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All the way over.

I t is decidedly unfair . I understand this. I’m not a mind reader, but I don’t need to be. It’s very clear that this relationship Syrsee and I have is unbalanced and one-sided. Not because I don’t like her—I do. But she will never believe that my feelings for her have nothing to do with the blood.

I’m not even going to try to convince her that this is the case, even though it is. Because if I were her, I wouldn’t believe me either.

I need her. Not in a traditional lovesick way. I physically need her to… well, I don’t really know what would happen to me if I stopped drinking, but I imagine it’s not really up to me if it gets to that point. I imagine that it would be instincts. I imagine I would hunt her, then put her in a prison that I would call a bedroom, and then I’d feed on her for the rest of her life.

This is what Paul did.

And I’m becoming Paul.

Maybe not in the literal sense. But I am becoming a vampire. I can feel the fucking wings on my back. The sharp bones pushing against my skin. Soon, they will break through that skin and once that happens there will be no way for either of us to deny what’s going on here.

It’s easy to pretend we’re still those people we were a couple weeks ago when we were in White River. Bantering, smiling, eating food, making plans.

But we’re not those people. Me, for sure. Obviously.

But her too. She has changed as well. She hasn’t told me about it, but I can taste the magic inside her. Something is different. And it’s changing. Every time I feed, I taste something new in her.

Syrsee has already wriggled out of my lap and positioned herself across to the other end of the couch. She stretches her long legs out, her feet pressing against the side of my thigh. Touching me from a distance.

I don’t want to look at her face. I’m afraid of what I’ll see there. But it’s better to just confront it now. Better to get it over with so we can try to move on.

My head turns in her direction, but my eyes take another moment to catch up. When we finally look at each other, she looks as conflicted as I do. “I know what you’re thinking,” I say.

Syrsee doesn’t say anything, just slowly shakes her head. Then gets up and walks over to the window.

I get up and follow her. Stand directly behind her. “You’re thinking… He needs me now. And there is no way I could ever trust him. ”

“Ryet—” She turns to face me.

But I put up a hand to stop her. “It’s normal. I mean, if I was the food and you were the monster, I’d resent you too.”

She bites her lip and frowns. “I don’t want to feel this way about you. I like you.”

“I like you too. And not just because I need your blood. We were… hitting it off, right? Before all this vampire shit happened?”

She nods. “We were.”

“It doesn’t have to change.” She doesn’t believe me. Hell, I don’t even believe me. But I push on, anyway. “That should be our goal, Syrsee.”

She raises one eyebrow at me. “To… convince each other we’re in love?”

“No.” I let out a frustrated breath. “Not in love. I mean, I like you. But I don’t know if I love you. And you definitely don’t love me. I don’t want to pretend. I want you to believe me about this part especially. I don’t want to pretend. I want it to be easy.”

“Which part, Ryet? The part where you drink me a dozen times a day?”

I just stare at her, a little bit taken aback. I deserve that remark, I do. But she could try a little harder. Of course, it would be a very bad idea to say that out loud. “The part where we… spend time together. Not feeding. Doing other things.”

“What other things?”

“I dunno. Walking in the woods. Grocery shopping. Going out to dinner. Cooking and shit like that. Normal things. Like we started doing before?—”

“Before you started drinking me?”

“ You fed me , Syrsee.” It comes out harsh. “I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“Well…” She falters. Or perhaps she was going to cut me again with more words, but loses her nerve. Regardless, she takes a breath. “Paul told me you were gonna die. What was I supposed to do? I didn’t want you to die. It was probably a lie?—”

“It wasn’t.” I say it sternly so she knows I mean this. “It wasn’t a lie, Syrsee. I would’ve died. I think he’s killed many, many men like me over his lifetime and I think I’m the first who didn’t die.”

I let out a breath and try to relax. I’m not mad at her. There’s nothing to be mad at her about. She’s allowed to have doubts. Hell, I’d have doubts too. But she’s wrong about this and if I don’t tell her she’s wrong, then who will?

So I continue in a lower, calmer voice. “And the reason I didn’t die is because of you, Syrsee. So… thank you. I mean that. Thank you. And now that’s out of the way, I won’t blame you if you hate me. Because I don’t want to pretend that we like each other. I’d rather you openly hate me than pretend to be my friend. So if you hate me… OK. I’ll accept it, I’ll leave you alone, I’ll give you whatever you need to get you through the feedings. You can live somewhere else if you want. You can… see people. Whatever it takes to make it up to you, I’ll do it.”

She scoffs a little. “Trust me when I say this, Ryet—dating is the last thing on my mind.”

“Well, the offer stands. You don’t have to live here?—”

“If you could eat once a day, maybe that would be an option. But I feel your need, Ryet. And I know you’ve been trying to go for longer periods, but you won’t be able to fight these cravings all the time. And what is the point of moving out if I just have to feed you every few hours?”

I want to say it will get better. That the cravings are only strong and feedings so frequent because I’m new. But I don’t know that. And now that Paul is gone, I don’t have anyone to ask. I can’t even ask Lucia, not that I would. But if she were still alive, it would at least be an option.

