Page 20

With permission.

S yrsee and I enter the dreamwalk together. It’s different now. Not purple, but purple and gold. I don’t know what the gold means. Eventually, once I’ve got a better grip on things, I’ll ask Paul about it. But right now, all I want is to get this over with.

There is no way to change what Syrsee is. I told her the truth, I didn’t lie. But I can’t tell her the whole truth right now. Not yet. Not until we get through this first stage and I’ve got her in a better place.

She hates me. And I don’t even blame her. In fact, I kinda feel the same way about her.

I mean, if we’d never met, I’d have died a scion. If she hadn’t fed me, I’d be dead now. And she’d be… the other half, left behind. Better off.

And this is pretty much where we’re at. I’d rather be dead and Syrsee would be better off without me. Just like Jane. But Jane is both dead and better off without me, so… kinda different.

We’re in that winter clearing again. The one Paul’s been showing up in since my whole metamorphosis started happening. He’s holding that baby and he’s wearing those furs. Like he’s some kind of Viking.

It was weird at first, but now… I dunno. It kinda suits him. He looks like a Viking. Well, he’s too pretty to be a Viking, so… whatever. Doesn’t matter.

I’m holding Syrsee’s hand and when I look over at her she’s wearing a long, flowing white gown. Not like a ball gown. More like a nightgown. But very pretty and over-the-top for something you’d just be sleeping in.

In fact, she looks like some kind of princess. And she doesn’t look sick at all. Her complexion is glowing. Nice, tanned skin and rosy cheeks. Like she just fed.

Which she did. But in real life, it didn’t help her much. Not in the looks department. In real life she looks like a witch on her deathbed.

When I look down at myself, I’m still me. Black-blue body that comes across as a bruise. Like someone beat the shit out of me from head to toe. And my wings are here, heavy and drooping because I don’t think my back muscles are strong enough to actually hold them up. Flying anywhere with these things feels very out of the question.

“Hello, Syrsee. Don’t you look lovely tonight.” Paul, who normally comes across as a charming asshole, is somber and his tone is a little bit angry. It’s been that way since he got stuck here, I realize. I just hadn’t noticed because he was talking to me. But now that he’s talking to Syrsee in this same tone, it makes me bristle and I take offense.

Syrsee doesn’t say anything. She hates him, I’m certain of that. But she’s not blaming him for this. She’s blaming me. I’m the new bad guy in her mind. So she can afford to disregard Paul and his moods right now.

Paul directs his gaze to me. He smiles, kinda holding the baby up. “You were such a beautiful boy.”

I make a face. “That baby is me ?”

“Who else, Ryet? You’re…” He shakes his head a little like he’s searching for words. “You’re my everything.”

Syrsee scoffs.

I roll my eyes.

Paul stands up. “Should we get things started?” Neither of us answer him. He directs his gaze to Syrsee. “Has everything been explained to your satisfaction?”

I expect a pretty big protest from her. I mean, it took almost two hours of nursing her, feeding her, explaining things to her before she finally gave in and listened. But she doesn’t protest. She asks a question.

“I don’t understand why we’re in the dreamwalk. I’m supposed to set you free?” She waves a hand through the purple-gold mist. “This isn’t real.”

Paul snaps his fingers. “How about this? Better?” We’re not in the forest any more, the baby is gone, and we’re all naked and standing in a luxury hotel room. “Real enough for you?”

Syrsee isn’t satisfied. “It’s just another illusion.” Then she looks at me. Looks me up and down, actually.

Which makes me look down at myself. I’m a man again. No bruised body, no wings. Just a male human in his prime looking very much the same way I did when Paul killed my family to try to save their souls.

“It’s not an illusion.” Paul is speaking again, so I look up at him. “It’s reality, Syrsee. You know this. The dreamwalk was never an illusion.” He comes towards us and I grip her hand tighter.

But she doesn’t recoil or shrink back from him as he approaches. In fact, she straightens when he’s so close to us that she has to tilt her head and look up to keep meeting his gaze.

He places a hand on her face, his palm flat against her cheek. She doesn’t even flinch. “It was real when we were together. This is the same. Josep will be here, so it’s a little different. But he’s very pretty, Syrsee. You’ll like him, you’ll see. It’s going to be OK.” Then Paul looks at me. “Ryet loves you. Don’t you, Ryet?”

I have an urge to disagree with him just because that’s what I do. But it’s a pointless urge because I don’t disagree with him. “I do.” I look at Syrsee, though she’s not looking at me. She’s still fixated on Paul. “You probably don’t believe me, but I’m doing this for you.”

Syrsee swallows and nods her head. “To save me.” Now she meets my gaze. “You left something out.”

“What?”

