Page 42 of Buck (Diver Downeast #2)

Looking at Buck’s face as the call ended and everyone disconnected, Bobbie knew she’d screwed up.

She’d slowly been getting to the point in her head where she believed she might trust Buck with her heart, and now…? With her ill-timed words, she’d clearly jumped the gun. Buck looked expectant, and excited, like he was anticipating a declaration. But she just wasn’t ready.

“Listen.”

They both said it at the same time, then gave twin, uncomfortable laughs.

“You go,” Buck told Bobbie.

“No. You,” Bobbie prompted back.

Buck sucked in a deep breath. “Okay. Fine. I won’t lie. You caught me off guard, but what you said to Tex made me extremely happy. I instantly pictured us with a white picket fence, and a brood of kids, all looking like you.”

“Just looking like me?” Bobbie snorted. “We have the same coloring, you know.”

“Umm, okay.” Buck looked even more hopeful at her spontaneous reply.

Dammit. She’d done it again. Voiced her thoughts without considering the implications. And now, it seemed she’d be fucking Buck up even more.

Shit.

It was time for her to come clean. Or cleaner as to where her head was at.

Bobbie had told Buck just a few days ago that she wasn’t ready to commit to loving anyone, but the compass needle had been slowly changing since then, and she was a lot closer to thinking it might actually work; her loving him.

Letting Buck know her updated timetable might make him feel a little better, even though she wasn’t quite ready to say the “L” word yet.

“Fine. My turn to talk,” she told him, pulling all her determination to the forefront. “Here it is in a nutshell. I agreed with Tex because…I’m pretty sure I’m moving in that direction with you, Buck.”

He looked like someone had just handed him the key to the entire firmament.

She hated to wipe the blooming smile off his face, but she wasn’t about to lead him on with promises of something immediate that she might not be able to keep. The next thing she had to say would certainly harsh his buzz.

“However, I’m not at the point yet where I want to hand you, or anybody else, my heart on a platter.

I’m…waiting.” This was the difficult part, and she let the broken questions that lay within her, see daylight.

“What am I waiting for? I’m not sure. And I’m sorry for that.

But I feel like I’ll know it when it hits me.

If it hits me. And you will definitely be the first to know, when that epiphany comes. ”

Buck sobered, but he didn’t flinch away as Bobbie leaned in and placed her cheek against his chest to continue.

“You mean more to me than anyone in my life, Buck. Well, at least since I was little and my mother was still acting like a mother,” she sighed. “But…” Could she go on? Her throat closed up, and she couldn’t quite get the words out.

“But it still hurts that she left you,” Buck interjected knowingly, stroking her back.

“She walked out and you were unprotected. At the mercy of your brothers who’ve never shown you a single ounce of love,” Buck grunted.

“I understand, Bobbie. I do. It’s almost impossible, after what you’ve been through, to give anyone power to inflict more wounds.

Which I did, inadvertently, when all that shit went down fifteen years ago.

But I’m not that person. I never was. That was a lie your brothers told.

I never hurt you, Bobbie. Believe me, I never will. I only want you to be happy.”

He wound up to speak again before she could form a coherent sentence after his initial spew of sincerity.

“Whether you say the words or not, know this from me. I love you, and I will always love you. And giving you that, saying it to you, fills me with so much pleasure, it’s more than enough.

Which means you don’t ever have to feel like you need to say it back.

I would never force you into declaring something you’re not ready for. ”

Bobbie felt like weeping.

Buck was so freaking understanding. He was everything she remembered as a teen, and more. If this were fifteen years ago, she wouldn’t have hesitated to say the words back to him. She’d only held off back then because the foolish boy he’d been had wanted to wait before getting serious.

She should have said it, though, and then she should have trusted him that he hadn’t screwed her over. She should have known that her brothers were the ones spewing vitriol, not Buck.

Her voice, when she found it, emerged raspily. “I’m getting there, Buck. Really, I am. I…hope I’ve shown you with my actions, how much you mean to me. So, if it takes me a little longer before I can actually…commit, bear with me. Please.”

“For as long as it takes.” Buck picked up her hand and kissed her palm. “I’m not going anywhere.”

His stomach chose that moment to growl.

Loudly.

They both laughed, the tension broken for the moment.

