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Story: Call It Home

CHAPTER THIRTY

“ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN,” Liam says, looking down at the Hellstroms’ coffee table. “It’s almost time to put away the puzzles and get ready for bed. Five minutes, then you’re getting your pajamas on, okay?”

“Okay,” Ida says. “We’re almost done.”

Louie is sitting on the floor with her and they’re doing a cat puzzle. The cat puzzle reminds Louie of his summer with Ryan’s family and their ever-present cats. It’s like not living with Ryan makes him think of Ryan even more. He thought it would help him to stay with Liam for a bit. Get away and stop thinking about Ryan and the way he talks to him and the way he looks at him and the way he touches him.

He thinks about Ryan falling asleep with his arm wrapped around his waist. Then the guilt sinks its teeth deep into him. He’s well aware that he ran.

Louie doesn’t run. Never in his life has he run from anything. When he didn’t make the Cardinals’ NHL roster, he stuck around and worked on himself until he did, and then Ryan showed up and taught him that running was an option. This summer, he ran from his family. And now he ran from Ryan. From his feelings.

He’s doing cat puzzles with Ida so he doesn’t have to think. It’s not working very well.

When he’s giving the black cat its missing eye, the last piece in the puzzle, Ida claps. And just like that, she pushes the whole thing back into its box, some pieces stubbornly hanging onto each other.

“Can Louie read me a story?” Ida asks.

“Actually, Mamma will read you a story,” Liam says. “I have to talk to Louie about something.”

“Some other time,” Louie promises.

Ida says goodnight and shuffles away, doing a perfect cartwheel on her way out of the living room.

When she’s gone, Louie turns to Liam. “Are you kicking me out?” he asks. He’s been staying here for two weeks and didn’t specify for how long he wanted to stay. For a bit, he said. And a bit could really be anything. Three days, a week, a month.

Louie didn’t really think about it. He absolutely should have. What is he going to do? Show back up at Ryan’s in a few days and pretend that nothing happened? Like that worked so well when he kissed him in the summer. He doesn’t know what the fuck possessed him when he slept with Ryan. Maybe he was running then, too. Away from hockey.

“I would never kick you out,” Liam says. “You can stay for as long as you’d like. We’ve had rookies stay all season.”

“I’m not planning on staying all season, I promise,” Louie says. In the end, he’ll have to find his own place. He doesn’t see himself feeling normal about living with Ryan ever again.

“Hm,” Liam says and folds his arms across his chest.

Louie pulls his knees up against his chest. “I saw you talking to Ryan before we went on the road the other day.”

“Yes, yes, he told me that he didn’t sleep with your mom.”

“Uh, what?”

“It’s always something like that,” Liam says, eyes narrowed. “Except this time it isn’t. Threw me off. Or maybe he’s better at lying than I thought he was.”

“He’s a terrible liar,” Louie says. Everything’s always written all over Ryan’s face. His every thought, his every emotion. That’s why Louie is so caught up on the way Ryan looks at him. It’s all there.

Liam scratches the back of his head. “Listen, there’s something Ryan told me and it’s absolutely above my pay grade and none of my business. I don’t think he meant to tell me.”

“No, he did,” Louie says. He already knows what this is about. “He’s been wanting to tell… some of you, at least.”

“I see.” Liam leans back in his armchair, eyes boring into Louie. “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

Louie could tell him. The whole story, since Ryan apparently already spilled part of it. He’s not worried about Liam knowing something about him that hardly anyone else knows. Liam is a guy who’ll mind his business. He’s trying to help. But what’s the point? Louie ran away. He can’t undo that.

That morning, when he woke up next to Ryan, when he found out about what had happened to Bastien the night before, he should have given himself more time. He went on a walk, not even a run, because all he could think about was getting away from his thoughts.

Obviously, his thoughts stayed right where they were.

So Louie had to find another way out. Although it didn’t work. The thoughts are, surprisingly, still right where they were. They’ve become part of Louie’s routine.

