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“It’s ’cause I spent several years livin’ on the streets, not knowin’ where my next meal was comin’ from, if at all, which developed into a scarcity mindset. Dr. Bradbury helped me work through it so I feel like I’m prepared enough to feel safe, but not enough where I obsess over it.”

Jay’s hand stilled, and he was so quiet that Ryden sat up to find Jay turned away from him.

“Sweetheart?”

Jay shook his head, and Ryden shifted closer, leaning forward. “Jay, please look at me,” he said gently, taking Jay’s hand in his. With a sniff, Jay faced forward, and Ryden was surprised by the tears. “Hey, now. What’s all this for?” He pulled Jay onto his lap and wiped Jay’s cheek with his thumb.

“I can’t believe…” Jay shook his head and let out a frustrated growl. “I can’t believe, after everything you gave, after losing your eyesight while serving, that you were on the streets going hungry. What the fuck, Ry? It makes me so angry. Fuck them.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Ryden said, wiping Jay’s other cheek. “You deserve to know everything. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us, and what I went through played a big part in makin’ me the man I am today.”

Jay nodded. “I understand, and I want to know, no matter how difficult it is to hear. Thank you for trusting me with this.”

“To be honest, I’ve been wantin’ to talk to you about it for a long time, but there was never a good time.

It’s not like I could just stroll on over to your desk one mornin’ and be all, ‘Oh, by the way, before I tried to kill Mason Cooper and then myself, I was livin’ on the streets.

Nice bow tie.’ It wasn’t exactly casual conversation. ”

Jay’s eyes were huge, tears welling again, and Ryden realized what he’d said. Shit . That was not the way he’d planned on telling Jay.

“You…you tried to… When was this?”

“The night I accidentally shot Mason. Well, you know. Accidentally but not accidentally.”

Jay stared at him, heartache and uncertainty in his big blue eyes, but Ryden had to push through. If Jay wanted him, all of him, then he had to know.

“A lot happened before I ended up in Florida. My mom passed, and I missed her funeral ’cause I was on a RECON mission.

Then there was the trainin’ accident where I lost my vision.

Anyway, after recoverin’ from that and bein’ discharged, I couldn’t find a job and eventually lost everything, including my apartment.

I was too ashamed and too proud to ask for help.

Most of all, I was angry, so angry, and one day, I found a target for that anger. ”

“Mason,” Jay murmured, cupping Ryden’s cheek. Ryden leaned into the touch, basking in the way it soothed his soul.

“I was drownin’ in darkness, sweetheart, with no way out in sight.

I’d lost all hope, and I blamed Mason for everything that had happened to me, but when I tried to shoot him, I realized I couldn’t do it.

” Ryden closed his eyes, the images of that night seared into his brain.

Jay knew some of what happened with Mason, but Ryden still had to get it all out.

“When Mason ended up shot, that was it. I’d hurt a good man, and…

I thought that was it. Seekin’ revenge kept me going, and that was gone now, too.

What was left? I went up on deck and walked to the front of the boat.

Lucky followed me. I told him I was sorry and put the gun to my head.

He tackled me just as it went off. I broke then.

” He shook his head. The shame and guilt were gone, thanks to years of therapy, but the pain of knowing he could have succeeded still hurt his heart.

“I used to have nightmares of where I would have ended up if Mason and the guys hadn’t taken me in. ”

Jay straddled his lap and hugged him. With a sigh that went down to his core, Ryden wrapped his arms around Jay and buried his face in Jay’s neck.

This was what his heart needed, what he needed.

Jay had never judged him, no matter how bad their little feud got or what words they flung at each other over the years; Jay had never seen Ryden as less than.

“Thank you,” Ryden murmured against Jay’s skin.

“For what?”

“For being you. For listenin’ and not judgin’.”

Jay pulled back and stroked Ryden’s cheek with his thumb. “What happened to you breaks my heart, and I wish you could have been spared all that hardship and pain. You haven’t… I mean, since then, you haven’t wanted to…hurt yourself, have you?”

Ryden covered Jay’s hand with his and turned his face to kiss Jay’s palm.

“No, darlin’. Things are very different now.

I have a great therapist who gave me the tools I needed to heal.

She showed me how to accept help when I needed it and how to ask for help.

I have a family now, people who love me, who would be there at the drop of a hat, ready to go to war for me. ”

“I would go to war for you,” Jay said softly.

Ryden’s smile couldn’t get any wider. “I love how fearless you are.” He knew Jay wouldn’t like what came next, but Ryden had to try. He ran his fingers through Jay’s hair. “Darlin’, are you sure you need to go to Tampa?”

Jay’s brows drew together, his frown deep. He opened his mouth to reply when Ryden stopped him.

“Before you go gettin’ your feathers ruffled, please understand that my worry comes from a place of love. We don’t know what’s gonna happen down there, and if you were to get hurt or worse… Baby, I would never forgive myself.”

“Why? If something happens, I’m the one who made the decision. Not you. You have nothing to feel guilty about.”

“I would because I’d tell myself I could’ve done more. I could’ve done somethin’ to keep you here, safe.”

Jay shook his head, his lips pressed together. “That’s not fair, Ry.”

“I know. Neither would it be fair to lose you after I just got you.”

Jay got off Ryden’s lap, and Ryden sighed. He had a feeling this was going to happen, but he gave Jay his space and let him say his part.

“And what about you?” Jay asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “What if something happens to you, and I’m over here and can’t even see you?

I know you’re a Marine, but you work in Risk Assessment, Ry.

You’re not out there being shot at all the time, and you sure as hell aren’t fighting other Marines, and murderers at that. ”

“True,” Ryden replied, standing. He tried to pull Jay into his arms, but Jay wasn’t having any of it, shaking his head and turning away. “Come on, love.” He wrapped his arms around Jay and leaned in to rest his chin on Jay’s shoulder. “Help me find a compromise here.”

Jay sighed. He turned and slipped his arms around Ryden’s waist. “King’s going to have a base of operations set up somewhere. What if I promise to stay there?”

There was no hesitation. “Deal.” This was as good as it was going to get, and he’d take it.

If it meant Jay was away and safe from these guys, even if he were in the same city, he’d take that over Jay following their every move and risking his safety. Hopefully, they could keep Finch away from Jay. The last thing they needed to worry about was the brothers being at each other’s throats.