Page 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

THE HOUSE IS so fucking quiet.

Ryan doesn’t like how Louie left—without even saying goodbye. Although that’s partly his fault, probably.

He did it again. Ruined a good thing.

He was trying to be supportive and took it a step too far. He thought Louie was aware of what his dad was doing to him with his constant criticism, and maybe he is on some level, but he wasn’t ready to hear someone else say it. The only time he brought it up was when he was drunk. Ryan should have tiptoed into that conversation, but he went in with a bulldozer.

He texts Louie, but he doesn’t reply.

Ryan does keep an eye on Louie’s numbers in the AHL. Two goals in his first game back. Two weeks later, he’s got a streak going. Because he’s good. It’s too bad that his dad most likely isn’t watching. If it’s not the NHL, it’s beneath him. He’s got that vibe.

After his first text to Louie sort of vanishes in the ether, Ryan doesn’t text him again, even when Louie pulls an absolutely filthy move that would have rocked Dad Hathaway’s world if only it had happened in Hartford and not in Springfield. That’s what he was talking about. Louie is good enough. It’s not his fault that the Cardinals are fucking stacked .

At the rink, the stall next to Ryan’s gets taken by Petrov. He’s nice, but he’s an in-the-zone kind of guy. He wears headphones most of the time, listening to screaming with guitars. Before games, he sits in his stall and closes his eyes, still with his headphones on. No screaming with guitars, though.

Louie was focused before games, too, but not like that. Louie talked. Mostly about their opponents’ weaknesses.

But now Ryan is stuck between in-the-zone Petrov and in-the-zone Nick and it’s weird. Nick at the very least talks to him during intermissions and after games. Mostly about plays that worked out for them. Sometimes to thank him for a good pass.

The difference between Louie and Nick is that Nick, who also lives and breathes hockey, does it fully for himself. Nick also ditched a bunch of the guys to get tacos with his friends. His non-athlete friends. Ryan has exactly one, one non-athlete friend (that would be Ami, although she was a track-and-field star in high school).

Louie is—

He’s gone and Ryan needs to stop thinking about him and wondering why he is the way he is or why it was so hard for him to believe he’s worth something. If Ryan knows one thing, it’s that you can’t force someone to open up to you.

He still calls Carrot about it.

“So his dad fucked him up with his expectations,” Carrot says. “And then this guy fucked you up because he’s unapproachable and you just… love to approach everyone around you. I get it.”

Ryan, on the couch, wrapped in the fluffy blanket, stares at the piano that Louie refused to play, even though he clearly wanted to. “I don’t—why’d you have to make it sound so dirty?”

“You’re a people person,” Carrot says. “One sec.” He disappears out of frame, followed by the telltale sound of a fridge opening. “Look,” he says, now back with a can of Coke, “you don’t need a lot of time to yourself. ”

“Are you saying I’m clingy?” Ryan asks. Shit. He’s clingy, isn’t he?

“Yeah, but not in a bad way.” Carrot shrugs. “You just need to be around people who also don’t need a lot of time to themselves. You know… extroverts.”

“Slaw’s not an extrovert and he still liked to hang out with us.”

“Yeah, but you know how he wouldn’t go clubbing with us? Slaw’s a guy who knows his limits. He goes home when he’s had enough.” Carrot sighs. “And…”

“And?” Ryan prompts when Carrot holds the rest of that sentence hostage.

“You’re the kind of person who always wants everyone to be happy,” Carrot says. “But sometimes being happy isn’t on the agenda, you know?”

“So I’m clingy and pushy.”

“No, you’re not pushy.” Carrot rolls his eyes. “Pushy is a completely different thing. You want to help and it’s tough for you when you can’t. I guess you just need to accept that you couldn’t help in this case.”

Ryan sighs. “Fine, I’ll accept it.”

“Uh-huh.”

Yeah, okay, Ryan also knows that was bullshit. “I’ll work on accepting it.”

“That’s my boy,” Carrot says. He grabs the phone and takes Ryan on a shaky walk to his own couch.

Ryan misses that couch. It was better. For no reason. He just wants it back.

“What’s with the face?” Carrot asks. “Are you—oh my God, were you fucking this guy?”

“No, what the hell, dude,” Ryan says. He has no idea why he feels like he’s lying to Carrot when he’s telling him the absolute truth. He was definitely not fucking Louie.

Carrot’s eyes narrow. “Did you want to?”

