Page 2

ONE

TOON

In the face of adversity stand tall and roar like a grizzly bear in the wild.

Catawba, North Carolina.

My home.

Double sits beside me at the bar nursing a Corona longneck bottle looking like a sad puppy.

It’s not a good look.

His road-name is Double because he’s literally a double take of his dad, Drexel “Rex” Crews.

Rex is the Catawba Hellions President and overall one crazy motherfucker.

Double, on the other hand is softer, but still lethal.

The man is Rex’s son by blood, and our VP Shooter’s step-son.

They have this weird family dynamic that works, but none of them are men I want to cross.

“Damn, it ain’t that bad,” I mutter taking a long pull of my beer.

“It’s a girl’s trip. They will be back in a few days.”

Axel “Double” Crews slaps my shoulder playfully.

“You ain’t been wrapped tight yet. One day, though, it’s gonna happen. A woman will come along and knock that cocky smirk right off your face. When she’s in the room, you won’t be able to be close enough. Like a fuckin’ man starved you won’t be able to taste enough of her. And like an inmate in prison, she leaves, you’ll feel like you’re locked in a fucking box.”

“So poetic,” I joke even though inside I feel every bit of what he’s describing.

“Yesnia know you got it this bad?”

He smiles with pride, “damn straight she does. I’m not ashamed of loving my lady.”

I don’t share with him that I already know what it is to feel boxed in from missing a female.

Catawba, once my sanctuary now my personal, private jail.

I gave myself a life sentence here.

Not that I will share any of it with any of them.

This is my burden to carry alone.

My brothers, absolutely they are family.

Some days this club is the only reason I have to wake up.

Double sits to my right, his younger brother Little Foot to my left.

Hawk is on the other side of Double with Rex and Shooter, our club president and VP at the end of the bar.

Apparently this weekend was dubbed “girl’s weekend, no men allowed” and every one of these fools is beside himself to be without their women.

I’ve been without mine for years now.

Not that anyone knows it.

Four to be exact.

After years of flirtatious friendship, I let things go too far.

For her, I walked away.

For my club, I left the only good thing I’ve ever held in my life behind.

She is my weakness.

It puts her at risk.

And I stupidly fell in love with by far the most important female to just about every Hellion outside of their own ol’ ladies.

For me, I live in purgatory knowing the very essence of having something good and leaving it behind.

I won’t put her in danger.

My feelings for her only escalated the value she is as a target to rattle the club.

She’s always going to be on radar, she’s the overall President’s daughter, but I didn’t want to add to her importance to an outsider.

Rex stands and moves to the door taking my attention away from my own sorrows.

When BW Crews comes in, they greet in a man hug, the uncle and nephew embracing, all while I sit in place wondering why he is here and did his whole family come?

BW and I have a history.

Not a bad one.

He’s a brother in the Haywood’s Landing Chapter and truly a man I stand behind, beside, or in front of.

His damn name is legacy, but the man himself lives up to it.

Blaine Ward Crews, known as BW is named for Blaine “Roundman” Reklinger, his grandfather and the entire reason the Hellions exist today.

The whole fucking family lives for this club in a way no one else ever will.

It’s his sister that gets me twisted inside.

The one that got away.

The untouchable treasure.

Forbidden fruit.

The sweetest thing I’ve ever held in my life and yes, I walked away.

Yes, BW knows what I shared with Dia.

After the night it got too heavy, I called a meeting with BW and Tripp.

Man to man I laid it out.

Then I explained I was walking away and transferred here.

No one, not even Little Foot knows the conversation I had with BW and Tripp.

It’s not anyone’s business.

I signal to Jeanne, the bartender, “Johnnie Walker neat.”

She gives me a nod and gets to it.

The glass is in front of me as BW approaches.

I’m halfway through tossing it back as I feel him squeeze my shoulder.

I down the whole thing letting the burn hit me the entire way down.

I turn to look at him as his mouth pulls into a half-smile.

The cocky grin that tells everyone he owns any damn room he walks into.

We’re all built like this to some degree.

BW was practically born oozing confidence.

“What’s with the shaggy hair, brother?” he says shoving me a bit.

I smile, “gives the barflies something to grab when I’m eating that snatch.”

