Page 33 of Better Daddy

The moment the D-word crosses my mind, the butterflies revolt and bile works its way up my throat. With a gasp, I slap my hand over my mouth and focus on breathing through my nose.

“You okay?” Lo drops to her knees in front of me, disregarding the gross bathroom floor.

I shudder. At least I laid a few blankets out before making my little nest down here.

“I kissed Sully last night,” I blurt out.

Lo’s eyes go wide. “What? Does that mean you’re back together?”

Holding tight to the resentment I’ve felt for so long, I snort. “I’m hiding in the bathroom after kissing my husband. What part of that makes you think we’re back together?”

She grins ruefully. “You called him your husband.”

I roll my eyes and slump against the wall.

She settles on her butt next to me and hugs her knees. “How was the kiss?”

Just the thought makes my cheeks burn again. I bring my cool fingers to them to soothe the heat.

Lo gasps. “That good, huh?”

I roll my eyes. At me. At her. At the feelings swirling inside me. The damn things are liable to bubble over and escape like a fantastical giggle if I don’t bottle them up. “It was on the cheek.” I press my hand to my own face and smile at the memory. “He was laughing.”

Lo gives me a confused look. “Sully doesn’t laugh.”

That pulls me back to reality. “Exactly.”

I explain how I found Sully in bed with T.J., discussing the incident at school rather than reprimanding him. How it made me feel warm all over seeing the two of them together. “He’s a good dad.” I shake my head. “Maybe he always was, but I couldn’t see it beyond my resentment.”

Lo squeezes my hand. “Sully was absent a lot. That’s not your imagination. And yes, he’s trying now. He’s goodnow.”

The words sober me. I needed to hear them. I needed the outside perspective to remind me that I didn’t throw away a good marriage with a good man on a whim. Sully is a good man, yes, but for the last few years we were together, he was a shitty husband and an absent father.

I’m glad he’s finally making the changes necessary to be there for our son, but I can’t allow myself to get swept away by a few gestures. Those gestures only go so far when life gets as complicated as ours.

T.J. is more than a handful on a good day, and I’ve just gone back to work. It’s no secret that Sully is a workaholic, and now we’re adding a new baby to the mix. That’s what I should be focusing on: how to do it all as co-parents. Building a friendship with this man so that we can do it better. Be better.

I can’t go back to where I was six months ago. I can’t fall back into the pit of resentment I wallowed in for years. And I couldn’t handle it if he resented me. I want to like the father of my children. Whether we’re married or not.

My heart thuds heavily against my breastbone, like it’s unhappy with that decision. But I fear it’s the only way we can come out of this without hating one another. And I have Lo and her astute observation to thank for the reminder.

“Thank you,” I say softly.

“All I did was remind you that your memory hasn’t failed you, but you’re welcome. Now, back to the more pressing issue. What are you going to do about this sleeping situation? You and I both know that when Sully figures out that you’re sleeping on the floor in here, he’sgoing to lose his mind.”

I sigh. “He won’t find out.”

She drops her head into her hand. “This is absurd. You cannot sleep in a bathroom to avoid your husband because he’s giving you butterflies.”

“This isn’t a bathroom.” I motion around the stall. “This is Sloane’s.”

She scowls. “What?”

“You know how the place across the street is called the Grasshopper? This isSloane’s.”

Lo’s lips twitch in amusement. “So this is a bar?”

I slap a hand to my abdomen. “No. I can’t drink. But this is my personal space. My place to decompress.” I wave at the stall door. “It’s crazy out there. Too many Y chromosomes.”