardened bikers seems like a reprieve.

Especially if they’re like Dravin and the women are sweet and open like Kael said.

“I don’t think that Dravin’s friendship is conditional on your joining, if you don’t want to. I met their Prez, Tyrant, when I was camped out in front of the place.”

Dom groans. “Oh my god, Bronte. I can’t believe you did that.”

I’m finally at the point where I don’t feel like I’m going to burst into tears. I’m even able to tilt an eyebrow playfully. “Oh really? You can’t believe it?”

“I can. I never doubted for a second that you’d come. I just thought the guys would be more convincing in getting you to leave, no camping out required.”

“I think they hoped that if they didn’t come out, I’d just take care of the problem myself and leave.”

“I’ve only met Tyrant briefly, when he came to my place to see the sculptures, and once when Dravin brought me back here, before we went to Archer’s clinic, but he’s about as good a human as they come.”

“He looks like a model.”

“He does,” Dom admits with zero jealousy. “There are a few guys there who look that way. They should team up and do a magazine cover. Not so bad, but still badass bikers monthly.”

He even does the air quotes. He hasn’t done those in years. I’m so, so freaking glad that he’s finding that dry sense of humor again.

“If there’s one thing that I wish you could have more, it’s people in your corner.”

“It meant everything to have you and your family,” he says, voice getting thick.

“I know. I’m so sad that my grandpa had to die the way he did, but it was his getting sick that brought us back here. I do wish I could have met you sooner. That’s the only thing I regret is not being there when you needed someone.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t have been ready.”

“It just breaks my heart, the childhood you had. I know you’re worried about being a father, but that’s how I know you’ll be the best one.

” Dom blanks at that. “Because you’ve thought about it so much,” I explain.

“You know what kind of pain and suffering you’ve endured, all the things you wanted and never had.

I know that all the love you were waiting to be given, you’ll take it and you’ll give it to our child. ”

Doubt creeps up like a shadow, sending a chill through the room again. “What if I can’t?”

“You learn. We’ll be there to help.” I know I’ve already told him that, but I’ll promise it over and over, no matter how many times it takes, until he believes that he’s got this.

“You’ve loved me. I know that you know what it means.

The love you gave me was perfect. There is no one better.

You’re not perfect, because that’s an impossible standard, but you’re my perfect match.

Even through the rough parts, Dom. Truly. ”

“If I didn’t have my head so far up my ass that you were so worried about me that you had to keep the pregnancy a secret—”

“You can’t think about that.” I can’t let him tip over that edge again. “You told me not to, so you’re not allowed to either. What wasn’t said wasn’t said and that’s all. But we do have now .”

“How did you hide it?” He shakes his head in amazement. “You didn’t disappear. Ever. Jesus, you were taking care of me when I was so ungrateful, and you had to have been hurting. You never missed a week. Right after giving birth…”

“There were a few rough weeks after, but I was okay. I had my parents and my brother and sister. They’ve been so helpful. We all took turns, so I was getting enough sleep. I was healing up okay.”

“But how did you- how do you hide a pregnancy bump?”

“Even when I was almost full term, the doctors and nurses commented on how they could barely tell I was pregnant. It happens to some people. I knew, but it was nothing that oversized clothing couldn’t hide, and I usually wore flowy things anyway.”

“And- the birth?”

“When I went into labor, my parents drove me to Seattle to the hospital immediately. They stayed with me. It hurt, but it was pretty quick, and it was natural. I handled it.”

Dominic sits with that information for a few minutes, processing it. I can tell that he’s angry, but not with me. “I was so worried about my face that I- that I missed that.” Not angry. His words are heavy with regret.

“Well… we did video everything.” I made sure at least, that I could give that to him.

“I have videos of the whole pregnancy and the birth and every single week after. I made them for both of you. But Dom? I don’t think it’s really just about your face.

” He tries to look away, but I catch him under the chin and turn him back to me slowly.

“I’m serious. You’ve been through so much trauma.

Unpacking that sucks . It’s wretched. I don’t blame you one bit for needing time. ”

His eyes burn in the lamplight, the shadows moving from the room to fall into their depths, swimming there. “You’re the only person who could look at it that way.”

“I don’t think so. I’ve read books. That’s all I do.

Read. But I talked to my parents. My brother and sister.

I have a therapist app online that I pay for, and when things got stressful, it just helped to have someone tell me how to be there.

I never gave specifics. Just that someone I loved was hurting and I didn’t know what to do.

My parents told me to keep loving you with everything I had.

They knew I couldn’t give anything less. ”

“The thought of you being gone for good, that I’d finally achieved what I kept saying I wanted to do—that is the only time I have truly ever not wanted to exist.”

“Only death, my love. Maybe not even that.” The urge to kiss him is so strong, but I don’t know if it’s the right time.

I don’t know if I’ll hurt him or undo some of his healing physically, even if it’s not the kind of passionate kiss that could get carried away.

“I don’t know how it works. We’ve both read books where love continues after. ”

“Will I be enough for her?” he asks. I can see that he has to . “Will she ever be ashamed that I’m not like other dads?”

A whole wave of feeling surges up in me. “That’s why she’ll love you the most,” I promise. “You see things other people can’t. Long before the accident changed your perspective. That’s your gift.”

“And a curse.”

“Sometimes, yes. You have an artist’s soul. There’s that saying that intelligent people can’t be happy, but I don’t believe that. I just think it’s much harder won, and so much more precious for knowing even the smallest amount.”

“Can I…” He chokes up as he guides me with a hand on my hip, rearranging me so that I’m a ball between his strong thighs spread around me. He curls over my back, wrapping his arm around my waist.

