Page 34 of Captive Vows (The Dubinin Bratva #1)

LUKA

I leaned against the wall. Further down the hallway from the study, I couldn’t help but overhear Alexsei talking to Gabriella.

I’d planned to go to the study to drink and mull over how I was handling her being here. This distance was going on too long.

But when I caught word of Alexsei calling for guards, I stayed pressed against the wall, slightly out of obvious sight. Two men hurried to haul away that maid who’d dared to talk so horribly to Gabriella.

Then Allen strode by, taking Misha to the kitchen.

Still, I stayed put. Since she’d stopped dancing in her studio this late into her pregnancy, I had no means to watch her from afar, in hiding.

Like this, I heard her voice. I felt her presence so near, but seeming so distant in the study while I lurked out here.

I was doing this to myself. I was punishing myself to keep away from her. Part of it was to punish her, too. I was still bitter about how she’d ever thought to hide her pregnancy from me, to decide to be deceptive like that.

I supposed in that regard, we really were well-matched. She would never forgive me for how she’d been kidnapped and taken. And I’d never get past how she’d lied by omission for so long.

She sounded down, low in spirits, and that tugged at whatever heartstring I still had.

As she talked a bit with Alexsei, I felt the sadness that gripped her.

Well, you’ve fucking done it now.

I’d broken her.

I “won”.

I’d kept away to teach her a lesson about what it was like to fight me, and she was no longer the woman I’d desired so much.

She was a shell of her former self.

Hearing her assume that I didn’t care about her chipped at my pride.

I’d done this.

I’d pushed for her to sink this low. And I hated myself for it. I missed her fire, her willingness to challenge me. With her admission to my nephew, I realized that I’d dimmed her fight, her drive.

She could only take so much, and the gap between us had yawned and stretched for too long.

She could’ve fucking come to me.

She could’ve submitted—again.

But as I clung to that belief, I knew I was wrong. She shouldn’t have had to. She’d already done that. She was the one who had to admit how badly she craved me in the beginning. It was nothing but a cruel trick to expect her to submit and bow again like this.

Especially when she was pregnant and protective in that regard.

Particularly when she was vulnerable with the repeated attempts on her life or the capture of her body to give to another.

Alexsei exited the room after she did. Grateful that she turned to walk the other way down the hall, I braced myself for facing my nephew. I pressed the side of my head against the wall, unable to stand straight as I accepted the full hit of guilt that I’d caused her to feel like this.

He frowned, spotting me, and didn’t waste a second to approach me.

“She’s—”

“Save it.” I let out a long breath as I pushed off the wall and shook my head. Lifting my hand to indicate that he didn’t need to go on or elaborate, I walked toward the study where she’d just been.

“I heard. I heard her.”

“Then you realize that this… fight has to stop.” He didn’t stop frowning, assuming he could have the right to scold me.

I was the boss. He answered to me. But in this case, he could get away with calling me out on this bullshit.

“I heard. And I do realize that.” Passing him, I continued to the study.

Fortunately, he had the wisdom to hear the defeat in my tone. He didn’t follow me to press his case. Alexsei was a kind man with a good heart. He was also smart, aware that he didn’t need to nag like Emil could sometimes.

Alone in the study, I drew a deep breath and tried to catch a lingering note of Gabriella’s scent. Of her sweetness. Of her lovely allure, a tangible presence I once was so blessed to enjoy whenever I wanted.

She was gone.

She wasn’t in the room anymore.

And if I wasn’t careful, the soul of the woman I wanted to love would vanish too.

See? This is what always fucking happens.

To love was to lose.

In my life, to love was to destroy.

I poured myself a drink and downed it, wishing the burn of the alcohol would dull my senses so this heartache of missing her would sting less.

It didn’t work.

So, I poured another. And another.

Slumping into the leather chair, I wondered how long it would take to fall asleep. Maybe fate would be kind to me and spare me from having to dream of her. Again. It was one thing to avoid her by day, but in the clutches of sleep at night, I had no escape from her.

Erotic dreams twisted into nightmares of watching her die.

Weird illusions of her running from me shifted into her being Maria, then herself again.

She was messing me up in the worst of ways, but I couldn’t see how I could even go about fixing it now.

What, was I supposed to just go and apologize?

I never told anyone I was sorry. I wasn’t that smug, but everything I did in my life was a deliberate choice I would stand by.

That coldhearted ruthlessness was how I’d become the boss and ruler that I was in this city.

That was how I was the master, the leader, never the loser.

With her, though, I was sorry. I hated that I had been so stuck in my head and in my thoughts that I couldn’t realize that we were pushing each other too far away all this time.

How could I start? Approaching her would be a challenge when she was still too aloof.

Would it even matter now? From how sad and numb she’d sounded when talking to Alexsei, I had to face the very real possibility that there was no way to reclaim her and get us back to where we were.

