Page 13

ELEVEN

SANTA

When I wake up after a solid eight hours of sleep and the events of last night all come rushing back, I have to give it to Jules; he planned the team’s Christmas party perfectly.

Today is a rare free day, and I mean completely free.

No practices, no training sessions, and I don’t even need to go in to get checked out. I’m in perfect shape which isn’t usual three months into the regular season.

It’s a great thing, though. I need to be ready for the playoffs—to help my team get another win.

That thought brings it all back. Chris’s words, Gab’s words. It’s all jumbled inside my head and I can’t quite wrap my head around it.

In the last few years since Jules and Sterling’s relationship was announced to the world, there’s been a shift in the team too.

A good shift, I think, but it means that I’m not as involved in their lives as I was previously. So, finding out that something so... I don’t even know what to call it, monumental? Yeah, I guess that works.

Finding out something so monumental happened in their lives just this past summer and I didn’t hear about it until yesterday is kind of a gut punch.

I don’t like feeling left out, and I feel like a prick for even feeling it, but it is what it is. Jules, Bear, and Benny are all in relationships with other men which means they all hang out without me from time to time. I get that, I don’t resent that, but I do feel like I would’ve been a great friend to Benny after he found out about Chris’s past. But he didn’t come to me for help.

And listen to me, whining like a little baby about my friends.

They’re allowed to have their own space—one where they don’t have to mince their words at all or have to think about their actions. I get that those are things they’ve been doing all their lives, and I hate the thought that I have in any way made them feel like they need to do that with me, but maybe it’s not about me.

No, I know it’s not about me.

And I didn’t tell any of them what I was doing during the off-season, did I?

I didn’t share either, and haven’t since then. Even though it’s final and done, I still haven’t told them.

I haven’t told them why I’m never going to stop hating Heart—and to be fair, I probably never will. That wound hasn’t stopped bleeding since it opened, and the only moments I’ve forgotten it was when I didn’t see him or hear his name for weeks on end.

Sigh . . . those were the days.

But like Chris said, I need to focus on the present, on what’s in front of me, and if I want to be able to do shit for the team come April and the playoffs, then we actually have to be in the playoffs.

In order to get there, we need to win a whole hell of a lot of games in the next three and a half months.

I know I’m the one to blame for everyone being distracted on the ice. Again, like Chris said, they all care about me, they all consider me family like I consider them my family, and if I thought one of my guys was having such an awful time and dreading every day on the ice, I’m sure I’d be as distracted as they are.

There’s also a lack of cohesion on the ice.

My hate for Heart means that even though Jules and Mater were nice enough to Heart when he got here, they haven’t really bonded the way it’s needed to work as a unit in a game.

“Fuck,” I tell the empty room. I rub my palms up and down my face.

I need to fucking fix this. Somehow. And I have to find a way to fix it that won’t involve me talking to Heart.

I didn’t see him at yesterday’s party, and again, an annoying stab of guilt hits me right in the chest at the thought of him being left out to that degree .

I ruthlessly push it away and get up from bed. I need to get this day started. There’s too much to do now that I’ve made up my mind.

“You asshole,” Bear growls as he opens the door to his and Drew’s apartment.

“What?” I demand, hand to my chest, and acting as offended as a Victorian maiden. “Were you about to get your dick sucked?” I lean in and whisper with a teasing smile, dropping the act.

“Idiot,” Bear mumbles and shakes his head. “I was sleeping ,” he hisses and steps back to let me in.

“Where is Drew?” I walk in and close the door behind me.

“He’s setting up a wedding.” Bear still sounds grumpy as he walks to the far side of his kitchen and puts a mug under his fancy coffee machine. I think about asking him to make me one too, but bite my tongue. He’s in a bad mood, no need to make it worse.

“On New Year’s Eve?” I ask, frowning.

“Yes,” Bear says with a resigned sigh. “The wedding starts at two so he’s going to be home by ten but he’s still out all day.”

“Ah,” is all I say. I understand his grumpiness better. We have very few truly off days, so of course Bear wants to spend those with Drew. And this year we got lucky with having the last day of the year free.

Sure, we have a game tomorrow night, and we’ll be going in early for a light skate and some time on the bikes so there’s no way anyone’s partying like the world is about to end, but it’s still nice that those with families can spend today with them.

