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Chapter Thirty-Nine

Austen

My pencil glides over the paper with ease, the gloomy haze outside adding to the ambiance of Cam’s bedroom. I was supposed to leave two days ago, but I decided to stay a little longer. I told Cam it was because I wanted to see more of New York, but that was a lie.

Well, not a complete lie, because there’s still a lot I want to see, but that’s not my reason for staying.

I’d made the decision to buy the building—536 Rainy Ave—that night. Yes, I was scared I was making the wrong choice because it needs a lot of work. It won’t be ready for at least a year with all the things that need to be done. Which means I’ll have to commute for a while. Make frequent trips to oversee the work, which makes leaving to go home a little more palatable.

My pencil shades in the planes of shadows along the sheets that drape over his hip. I trace my lines over and over again, each stroke making the light turn to dark. Some graphite spreads along my forearm; the shapes tattooing themself along my skin as my arm and wrist move of their own accord.

I know I’ll have to go home. But now…

Now I don’t have to stay.

I’ve wanted to tell him for two days, but every time I try, my throat gets tight, my heart plummets to the bottom of my stomach, and I can’t seem to find the words.

It doesn’t help that every time he kisses me my brain becomes absolute mush.

Savannah told me I don’t take risks, and she was right.

But I think I never had anything to risk before, so that’s why I never did. Nothing was ever worth it before.

Cam’s chest rises and falls rhythmically as he tightens his grip on his pillow in his sleep, his dark lashes standing out against his tan skin, his hair messy and sticking out in static tufts from rolling around in the sheets all night.

What would he say? If he knew? Would he think I’m crazy? I mean, I know that was the goal originally, but…

But it’s not about BrewTech. Not really.

Being here, being with him these last nine days have been a wake up call.

Savannah was right. It’s not just about the properties.

It’s about what’s here.

It’s about what’s in my heart, what’s been there all along but I was too blind to see before.

But this—Cam and I? It’s still uncharted territory. It’s still… new.

I haven’t dated anyone since I was a senior in high school. Since before I got together with Savannah.

And once I had Savannah, I didn’t feel inclined to look anywhere else. It was easy enough to see that she could fit the role; she was pretty, she seemed to like me—at the time, anyway—but dating Savannah was kind of like throwing baseballs at the cat rack at the fair.

Even when you’re sure of your target, somehow you always miss.

But at least I knew how to date a woman. Knew how to be what they wanted, so I could fit the role.

But I don’t know the first thing about dating a guy.

I don’t know what kind of boyfriend to be.

Boyfriend.

The word settles on me, and I expect it to freak me out, but it doesn’t.

It feels strangely right.

Is that what we are? Is he my boyfriend?

Is that what he sees me as?

My hand stops as I lick my lips, taking in the sight of Cam as the sheets shift, slipping down his body to expose his ass.

His body is a work of art. One I’m still trying to learn, in many ways.

But I want to learn. I want to be coded for him, the way he’s clearly been coded for me.

I want to be the best boyfriend he’s ever had.

I grin at the word. Boyfriend.

He groans and I know he’s awake, so I close my sketchpad and slip it between the stacked books on his shelf with my pencil before he can see.

Not that I’m embarrassed by my early morning studies, but I’m not sure I’m ready for him to see my stalker sketches. The ones I’ve been doing every morning when I wake up, before I make him breakfast.

Some things I just want to keep for myself.

“Austen,” he groans, tightening his grip around his pillow. “Come back to bed. It’s too early to get up,” he says, his voice tinged with sleep.

It’s eight a.m. Usually I have a full breakfast ready by now. Technically, it’s late for me, and very un-routine of me.

But I couldn’t help getting lost in all his details this morning. Probably because I’m still trying to process the fact I bought the building and what that really means for me. For us.

I should tell him.

I know I should, but there’s still a part of me that’s worried I’ll scare him off with a gesture like that.

Cam isn’t the kind of guy who likes grand gestures. I also know he isn’t the kind of guy who stays in one place very long.

But it’s been almost two weeks that he’s been here. He hasn’t mentioned a job or needing to leave. Maybe…

“Austen…” He reaches one hand out, his fingers grazing my knee.