We both laugh as he gives a nod to Jeanne, “Crown and coke,” he orders as Little Foot gets off his stool making room for BW beside me.

I give her a nod for another drink.

“Lookin’ tired, man,” he tells me what I already know.

“Bein’ away from the coast, it’s aging you, man.”

“Fucker.” I tap the bar waiting for another whiskey.

I’m exhausted and really don’t have the energy for him, but he’s here, so he gets my time and respect.

“What brought you inland?”

Everything shifts.

Casual goes away and in its place is worry.

He lets out a slow breath, shifting to rest his elbows on the bar.

His posture is tense as he rests his head in his hands.

“What is it?” I ask losing the little buzz I had started.

For him to stand here in front of me of all people, knowing what he knows, there is only one reason for him to change.

My gut churns.

“Is Dia okay?”

He shakes his head.

The one woman who can turn my world upside down and he’s here for me…

but for what?

“Spit it out, you road hours here, for what?”

“Dia needs you.”

One sentence and it all crashes around me.

The woman I left behind.

It’s taken me years to get okay with walking away.

And I can’t actually say I’m okay, but I am surviving without her.

There was a time I considered giving it all up for her.

But the man I am, the things I’ve seen and done, they taint her.

I won’t do that ever again.

I put the distance between us.

I have stayed away.

Avoiding the annual barbecues, taking runs that keep me away if she’s coming here to visit family.

I do anything and everything to make sure nothing about me ever touches her again.

His sentence brings back every feeling.

The passion, the desire, love, and the pain.

I pick up the fresh drink in front of me.

“She needs anyone but me.”

His eyes grow dark.

“You know that’s bullshit. It’s always been you.”

I know it.

She knows it.

But it’s far too complicated to work.

“Young love. BW, we talked this shit out before I left. I came clean with you, with Tripp. I put it all out there. I fucked up. I touched something sacred. I took the punishment. I walked away. She’s got something good going with Clutch.”

Yeah, I know she moved on.

He is a good dude from what I can tell.

No blood on his hands, the hands that hold her close and comfort her.

Nothing ugly touches her.

He gives me the stare, the one that says he isn’t hearing a word I’m saying.

“Nothing young or old defines what she’s got with you, Toon. I know that shit. Told you that back then too. You’re too stubborn to see, we all saw it and accepted it. Only you wouldn’t. No one punished you, this shit you did to yourself. Even my old man was good with it. We let you have that play because yeah, my sister deserves better than a fuckin’ Hellion.”

I signal for another drink.

“Yeah, I’ll toast to that. She does.”

“Yet, it’s all she ever wanted. Hell, she drug him in. Anything outside of being an ol’ lady doesn’t work for her. She’s the reason Clutch prospected. You know my sister, she wants things her way and she’s going to have it so.”

Despite the way it kills me to think of her with Clutch, I smirk.

Dia Crews is a spit fire ball of passion that will railroad anyone before they know it into doing exactly what she wants.

“She’s not been the same without you.

I turn and look him in the eyes, “don’t do this, BW.

”

“I wouldn’t if it wasn’t serious.”

“Clutch is in a damn bed fightin’ for his life. He’s a fuckin’ brother now. Whether I like the fucker or not. She’s engaged to him and he’s fuckin’ critical. I’m not stepping in between that.”

He gives me a strange look.

I shake my head, “fuck, BW, you know I show up things always get confusing with her and me. She’s my distraction and I’m her fucking kryptonite. We aren’t what she’s got with him. He’s safe. He’s going to always put her before everything including the club. I can’t give her that. I chose my cut.”

BW blows out a breath, “This shit it ain’t about you. Fuck, brother, you didn’t have to choose her or your cut. You did that. But all that is water under the bridge. My sister needs a rock and you’ve always been that.”

“I can’t.” I whisper.

“I can’t pick her up this time.” I sigh, “he’s gonna pull through. They’re gonna have a happily ever after. I can’t be mixed up in that. I’m not going to turn her world upside down and confuse her even in the name of the friendship we once shared. It’s in the past, it’s done.”

He looks at me and I swear the world stops.

“His mom is pulling the plug. She says he wouldn’t want to be on machines.”