So I just shrug with my hands and sigh. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I have bones coming out of my back, Syrsee. And I don’t know what they are, or what they’re gonna look like, or what else is gonna change about me.”

She swallows hard and turns to look back out the window. She probably can’t stand the sight of me. And I just went and reminded her that I’m literally turning into a monster and it’s going to happen right in front of her eyes.

Syrsee’s voice is also low and soft when she speaks again. “I don’t want to… hate you, Ryet. I don’t hate you.” She turns to face me again. “I want to love you. I want to… sleep next to you. And kiss you, and laugh, and have fun. I don’t want to just be your food .”

“Is that what you think?” I point to myself. “That I see you as food?”

She huffs a little. “Well, I get that it’s kind of crude, but that’s what I am. I’m literally feeding the monster inside you.”

“I don’t think you’re food, Syrsee.”

“What if that’s the only reason you like me? And what if you don’t even know that? What if your cravings?—”

I don’t let her finish. “Let me make this very clear.” She stares up at me with wide, green eyes. “You are not food. Your blood is not you . And it’s not the reason I like you. I like you because you’re funny, and smart, and beautiful. And you’re the one person in this whole world who I can be myself with. That’s it. That’s why I like you. And it’s the same reason any man likes any woman, Syrsee. That part is not different and that part has not changed.”

She pauses, taking a moment to internalize this statement, I guess. Then she lets out a sigh. “Well.” A forced smile appears. “OK. That’s why I like you too.” Now she bites her lip, like she’s holding something back and nervous about it. “It just feels a little…” She pauses. Stares at me.

“What?”

“It’s gonna sound…” She makes a face and shakes her head. “It’s not gonna paint me in a good light.”

“What isn’t?”

“The truth.”

“Should I… promise not to hold it against you?”

“Are you that evolved? Because most people aren’t. You might say you won’t hold it against me, but then one day you’ll be mad at me.”

“What did you do?”

“To make you mad?” She raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah. What did you do to make me so mad that I would hold this truth against you in the future?”

“I… shrank your jeans.” She tries not to smile, but fails.

“Anything else?”

“I… didn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste, I’m a horrible housekeeper, maybe I even cheated on you.”

Now I raise an eyebrow.

“I’m not saying I would, I’m just saying you could be mad at me for anything. It could be small, and annoying, and unimportant. Or it could be big and life-changing. The point is, you can’t know how you will feel about me in the future and if I admit these feelings to you, one day you’re gonna look at me and that’s all you’re gonna hear inside your head.”

I reach for her, placing my hands on her hips, smiling down at her as she sighs. “It’s not fair. That’s your truth, isn’t it? This relationship we have, it’s unequal. You’re thinking… What do I get? And this isn’t the kind of person you usually are. You maybe even hate yourself a little for thinking this. But it’s true.” I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. “There’s no way around it. I’m definitely getting more out of this than you are. Not only that, I have more to lose, too. So how could you ever trust me?”

She sighs and looks down at her feet. “That’s exactly what I’m thinking.” But she takes a breath and looks back up at me. “This isn’t who I am.”

“Well, ya know what?” I hike a thumb over my shoulder to indicate whatever is happening on my back. “This isn’t who I am either.”

“And yet we are these people, Ryet. We are. And I don’t want us to start keeping score. I don’t want to constantly think about how I’m giving more than you are.”

“Well”—I kinda laugh a little—“I don’t want to constantly be thinking about how you’re always getting less. So… I guess I will just need to work on this.”

“You’ll work on what? Making me feel loved ?”

“I get it. It’s not a perfect solution. But…” I take her hands and hold them in mine. “It’s worth a try. Maybe one day you’ll believe me. I guess that’s all I can hope for. I mean, what other choice do we have, Syrsee? If you’ve got a solution, let’s hear it. I’m sorry it turned out this way. I’m sorry you’re stuck with me. I’m sorry for all of it. But I need you. And that will never change.”

She nods, pressing her lips together. Her words come out even and clear. Like she’s given this some thought. “Well, I cannot give you my heart like this. So. I think we need to separate things until we can sort through all the feelings.”

“Separate things how ?”

“I think we should just be friends.”

“Oh.” I turn and pace the living room, scrubbing my hands down my face as I look out another window facing the opposite side of the house. “So you want to withhold something.” I turn back to face her. “Is that what you’re saying?”

She doesn’t deny it. In fact, she nods her head. Then she confirms it out loud. “Yes. I want to withhold something. I want there to be a very clear line of what we are right now.”

“Which is what? Friends?”

She shakes her head no. “We need to start over. All the way over.”

“So you want to be food.”

“At least it’s the truth. I need this truth right now. When you feed, it can’t be intimate. It’s… a transaction, Ryet. And it has nothing to do with how we feel about each other.”

I’m actually speechless. But what can I do but agree? “OK.”

“So I’ll need my own room, and a car, and…”

“Whatever you want. That’s all fine. There are two bedrooms here. You can have your pick. We’ll go shop for a car, I’ll set up a bank account, and…” I mean, what else is there to say?

I just stop talking and shrug. Then I turn, without looking at her again, and I walk out.