“When you explained this to me.” She nods her head at Paul. “He’s going to drink. Josep is going to drink. I’m going to drink. At some point you’ll drink. You’ll be…” I wait for her to say ‘fucking me,’ ready to recoil at the vulgarity. But she catches herself. “You’ll be inside me. And when it’s over, I’ll be pregnant.”

“Right.” I nod.

“But what you didn’t say, Ryet, is what comes after that.”

“You’ll be?—”

She puts up a hand to shut Paul up. Doesn’t even look at him. She’s staring straight at me. “I don’t want to hear it from you, Paul. I want to hear it from Ryet. After I’m pregnant, what comes next?”

I take in a breath and let it out in a long exhale. “You’ll have the baby.”

“And then?”

“Then…” I look at Paul. He’s sympathetic, I can tell. But he can’t help me. “Then we do it again. The cycle starts again.”

“Mm-hm.” Syrsee nods. “I’m a broodmare.” Her eyes are locked with mine. She is glaring at me. “I’m a breeder. I’m the blood mother. Is this what you’re telling me?”

I nod now too. “Yes. That’s what you are.” I want to elaborate. To tell her that’s not all she’ll be. She will have a life and… yeah. Not even I believe that shit.

She’s going to make demons and once they are made, she’s going to make more.

Now she looks at Paul. That same stoic expression on her face. “How many? How many times will I be in this cycle?”

“Well—”

“ Guess .” She snaps this word out. “If you don’t know, then guess. I want a fucking number.”

Paul shrugs. “Ten or twelve.”

Syrsee exhales loudly. Like it’s a much higher number than she expected. It takes a moment for her to gather herself again, but once she does, she walks over to the massive bed, kneels on the mattress, crawls over to the middle, and then lies back. “Let’s do this then. Let’s get on with it.”

“Where’s Josep?” I’m looking at Paul. Because I agree, let’s just get this over with.

Paul is smiling. Not even looking at me. He’s only got eyes for Syrsee’s naked body on the bed. And when I glance down, I find him already hard for her.

Has he always lusted after Syrsee? Was this his goal all along? I understand that he said he would not be inside her. It would be me and only me. It’s the only way to make this tolerable.

But now I’m wondering if there’s more to it.

He’s crossing the room now too, and when he gets to the end of the bed he kneels down and crawls up alongside her. Fitting his body right up against hers. His hands wandering. Going anywhere he chooses.

She doesn’t stop him. In fact, she closes her eyes and seems to enjoy his touch.

This is when I feel a body slide up behind me and a hand slip around my waist as a face presses into my neck.

It’s Josep, of course. Materializing from nowhere.

I’ve never met him. I don’t even know what he looks like. And oddly enough, I don’t care. Just like Syrsee, I don’t mind what he’s doing. Even when he reaches between my legs and finds me hard for him already, just like Paul was hard for Syrsee.

His teeth graze over my skin, ripping it open just a little bit, right under my ear. “Nice to finally meet you, Ryet. Are you ready for your gift?”

He’s pressing himself into me. He’s hard as well. I manage to open my eyes when Syrsee moans and I see that Paul is already taking her. His fingers are between her legs and his face is hovering over hers like he’s going to kiss her. I want to watch them. I want to see what he does next. But Josep is nibbling on me and I want that too. I want that bite. I want him to pull the blood out of me and take it in his mouth. So I force myself to pay attention. “What gift?”

“The gift of the Darkness.”

I’m like a hundred percent sure I’m not ready for this, but there’s no turning back now. It has to be done. I don’t even understand what ‘it’ is. All I know is that Syrsee needs to be pregnant at the end of this encounter, because if she’s not, she will die. And if she dies, I die.

And it’s not even me I’m worried about. I don’t care about the feeding. I don’t care about her blood. I just want what was stolen from me when I was born. I want my chance at happiness and Syrsee is that chance. Even if it comes with being this .

“Well?” Josep asks. “You can’t be a passive participant, Ryet. It’s always been a choice. This is no different. You have to give me permission.”

He’s right. I have made all the choices. Fine. It’s all my fault.

But it doesn’t change anything. I still want my chance.

“I’m ready. Do it.”

His teeth are in me before the last two words are out of my mouth. And the moment he starts pulling blood out of me, I don’t care about the consequences.

This is temptation. Straight out of the Bible.

Sexual immorality, sensuality, sorcery, orgies .

I understand this. It’s a test. It’s evil.

I warn you, as I warned you before ?—

And I’m in the middle of failing.

—that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

I am sinning.

This is when I bite Josep. This is my sin. Not giving him my blood, but taking his blood back.

That is how the Darkness gets inside me.

With permission.

And the moment I think this, I’m gone.

I am not in that bedroom with Syrsee, and Paul, and Josep.

I’m in the gold. I’m in the purple.

And I’m alone.