“It’s eight,” I say. “I still need to make breakfast, and—”

His hand finds mine, fingers sliding between mine. My heart skips a beat as he tugs.

“I got your breakfast right here,” he murmurs and I can’t help the smile that graces my lips as I let him pull me closer. “All the vitamin D you need.”

“Mhmm.” My gaze roves over his ass, my cock twitching in my underwear. He is a buffet alright.

One I can’t seem to get enough of.

So I let him pull me down to the bed. I don’t fight him. He scoots back enough to make room for me and I crawl into bed wordlessly. Cam wraps his arms around me, pulling me back into his chest as he cuddles me. I back my ass against his dick and he chuckles.

“You are insatiable,” he murmurs in my ear. “Always ready to go.”

Panic and anxiety hit, souring the moment. Because they remind me of someone else.

God, how much sex do you need, Austen? Seriously.

I tense, trying to push the memory away. I don’t want her to poison what’s perfect.

Cam must sense my tension, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he slips his hand between the band of my underwear until his hand wraps around my cock.

His twitches against my ass, and I close my eyes, reveling in the heady feel, a soft moan escaping my throat.

The dark chuckle that leaves his mouth is smooth like bourbon.

“I love it,” he says.

I love it too. But it’s not how I want to go, not this morning.

“Take it off,” I tell him as I shift my position, turning on my side. Cam doesn’t question me, just peels off my underwear as I lift my hips until I’m bare.

I grind my cock against his, grabbing him by the throat, his pulse kicking up as I devour him in a deep kiss.

This… this is so worth the risk , I think to myself.

Cam kisses me back, sliding his tongue into my mouth. I roll him over in the sheets until I’m straddling his waist, gazing down at him.

My hands settle on his chest, fingers tracing his defined muscles, dancing the pathway down his abdomen to his navel, through the hair beneath it. His cock bobs against mine, his stormy grey eyes flashing up at me.

I expect them to look elsewhere, but they stay on my face. They hold me without chains, keeping me still.

No one’s ever looked at me that way before. Like they love me.

The real me.

My throat tightens as I try to find the words.

I love you.

I realize with startling clarity that I’ve said those words a hundred times to Savannah, but I’ve never felt them. I said them because they were the script. They were written in the code.

But as I look at Cameron beneath me, one hand wrapped around our cocks, the other settled on his stomach, I realize what they mean.

What it feels like to actually love.

I love him. I think I’ve always loved him. I think it would be impossible to stop loving him.

“Fuck, Austen…” He thrusts his hips up, making his cock slide against mine. I slowly stroke us, lathering our cocks in our combined precum and he groans. Loudly.

I watch him intently, committing every expression and sound to memory.

He’s so beautiful when he comes undone; all tensing muscles and pinched eyebrows and parted lips.

All pleasure. All mine.

I have to stop, though, or I’ll come and I don’t want to. Not yet, anyway.

I let go, knowing he’s close. We both are.

“Can I fuck you?” I ask, my heart pounding away in my chest.

The words I want to say are so much deeper than that, but every time I try to say them, I freeze. Actions speak louder than words, right?

I’ve had sex a handful of times— with Savannah, since she was my first—but I’ve never made love to her.

I’ve never felt connected during the act. Quite the opposite, actually.

And honestly, every time I had sex with Savannah, it always ended with me getting myself off.

But I get the feeling that sex with Cam will be different. And not just because he’s a man, though there is that.

Cam bites his bottom lip, and I think he’s going to say no.

We haven’t talked about it much, except for the basics. I know he’s clean because he made a point to show me he gets tested, and was adamant that he used condoms every time. I’m fine using them, if it makes him feel better. I haven’t been tested in awhile, since Savannah and I stopped having sex altogether.

But she was the only person I ever slept with, and the last time I did get a test, I was clean as a whistle, which I told him.

I’ve also done my research the past couple mornings while I waited for the coffee to brew.

I know to make sure we’re both properly lubed up. I know he needs to be stretched before I go blasting in. I know I need to take it slow and not rush. And yeah, I’ve watched a couple videos to get the mechanics down.

It might be my first time, but I want it to be good. Not just for me, but…

I want it to be good for him, too.