“Contrary to popular belief, gay people do not want to fuck every single guy on the planet.”

“Hey, that’s totally not what I’m saying. I know you didn’t want to fuck me , which I’m still pissed about, by the way, because I’m very handsome. I’m a catch.”

“Yeah, so why do you still not have a girlfriend?”

“Low blow, man, low blow.”

Ryan rubs his eyes. “Let’s just talk about something else.”

“Sure. How are the Cards treating ya?”

“It’s a good team,” Ryan says.

“But?”

“Does there have to be a but?”

“I thought I’d heard one,” Carrot says knowingly.

Ryan stares at the fake Netflix fireplace he’s pulled up because he has no idea how to light the real fireplace. “I don’t think I fit in.”

“Why?”

“I don’t think they like me.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know. It’s different here.”

“Oh, really? The new team you got traded to is not exactly the same as your old team? Shocking.”

“Right?” Ryan says. He’s so glad he called Carrot. Carrot is a voice of reason, which is always very helpful in countering all of Ryan’s… unreasonableness. “I just want things to be like before. I want friends, not just teammates.”

“Well, you only just got there a few weeks ago and you spent most of your time with a guy who got sent down, so essentially you’re starting all over again. It’s tough. Remember when you first came to Toronto? We weren’t friends immediately either.”

“It still felt easier back then.”

“Rye, honestly, you’re overthinking this.”

“Am I?” Ryan says. “Or do they maybe actually hate me and wish the Cards had never traded for me because I’m a clingy and pushy mess who ruins everything he touches?”

“Wow, you’re deep in it,” Carrot says. “What about Hellstrom? He seems like a good guy.”

“I mean, he’s like ten years older than me.”

“Kinda ageist.”

“That’s a thing?” Ryan asks. “Anyway, he’s got, like… kids and shit. They don’t want me hanging out there.”

“Have you asked?”

Ryan sticks out his tongue at him.

Carrot laughs. “Listen, I know you want a friend on the Cards who’s exactly as great as I am—”

“I’m not trying to replace you.”

“And I love that for me,” Carrot says. “Want my advice?”

“That’s kind of why I called you.”

“You are where you are. And, quite frankly, I think you’re better off there. Your numbers are great. You’re playing a good game. If you keep this up, they may want to keep you around for a good, long time.”

Ryan nods. “Santa is probably coming back, either for the playoffs or next season.”

“Yang’s retiring soon, maybe after this season, and I don’t think they’ll re-sign Russell when they have you.”

“Okay, good point.”

“So, you may be there for a few years at least. If you don’t find a new bestie on the team, find one somewhere else, but maybe give those guys a chance to get to know you before you write them off?”

“Ryan, you look hungry,” Liam says to him after practice two days later. “Come over for dinner. Maja misses you.”

What, did Carrot call him and tell him to take care of Ryan? He says yes to dinner anyway. The Hellstroms make great food. And Maja loves to play with dinosaurs with him, so his best friends are a couple in their thirties and a child who’s maybe… two? Is she even two yet ?

Anyway, he’s not sitting around at home playing Minecraft, he’s getting out of the house, he’s doing something.

The week after, he googles gay bars in Hartford.

He won’t go. But he stares at the addresses on his phone and thinks maybe one day . Thinks about New York. It’s not far and it’s definitely a safer bet. Safer, but not safe. He locks his phone and chucks it at the other end of the couch where it bounces off one of the fuzzy throw pillows.

The Cardinals clinch a playoff spot in late March and the guys decide to go out to celebrate after. They know a place and all Ryan has to do is tag along. He buys himself a strawberry daiquiri, which is maybe a step too far, too girly in the guys’ eyes, but then Sami sits down next to him with something called Pink Passion Party Punch, so Ryan stops worrying.

Some fans are milling about the bar; it’s not too far from the arena. Two of them ask Ryan for pictures and one of them is even wearing his jersey. He asks the girl if he can take a picture of it to send to his mom and she says, “Aww, that’s so sweet”, and poses for him.

He does send the picture to his mom. (And to Carrot.)

“Should have asked for her number,” Liam says.

“Seriously,” Sami adds.

“Nah,” Ryan says, which is his standard answer and could mean literally anything. Nah, she wasn’t his type. Nah, he’s already seeing someone. Nah, he’s actually a flaming homosexual.

She waves at him and walks away, returning to a girl at the bar who smiles when she leans in to tell her something. She laughs. They kiss.