And that thought sours my mood even more.

In years past, all the single guys on the team, or at least all of those without any kids, would’ve gotten together tonight to ring in the new year. I don’t think that’s happening today.

Which means I really, really fucked this up and I have to find a way to bring some balance back to the team. Since it’s me who did it, I’m the one who has to fix it.

I don’t know how to start the conversation I came here to have, though, so I walk over to the living room, to those big windows he has. Every time I come here, I stand by them and look down just to get that awesome rush of danger.

Even when I was just a boy I liked danger; I liked doing things that made me feel alive. I smile, remembering how my mother used to say every single one of her gray hairs was thanks to me.

“What’s up?”

Bear’s voice comes from right behind me and I manage to stifle the yelp that wanted to come out. I was truly in my head, wasn’t I? And standing on a metaphorical precipice, of course I’m going to get startled if someone sneaks up behind me.

“I, uh.” I stumble over my words. “Fuck.” I say what I’m thinking. “I really do not know how to even start this conversation,” I tell him honestly.

“What conversation?” he demands, eyes more alert even though he’s not even halfway through his cup of coffee.

“Nothing bad,” I assure him, and let my shoulders drop. “Let me get a coffee for myself. You should be more awake for this.”

He only frowns as I walk past him, doesn’t protest. So I guess he can hear how out of it I am.

I come up with a semblance of what I want to say while I make myself an espresso, and at least I know the opening line when I sit on the armchair in front of Bear.

“I know the whole team is kind of fucked up because of me.” Bear doesn’t say anything. His eyes are steady on me, unflinching. His silent agreement is obvious. “I want us to get to the playoffs,” I tell him, almost begging him to believe me. “I want us to win again this year.”

“I know you do,” he says, speaking low.

“I do not want to talk to Heart, I do not even want to be in the same room as him, but I know what my reality is. So I need you to tell the rest of the team that I will not be mad at them if they start including him in things. I think that there is a disconnect in my line and in the first line. In mine because everybody is walking on eggshells around me. I will have a talk with them myself, but with everyone else, I need you to tell Benny and Eagle for example, that they should get to know Heart better. There needs to be more of a connection between them because we rely on them to get the most goals. I think that not including Heart in team things like last night is a mistake and that it will cost us more than it is worth it for me to be more comfortable.”

For a long moment, Bear just stares at me, then he frowns.

“Dude, Charlie was there last night.”

“What?” I demand. He holds up a hand.

“Let’s just table that for now because that’s a whole other conversation, but you’re right. I don’t like him.” The stubborn set of his jaw tells me there won’t be any talking Bear into being nice to Charlie. He won’t do it out of loyalty to me. He will find a way to work with him, but still...

Is it wrong that that warms my heart? That it makes me feel less alone than I did this morning?

If it is, then I don’t want to be right.

“But putting all that aside, you’re correct on everything else. If we’re going to have a chance in hell of not only making it into the playoffs, but of being a good team that can go all the way, then everybody needs to get familiar with Heart. I hate to say it,” he continues with a shake of his head. “But he’s a fucking good defenseman. Just like you are. I don’t like it, and I know you don’t either, but what happened a few weeks back, when we all saw you two going against each other? Neither one of you were holding back and you still couldn’t beat him. ”

It still fucking burns me from the inside that I couldn’t beat him.

“But he couldn’t beat you either,” Bear points out with a little smirk. “We need to accept that he’s going to help the team and so yeah, I’ll talk to the guys. I’ll make sure they know they won’t face your wrath if they talk to him.” He nods at me, and I see eyes I trust. Almost more than any others.

He has my back.

And then I remember.

“What do you mean he was there yesterday? At the Christmas party?”

He avoids my gaze then, and lets out a big breath.

“What is it?” I demand, getting worried now. Bear has never been one to mince his words.

“There was this whole thing...” He trails off, still not looking at me. I don’t care about his avoidance tactic.

“What thing?” I demand, my tone harder now.

“Ugh,” he says dramatically and throws his head back. “Jules is really worried, man.” He does look at me then, and I stop breathing. “He’s having a really tough time with this bullshit with Charlie, and how it’s affecting the whole team. He thinks he’s the one failing.” His words do nothing for my shocked state but I do take a necessary breath.