He glances up at me, and I can see the briefest glimmer of vulnerability in his eyes.

Before I can tell him we don’t have to if he doesn’t want to, he sits up, wrapping his arms around me. His hand settles on my ass as he pulls me closer. One hand finds my hair and he grips a handful in his fist.

I cry out, my cock jumping from the touch. God, I love when he does that.

I love what he does to me, inside and out.

“Yes,” he swallows, his voice dark. “Yes, Austen. In fact, I want you to fuck me.”

I don’t miss the smirk on his lips or the glimmer of interest in his eyes.

“But under one condition,” he adds.

My hands slide over his hard chest, fingers deftly pinching and teasing his nipples as I get lost in his stormy gaze. The sound of rain hits the window, a soft pitter-patter like chimes.

“What’s that?” I ask, my voice nearly breathless.

“You let me return the favor,” he says. It takes a minute before I realize what he means.

Oh.

He wants to fuck me.

I swallow as that fact lands. It should make me feel weird, probably even a little anxious, but honestly?

It just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy because it means he wants me the way I want him.

And so much more.

“Even if it’s just once,” he adds. “Try it. With me.”

I kiss him deeply, nodding. “Okay,” I say.

His muscles tense with surprise as he leans his forehead against mine.

“Okay?” he breathes, his shock evident.

“I trust you,” I tell him. “I trust you more than anyone.”

I bought a building for you.

I love you.

I want to live with you and wake up like this every fucking day.

I want to be yours in every way possible.

All the words get stuck, so I kiss him instead.

Tell me you love me.

Tell me you want it all and you want it with me…

Cameron kisses me back, his hand in my hair tightening his grip before he pushes me forward until my back hits the mattress. He angles himself over me, running his hand down my neck. He stretches himself along me, grinding his hips against me and I can’t help but moan. I know what he’s doing, sneaky little asshole.

I wrap my legs around his hips, playing into his trick. Watch him grin as I thrust myself up against his cock.

I tighten my grip on his sides, and flip him. He’s not a huge guy or anything, but it still takes some strength and control to flip him, but I do it easily, because he doesn’t expect it.

His back hits the mattress with a thud.

“Fucking hell, Austen…”

I love it when he curses my name.

“Wait your turn,” I say, taking his mouth viciously. The groan that escapes him makes my cock throb. “Turn over,” I whisper.

For a moment, I think he’s changed his mind. That the shift between us is off-putting and he doesn’t want to do this.

But what he actually does is roll over beneath me so I can feel everything. Including when he backs his ass against my cock.

My cock twitches with a fresh bout of precum, and I have to purse my lips and regain control.

I need to do this right.

“So fucking bossy,” he says, his voice full of humor.

I move off him, opening the drawer by his side of the bed.

I pull out the lube and two condoms. Just in case of an emergency.

I read that if you go too hard, too fast, you can bust it. Not that I think it’ll happen, but…

Cam’s voice is shaky, pulling my attention.

“No condoms,” he says. I stop, turning to look at him. His stormy grey eyes meet mine and I can see the turmoil on his face.

“But you said—”

“I trust you,” he says, his voice strangely vulnerable. “I trust you more than anyone.”

His words fall on me, the weight of their truth like a warm, weighted blanket.

Because it feels like he’s saying something else.

Maybe the words are stuck in his throat, too.

“If you’re sure,” I say, sliding them back in the drawer.

Cam nods. “I’m sure.”

I squirt some cold lube in my palm as I get back on the bed, warming it in my hand, spreading it along my fingers. His breath is heavy, the wait thick and tense.

I run my hands over his ass, watching the imprint of my fingers mark him when I squeeze it. He hisses when I smack it lightly, just so I can watch it jiggle.

I’m prolonging this, I know, but I don’t want to rush it. I want to savor this because I know the moment I bury myself in him, it’s all over.

There’s no going back.

I’ll be his forever.

I slide one finger into his tight hole and he nearly jumps off the bed.

“Sorry,” I say, removing it quickly.

Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe…

“Don’t be sorry, and don’t you dare fucking stop now,” he says, his voice sharp, demanding.

Needy.

I blink, realizing he wants this.

He wants this as bad as I do, and he’s hanging by a thread. A stupid grin courses over my lips.

