Page 40

THIRTY-EIGHT

NIK

After I leave Charlie by the elevator, I walk into the gym and do a quick sweep to make sure there’s no one inside, then I take my phone out and look at the screen for a long moment.

“Just fucking do it,” I tell myself and press call.

It rings only one time and then the call connects.

“Niko.” His voice is deeper and... mature. Fuck, just hearing him call me that has my eyes dampening.

“Maxim,” I say simply because what else am I supposed to do? Say hi, how are you? There’s no room for casual here, but I guess I do know where to start with the apologies. “Sorry for calling without a warning.”

“It’s fine,” he says hurriedly. “I was just finishing up an interview.”

“You were?” I frown, hating that I don’t know anything. “Interview for what? ”

“Oh,” he says, sounding absentminded. “For a job at a law firm.”

Law firm?

“You should go back in,” I admonish him.

Him getting a job is more important than this. Though I have no idea where he’s been living all this time... and that’s just another stab to my heart. I didn’t know he was a lawyer. Does that mean he’s still in college? How the hell has he been paying for it? I guess if he saved all the money I sent him for all these years he could’ve paid for it, but still…

“No.” His voice snaps me out of that self-pity downward spiral I was going down. “They were total assholes, it’s fine. Why, uh... Why did you call?”

I sigh, deciding the best way to handle this is to focus on what’s important.

I saw the messages coming through—about ten every second—when Charlie told his family through text, but he was right when he said I’d call Max when I was ready, and I’ve never been one to delay the inevitable, so I just go for it.

“Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all I’ve missed, I’m sorry for leaving you alone, I’m sorry that I didn’t understand that I could forgive you until now, but I’m not calling about that. I just wanted you to hear it from me. I have a boyfriend, and there’s a picture of us holding hands coming out tonight. So yeah, just wanted you to not be surprised by that,” I finish lamely .

“Fuck, Niko, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” I ask, confused.

“I’m sorry they’re outing you,” he says like I’m slow.

“Oh yeah, well. That’s fine. It’s just annoying.”

“I bet,” he muses. “Thank you for calling me. Are you happy with him?” The question surprises me.

“Yes, I am.” I tell him truthfully. And since I know from his texts he always watches my games, I know he’ll understand. “It’s Charlie Heart.”

“I had a feeling,” he says.

“What feeling?” I demand.

“Well, the way you defended him in that game in LA, I just thought you guys must be close.”

“You have no idea,” I say smugly and in a leering tone.

“Ugh, that’s disgusting,” he snaps at me, and I laugh.

It feels damn good to laugh with my little brother again.

“Anyway, I... I need to get ready for the game tonight.” Suddenly I need the call to be over. I need to step back.

“I’m glad you’ll be on the ice again. They’re not the same without you.” His words surprise me, and despite myself, I’m flattered.

“Thank you, but they won the first round in four games. They’ve been doing just fine without me.”

“Maybe, but you make the game more fun to watch.” I can hear the smile in his tone, so it’s jarring when it changes so suddenly to anger. “Except when you’re taking pucks to the fucking head and making me lose my mind with worry. ”

I wince, only now thinking what that must’ve been like for him.

“Not doing that again,” I assure him, because I don’t know what else to say.

“You better not, and you make sure that Heart takes care of you too, out there.”

“I’ll tell him you said so,” I murmur, a small smile tilting my lips.

“You told him about me?” he asks, clearly surprised.

“Yeah, he’s the one who wrote to you after my injury.” There’s no time right now to get into how Charlie found out about him. But somehow, I know there will be a time. Eventually.

“Thank you for calling me,” he says then, emotion clear in his voice.

“Thank you for picking up,” I answer back, my accent coming out without my say-so because he could’ve given up on me a long time ago and he didn’t. I’m going to have to find a way to make it up to him.

“Talk soon?” he asks, hopeful.

“Absolutely,” I promise, and don’t pull the phone back until I hear the call disconnect.

“I can’t believe you’re still doing the stupid accent thing.”

I spin around quickly, surprised someone’s in here, but seeing Laney shaking his head at me makes all the emotions of the call fall away.

“I knew you before you started doing that, you know? ”

I smile back at his amused expression and shrug.

“Yeah, it helps me remember my parents,” I tell him honestly, as he walks over.

“I know, buddy.” He claps me on the shoulder.

