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THREE

TOON

"The bear's strength lies not in its muscles, but in its indomitable spirit." — Unknown

Being back in Haywood’s Landing feels like wearing boots two sizes too small. Everything is familiar, but nothing fits quite right.

The roads haven’t changed. Same soft spots, potholes, gas stations. Even the way the air smells, pine with a faint hint of the salt from the beach not far away. As the tide rolls in and out, the air will change, but it always goes back to the same.

I’m not the same though.

The separation, even self-imposed, hardened me. I’ve learned to breathe with the elephant sitting on my chest. The time away taught me to carry my weight in silence.

Here I am, back in the mix I left behind. The silence feels loud now. The emotions screaming from inside me. My return is for her, but somehow I’m struggling with the idea of seeing her again.

Red, Pretty Boy, and BW are already at Jack’s Crab Shack and Bar waiting for me with beers in front of them. The place hasn’t aged at all. Still smells like seafood and beer with the beige walls and old school wooden booths.

BW slaps the bar stool next to him. “About time.”

Red grins, his eyes crinkling, “Look what the Carolina wind blew in.”

Pretty move laughs in a way that the scar on his face scrunches up, “you came all the way here to catch more shit. Damn, Toon, you a fuckin’ fool to put up with these two knuckleheads.”

I smirk, “y’all always this desperate for company? I’m not worth this shit.”

BW laughs handing me a beer, “only for your sorry ass do we wait. And you damn sure ain’t worth it, but we kind of like you so we made an exception.”

I take the long neck and click bottles with each of them. It’s good to be around my brothers. The ones who know my history and don’t need me to explain a damn thing.

We shoot the shit for a while. Casual. Club shit, old memories with prospects who didn’t make it or our days earning the rockers. Red leans in attentive like always, BW nods occasionally, the way he always does when he’s listening but calculating something behind his sharp eyes.

The air shifts, I should have known it would come quick.

BW drains the rest of his beer as Red looks at me. “You heard about Clutch?”

I nod slowly, “BW came to visit. Didn’t know the man well, but he seemed solid.”

Pretty Boy and Red look to BW in shock. He really didn’t tell anyone he was coming for me. Everyone in the club loves Dia. But for Red, she really is the sister he never had. Tank and Sass, his parents have four sons. Red is the oldest, followed by Crunch, Pretty Boy, and Tommy Boy. Sass is best friends with Doll, BW and Dia’s mom, while Tripp is the President and Tank is second in command as VP. They have spent their whole lives weaved together in this big family. I’m sure there was a time where Doll and Sass probably wished one of the Oleander boys would fall for Dia. It just didn’t work out.

But fall I damn sure did.

Red looks to me, leaning back with a tight expression, “Dia’s not doin’ good, brother.”

Her name hits me like always, fast, brutal, and uninvited.

“She’s shutting everyone out. Karsci, Kylee, hell even Maritza can’t get her to answer the phone or leave the house.” Red explains what BW already told me. “No one is getting through.”

I stare at the wood grain pattern of the bar top. “She lost the love of her life,” the words twist in my gut like acid burning a hole in metal. Once there was a time, I was the love of her life and it was supposed to be me and her forever. Then I walked away and she had to move on. She found love and that’s a gift Clutch gave her. I owe him for putting a smile back on her face after I took away her happiness. “She’s grieving. Give her space.”

“She lost more than love. She lost herself.” BW adds with a grim tone to his voice.

“I came,” I reply to BW. “I make no promises I can help her. But I’m fuckin’ here. Leave it at that.”

Thankfully, they take the hint. I nurse the single beer long after they carry on talking about anything and everything that isn’t Dia Nicole Crews. There is a poker run coming up, the garage builds, and more that I get caught up on. I’m here, but not fully listening. The things in my head have me all fucked up in my head.

My mind is on her. Dia.

I picture her curled up on the couch in her condo with that menace of a dog that only lets me come in without going into a teeth showing snarl and wanting to attack like she does everyone else. Dia’s eyes are probably swollen from crying, poor Skye unable to help her human, while Dia clutches a shirt or picture of Clutch in her arms. She is probably sitting in the same spot for hours on end trying to figure out how to let go.