“Ohhhh,” Liam and Sami say at the same time.

“Hm,” is Ryan’s contribution to that conversation.

Liam heads out early with a few of the older guys in tow, and eventually Ryan ends up at his little table all by himself, the stools around him empty. Sami and Mikko are at the bar having an intense conversation that involves a lot of pointing, and Yoshi, Lucky and Nick are at a table together, probably talking playoff odds.

Waldo is talking to the lesbians. Presumably lesbians. The girls who were kissing earlier. Ryan kinda wants in on that conversation, but he doesn’t want to be a dick who interrupts others either. So he stares. And feels sorry for himself.

He eventually scoots off his chair and says goodbye to the guys.

“Hey,” Sami says, “when you are coming by to meet Koira?”

Mikko laughs about a joke Ryan clearly didn’t get.

“Uh, soon?” Ryan says.

“Maybe I’ll bring him to the rink,” Sami says.

Mikko nods approvingly.

They let him go. Yoshi tells him to get home safe when Ryan says good night and asks if he’s okay to drive. He’ll take an Uber home, pick up the car tomorrow. He’s not taking any chances. Nick says he’ll give him a ride to practice in the morning.

Ryan wanders out into the night. He really wants some fries. He was thinking about grabbing a bite, but there are no bites to be grabbed. If he wanders about for a bit, though, he’ll probably come across a takeaway place that’s still open.

“Oh my God, Ryan!”

Ryan looks around and finds himself face-to-face with Louie’s brother Dominic. He’s got a handsome dude in tow. That’s probably Cameron, the elementary school teacher fiancé.

“Hey, hi,” Ryan says, eyes getting caught on the bits of bright red under their coats. “Were you at the game?”

“You sound surprised,” Dominic says. He nods at most-likely-fiancé. “This is Cameron. He’s been a Cardinals fan since he was—”

“Since I was born, actually,” Cameron says and shakes Ryan’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“His family has season tickets,” Dominic says. “They sometimes let us have them.”

Ryan was not expecting that. “Oh. ”

“I don’t tell my parents how often I go to games,” Dominic goes on. If Ryan is reading this right, he’s silently asking him not to mention it should he ever come across the Hathaways again. “It’s complicated.”

“Yeah, it, uh… it sounded like it is.”

Cameron laughs.

“Babe, come on,” Dominic says and nudges Cameron’s side.

Cameron turns to Ryan. “You’ve met them, yeah?”

“Briefly,” Ryan says, eyeing Dominic.

“Louie lived with Ryan before the Cards sent him back down,” Dominic says to Cameron.

“Ah,” Cameron says, nodding, “so you get it, right? You know that their family is completely insane?”

Ryan frowns at him. “Louie’s not—”

“He’s talking about my dad,” Dominic says.

It’s probably rude to agree with Cameron because the Hathaway’s mess is not Ryan’s mess and Dad Hathaway’s impossible standards are not his problem and what he’s doing to Louie is—it’s fucked up. And Ryan is still pissed on Louie’s behalf, even though they haven’t talked since he went back to Springfield.

Ryan clears his throat. “Have you heard from him? Louie, I mean?”

“I haven’t,” Dominic says but doesn’t sound too concerned. “He’s pissed because he got sent back down, even though it was inevitable when Petrov came back. He sulks. It’s what he does. You just need to, you know, keep the door open for him.”

“I sent him a text,” Ryan says. “He didn’t reply.”

“Give it some time,” Dominic says. “All Louie’s been told since he was a kid is that whatever he does isn’t good enough. He doesn’t get that sometimes saying sorry is actually all it takes. And he doesn’t get that people who aren’t our dad want to be around him even if he’s not the best hockey player of all time.” He nods at Ryan. “He liked living with you.”

“Yeah, I, uh… I liked having him there. ”

“He’ll be back,” Dominic says.

“Next season at the latest,” Cameron says. “Calling it now, he’ll be on the roster full-time.”

Dominic gives Ryan a gentle pat on the back before they part ways. “Thank you for caring about him,” he says.

That sentence eats its way through Ryan like acid on the way home. His Uber driver isn’t talkative, so Ryan spends most of the ride staring at the text he sent to Louie. Still unanswered.

Slowly he starts to type. Deletes. Types something else. Tries to find the right words. He hits send just before they make it to his place.

To: Louie

I know I overstepped when I said all that stuff about your dad

Then:

I’m sorry

And:

hope you’re okay