“Oh, so you want some more?” I tease, driving my finger back in. Cam hisses again as I slowly build a rhythm, getting used to the tight feeling.

How the hell am I going to fit?

Work him up a bit more, that’s how.

Panic and anxiety start to swell. What if I hurt him? What if he—

Cam breathes out a short breath. “Add another,” he says. It’s not a command, it’s guidance.

Guidance I’m more than thankful for.

I do as he asks, adding another finger.

“Scissor it a bit. The motion.” He looks back at me over his shoulder, his grey eyes meet mine and suddenly the nerves fall away.

This… this is Cam.

I’m not going to hurt him. Ever.

I do as he asks, getting used to the feeling. His shoulders tense and he lets out a moan.

“That feels good?” I ask. He nods, pushing his hips back, trying to take more of my fingers, but I can’t go any further.

“Fuck yes,” he says, breathless. My cock throbs, wet and weeping.

“Are you ready?” I ask, but I’m not certain if I’m asking him or myself. Maybe both.

He huffs out a deep sigh. “Yes.”

“I’ll go slow,” I promise him, but I think it’s more of an assurance for myself.

If I don’t take my time, I think I might come early and I don’t want that.

I remove my fingers and grab the bottle of lube.

I go through the motions methodically. Cold liquid coats my shaft and a moment later I’m lining myself up, guiding my head inside his perfect seam.

“Fuck!” Cam bites as I press inside. I stop, retracting almost immediately.

“Are you okay?” I ask, alarmed. “Did I—”

“Keep going,” he says, his voice strained. “Keep going, please.” His shoulders tense, as do his forearms. “Please,” he begs.

I inch inside of him, slowly, getting used to the feel. It’s tight. Much tighter than I expected, but it feels really good.

He clenches me like a vice and I let out a curse of my own as I bottom out.

His breath borders on panting and the air leaves my lungs. For a moment it’s quiet and nothing can be heard but our breath, and the heavy beating of my heart.

I grab his hips, pulling him back as I begin to move, instinct taking over.

One slow thrust turns into two, two turns into three. In, out, in, out.

His entire body relaxes in my hold as he pushes back against me, meeting me thrust for thrust.

“Fuck, you feel so good…” He groans.

His praise spurs something inside of me I didn’t know existed. I push him down with one hand and he lets me. One hand finds its way into his hair while the other finds his cock.

He’s sticky and wet with precum and I use it like lube, stroking his cock in tandem with every thrust.

He pushes back against me. “Harder,” he says.

I obey his command without hesitation, snapping my hips, and it’s like I’ve been shattered into a million pieces.

The rhythm comes easily. I get lost in his moans, his throbbing cock, the sounds of wet skin and ecstasy filling the air as I fuck him.

“I’m coming,” he cries, his fingers tangling in the sheets, gripping them tight. I pull him back until I’m seated and he’s arched against me, his back to my chest. I find his mouth with mine as I pump him through his orgasm. The minute his cum fills my hand I lose it.

I don’t manage to get a word out, or even a moan.

All that escapes my throat is a deep, strangled grunt, tangled up in ecstasy.

The words are on the tip of my tongue.

I love you.

But before I can say them, Cameron kisses me, his hand sliding up into my hair, fingers pulling on my locks tightly before letting go.

I write the letters on his tongue with mine as I come undone. My free hand slides over his chest, over his heart and his hand finds mine there.

And I think maybe he knows.

Maybe he’s always known.

He shifts position, pulling me down into the sheets until we’re lying together. I pull out of him as I start to soften. Suddenly I feel tired.

I cuddle him close, burying my face in his neck.

“Best sex. Ever,” I whisper.

Cam chuckles. “Ever, huh?”

I nod sleepily against his neck. “Yup.”

When Cam leaves the bed, I panic, worrying I said something wrong.

But when I hear the sound of the shower running, I breathe easier.

I look at the clock. It’s nine thirty.

Well past breakfast time.

But maybe time doesn’t matter.

So instead of getting up and cooking, I find my way into the shower with Cameron.

Food can wait.

Because right now, all I want to do is live in this perfect moment, with the man I love, a little longer.

So that’s exactly what I do, until the water runs cold.