“Charlie and I are together.” I blurt it out without giving myself the time to think it through. Then I see I need to clarify. “Like, we’re boyfriends.”

“Jesus, Santa,” he groans, and throws his head back like he’s in pain. “You never make things easy, do you?” he sounds tired and exasperated, but then he snaps his head down and smiles. “Does Gab know?” He looks excited by the prospect of witnessing that scene so it’s a pleasure to burst that bubble for him.

“Charlie’s telling her now.”

“What, you were too scared?” he teases.

“No, he lost the bet.” I can’t help the smile that takes over as I think about just how amazing that bet was.

“Ugh, do I wanna know?” Laney groans, probably interpreting my smile correctly.

“Probably not.” I smirk. “We’re going to tell the team later.”

“Fuck, you better not screw with their mood. Why don’t you wait?—”

“Some gossip magazine or blog or whatever is posting a picture of us holding hands tonight. Before the game.” I drop that bomb and see it lands straight on target.

“Motherfuckers,” he spits.

“That’s about right,” I mumble.

Now, sitting in front of Gab, the leader I’ve followed for years and thought I would follow forever, I wait until I hear the sound of the door click closed and then begin.

“So you want me out of your team, huh?”

I’m not letting her get the first word in.

“No, I don’t,” she says, letting out a big breath and closing her eyes.

“It sure seems like you do,” I counter and cross my arms over my chest.

“Santa,” she starts, and the sad tone grabs my attention. “You’re the heart of this team?—”

I interrupt her with a scoff.

“No I’m not. I’m part of the team. Bear is the heart. Jules is the heart.”

She shakes her head and looks down.

“You’re thirty-three,” she murmurs. “I know you never want to retire. Everyone around here has heard you say it a million times. If it were up to me, you’d never leave the building.” She looks up then. “But it’s not up to me, and it never should be. You’ve had an amazing career, and I’m doing my fucking best to make sure in your last years you get all the wins you can handle. But don’t you want to go out on your terms? Don’t you want to make sure you’re still fit and strong and able to live a full life after? ”

“That’s not your decision to make,” I mutter through gritted teeth.

“Maybe not. But I do want all of that for you. I want you to go out on top. I don’t want you to have to give up your skates because of something like taking a puck to the head. Don’t you see? That can happen in any given game.” She leans forward and her eyes beg me to listen to her. “You might never have gotten up after that, Santa,” she says reasonably.

“So what, you went behind my back and got Charlie here because you love me so much and want what’s best for me?” I ask, my tone betraying that I think that’s preposterous.

“Yes,” she cries and slaps her desk. “Last year you played the last three games of the finals with four broken ribs, Santa. Do you realize how dumb that is? Then I found out, only because your fucking lawyer contacted me, that you were applying for citizenship and needed me to sign a bunch of things to help make the process smoother. I knew right then that like it or not, you were thinking about life after hockey. Because you’d finally understood that if you wanted to stay here you were going to need that citizenship. I thought bringing Charlie here would be another push in the right direction, that it would make you realize that retirement isn’t the end of the world. ”

I frown at that.

Because I do know it’s not the end of the world.

I do . . .

Now , a voice whispers from the back of my head. I know that now because I have Charlie.

And that hits me like a ton of bricks.

“So, why did you bench me?” I ask, desperate to change the subject, I can’t focus on any of the other shit she said because that’s all over and done with.

“Because you lost your shit on the ice when Charlie went down,” she shouts and throws her hands up. “I thought it would be good to give you some time to cool off, and it would help you remember what you should and shouldn’t do on the fucking ice.”

“And why didn’t you just tell me?” I demand.

“Because you’d already given me the death stare before when I saw you in the gym. You weren’t going to hear anything I had to say.”

“That’s not true,” I snap. “Jules was fucking mad at you, and I mean really mad. I had to calm him down after we heard the news. And then you send us Timmy without any kind of warning. I thought you were trading me away!”

Her face falls then.

“No, no, no. Santa, that’s not what I wanted you to think. I would never trade you,” she says quickly, speaking so fast that I almost can’t understand her.

“Well, after hearing from Charlie that you wanted him to convince me to retire, how was I supposed to know that?” Now I’m the one throwing my arms in the air.

“God, this is such a mess.”

“You think?” I deadpan .

“Oh, shut it. I made a mistake, you don’t have to rub it in,” she mumbles.