Vodka warmed me inside and out, but it was her heat and her affection I wanted to course through my veins. Getting drunker by the second as I tried to drown my sorrows and regrets, I knew it was her sway over me that I wished for. I wanted to be intoxicated by her again, nothing else.

Fuck it.

I can’t do this.

I can’t stand by and watch her become any more of a shell.

When I lost Maria, it changed me.

If I were to screw up with Gabriella, a second chance the universe never should have teased me with, I wouldn’t recover. Ever.

Leaving the study, I resolved to just see her. To check on her. To bask in her presence, even if she was already asleep.

The night wasn’t so young anymore. Striding down the hallways and climbing the stairs to my personal wing, I hated that she’d been toughing out this pregnancy all on her own.

She never asked for help. She never requested a spa day or massage.

She had to be so damn tired, physically as she carried our child and also to put up with my bullshit.

Because that was what it was.

I was a fucking dumbass to resist her in this game of pride.

I didn’t fight kindly. Life wasn’t fair. But this was all on me. I’d own it.

Stepping into her room, I stayed as quiet as I could so as not to startle her. I didn’t want to risk pissing her off like this, showing up uninvited when she really did need her rest.

The moment I closed the door behind me, I closed my eyes at the smell of her in this room. Her lotion. That shampoo she favored. Even the scent of her skin, somehow unique and even tastier when I could kiss and lick her anywhere I pleased.

She was asleep. The lump of her on the bed proved that she hadn’t stayed up for any reason.

Just the sight of her gave me such a poignant pang of longing that I stifled the grunt that almost left my lips.

Seeing her was a sucker punch to the gut.

That was how much I’d been missing her like an idiot.

Alexsei was right.

Our fight had gone on too long.

If this was the time for forgiveness, then so be it.

As soon as I was sober in the morning?—

A sniffle.

Then another.

I froze, squinting to see her in the darkness.

I was wrong. She wasn’t asleep. She was faking it. Apparently, she was masking the fact that she was crying as she lay with her head on the pillows.

The sound of her so sad ripped at my soul. I had to stop this. I couldn’t stand by and witness the results of my cruelty. Stumbling forward, I stubbed my toe against a table.

That was all it took for her to jackknife. She sat up as she slapped her hand at the nightstand, turning on a low light. As she met my gaze, she wiped at her cheeks. Like that could erase the evidence of her tears.

“Gabriella…”

No words were ready for her. I hadn’t rehearsed anything. A speech wouldn’t be happening, but I had to utter something more than her damn name.

Her lips curled down in a pout. Even like that, she was irresistible. Yet as she continued to wipe her eyes, reminding me that I’d walked in to witness her so sad, so numb and at a loss for how to carry on, I was instantly annoyed.

Not at her.

At myself.

Anger took root as I walked toward her sitting up in bed.

I’d never forgive myself for taking this so far with her.

I really had treated her like a thing, not a person to love.

I’d thought that it was implied, that it was obvious.

After all, how could she have ever doubted that I gave a damn about her and our child when I provided for her?

Letting her watch me as I trespassed further into her room until I stood at the side of her bed, I let her words wash over me again.

“And if actions speak louder than words, he’s made it clear he doesn’t truly want or need me in his life.”

She was fucking wrong. All this absence made me yearn for her more. I wanted her. I needed her. I’d be lost without her. But she needed to hear it, not see the proof of all I gave her. Material things and even medical care and armed security weren’t parts of her language. She wanted to hear it.

“Gabriella.” I repeated her name in a hushed whisper as I took in the sight of her like this. Quiet but observant. Wary but defensive. She wasn’t as numb as she thought she was. With another drag of her careful gaze over me, she proved that she wasn’t impervious to noticing me.

To tolerating my presence.

As she looked her fill, participating gamely in this spontaneous staring contest as if we hadn’t seen each other in years, I admired how beautiful she’d become.

The swell of our child in her belly turned me on. That was my heir. I’d done that. I’d fucked her and made my cum take root so we’d create a new life.

Her breasts were fuller, straining against the silky fabric of her nightgown. As I stared, unable to hide my raging desire, her nipples hardened enough that the points poked at the material trying to hide them.

And the heat in her dark eyes, those fathomless pools that always captivated me…

Fuck me. I couldn’t walk away this time.

I’d come in here just to see her. To be near her and feel her presence.

Tomorrow would make more sense to apologize, but like this, I was unable to rein back this feral, physical lust.

She frowned, lowering her gaze to the erection I couldn’t hide beneath my pants. It was tented, with no room for my dick to move.

“That’s what you’ve come here for?” she asked. Her tone was cool, but curious. It was obvious she still hated me, but she wasn’t any better at hiding how much she lusted for me, too.

Needing her so badly, even like this, I leaned down to cup her face and force her to tip her chin up higher. I met her gaze head-on as she licked her lips.

“No. I didn’t come here to fuck you.”

I want to make love.

“But now that I’m here…”

She furrowed her brow, setting her hand on top of mine, as if she despised that she wanted to keep me here. Like she wanted me to stay.