Clutch was good to her. I met him a few times when he came through Catawba on runs, but avoided any kind of real talk after we had our talk.

“Clutch,” I walk up to the man wearing a damn black polo under his cut, “thinkin’ we should talk.”

He studies me. I’m sure trying to size me up.

I stand six feet, three inches to his maybe five eleven height. I’m broad shouldered and muscled while he’s more soft dad bodied. The ink covering my arms and up my neck is all done in color. Archie comic strip style, Batman pow cartoon, Popeye the sailor, Brutus, and Olive cover different places. I have a little of this and that, even my serious ink is done like a cartoon. My Hellions insignia on my back is the only thing not done in the same style as the rest of my body. Although, I have one miniature insignia that is a cartoon. It’s on the black and white Mickey and Minnie Mouse bride and groom Dia joked about me getting cover my heart. She doesn’t know it because that part wasn’t finished back then. Mickey has a Hellions cut. Clutch doesn’t need to know that. While I may be covered in all visible areas in cartoons, I’m not someone to take for a joke.

He knows it.

He reads me.

“She’s with me now,” he mutters with his shoulders rolled back. I’ll give him credit. He isn’t avoiding my gaze. He’s got half a sack anyway.

“I know. What I need you to know is don’t take that shit for granted. That woman in your bed, she’s everything. She’s the whole motherfuckin’ package.”

He shakes his head. “I know what I got. You’re the one who didn’t see what he had while he had it. Don’t come for mine, Toon.”

I throw my hands up in surrender. “I know what I gave up and why. I’m just here to tell you man to man, I’ll always love her. I’ll always belong to her. She needs me, I’m gonna be there. Even fuckin’ you, she’s still got love for me whether you admit that to yourself or not. What we share it doesn’t go away. But I’m man enough to know I’m not good enough for her. You got your shit locked down safe. You got no baggage. Got no baby momma’s, hell no exes, good credit, money in the bank, and no blood damning your soul to Hell.”

He raises his hand interrupting me. “You fuckin’ looked into me?”

I nod and smirk. “Sure did.”

“Brother,” he says the word in disdain, “get you got history with Dia. Not gonna take that away. She’s told me who you are to her, both then and now. But I’m off limits to you. I’ll respect you got past times with her. That’s all you get. You had her first, but Toon, I’m gonna have her last and always.”

“Good,” I tell him and he steps back in shock blinking wildly at me. “I want you to love her always and until the end of her days. Just know I’m gonna be in the shadows loving her from afar. I won’t come around. I won’t even be anything more than a memory to her. Unless you cross a line. If she sheds one tear over you, I’m comin’ for you. I’m comin’ to hold her up until she’s good without you. But for your safety I hope you love her right with every breath you got. She deserves nothing less than that.”

Before he can say another word I walk away. I said what needed to be shared. He knows where I stand.

The way BW and Tripp, hell everyone, spoke of him, Dia was his world.

She deserved that. I wanted that for her.

Inside I hate him … I hate him for being what I couldn’t.

I respect him too.

He gave her everything I wouldn’t.

And now he’s gone.

She’s alone.

How can she wrap her head and heart around it when I can’t even make sense of it.

After an hour of catch up, I head back to the short term rental I got in Cedar Point. It’s an old park model camper, set up on the canal. It’s got a nice lot, quiet. I kick off my boots before sitting on the edge of the mattress. It feels weird to be back in this town, but not uncomfortable. In fact, the weight that sits on my chest somehow feels lighter while the pain in my head feels heavier if that can even be possible.

I decided not to stay at one of the crashpads on the compound because I don’t want to see Dia until I’m ready. There was a chance of running into her, I don’t want to be caught off guard.

Stripping down, I climb in bed. Staring at the ceiling, sleep refuses to come. My mind thinks of her, just a few miles away, probably unable to sleep. Her heart is aching for a completely different reason than mine and I can’t do anything to fix this for her.