“But—”

“But nothing. You know he takes his role as leader of the Pirates very seriously.”

I can only nod because, yeah, I do know that .

“So he was freaking out about planning the Christmas party, I guess. And Sterling put his foot down. He saw Drew, and got Drew and Xander to plan the whole thing for them.”

I nod, following along but wishing he’d talk faster. I’m well aware that Drew and his best friend Xander—who’s also Milkman’s boyfriend—are awesome party planners, although they focus more on weddings.

“You remember how I told you a few weeks back that you were playing Santa this year?” I nod, though he doesn’t wait for an answer.

“It was because Drew told me about this whole plan they had to keep you and Charlie apart during the party so the kids and all the adults with kids could enjoy it. So?—”

“They all came to see me.” I remember like a lightbulb coming alive inside my brain.

“What?” he asks, confused.

“That day. After you told me I was playing Santa. Caroline, Drew, Xander, Chris, and Sterling were all at my place. They were there to convince me to dress up as Santa for the kids.”

“Right.”

I remember that was one of the only times I’d hung out with them this season and regret fills my chest.

God, I’ve wasted a whole damn season with this...

I shouldn’t give my hate for Charlie that much room. I mean, the hate isn’t going away, that’s just not an option, but that doesn’t mean it should be at the forefront of my thoughts all the time. It’s consuming my damn life.

“So they had this schedule.” Bear goes on and now I’m even more lost.

“Schedule?” I demand.

“Yes.” Bear nods earnestly. “To keep Charlie away from the back yard where you were. I wasn’t really too focused on what they were doing last night, but I saw him there. He talked to Mater and Ingrid for a while and looked happy enough.” He shrugs. “And then just as the kids were starting to get sleepy, he said his goodbyes to Jules and Sterling then left.”

I stay silent for a long time, just... processing.

They did all of that so the team could have one nice evening during the holidays. All of that so I wouldn’t throw a childish fucking hissy fit that would ruin everyone’s night.

Fucking hell, I’m such an idiot .

I let my face drop to my hands and shake it roughly.

“Agh,” I shout in frustration, though it’s muffled by my hands.

“Santa,” Bear says softly. I hear the helplessness in that one word.

I shake my head again. I can’t believe I’ve almost ruined our season by forgetting what actually matters.

My family; the Pirates.

Doing them all proud is a lot more important than caring about sharing space with Charlie Heart. Everything is more important than that .

So with a new determination fueling every beat of my heart, I look up at Bear and nod at him. There’s work to be done.

I go back to my room and order a handful of dishes that will act as my New Year’s Eve feast, then get to work.

First I call everyone who’s on my line.

Bates gets the first call, and though I fumble through well wishes for the new year and some small talk that’s awkward thanks to my disorganized thoughts, I get through it, telling him I need him to believe in me. Telling him I’m okay and that the Pirates and winning are the only things in my mind from now on.

It gets easier after that.

Spiderman, Milkman, and Twocox are all young men who take few things as seriously as hockey, so talking things through with them is quicker and simpler. They’re all incredibly talented, and if they take care of themselves, I’m sure each of them will have their bookcases full of trophies by the time they’re my age.

After that, I take a break for eating and then make the hardest phone call of all.

“Santa,” he says, sounding happier to hear from me than he has all season.

“Hey, Laney.” I think he can hear it in my voice because he just knows. It could be the fact that he’s known me for fifteen years and has seen me become the man I am today, but I think it’s the fact that he cares that allows him to know me so well. “You’re ready to go?” he asks simply.

“I am. I promise,” I speak with the reverence the vow deserves, and a smile stretches my cheeks at his response.

“About fucking time.”

Simple as that, I feel like it’s all going to be okay. I feel like myself for the first time since that afternoon when Gab told us Heart was coming to Vegas. I’m not happy about it, but the thought does move through my head that with Heart on our team we have an even better shot at making it.

Our season is still more than salvageable because I’m back .

It doesn’t matter that I spend New Year’s Eve alone for the first time in my life, or that I know everyone I care about is having a good time without me, because all that matters is that I know I won’t let my family down.

Never again.