Get up. Think about Ryan. Have breakfast. Worry about Bastien. Go to the rink. Be normal around Ryan. Focus during practice. Wonder if Bastien’s going to be okay. Go home. Think about Ryan. Wonder what Ryan is doing. Then it’s Ryan making him a grilled cheese when he’s sad. Ryan always letting him have his favorite blanket. Ryan going to the rink early for him. Ryan, naked, smiling, letting Louie take the reins, trusting him completely. And…

“It honestly doesn’t matter,” Louie says. “I broke things off with Ryan and I won’t let it affect the team. Neither will he. I don’t even think anyone noticed. ”

Liam’s lips become a thin line. He didn’t like that answer. “I understand what you’re trying to say.” He leans forward. “As your teammate, what should matter to me is that you won’t bring your personal bullshit on the ice, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Louie says. What’s so wrong about that?

“We all have bullshit, though. And we all bring it to the rink sometimes. That’s what being a person is like, you know?” Liam shrugs. “Anyway, we’re not just teammates. How many times have you stayed here, huh? You’re my kids’ cool uncle. You’re family. I want you to be happy. Are you happy?”

“I finally made the team,” Louie says. “Of course I’m happy. I worked hard for this and I won’t let anything get in the way of it.” He sounds like he’s in the middle of a postgame media scrum. It’s the correct answer, not the true one.

“Anything as in… a relationship?” Liam asks. “Look, I won’t tell you that getting with a teammate is smart, that shit can end badly, but… most guys have families. They’re married, they’re dating.”

“Sure, but… I’ve been trying to get this roster spot for years,” Louie says. Liam just mentioned how many times he’s stayed here; he should know how long of a journey this has been. “And for years I wasn’t good enough. This is important to me.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Liam says, “but do you really think you’re the only one who’s had to work hard to make it to the NHL? We all had to work hard. Maybe there are some guys who are… they make it look easy. But you were at the rink with Nick all summer. You think he didn’t work hard? And, sure, some of us will never be Nick, no matter how hard we work, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a life. Or a partner.”

Louie shrugs. “Nick doesn’t.”

Liam blinks at him. Laughs. “Just because he didn’t tell you about it personally doesn’t mean he’s sitting around at home by himself, thinking about hockey all day every day. ”

It takes a few seconds too long for Louie to understand what Liam is telling him. “What?”

“You need to find a balance, Louie,” Liam says. “You can have both. Both is good, hmm?” He gives Louie’s arm a pat. “Think on that. I gotta say good night to my kids.”

Louie can’t sleep.

For once, he’s not thinking about Ryan but about Nick. Nick Rivera, who lives and breathes for the game. Louie was convinced there couldn’t be anything else for him. Turns out, Nick just thinks his private life is none of anyone’s business.

Louie spent years wanting to be like Nick. And now Nick isn’t the guy in his head and that’s not even Nick’s fault. Louie just got everything tangled up in his own mind. This always happens—when Louie makes a wrong move on the ice, when he doesn’t live up to his own expectations. Really, a lot of the time, they were his dad’s expectations.

When another fifteen minutes have ticked by and Louie is still wide awake, he grabs his phone and gets out of bed, shuffling to the door that leads out onto the lower patio.

It’s Thursday, but it’s not midnight yet, so chances are Dominic is still awake. Louie thinks about texting him first, but in the end, he pulls up his contact and hits call.

It rings a few times. Maybe he’s not home. Dominic is such a moviegoer. He even goes by himself. Louie’s about to give up when Dominic says, “Hey, everything okay?” on the other end of the line.

“Not really,” Louie says. He wouldn’t call Dominic this late if everything was okay.

“Are you hurt?” Dominic asks. “One sec…” His voice is further away when he says, “It’s Louie. Go back to sleep, okay?”

“Did I wake you guys up?”

“Don’t worry, I was still awake. Cameron just has this weird gift—it takes him like two seconds to fall asleep.” Something rustles, then Dominic says, “What happened? You didn’t have a game tonight, right?”

“No, I didn’t, it’s not… this isn’t about hockey,” Louie says.

“That’s a first.”

Funny. That actually tells Louie everything he needs to know. He sits down on one of the patio chairs and stares out at the dark backyard. Liam has put up a bunch of those solar-powered lights, but most of them are dim. “I think I… I messed something up.”

“Okay?”

“I don’t know if I should fix it.”

“Generally, it doesn’t hurt to fix things you messed up,” Dominic says lightly.