With that, all the tension drains from me, and I laugh.

It starts out slow, but soon enough I’m clutching my stomach and bending over. Gab shakes her head at me, amusement clear in her eyes.

“You done?” she asks, rolling her eyes, a few minutes later.

“Yes.” I wipe a tear from my eye and stand. “I think I am.”

“You need to go tell the team now.” I lose the smile, and the good mood. “Oh, relax. They’re going to be fine with it.” She waves a hand carelessly.

“I haven’t told them anything,” I confess.

“They’ll understand,” she assures me. I nod because what else can I do besides face the music?

“What happened?” Charlie asks as soon as I step out of Gab’s office. I don’t stop, but just keep going until we’re at the elevator.

“She explained why she did everything.”

“And?” he asks, impatient.

“I’ll tell you later. We have to tell the team now,” I remind him, and step into the elevator.

“No, tell me now.”

I sigh like it’s a big sacrifice.

“She wants me to get out while I’m at the top and not when I can’t use my head anymore because I’ve taken too many hits. I also called Max,” I tell him while we’re alone. “Where’s Silas, by the way?”

“Nikolay, what the fuck.” He grabs my arm and pulls me out of the elevator as soon as the doors open, then he shoves me into an empty PT room. “You talked to your brother?” he demands, crossing his arms.

“Yeah,” I whisper, smiling and feeling wonder at the fact that I did.

“How did it go?” He whispers the question though there’s no one around.

“It went well,” I admit and sigh. “He doesn’t have a problem with me having a boyfriend, which is good. And he was interviewing for a legal firm?” I tell him like it’s a question because I still don’t understand that. “I have no clue what’s going on there, but I had to be quick. I did tell him we’d talk soon, though.”

“That’s awesome,” Charlie tells me, and he walks over, opens his arms, and I fall into them. “I’m so proud of you,” he whispers right by my ear.

“Thanks,” I mumble, feeling more of the tension drain away as he holds me. “We really need to hurry, though. The game is in two hours and we have to give the guys time to get back into focus after we tell them, and we still don’t know exactly when they’re posting the fucking pictures.”

“Yeah,” he says in a sigh and steps back. “Let’s go, then.”

Neither of us walks slowly on our way to the locker room. It’s like we’ve both decided it’s time, and a tiny part of me—very, very tiny—is actually excited.

I do a quick head count when we walk in, and realize every player in the team is here. It’s a wonder none of them are in the bathroom, or stuffing their faces in our break room or the gym.

“Hey,” I shout to get them to shut up and listen.

With their attention firmly on me, though, I suddenly forget how I wanted to tell them, and well...

“So, Charlie and I are bumping uglies.”

There’s only silence and Charlie drops his head, covers his face with his hands, and groans. Loudly. I take their reaction to mean they don’t know what I’m talking about, so of course I say the next ridiculous thing that I can come up with.

“You know,” I drawl. “I am riding the bone express, I am polishing his pole, we are doing the horizontal tango, we are mattress dancing, we are—” Charlie slaps his hand over my mouth, thank God.

“Okay, that’s enough.” I might be thankful that he shut me up, but I’m not going to tell him that, or let him get away with it. “Ew,” he shouts and pulls his hand back. “Did you seriously just lick me?” he asks, looking offended, though I know he’s not.

“You love it when I lick you,” I say suggestively and wag my eyebrows at him.

“Oh my God,” comes my best friend’s deep voice from the other side of the room. Everyone stops looking at the train wreck of Charlie and me and swings around to look at our goalie.

He’s standing there with a huge smile, and just like I did over a year ago when the whole team walked into a visitor’s locker room and we found Drew on Bear’s lap, he throws his arms up and shouts, “Santa’s got a boyfriend!”

“Wait,” Eagle calls out in the midst of all the cheers and laughter. “Is that why you hated him? Has this been going on for a long time?”

“No.” I shake my head once. “Let us all forget I ever hated him.” I raise my hands, palms out to them.

“Are you getting married?” Benny asks, excitement brimming out of him. The locker room explodes before either of us can answer, but I nod slowly.

“Yeah, someday.”

“No, we’re not,” Charlie speaks at the same time.

We both turn to each other at the same time, frowning.

“What do you mean, no?” I demand.

“What?” he mutters, voice hard.