Even if everyone thinks I can help I don’t see how anything I can do eases this at all. Her name spins over and over in my head.

I pick up my phone.

I look over old pictures of us together. Teasing myself, I go to my contacts.

Her name with a red heart beside it, exactly the way she programmed it in forever ago taunts me. Millions of times, I thought about deleting it. Even told myself to get a new phone number, but I didn’t just in case she needed me.

I hit the call button.

It rings twice.

The click comes I look at the screen as the call connects.

Silence.

Then the call ends.

She hung up on me.

I stare at the screen inside laughing at myself saying you deserved that, you bastard.

Whether I earned it or not, shit still burns.

Morning comes and I don’t think I managed even an hour of sleep. My phone pings with a text from Red.

Mom’s worried. Dia won’t answer anyone.

I don’t reply because what can I say? Another text comes in. This one is BW.

She’s iced out mom now. Dia doesn’t need her blood, she doesn’t need a Hellion. She needs a rock. You’re up, brother.

Fuck.

How do I do this?

Letting my instincts take over, I pull on jeans, a plain black hoodie. I leave my cut off, which makes me feel naked, as I walk out of the house to my truck. I trailered my bike here with my belongings since BW made this seem like a long term thing. I packed up all of my life to come here to help her.

No matter what comes of anything. I came here to right a wrong I did to her and if I can’t man up to help her now, then all of this is pointless.

Without talking myself out of it, I pull up to her place. Nothing has changed about her condo, not that I expected it to be different. I park beside her car, sitting still for a minute thinking if I’m going to be able to fix things or make the next biggest mistake of my life.

What I don’t want to do is make anything worse for Dia. I came this far, no reason to turn back now. At her door, I hear Skye barking before I even manage to ring the doorbell.

“Skye,” I mutter and her vicious bark turns to a sweet whimper.

The door knob turns.

It’s like my world stops. The door cracks open, just a bit, then wider.

In front of me is a shell of the woman I left behind.

Dia.

She is wrecked in the worst of ways, but still the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She is gorgeous in a real, natural, can’t be faked way. Her eyes are swollen, red, her hair in a matted knot on top of her head. She’s in a red Hellions hoodie. One that is far too big. A thought hits me like a punch to my junk. It’s probably his hoodie . Once upon a time, it would have been mine. Her pajama pants have little motorcycles on them.

She looks like sadness in a shell.

She looks like a woman without a fight left inside.

But she also looks like she’s holding on for something.

She’s my past.

She can’t be my future.

“Hi,” I manage to mutter in a low voice.

She doesn’t reply. She gives me a blank stare.

“I wanted to check on you.”

Nothing. Skye whines between us as I reach down and pet her softly.

Dia shifts uncomfortably like it is taking everything out of her to remain upright. Skye backs up as if she’s welcoming me inside.

“You don’t need to be here.”

“Want to,” I tell her what my soul feels. Because inside every part of me wants to be with her. Inside every part of my very soul never wanted me to leave. My head told me it was the best thing for us both. And until Clutch’s death, it was the best decision for us. Dia found love and safety.

We stand there together looking at each other, not saying a word. I take a breath.

Then two.

Then three.

She shifts. I think for a split second she will let me in. Her jaw twitches. She is contemplating it. I guess that is a plus, she opened the door and I have a chance. Before I can say anything her face changes.

Without a word, she shuts the door.

Right in my face.

I don’t move. I don’t breathe. I don’t even know what to say.

I let the moment sink in. I let her rejection soak deep inside. I know I deserve this. But I also know this right here isn’t even about me. She’s hurting. She doesn’t know how to accept the lifeline.

Maybe I don’t deserve to be the one who helps her out of this dark place.

I told them I couldn’t help her.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t want to try. There is something about seeing her. Having her this close. I can’t make myself walk away again.

Even if all she can give me is silence.

Even if all I can have is the sound of the lock turning between us as she shuts me out physically and emotionally. I sit down at her front door, my back to the wall beside the door she left me at.

As long as she’s in there. Out here is where I’ll be.

I’m not going anywhere.

Not this time.