“It’s complicated,” Louie says. He rubs his forehead, not sure where to take this conversation. “Do you think Dad kind of… screwed up our expectations of what life should be like?”

Dominic snorts. “Honestly, Dad fucked us up in too many ways to count. I’ve spent years trying to undo all of that and sometimes I still catch myself thinking I threw my life away because it’s not exactly the way he wanted it to be.”

“But… you’re doing great,” Louie says.

“And yet Dad was so disappointed that I wasn’t even going to go into sports management,” Dominic says. “There’s a reason I didn’t. I wanted out. And you didn’t because you actually like hockey, unlike me.”

“I just don’t even know…” Louie takes a deep breath. “I don’t know if I wanted this. Or if I stuck with hockey just to please him. I don’t know anything anymore.”

“Hm,” Dominic says. “I don’t think that’s true. It was good for you to get away from him and Bastien this summer.”

“You think so?”

“Dad always drove the two of you to compete. It would have been easier if he’d taught you how to support each other, but he probably thought he was motivating you when he told you that Bastien was so much better. And then Bastien obviously also thought he had to be keep being better, otherwise Dad wouldn’t love him anymore.”

Louie doesn’t know what to say. His first instinct is to tell Dominic that he’s wrong, but Dominic has been on the outside looking in for years now. He’s David Attenborough and the rest of them are particularly interesting bugs. “I kept wishing I could be better than him just once. And now he’s…”

“Lou,” Dominic says. “He’s on IR, he’s not dying.”

“He still got hurt.”

“Not because of you, though. Wanna hear my advice? Find a therapist.”

“For what?”

“Can’t believe you’d even ask me this,” Dominic says. “I may have gone to med school and I may be your brother, and I can listen to you, but I wasn’t kidding when I said Dad fucked us up.”

“What if I’m too broken?” Louie whispers. Something cracks, not just in his voice.

“I honestly don’t think it matters how broken you are. You deserve to be happy just like anyone else.” A beat, then Dominic adds, “Actually, I don’t think that. My therapist thinks that.”

Somehow, Louie is and isn’t surprised that Dominic has a therapist. They’ve never talked about this before; Louie always assumed Dominic was fine. He has Cameron. He’s always been the smart one, the strong one, and Louie thought he could have made it out on the other side of the mess that their family is all by himself. Possibly, it doesn’t matter how smart and strong you are either.

Louie takes a deep breath and stares into the darkness of the Hellstroms’ backyard. Then he says, “I slept with Ryan.”

“Ah,” Dominic says.

Just. Ah . “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Eh,” Dominic says.

“Care to elaborate? ”

“When we met him, you were looking at him some kinda way,” Dominic says. “And when you talked about him—”

“I was talking about him some kinda way?” Louie asks drily.

“Exactly. I don’t think he realized, by the way. I don’t even think you realized at the time. But you kind of talk about him like you talk about hockey.”

“I… what?”

“Yeah. When you text me, it’s usually about hockey. And then you moved in with Ryan and suddenly you were talking about him, too.”

“Because he’s my roommate.”

“Right. Except you’ve had roommates before and I don’t even know those guys’ names.”

“What are you trying to say?” Louie asks.

“I’m not trying to say anything. You told me something, I told you something.” Dominic pauses for a second, but Louie can tell he’s not done. “It was good, wasn’t it? He seems like the kind of guy who’ll just completely blow your mind.”

Louie rolls his eyes, not giving a damn that Dominic can’t see it. “That’s not the point. I ran away.”

“Ohh, so I guess that brings us to the thing you fucked up?”

“Yeah.”

“You want my advice?”

“That’s why I called.”

Dominic laughs. “Okay. Well. Un-fuck it up. Ryan’s a good one. A guy can’t fix you, but he can help you fix yourself, you know? We need other people in our lives,” he says. After a moment, he adds, “And he’s hot. Come on, Lou.”

“Well, how do I—I don’t know what to do about it.”

“You know him,” Dominic says, “you’ll figure it out.”

“That’s not helpful.”

“I think this conversation was very helpful. ”

Louie won’t disagree. It was. It is. “Hey,” he says after a moment, “you’re just going to accept that I slept with a guy?”

“Sure,” Dominic says. “You did the same for me.”