Since I don’t want us to talk at the same time for the third time, I wait a moment to see if he’s gonna say something else. He doesn’t, so I take my turn and decide to be sensible.

“We’ll talk about it in a moment,” I murmur.

“What are they saying?” someone calls out obnoxiously from the back.

“None of your business,” I shout .

“If it’s none of our business then why are you telling us?” Jules asks, humor in his eyes.

“Because some stupid internet thing is posting a picture of us tonight,” I explain, and they get another smile out of me when they erupt in outrage.

“Are you naked in the pictures?” Benny asks, and I see the curiosity he’s trying to hide.

“No, we’re not,” Charlie says sharply. “We’re just holding hands in an elevator,” he explains.

“What internet thing?” Eagle asks, eyes narrowed.

I don’t remember the name so I just shrug, but Charlie tells him the name and Eagle’s scowl just gets deeper.

“All you fuckers think it’s so impressive that my dad is Hulk Jankowski.” He waves his hands around, clearly mocking our fanboying ways when it comes to his father. “Or that my mom is a supermodel. But you’ve never stopped to wonder who my stepdad is.” He shakes his head as he twists around to grab his phone from his cubby.

There’s complete silence in the locker room. I don’t think I’m the only one who’s confused as fuck.

“It’s Michael Ellsworth you bunch of dumb-dumbs. He owns fucking everything when it comes to media shit, so I’m gonna make sure that stupid fucking site goes out of business. Tonight.”

With that, he puts the phone to his ear and marches out of the locker room.

“That was weird,” I say, almost to myself, but I get agreeing murmurs in return .

Then Charlie rounds on me, and doesn’t give me a chance to have this conversation in private.

Oh well .

“What did you mean, yeah someday?” He mimics my voice.

I can tell that every man in the room is deadly silent, listening in... bunch of gossips, but I can’t blame them since I’d probably be doing the same.

“Exactly that,” I say patiently.

“You can’t be serious,” he says, and I realize then, he’s actually angry. And... hurt. I frown. I don’t want to hurt him. Ever.

“Sweetheart—”

“No,” he snaps at me. “You don’t get to be this level of asshole and then be all cute.” He takes a deep breath then speaks in a measured tone. “Just no.” His words are final, and I suspect I’m pouting like a kicked puppy—I feel like one. “Now, we need to get fucking ready for the game.” He walks through the crowd of players and my shoulders droop.

Bear walks over and pats me on the shoulder.

“What was that about?” he asks quietly. “And is Charlie the dude who kissed you back in January?”

I roll my eyes but nod. “Yeah, he is. And I guess he is mad because I have not been very open about... feelings,” I settle on.

“Dude,” he says, the pitying tone not helping. “You gotta use your words. ”

Just then, Charlie passes by on his way out. He holds up his skates for us. “Need these sharpened,” he tells us, but he doesn’t look me in the eyes.

That’s it, I decide.

I talked to my brother and the world didn’t end. I talked to Gab and everything was fine, wasn’t it?

“I can do this,” I whisper to myself, gazing at the open door.

“What?” Bear asks, but his voice sounds far away.

I sprint out of there and see his silhouette, walking down the very same tunnel where I slammed him against the wall before our first game as teammates.

Now everything is different. So different that it might be a bit much, but I can take it.

As long as he’s next to me.

“Charlie,” I shout, running down the tunnel to meet him.

He turns, frowning.

“What—”

I grab his cheeks and pull him up to kiss him. I pour everything I’m feeling into that kiss—the fear, the excitement, the unadulterated joy.

I lean back, knowing I’m going to have to tell him this time, not just show him.

“I love this team,” I speak hurriedly, still grabbing the sides of his face. “I will always want to see them often. They’ve been really good to me in the past, but you’re my future Charlie Heart. If you want to retire after this season then we’ll retire. And we’ll move to that ridiculously named hometown of yours. If you want to play for another fifteen years, then I’ll be right there next to you. We can hold each other upright and use our sticks as canes while the babies make fun of us.

“I don’t care what we do as long as I’m next to you, because you’re everything, sweetheart. I love you.” I kiss him again, the explosion of love inside me too big to contain, and he kisses me back just as hard. His eyes are wide and happy when I give us space to breathe.

“I love you too,” he whispers, then laughs lightly.

“Then you better brace yourself, sweetheart. Because I’m going to be chasing that perfect ass of yours til the day I die.”