“Let’s get something to eat,” Bobbie suggested, glad to have that conversation over and done. “Then we can spend the rest of the night doing…whatever.” She lowered her lids and licked her bottom lip, seeing if she could distract Buck.

He growled. “Woman. You want me to think about food when you do that?”

Score .

“Just teasing,” Bobbie snarked, leaping out of bed with a squeal as he reached for her. “Let’s see what we have on the menu.”

After kissing each other in the small galley until they were both practically breathless, Buck’s stomach spoke again, and they refocused, debating cold food versus hot.

They ended up with cold cuts, bread, and cheese; spreading it out to have a picnic on their messed-up blankets while they teased and fed each other.

Cooper and Reyghan looked on, begging the entire time, until they got what they were looking for, the spoiled little devils.

Bobbie was glad the mood had lightened, although she still felt a little guilty that she couldn’t simply drop her stupid barriers and tell Buck she loved him.

But the hurt inside her ran deeply, and it was going to take some time before she trusted her own feelings where any one person was concerned.

Bobbie squared her shoulders. She wasn’t going to perseverate on this for a second longer.

Buck seemed confident in his love, which would either prove itself or not, over time.

And if he stuck to his guns and continued the way he was, Bobbie was sure she’d eventually believe in love again, and the words would spring to her lips, unbidden.

Bobbie and Buck finished their entire repast, then cleaned up amidst a bunch of teasing and some light, physical hijinks. They were both too full to do anything more, just yet.

Once the storm had mostly passed, they found some energy and ran the dogs in laps around the deck outside to tire the babies out.

When they finally came back in, wet and laughing, they dried off first, then took care of the dogs. The puppies resettled on their bed, while Bobbie and Buck went back to theirs.

It wasn’t long before the flame between them reignited.

Buck’s sorcery, some sleight of hand, and his enchanted mouth, had her both screaming and seeing stars; a two-fer she’d never get tired of.

She returned his generosity, if not with magic, at least with unchecked enthusiasm, and he seemed more than satisfied.

When they finally began to drift off, Bobbie couldn’t help but lament.

“This is the last time I’ll see you before we execute our plan,” she murmured into his armpit grumpily.

Tex, as well as the chief and Mason, had told them it was better if she and Buck put a hold on getting together again, to throw her brothers off Buck’s tail.

Bobbie had agreed. She didn’t like that one of her siblings had been trying to sabotage Buck’s house. If by feigning disinterest in him for the week, she could stop them from pulling any shit that would harm Buck, she’d suffer a bit of melancholia to make it happen.

“I know,” Buck answered sleepily with a grimace. “And I don’t like it, either. But we can still talk,” he grunted. “I’ll expect a call at least every night.”

“You know, the phone works both ways,” she admonished a little sassily, giving a playful nip to his ribcage.

“True. But it only makes sense for you to call me,” he explained.

“I’m not working with the public yet. Spence and I are still busy setting things up at our new shop.

You, on the other hand, are like a tornado; never sitting still.

Which means I never know when I’m interrupting you doing something important. ”

Wow . Buck had really given some thought to that. And it was a first. Neither of her brothers ever gave a shit if she was in the middle of serving a party of two, or two-hundred. Whatever they wanted always took precedence.

“Okay. I’ll call you, then,” Bobbie readily agreed.

As she settled down to sleep, a smile played on her lips. She hoped he wasn’t expecting those calls to be limited to once a day.

Shit. Not seeing Buck, sucked.

It had only been three days, and already Bobbie was jonesing for the man’s solid presence. She wanted to touch him, smell him, wrap herself around him and simply soak in his…rightness.

It was a damned good thing she was swamped this weekend.

Today she was catering a large retirement party for the executive of a local insurance company, and tomorrow she had a funeral spread to put on. It was enough to keep her brain mostly engaged until those precious moments when she could sneak out and call him, just to hear his voice.

He’d begun to tease her that she couldn’t live without him, and maybe he was right. Maybe this was what love was all about; an all-encompassing need to hear someone, be with them, or simply bask in an uncomplicated back and forth over what their day had been like.

Bobbie was jonesing for some Buck time right now.

She finally found just a few minutes where everything at the current event seemed to be running smoothly enough that she could slip away and get her “fix”. Mel would take over for a bit.