I run my hand through my hair in frustration.

“He’s got brain activity. They got medical miracles and shit.”

BW downs his drink.

“His mom says it’s not enough. He wouldn’t want his life to be anything less than what it was. Even if he can one day wake up, docs say he’s gonna be a vegetable. Feeding tube, no walking, talking, none of it.”

I study BW.

There is a tightness in his mouth, shadows under his eyes.

There is a deep pain not for the loss of a brother, but for his baby sister.

“Came here for you, Toon. Came here to give my sister a lifeline because she’s losing her whole future.”

“She’s got friends, family there. I’m the last one she needs.”

“We’ve all tried to support her. She’s locked us all out. His mom signed the papers, they cut the machine tomorrow at nine. His mom’s already picked out the casket, planned the service. My mom is trying to get her to let us give him a Hellions burial, but so far we’re all losing over and over, but more than anyone it’s my sister losing the little bit of good she thought she could have just for herself.”

I shake my head lost in so many thoughts.

“Outside of our annual birthday text to each other, I haven’t had a single interaction with Dia since I pulled out of Haywood’s Landing four years ago. She doesn’t want me around. I can’t help her.”

Standing up, I push away from the bar and pace the small space around us.

Fucking years, I’ve pushed it all down.

Distanced myself from her and every reminder of her.

Hearing her name, knowing there isn’t anyone to dry her tears, it kills me inside.

Moving back to the bar, I grab the glass of fresh whiskey and toss it back.

BW watches me carefully.

All of these emotions swirl inside me.

I let loose.

“She doesn’t need me! She needs anyone but me.”

He meets my glare, ignoring my desperation for him to let this go, he continues, “you know better than anyone that’s bullshit. She’s not a kid anymore. She wasn’t a kid when you left. She’s faced her heartbreak and gotten through it. This, though, she has no control. You broke something in her when you left and this is gonna shatter what remains unless you come back and be the glue she needs.”

I grip the glass tight, “don’t do this, BW.”

“You’ve always been her friend first.”

That is how all this shit started.

She’s the only woman I’ve ever spent night after night talking the hours away.

It has never been about sex even though she’s the best I’ve ever had.

It’s Dia and me.

The way we fit.

The way we can say everything while saying nothing at all.

I left because staying would have broken me, broken her in a way no one could put back together.

I chose the club.

I chose brotherhood.

I’ve never looked back.

Until now.

“She’s not my responsibility,” the words come out in a whisper because even I know it’s a lie.

“Keep tellin’ yourself you don’t care. Maybe one day you can believe your own lies, but I don’t and I know my sister still matters to you the way you matter to her. I’m not saying you come home to step in for Clutch. He’s got his own piece of her, but what I am saying is my sister hurts and she needs her best friend. The one person who has never put some label or expectation on her. That’s you.”

“Tripp come with you?”

He shakes his head.

“In the landing. He doesn’t know I’m here.”

I take a deep breath.

“Fuck.”

BW finishes his drink.

“I didn’t come here to twist your arm. I came here for my sister. She doesn’t know I’m here either.”

I sit back down rubbing my face with both hands.

“I can’t go back there, BW. You know things will get blurry. I can’t go back there and not be in love with her. She doesn’t need that.”

“I know what going back means for you. I know it means pain. I can’t say what the future is for you or my sister. All I can say is my sister needs her best friend.” His eyes grow dark, edgy, “And fuck it all, your pain doesn’t matter to me. She’s worth it.”

And she is.

Always has been and always will be.

Except he’s wrong.

I’m not the man she needs.

Not then and not now.

Inside of me though, something stirs.

The piece of me that still belongs to her.

The part of me that can’t ever healed.

The regret I carry because I said words I can’t take back.

“She’s going to have the same pain you got right now, brother. Except she doesn’t get to have another chance to ever hold him again. There is no comin’ back from death and that’s what Clutch has and Dia is stuck on the ride.”

Fuck!

“No one rides alone,” I mutter the words I believe to my core.

“But especially not her.”

He gives my shoulder a squeeze as I feel my world explode inside.

This will either fix what I broke in her or kill me in a way I won’t ever recover from.

Either way, Haywood’s Landing, I am coming home.