We used to sit like this all the time. I know exactly what he needs.

Over the years, Dom has wrapped his body around me when we’ve sat in my family’s fields and watched the stars, when we’ve watched a sunset or sunrise from the back of my truck box with a stack of old quilts wrapped around us, when I’d come to see what he’d carved.

We used to walk side by side down the gravel road that runs past my house and Dom would break away and suddenly hug me from behind.

He’d sweep the hair away from the back of my neck and kiss me.

A sob of happiness and nostalgia rises in my throat, but I choke it off.

I knew in every one of those moments that I loved Dom, but it wasn’t just a regular sort of love that you can fall into and fall out of. It was the kind of love that happens once in a lifetime. The forever kind.

Dom’s rough fingers brush my neck as he moves my hair, arranging it over my shoulder in a silky wave.

His breath sends an electric shock skittering down my shoulder, ending in my fingertips.

His lips brush over my neck, below my earlobe.

A keening growl escapes him. His hand collars my throat, his thumb pressing into my pulse point.

He strokes the rapid fluttering with the softest caress, like he needs to reassure himself that this is real.

That I’m more than a dream. That this all won’t disappear.

“Can I meet her?” he whispers against my neck. “What’s her name? My god, I have a daughter. I’m a father.”

“Elowen. It’s Elowen. It means elm tree.”

“What does the elm signify?”

“Wisdom and resilience. Just two of many things that I wish for her, but maybe the most important two.”

He inhales sharply and his breath crackles on the exhale. It’s different this time. I can almost hear the joy in it.

“Of course you can meet her.”

“Not at my place. Don’t bring her there. Ever.” I’ve never heard him so emphatic about anything. The depth of that passion spills over into wonderment. “Please, Bronte. I need your help.”

His hand is tucked below my breastbone, his arm like a banded cage of safety wrapped all around me. With his warmth and the hard muscle of his body pressed up against my back, I’ve never felt so safe in all my life.

He’s never said those words to me before. Never that exact phrasing.

“Anything. Anything, Dom.”

“Will you help me find someone to talk to? A therapist? I’ve got a good PT in mind, and Archer has agreed to do whatever surgeries I’ll need in the future.

The club would help me relocate here. I don’t know why, but I know that all I have to do is ask Dravin, and he’ll arrange it.

But I’ve always known that the physical parts of me aren’t what truly needs to be fixed. I can’t put that on you.”

“You can put some of it on me.”

He tenses, but then he lets it go, his body coming flush against mine when he lets out his breath unspool. “Yes. You’re my best friend. You’re my lover. You’re everything to me. You’re the mother of my child .”

“I’ll help you find someone. We won’t stop until you have the perfect fit.

” Even if it takes years, as healing often does, or a thousand therapists, I’ll make good on my word.

“You can come see Elowen anywhere. My parents’ house, if you like.

They’d love to see you. My whole family would. Or I can bring her to Hart.”

“It’s so much change for a baby. What- what does she like?”

I smile immediately, even as instant pain wells up in my chest at not being there tonight with my daughter. I know she’s well loved, and even if she misses me, it will only be for a few seconds before she’s overwhelmed with love by my family.

“She loves stories. She’s like me that way.

I read to her when she was in the womb, like my mom did for all of us.

She’s a happy baby. She likes fruit and veggies, but those rice cracker things are her favorite.

She’s not afraid to try new things. It’s so easy to make her laugh.

She’s only eleven months old, but you can already see the wonderment she has for the world.

She loves Georgie and Dempsey.” The big orange tom cat who was never supposed to make his home indoors, but nevertheless ended up being doted on by all of us, and our ancient German Shepherd, the gentlest dog known to the world, have both adopted Elowen as their own.

“She sounds incredible.”

“She is. She’s so beautiful. She has so much spirit.”

“Will she be afraid of me?”

He’s holding me tight, but he lets me break it so I can angle around.

“No. Never. She hasn’t seen any strangers though.

Her whole world has been us and us alone, so that we could keep the secret.

She’ll be fascinated by you, but babies see with their heart.

They have instincts that we somehow lose when we grow up.

We forget to see the world with that kind of special innocence.

She’ll sense your goodness, your tenderness, and your fierce desire to protect her, and she’ll love you immediately.

She’ll know you, Dom. She’s half of you. ”

The magnetic force between us is too strong.

I’ve missed him too much. I lean forward and he doesn’t pull away or jerk back.

I feather a kiss over his mouth, tasting the wintergreen toothpaste.

He never liked just mint. I trace his lip to the safe side of his face, kissing the corner.

His hand tangles in my hair, half in frustration, half in desire.

I know it’s not fair to do this. Not when he still needs time to heal and recover.

He can’t even open his mouth without the stitches pulling on the right side of his face.

I kiss him for him. I kiss him for me. I feather and flutter the softest ones over his lips, up his cheekbone, over to his temple.

I’ve seen every side of him. Light and dark. I’m ready to have the whole of him back and give him the whole of me in return.

“Even if we have a lot of change coming, I’d follow you anywhere.

You want to come to Hart? I’ll be here and I’ll bring Elowen.

If you’re not ready for us, I’ll make sure we visit you multiple times a week.

If you want to pack up your things and have Dravin help you move here after you find a place, I’ll be right there packing boxes.

” I kiss the corner of his mouth again, chastely, but still brimming over with passion. “Anything and anywhere.”

His forehead meets mine and he cups the back of his head, splaying his whole palm there. “Anything and anywhere,” he repeats huskily.

I love you aren’t the only three words that can heal the fractures in a heart.